love from vescent

Sunday Morning

I'm up early. The rising sun found its way between my blinds. Sunday morning. There's coffee on the night table, the dog is sleeping next to me and I'm sitting cross legged writing treatments in bed. In front of me is one of my favorite paintings. It's a forest with very particular trees. I bought it from an artist in Topanga. I see myself reflected in the mirror of my dresser. I put on some music. It's a music for Unicorns kind of morning. Air. Stereolab. Olivia Newton John. Kool. Elo.

Everything I love, here in this room. The fears dissolve into curiosity. I relax into the space to work. I let the ideas flow, I find and braid the connections. My heart is open, calm, relaxed.

123456789101112-Pinball!!

I. Love. Pinball.

And the Pointer Sisters. My first exposure of pinball was probably this clip:

So. Awesome! I loved the end graphic so much, it inspired the design of my company website. 

There's something about the pinball. Pulling the plunger, the bumpers bumping, the bells dinging. Earlier this year I bought my first pinball machine - after wanting one for over 2 decades. (What took me so long, I have no idea.) My excuse was that I'd put it in the Dome, but after having it in the house for the summer, I'm less inclined to move it.

Anyway, pinball, it's awesome to have you so close in my house. Love it! 

Adulthood

One of the best things about being an adult, is being an adult. You can do what you want. Now, you might say, this is constrained within reason, but really, it is not. Depending on the risks and what you're willing to deal with - you can do ANYthing.  Or maybe it's what you're willing to put up with. Or not put up with. 

I love the power of being an adult.

The Crunch of Snow

One of my favorite things has always been walks in the woods. In High School, before the freedom of a car, I would often escape into the woods, exploring the Indian paths, the high wire tension bridges and explore decaying homesteads. I often hiked alone. I'd quietly tread the paths, follow the fence posts along the edge of a farmer's field. Sit in the tall grass and write, breathe, watch the midwestern clouds and dream of being someplace different. The forests protected me. Gave me a place to hide, to explore, to be alone with nature. On rare occasions, I included another human on the trail.

I'm in Colorado visiting my Dad for the Holidays. Today he took me on one of his favorite hikes. It was up to an ice fishing lake in the Front Range of the Rocky Mountains. I enjoyed this time with him, hiking through the red soil, my boots crunching through the snow. The trail was filled with pines, eroded granite rocks. I breathed in the cold, fresh mountain air. Happy to be out, moving around, walking up a mountain, explore a new. 

When we came to the lake it was mostly frozen over. I stopped to look across the glittering whiteness. The sun was blazing down and I heard the silence, like snow falling. The wind in the pines. Whispering. My feet crunching softly through the snow, padding like cat's paws on the dead grasses. 

It's being out here, in this space, the cold Colorado Winter Mountains that I love. Being in nature. Not just seeing, watching, experiences, but be-ing. Connected to the mountain, breathing the air, watching the snow skimmer down from the high rocks on the wind, the pines whispering. Calmness. Complete and utter calmness. It's this I feel, I love when I am out in the forest.

 

 

The Important Ones

The important people in your life never leave. There may be gaps of time between interactions, but with courage and love, the important ones return/you return to the important ones. 

I mend the broken threads, reintegrating. I release those threads braided too tightly, unbinding. I cherish the threads that have braided more deeply with mine - I love them the most. I remember those threads cut, their time has not come - and may never.

I posted this on Facebook a few days ago. It really says it all. Mending. Releasing. Cherishing Remembering. It's that time of year.

La Dona, my love

I have written about my love for Los Angeles many times. This place, inspires me with such passion, unlike anywhere else in the world. So when I saw Colin Rich's film work capturing long exposures of the city a few years ago I was elated. He's got a new one out that is just unbelievably fantastic. Watching it makes me fall deeply in love with my city again. Enjoy.

City Lights from Colin Rich on Vimeo.

Eldorado

I'm sitting on my couch, drinking coffee, listening to the fantastic Eldorado album by the Electric Light Orchestra. I'm reflecting on last night. I'm reflecting on the year. I'm thinking about all the times I said I love you in the past 24 hours. It's been a lot. 

Darkest night, brightest light. White.

Threads braid, are mended, and unraveled. My heart feels open.

My Swedish Tempurpedic

This morning Los Angeles had a little jolt. I was laying in bed thinking. The next moment I saw, felt and heard a ripple go through the ceiling beams, I felt the jolt, and I thought - ah, it's an earthquake. There's a moment of recognition, of what is happening, and then always the wonder - is this the big one - how long will it go on for - and when it passes - a question of aftershocks.

This morning's quake was just a baby. And after the moment passed, I rolled over and snuggled back under my comforter. And I thought about how much I love this bed: my swedish tempurpedic. 

Let me count the hours I spend on you, in you, refreshed by you, comforted by your soft receptive memory foam. How I am always surprised when returning to your cold hardened surface - you soften with my heat. I imagine the coldness of space - the environment you were developed for. How cold it must be up there, supporting the warmth of a human body. Cocooning it. As you do mine back on earth. Thank you science, thank you human desire to travel in space, for developing this most wonderful technology I can enjoy nightly on this earth.  

Silence

Quietude. Not just with sounds, but the calmness that comes with silence. The enclosing cotton that descends with lack of sound. Stillness. Silence. Quietude.

These are luxurious moments. I feel them in the desert. Sometimes in the afternoon or morning or late at night. Sometimes it's the silence in my car. This soft cotton stillness. It's in these moments I can relax, feel calm. Stress dissolves. 

I'm trying to feel it now, despite the leaf blower and weed wacker and crow cawing. I wish those things would stop. I want to feel the silence. To feel the space. To ignore the possibility of what could come. Not anticipate or desire the next sound, but enjoy the moment. Enjoy the silence.

Surrender

I'm sitting here at my computer, feeling blocked about what to write. I'm in a hard place. I'm not feeling the love. Oh, I have no reason not to feel the love. Saturday was awesome. I spent time with some great new friends today. Today was good, made some progress, but it's clear there is so much work to still do. I'm feeling the blows of being in the game. I'm not complaining - it's just that, it would be so nice to come home to a hug. Or someone telling me how awesome I know I am. Or giving me a pep talk and helping me see I am making progress. Some cheerleading. I don't know, it's not the same as your best friends. I mean, best friends are awesome and all that, and I have the most amazing friends right now, but... it's something more. 

So today, I am just feeling sad. I guess there's got to be space to feel the sadness. Under it all, I know my Taoist future will prevail. So I feel what I feel now, knowing it will pass. Trusting. Surrendering. And eventually, I'll be back in this place here. So yes, let's just stop for a moment and breath and feel all this tightness and construction in my throat. My tongue pressed on the roof of my mouth. Trying to push the feeling away. Instead, let's just hang here, feel it. 

I was reading the dictionary definition of surrender today. It's got all these negative connotations. Like surrendering is bad. Never surrender! Surrender Dorothy. It reminded me of the word acquiesce. Again, another word that is understood with slight negativity. I like the definitions that have no negative judgement. 

Love is surrendering. Relationships are about surrendering. You could say life is about surrendering. I'm feeling all surrendery. 

Last year, Chicken John wrote an awesome piece of relationship advice on the FB. I kept a copy because it was that good. A few excerpts... 

Relationships are about surrender. Surrender, by definination, is when you start fighting for the other team. To get 2 people to surrender to each other is complicated to describe here on paper. But you'll know it when you see it. - Chicken

As I reflect on this past year, one in which I grieved, grieved and grieved some more, I was learning as much about anything as surrender. I surrendered to my life, to the absolutely unusual year unfolding, to re-aquaninting myself with emotions, to the dream of this TV series, to love, to great friendships, to projects, to the draining of my bank account.

The surrender tool has consequences. It's hard. Things should be hard. There should be rewards. And punishments. But they should be their own, not doled out by the person who holds more power. Eliminate power, and you allow justice to be a free agent. And it all just works. It's all about letting go of Control. Letting Chaos provide. - Chicken

Yeah, that's a key. Letting Chaos provide. Letting go of control. Control is an illusion anyway. You could say surrender is the only way. 

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And how did this post end up here on the love from vescent blog? Well, one thing I love is introspection. I think a lot. I'm an intense individual. I reflect, write to make meaning of my present experience. It's a way to explore the present moment, to roll it around in my mouth, suck the sweetness like a hard candy, feel, understand, choose how I want to feel, or understand. To trust myself in the space of reflection. Writing for me is catharsis.