Love is everything, love is not enough

Yesterday I drove through the San Joaquin Valley. As I am wont to do on roadtrips, I thought a lot.

Yesterday, my thoughts filled of my past loves. Poetry flowed in my mind as the miles passed. I composed odes of love to them. I thought of my New York bass player. How many trips I took to the hot Caribbean in Iowa winters. The posada we'd meet at. His subsequent move to Iowa for me. Our disintegration later when I was in Brazil. I saw it coming before I left JFK.

I thought of the pair of blonde haired children I never had. The fairy tale relationship, the dream of all our friends. Until it too, disintegrated. That happens when you deny a part of yourself a promise of the past.

Then there's the moment friendship turned to love. An instant, a forever moment, the sunlight glinting off your salt and pepper hair. (Forever causing me to love the silver.) For so many years this love was hidden, unspoken, burned so deeply in my heart. I learned with this, you can know someone loves you, even if you don't say it for years. Unspoken truth.

Los Angeles brought different kinds of love. I burned the past when I lived in the future. Conjured the sum of the past. Determined to make this work. Determined that love would prevail. Seven years later. It did not. My mother's death made me realize life is too short to not listen to your heart. I left with many scars and bad relationship habits. 

Not looking for it, I fell in love again. Harder than ever. I gritted my feet against the cliff's edge. But the winds blew, my heart lifted, the next thing I knew I was flying. Falling. A fool. I thought how could this love not prevail? There were too many synchronicities. The universe smacked me on my ass. I'm left confused more than ever. Questioning my faculties, my feelings, what I see. Have I learned nothing? Too late, I'm left to pick up my shell shocked self.

All these years, these experiences, these men. Love. I am left pierced. 

I know that love is everything; but I also know, love is not enough. 

Comments

[Reecy]

I wish I had words of wisdom, but all I can say is "I love you."