I'm sitting here at my computer, feeling blocked about what to write. I'm in a hard place. I'm not feeling the love. Oh, I have no reason not to feel the love. Saturday was awesome. I spent time with some great new friends today. Today was good, made some progress, but it's clear there is so much work to still do. I'm feeling the blows of being in the game. I'm not complaining - it's just that, it would be so nice to come home to a hug. Or someone telling me how awesome I know I am. Or giving me a pep talk and helping me see I am making progress. Some cheerleading. I don't know, it's not the same as your best friends. I mean, best friends are awesome and all that, and I have the most amazing friends right now, but... it's something more.
So today, I am just feeling sad. I guess there's got to be space to feel the sadness. Under it all, I know my Taoist future will prevail. So I feel what I feel now, knowing it will pass. Trusting. Surrendering. And eventually, I'll be back in this place here. So yes, let's just stop for a moment and breath and feel all this tightness and construction in my throat. My tongue pressed on the roof of my mouth. Trying to push the feeling away. Instead, let's just hang here, feel it.
I was reading the dictionary definition of surrender today. It's got all these negative connotations. Like surrendering is bad. Never surrender! Surrender Dorothy. It reminded me of the word acquiesce. Again, another word that is understood with slight negativity. I like the definitions that have no negative judgement.
Love is surrendering. Relationships are about surrendering. You could say life is about surrendering. I'm feeling all surrendery.
Last year, Chicken John wrote an awesome piece of relationship advice on the FB. I kept a copy because it was that good. A few excerpts...
Relationships are about surrender. Surrender, by definination, is when you start fighting for the other team. To get 2 people to surrender to each other is complicated to describe here on paper. But you'll know it when you see it. - Chicken
As I reflect on this past year, one in which I grieved, grieved and grieved some more, I was learning as much about anything as surrender. I surrendered to my life, to the absolutely unusual year unfolding, to re-aquaninting myself with emotions, to the dream of this TV series, to love, to great friendships, to projects, to the draining of my bank account.
The surrender tool has consequences. It's hard. Things should be hard. There should be rewards. And punishments. But they should be their own, not doled out by the person who holds more power. Eliminate power, and you allow justice to be a free agent. And it all just works. It's all about letting go of Control. Letting Chaos provide. - Chicken
Yeah, that's a key. Letting Chaos provide. Letting go of control. Control is an illusion anyway. You could say surrender is the only way.
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And how did this post end up here on the love from vescent blog? Well, one thing I love is introspection. I think a lot. I'm an intense individual. I reflect, write to make meaning of my present experience. It's a way to explore the present moment, to roll it around in my mouth, suck the sweetness like a hard candy, feel, understand, choose how I want to feel, or understand. To trust myself in the space of reflection. Writing for me is catharsis.
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