love from vescent

"One cannot search for love. It comes to us unbidden, when we give love to others." - Oscar Wilde

Love

I re-watched Adaptation a few nights ago, and this quote stuck out.

You are what you love, not what loves you. - Adaptation

Love song to Los Angeles

I'm so in love with the song right now. The piano is amazing. The lyrical sentiment. For me though, it's not sung to a person, but to my beloved La Dona. 

 

Lyrics

You know I need your love,
You got that hold over me
Long as I got your love,
You know that I'll never leave
When I wanted you to share my life,
I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you,
woman,
right down the line
I know how much I lean on you,
Only you can see
Changes that I've been through,
Have left their mark on me
You've been as constant as the northern star,
The brightest light that shines
It's been you,
woman,
right down the line
I just wanna say this is my way
Of telling you everything,
I could never say before
Yeah this is my way
of telling you that everyday,
I'm loving you so much more
Cause you believed in me
through my darkest night
Put something better inside of me,
You brought me into the light
Threw away all those crazy dreams, I put them all behind
And it was you,
woman,
right down the line
I just wanna say
this is my way
Of telling you everything,
I could never say before
Yeah this is my way
of telling you that everyday,
I'm loving you so much more
If I should doubt myself,
If I'm losing ground
I wont turn to someone else,
They'd only let me down
When I wanted you to share my life, I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you,
woman,
right down the line

 

 

A Valentines Wish

This V day I am single yet again. But I'm not sad. Rather the opposite. I am full to bursting with love and possibilities. I am surrounded by music I love. My home and objects. Most wonderful friends! My beloved dog. In my beloved city - La Dona - she is always here. And, most of all, I love myself. Srsly, it's been a lot of work to become what I wanted to become. Of course, I dream of an amazing partner. But until he is revealed from the mist, I'm satisfied for the now. 

I've learned a lot about love over the years. Here are two of the most important - archiving on the ole blog for posterity.

The biggest thing I wish I had learned earlier in my life is that you can love someone, and that doesn't mean you have to necessarily do anything or specific things because of it. Like be in a LTR relationship, or get married, or stay married or expect a relationship to last forfuckingever or expect the relationship to even stay the same.

Knowing that, would have made the endings, middles and beginnings of many relationships much easier. But I know it now and that makes the transition of my latest romantic relationship one of the gentlest. It makes it easier to forgive myself for the past. In the end, the love remains.

- Me, January 15, 2016

And

Instead of being sad I'm single this V day, I'm thinking about all the amazing men who've shared my life. That genius rasta-NY-Jew who threw down the sickest bass lines, the humble artist who sketched hundreds of 18 year old heather and still sends me bday wishes, the esoteric Iowa writer who brought me to the bay area, the old prospector who introduced me to the magic of the Mojave desert, the Stoic (outlasting them all), and the most recent romantic. Any one of these could be considered the affair of a lifetime or at least their own romance-adventure novel. I've been lucky, to know - and love - you all. Thank you partners of my past. We had some great adventures. I wish you all the love your heart can handle!

- Me, February 2016

My Dad, my match

In the last year, my dad and I have started having video chats every Friday. We do the normal check in, what is going on with each others lives, but what we most look forward to it our philosophical discussions. I can say, without exception, I have never met my intellectual match. Sure, I have met people who were smarter than me. And people who had different intellectual interests. But my dad and me? We are on the same intellectual level and we have the same interests. The apple does not fall far from the tree with us. We can get into some fantastic heated discussions, and we also give each other different perspectives. 

Sometimes it's uncanny how similar we are to each other. Like the other day, he told me, after I had lamented about some work bumps, "Heather, when you are writing your stuff, just remember, you are a force of nature."

I was like, are you serious dad?! Because it was so surprising to hear my dad tell me something I call myself! I had to ask him if he had seen my twitter bio, but of course he hasn't. He's just reflecting back to me, what I am. And him too.

I always thought of my dad as kinda like Indiana Jones. He always reminds me with his stories of archeological digs and interest in the prehistoric. Our conversations tend to have a big smattering of zen philosophical attitude. I still remember the conversation we had when we talked about opening an Italian restaurant in heaven. (Actually outside the gates of heaven, because there would be more foot traffic there.) I told him he would have to go first and scope out the good location, but I'd come and work in the kitchen later. That we can laugh and be pragmatic at the same time, is so... refreshing. About death. And Heaven (something neither of us believe in.)

So this is a post to say, that I am loving the intellectual discussion we have on a weekly basis. Dad, I love you! We didn't have a very good time being friends 20-30 years ago, but I think what we have now makes up for all those times. I look forward to our conversations, probably as much as you do! 

Expanding Emotional Connection

I've shifted my reality about partnerships over the past months. Rather than focusing on finding a partner, I've been practicing expanding my emotional capacity for human connectedness.

Yes, I'm disillusioned by relationships. I've had great ones. They ended. All relationships will end. Even the "Till Death Do Us Part" ones. And thanks to increasing lifespans, we will have more relationships than ever. The world has changed. Men have changed. (Women have changed.) And relationships are changing. I can no longer cling to my (failed) past ideals. So what to do? What do I want to do?

The relationships that have lasted, that are the strongest, and have gone through shifts of definition, are the ones that will last till death. I do not wear a ring around my finger for these people. Some of these are my very best friends. One is my dog. Some are alternate-reality/fantasy lovers. A few have shared my bed.

Expanding my emotional capacity became a priority after my mom died. I waded through decades of suppressed emotion (because women are too emotional in the workplace and I wanted to be successful, so to be successful meant to suppress emotions, which all too often came exploding out like a geyser only to backfire). I embraced the cocktail of complex emotions. I sat in the thick of the tangle - not bothering to untangle. I learned to tell people (that were not my romantic partner) that I loved them. Because death takes us all, and could bring his kiss at any moment.

Because if you love someone, you should tell them. But loving in/for a moment, doesn't necessarily mean love forever (although it certainly can). Or rather, you can love someone in the moment, and forever, but that doesn't mean you have to change your life or be with them forever or have the expectation of being with them (in love) forever. (Although sometimes those moments last forever, and so then, you could logically say that you do love them/are in love with them, forever, in that moment.) Crap this is complicated when typed out, but maybe you can get my feeling.

Expanding emotional capacity is about having an honest conversation. Being honest with myself. Feeling those squirmy emotions, and not squirming away. Calmly breathing. Feeling. Figuring out (if that's what's needed) or being present to just let it be. 

These shifts are unfolding as I interact with people. So I try to be a honest as I can (as I am with myself), without fear, without invoking fear in others. Being courageous. But of course I still fear. I probably cause some too.

Some kinds of honesty are hard for me. I was always adapting, so good at adapting. So, it was/is hard to hear my honest, own voice (despite also being very good at this). (Hey, society expects women to adapt to external conditions. We're supposed to give. The frail male ego might react to a request with more (negative) emotional overhead than I want to deal with, so I learned to adapt myself, instead of asking for consideration.)

But now, I deeply connect, in a human way at whatever level of depth that is possible with who I am with at that time. To enjoy the moments, to whatever unfolds, to be honest with my heart, to connect and be with another human and to enjoy those deep connections without an expectation of the future. This can be simply, calm and human consideration talking on the phone or chatting with my lyft driver on the way to the airport. When I open up like this, many people can immediately connect on this deeper level. Sure, sometimes it is scary. And I don't always have the energy or emotional capacity to practice, but it feels good and it's pushing me out of my comfort zone and I am learning all kinds of new things.

Marriage, relationships and intimacy are changing, but to what they are changing to depends on our honesty, courage and vulnerability to make a human emotional connection beyond socially constrained patterns.

I know the patterns of the past. I know the anti-patterns & the disrupts. I see nothing in the world that is what I desire, what works for me. So I forge this new path, using my heart as the compass and my emotional capacity as the fuel as I drive into the sunset of uncertainty. Because the Journey is the Destination.

Lexicon of Love II Lyrics

I've been obsessed with ABC for months now and they (Martin - he) just came out with a new album. I've mainlined it for the past week and transcribed the lyrics of several of my favorite songs. Enjoy!

• The Flames of Desire
• Viva Love
• The Singer not the Song
• Ship of the Seasick Sailor
• The Love inside the Love

Ship of the Seasick Sailor lyrics

I've been obsessed with ABC for months now and they (Martin - he) just came out with a new album and it is FANTASTIC! Flames of Desire is amazing. But my favorite song on the album (for now) is the one below. I transcribed the lyrics below by ear. 

The Ship of the Seasick Sailor by ABC

running to the empty spaces
of a love that we once shared
in between the lipstick traces
to a time that we once had.

you mistook me for a man, that I once knew
you caught me unprepared
that's why on the tide of an ocean of failure
an ocean of love in my heart

bring me the ship of the seasick sailor
bring me the keys of the sleeping jailor
bring me the guns of the war torn soldier
bury the flag slung over his shoulder

maybe you could love me again
maybe you could love me again
then and only then,
because it hurts to be your friend.

I've been to all the lonely places
we fought once to defend
I'd hate to be your enemy
because it hurts to be your friend.

you mistook me for a man, that I once knew
enough to taste revenge
that why on the tide of an ocean of failure
an ocean of love in my heart

bring me the ship of the seasick sailor
bring me the keys of the sleeping jailor
bring me the guns of the war torn soldier
bury the flag slung over his shoulder

maybe you could love me again
maybe you could love me again
then and only then,
because it hurts to be your friend.

the sea is calm
the door is locked
we're safe from harm
the ship is docked
the battle's over
the war is won
screen fades to black
in a setting sun

bring me the ship of the seasick sailor
bring me the keys of the sleeping jailor
bring me the guns of the war torn soldier
bury the flag slung over his shoulder

maybe you could love me again (all I can do is ... love)
maybe you could love me again (all I can do is ... love)
then and only then, (...)
because it hurts to be your friend

Reading in the Kitchen

It is Saturday morning. I've been up for hours. The last dregs of my coffee just warmed up with a splash of boiling water. The oven is hissing softly. I've just put in the croissants I left proof overnight. The house is quiet -- I would be playing music, but my roommate got home in the wee hours, and I don't want to disturb him. The dog has been fed. I've done a few little things around the house -- mostly cleaning. I've meant to take care of for a few weeks. 

All these little activities are interspersed between something I love to do - read.

Just moments ago, before I began this piece of writing, I was standing in the kitchen. Book flayed open in one hand, my eyes glued to the page. Occasionally the other hand reaching for the coffee mug. Perhaps I change my stance to read more intently, leaning on the kitchen counter. Only to straighten up once the action has calmed. 

This is a thing I love to do - read standing up. In the kitchen. As some delicious pastry is baked. As my coffee cools and I am about to start the day.

Kisses on the wind

The Santa Anas woke me this morning. With their blustery kisses on every leaf. I open all the windows in the house to let in your sweet caresses. To take them into my lungs. 

Mojave Volcano

I took the day off and went to my favorite volcano. It's about an hour from my house, a gorgeous drive through the heart of the mojave. I had a perfect picnic lunch with prosecco, cheese and crackers packed. Mr D was in the passenger seat. The top was down. It was 78 in Amboy, and we had a lovely hike to the center of the volcano. Gazing upon the black lava flows -- I never tire of this landscape.

I watched butterflies zoom and flit in the wind. How surprising, I thought, butterflies on a volcano. The wind was relentless, but refreshing. The sun was warm. My feet crunched on rock and sunk into sand. Up on the rim, overlooking the world, I remembered it was Thursday afternoon. No day job to hold me back from adventures!