heathervescent

How I Read a Novel

Open the book to the last page. Skim quickly to find the beginning of the last sentence, or sometimes paragraph, or set of paragraphs. Read until the end. Flip to the first page. Begin reading.

Yes, I am one of those people who read the end of the book first. I do this to challenge the material. One criteria of a good writer/novel, is the ability to tell the story - the unfolding. So that even if the reader knows the end of the story, it doesn't click into place until read in the proper order. Then when you come to the end (which you are already familiar with) it means something different. Before, when you had read it out of context it meant something, and later, when you read it the order in which the creator expected it to be experienced, it means something different.

The Epoch is Dead. Long live the Epoch!

I glanced at the most recent Nature magazine when the sleep deprived self wandered downstairs at 5am this morning pondering coffee. The cover had some picture and article about Neuroscience and in a flash, I knew - we are living in a different time.

Later, I was reviewing discovers, explorers and adventurers of the past, only to turn it on its head and think, who are the people that in the future will be in these slots. The people alive today. The Lewis and Clark and Pizarro and Cortez? The theme back then was expansion by discovery and conquering native races. The concept of a "new" world back then was mind-blowing.

One area I think in hindsight will be seen as massive turning points in the evolution of human/ity is the current research being done in neuroscience. The understanding of the brain. fMRI is the camera that allows a window into the electric brain activities. The work and research (and knowledge and paradigm shifts) are in the tinest of baby steps and I believe will explode exponentially within my lifetime and beyond.

Another area I believe will in retrospect be huge is the exploration of space and our local solar system. This area of exploration is in some ways similar to the adventurers I mentioned. Who will Richard Branson be in hindsight? What about Peter Diamandis? Not to mention the many technical geni at work on the many projects. How can you not compare NASA/JPL to the Portuguese Crown?

Thinking about the future by thinking about the past. Compare and extrapolate. 

Attitudes are changing, have changed. What was once closed and secret is open, leaning toward transparency, collaboration. The veils are being lifted and we are forever ushered into a new epoch. The world as we knew it has transformed. Changed. And we have done it.

Funny Study Tip

WHILE there is a next sentence to read, DO:
  BEGIN (* while *)
    Read it, SLOWLY;
    IF you do not understand it, THEN
      BEGIN (* if *)
        re-read the previous material, SLOWLY;
        re-read the incomprehensible sentence, SLOWLY;
        IF you still don't understand it, THEN
           ask a fellow student to explain it;
        IF you still don't understand it, THEN
           ask your Teaching Assistant (TA) to explain it;
        IF you still don't understand it, THEN
           ask me;
        IF you are in an upper-level course & you still don't understand it, THEN
           write a paper about it (!)
      END (* if *)
END; (* while *)

From here. Since I am refreshing my memory of over 1000 vocabulary words and other miscellaneous crap that I won't need to forecast the future.

Container Gardening

This spring and summer I started my first experiments in container gardening. I had ambitious plans, I wanted a vertical wall of edible greenery and containers brimming with deliciousness. Well, it didn't work out exactly the way I envisioned it, but I still had a good time.

The Good

1. Fruit Trees: I bought two somewhat mature trees: an avocado and a meyer lemon. After the summer, the lemon is doing really great with lots of fat green lemons ready for a winter harvest. The avocado tree is doing less well. I believe it got too hot and it's leaves turned brown and started dropping. I started giving it more water, then moved it to partial shade and then full shade/dappled sunlight. It seems to be doing better, but no fruit. I'll focus on this a bit more next season.

2. Strawberry Pot: My aunt gave me a couple of her old strawberry pots and I stuffed them full of strawberry plants. These have done really well. At first they produced good fruit, but then slowed down. Although there are 8 plants in the pot, I never got enough strawberries at any one time to eat a bowl of them. I'll add another couple strawberry pots next round.

3. Herbs: I put together several mixed herb pots in large containers. These are doing significantly better than herbs in their own pots. I did a massive culling at the end of summer and dried my own herbs and actually use them in my cooking. I mixed herbs with other flowers in some pots. For some reason, the large containers with various plants seem to do the best. Maybe because it takes more time to dry out.

I've always wanted to grow mint, but as easy as everyone tells me it is, I have not had good luck. Mine always seems to dry out - I guess it's too hot. I've got a new mint pot going with two types of mint. I hope it flourishes. I originally planted a lot of herbs with my avocado tree, but as it was not doing so well, I moved these to other pots. The next time I do more gardening, I will clear out the additional herbs. Here's a list of some of my pots.

• Herb Pot 1: Variegated Sage, Rosemary, Thyme, Oregano
• Herb Pot 2: Basil (about 6 plants)
• Herb Pot 3: Variegated Sage
• Herb Pot 4: Mint (2 varieties)
• Mixed Pot: Regular Sage, Lambs Ear, Potato Flower
• Mixed Pot: Avocado Tree, Parsley, Lemon Balm, other plants

4. The Rose: I am not usually a fan of rosebushes, but I have a few favorites. I found one of them - a dusty purple rose with an amazing fragrance in Alice in Wonderland rose bush formation (you know with the long stem and the bunch of roses on the top.) This did great for several months after I got it and I have watched it go through growing the stems, flowers, death and then silent for a while. We're in a silent period right now and I'd love to learn how to make it produce more and more often. I want to move my parsley into the base of this pot because I heard it is supposed to make the blooms smell more intensely.

The Bad

1. Tomatoes: I have only recently become a tomato fan and my past experiments with growing tomatoes have not been that great. The biggest problem: my tomatoes always seem to attract aphids. This year, I was doing fine - I had some nice tomato starter plants from my aunt. I filled up 20 gallon pots with dirt and was planning to grown them in those.

They started out pretty good for the most part - and then one plant started turning brown. It took me too long to realize what was going on and by then several other of my plants were infested. I tried natural remedies for a bit (that listerine, dish soap, water mix) with no luck and then went straight to the pesticides - which worked, but did not kill everything. I eventually gave up on the tomatoes and threw them all out. The few tomatoes I did get, were not edible anyway. Better luck next time....

2. The Sun: One of the good things about container gardening, is that you can move the pots around depending on the time of year and location of the sun. I have a large back area poured with concrete between several buildings, so I get inconsistent light (both direct and indirect). And it really changes depending on the time of the year.

This summer was really hot - and even though I moved the pots to shady areas, they still suffered. In the hottest weather I would water every day - sometimes twice a day - and I still lost plants. I wanted to set up a drip irrigation system, but it seemed too difficult - especially in my rental. It only made me dream for the day when I have my own bit of earth.

The Ugly

1. Pests: I had completely forgotten about pests and they really got away with literal murder on my container garden. Aphids were my bane - not only on the tomatoes, but they decimated two hanging pots of flowers. Then I had this ninja pest that would eat holes in my sage, basil and other plants. At first I thought I had snails and went on the hunt - but there were no snail trail tell-tales. One morning while watering my garden a huge grasshopper jumped out of my ferns. It was bigger than my index finger. I knew he was the culprit. I chased him down the driveway and into the street and things got much better.

2. Too Much: I was very excited to get started on the container gardening so I went overboard and got a lot of plants. It didn't help much that my aunt (who is very into gardening too) took me out to the growers and we got tiny plants direct from the wholesalers for tiny amounts of money. I got home and went on a marathon potting session, but still barely made a dent in my many plants. Eventually many of them died. I felt bad about that because I hate seeing things die - especially plants that if I was a better tender (or planner) would not have. (Well, they were also slated for the mulcher back at the wholesaler, so I guess in some way I rescued them.)

All in all, I am ok with my container gardening experiment this summer. My main reason for beginning on this was to grow some food to eat - I failed in that. I do plan to try again. I'd really like to do potatoes, carrots, garlic, onions, tomatoes, red pepper, green beans, cucember and greens (lettaces, spinach and chard). I'll pick a few of those to try for the winter.

But really, I dream of this little bit of earth - maybe it's a backyard in LA, maybe it's a small acreage just outside of LA, where I can have chickens, a few goats and a garden with fruit and nut trees. And a lilac bush or two. That's what I really want.

After the Burn

I had convinced the CHP to let me through the checkpoint. I had a badly printed letter from my friends Zarka and Jane and was headed into the burned forest for a sandbagging party. I had forgotten to double check their address, confident I knew the place. I was wrong.

Something like respect made me drive these twisty mountain roads at a snail's pace of 30 miles per hour. I sipped my coffee and took in the view. Ash. Grey. Black and Burned. Clouds and Mountains. The overcast sky parted to show jagged bare mountains. A ridgline with a few black skeletons - remains of the pines. I felt like I was entering a Chinese Martial Arts Epic. My own Rashomon. Or Samuri Champlu. The mountains were alternately covered in bare black limbs and untouched trees, bushes and brush. I understood the fire. How it had moved from place to place. Traveled up and down these mountains. How some places were decimated, while others lush and green. I understood the chance of surviving a fire. (Retreat into the earth.)

I passed the turnoff to Tujunga and pulled over at what looked like the spot. The gate was locked, the sign burned. I began to hike down the locked road. Before I got far, the Sheriff stopped by my car. I paused to catch my breath after running up the hill. He questioned me with a look of amusement, "How did you get in here?!"

I explained it to him satisfactarily and we went our ways. Me, back down into burned brush. At the bottom of the mountain, I heard a stream; blue birds flitted from tree to black branched tree. Grey ground squirrels rustled in the leaves. The trees in the picnic area looked untouched. It was a similar place, but not the place I was supposed to be. I hiked back up the hill, got in my car and continuned to drive.

I passed the road to Mt Wilson and briefly thought of detouring to visit one of my favorite places in LA. I last saw it on helicopter webcams. But I drove almost all the way to the ski areas before turning around and finding a forest ranger. I could not get there from here. The roads were closed. Impassable. I had to backtrack. I left my respectable 30 mph right then.

--

The fire destruction could not have been more different. All was black and ash. The possibility for pockets of green life survival was almost zero. I saw stone foundations and fireplaces standing in squares. Black twisted metal. I scanned the hillside for the house I knew was still standing and forced my city tires to pull me up the dirt, ash and boulder filled driveway.

To my surprise, there was green everywhere. Small shoots coming out of the grown. Fresh green leaves and brown branches off the oaks. I followed Zarka back into the gorge to get to work. He showed me the spring and we stacked branches around the pipes - hoping they would delay the sharp rocks that ineviteably would slide down and break them.

I worked in silence. Dragging the huge branches and putting them in place. I enjoyed being alone. Truly alone - no electronic devices whirring in my pocket. I heard rocks falling at the back of the gorge. A drawn out tumble. I noticed the thick bark - charred black - that protected the nearby tree. It was at least 1/4 inch thick and peeling off like sunburned skin. Walking back to the house, I came across the charred remains of a fox. I could see still her tongue between her teeth, a huge hole in her skull - brain exploded from the heat.

During a break, we gathered on the wood deck for food. Out came huge plates of steaming chicken and homemade apple honey mead. I was amazed that this huge wood deck had been untouched when entire wood structures were gone. Such is the power of fire retardant paint. Technology.

Before I left, we convinced Jane to sing us her new songs. She sat down to her piano and we crammed in the small doorways. Her voice was clear and hung in the air. She sang about the fire. I couldn't help to imagine, to see her voice, her song clear and pure contrasted with the chaos of the fire. It was if her song, while singing the beauty, respect and destruction of the fire, kept it at bay. Kept the flames burning in a circle around her untouched house.

The First Fight

Note: This blog post is cross-posted from The Work 101 Blog.

I’ve had a few reservations about the work since I joined the group in July.  I always move towards collaborative working relationships,  however not all of them have turned out great. In fact, several of my  recent past collaborative relationships have ended on bad terms.  I’ve had a fear that this may happen with the work group and have been holding my breath, wondering how long until there is a defining divisive fight; hoping it will never happen. I’ve spent the morning talking with one of my collaborators, Kaye, about this fear and something she said made me positively reframe it.

“One of the reasons I keep coming back to the work, is because of the fights and how we resolve them. Trusting that even when we have fights, that they will get resolved, and get resolved in a way that makes us stronger.” The first fight is critical because you directly experience how someone fights. And what is a fight anyway? An emotionally heated disagreement. How do you resolve the differences and move beyond them? These resolved “fights” become part of the collaboration.  An experience of how others work with each other when they have differing points of view.

Everyone has different perspectives, experiences and objectives. When working collaboratively, there are times when you will disagree with others. In one recent work session, I found myself both agreeing and disagreeing with my collaborators – sometimes at the same time with different topics. As my collaborators spoke, I saw their perspectives.

I found myself aligned with what one said, and saw I wasn’t in the same place as another.  There was no problem in that.  We all worked together to create what each of us needed. It’s not about being right or a particular person being in charge – it’s about working together to create what we jointly want to create.  Collaborative work creates the space for disagreements with respect.

I realized I had nothing to worry. My “first fight” with my work101 collaborators was months ago.  We have already moved beyond those disagreements leaving only the space for our collaborative work.

Heathervescent

Practical Futurist, Co-Creator of theWork101

www.heathervescent.com

Friends

I remember when I had friends that didn't try to sell me anything. They didn't promote anything. They didn't make me buy tickets to their parties. I wasn't a target market. They didn't want to teach me anything. There weren't photos on the web. Everything wasn't marketed.

What happened to that time? What happened to my "friends"?

Personal Branding and Audience Development Worksheet

I've become a recent devotee of Mindjet's Mindmapping software. It is a great tool for creating order from amorphous ideas in your head. I'm in the process of creating several templates based on my dozen plus years working in the Internet industry and my methods for getting things done and creating your dream life. I'm getting ready to release my first template, but first, I'd love some feedback.

Introducing: The Personal Branding and Audience Development Worksheet

This worksheet outlines key areas to focus on, with specific questions aimed at creating a personal brand - and then building your audience based on it. It will be released as a Mindjet Mindmanager template in the very near future. 

I am no longer offering this worksheet as a free download. However you may purchase the worksheet for the mere price of $5. If you find no value from my years of experience in document form, I am happy to refund you the amount, less transaction fees. Wuffie doesn't pay the taxman. :)

Personal Productization and Audience Development Worksheet, pdf file. $5 USD.

Please do give me feedback via twitter @heathervescent or via email blog at heathervescent dot com (or any other email address you have for me).

Thanks!

Connected Circle

Yesterday morning I was working in the community garden and the big chore was to deal with the compost pile. If you don't know what a compost pile is, it's a big pile of decaying green plant matter. Once decayed this material is rich with nutrients and added back to the garden to enrich the soil.

In this community garden composting is very strict, and only desirable vegetable matter can be composted - that means no weeds, plastic, strings, etc. Well, as you can guess, not everyone follows the rules. So the job this morning was to sort through the compost pile and remove the weeds, plastic and trash. In addition, long pieces of plants (like corn-stalks, tomato plants and rosemary bushes) must be chopped down into small pieces.

An initial thought passed through my mind when I heard about our job: WTF!? I am going to have to sift through a pile of decaying and rotting plants for needles in the haystack?! But, I realized, it did no good to have judgment about the disgustingness of the job, so I put it away and got to work. It was a difficult job - one that could not be done quickly, if done well. I decided to practice impeccability and sift the weeds from the rest of the plants. I was not the only one doing this - we had a whole team, sifting, sorting and chopping with huge machetes. I took a pitchfork and began the seemingly enormous task of dissecting the pile. It helped that another women was doing this in tandem with me. I can identify plenty of plants in life - but in their death - it's quite hard to tell the difference sometimes between fennel, cornsilk and dried grass.

The reason we had to take the weeds out, was because our compost doesn't get hot enough to kill the weed seeds. So when the compose is returned to the soil, you'll get weeds back in your garden. As I worked, it seemed to me this was an analogy. Inside ourselves are weeds (and weed seeds). And try as we might to uproot them, we are not always successful. Even in death we keep our weed seeds, pass them on.

Later I took a job chopping down the long plant matter. I sat on a low bench with a long machete and on a level stump of wood chopped down corn stalks, fennel stalks, rosemary bushes and tall flower stalks. Plant matter decayed faster when it was chopped. I realized that although these plants were dead, the energy in them was not gone. They needed help to decay faster so that they could rise again in the soil.

As I chopped, I learned about/from the plants. I recognized the misgrown corns, the infected squashes, plants in various levels of wet decaying. The pile grew smaller. I became more successful in pulling out the weeds, the pieces of string around dead tomato plants. I did not feel pity for the plants. I knew they would be back. I was detached in my work. I knew I had to help them return to what they were, before they could be something new.

Non-Technological Mornings

I used to run to the computer when I awoke. There were emails to read, blog posts to write. I needed to check into my vibrant world and see what was happening. The morning would turn to noon and although I felt connected and educated, I hadn't necessarily got anything done. I was left with an emptiness. A crave for a sustainable intimate connection. Not the quick fix email/blog comment/twitter high.

These days, when I awake, I jump downstairs, put the kettle on and make a cup of coffee in my single drip Melita cone. I open the patio door and step outside; feel the breeze on my bare skin, smell the morning moistness, take in the colors and textures of my many plants. Coffee in hand, I sit in my favorite chair and drink in this moment of silence and calm, connected to my surroundings. Even the pup sniffs the air, watches the wind in the leaves and lays quietly on the patio rug.

Until it's time for the walk! We jump up and walk out into our neighborhood. We have friends along the walk. Romeo has his favorite bushes, and I my favorite trees. We admire the yardwork and landscaping, the fences and hedgerows. In our eight block sojourn we sometimes meet what I call my dogwalk friends, although we have never officially met. I love the retired Russian men and women who wait for the van to their cool community center. I say hello and smile to them. There are a few people with whom I have cultivated regular morning greetings. It took a few weeks of me saying "Good Morning" before I got a mumbled response. Now when we see each other - I with my trotting pup and he slowly making his way down the sidewalk with his walker we both say a cheerful "Good Morning". It's fun to have people to greet, even though I don't know their names. We share these same blocks, so why not be civil and friendly?

I could write about the firemen who jog in the street. The new grass mulching. The road repair work. The crazy plant house, the night blooming Brugmansia, the house re-landscaping to california native plants. These are my mornings. These are how I fill my senses and feed my soul before sitting down to technology.

I come to the computer already connected to my world, instead of looking to connect.

An Old Friend

There has been some interesting things happening in the recent month. I've been keeping quiet about them, because they have been pretty fragile. Well, they still are, but I feel pretty good about them, I thought I might finally mention them on the ole' public blog.

It's got a lot to do with healing the wounds of the recent past. I had isolated myself part of last year and much of this because I had felt betrayed by some close people. Not just one person, but several. I rarely get stabbed in the heart by strangers, but mostly by those close to me. In the last year, I have experience three separate incidents.

All of them were dark, unexpected, self-important. Definitely not what I would have expected. I did what I had to do to move through them and go on with my life. I'm no victim, but I didn't feel good putting myself out there and instead isolated myself. This was not such a good thing - as even introverts need people.

Anyway, some situations have come into my life that are helping a total healing of these three knife stabs. One in the form of an old friend (well not so old - one that was very much on the blog a few years ago) and another in a new group of supporters - perfectly matching my dream if I had dared to dream of them. 

It's scary to tread on these areas that throw up warning flags left and right, but I step carefully and breathe calmly trusting myself and slowly I trust little by little. It feels good to be back on that ground, although shaky, after all.

On Thanking

I'd describe 2009 as the year of the dark cloud with the silver lining. It feels like there has been lots of disappointments and little success. But for each dark cloud - I have focused on the silver lining. I am thankful for these silver linings

1. Mom Kicking Cancer. She was diagnosed with a really bad cancer earlier this year. We thought she might have only a year to live - but she's actively kicking cancer's ass. yay for mom.
2. The Best Boyfriend in the World. I can't even begin to talk about how awesome the boyf is. I'm very thankful for him.
3. Traveling. My flexible schedule (aka lots of free time) have made it possible for me to visit my grandparents, my dad, my mom and visit Anna in Peru. It's important to connect with people in person.
4. Friends. I know a lot of people, but I let few into my heart. When I think of those close to me, I am amazed by them. I need to remember there are more good people in the world and there are lots of people I could be better, closer friends with.
5. My Pup. A good dog is better than all the people in the world. I've just learned this dog-owner fact.
6. My Body. Although I could lose a few pounds, I am in great shape and I've never (knock on wood) had any major health problems. I'm happy with my mind, my intelligence and what I create using all my cells.
7. My clean carpet and my nice house. It's come a long way from the bachelor pad of 3 years ago. My home always must be my favorite place in the world and it is.
8. My container garden. I was not to be stopped by having no backyard to plant in - I took over the driveway and created a flourishing garden with trees, roses, flowers and herbs in containers.
9. My newfound excitement in science and future studies. I've always been a predictor - seen and created the future. The only people I knew who did that were crazy sibyls not using scientific methods - that is, until I found out about future forecasting based on science methods. I know this study is something I wish to pursue.

With every disappointment, I find a silver lining. I find something to learn. Some way to improve myself. A new perspective. Because I believe everything happens for a reason - just sometimes you don't know what that reason is.

A Whole Vacant Lot

I love a metaphor. Usually when you tell someone you love them it's full of flourishes, flowers and bits from the heart. Gushy, soft musings. Full of metaphor and comparisons.

I was reminded of a metaphor I used to tell my dad how I loved him. I would always say, I love you a whole vacant lot. Why? Because that was the biggest thing I could think of. Today, I still remember the original vacant lot, and it still makes perfect sense. However, I can understand why you might be confused, that's just how my brain works.

Photo by Steve Vance via Flickr.

Imagine all that filled with love. That's the metaphor.

Musings On Television and Media

Seeing We Live in Public a second time has brought up a wash of TV memories. If you've caught me in a belligerent mood at a party you know my two favorite things to faux-brag about are my unbelievable introversion (everyone just sees me in extrovert mode) and the fact I haven't owned a TV for 15 years.

I have a deep hatred and aversion to television and the content and media produced and distributed on/with it. Of course, there's a much longer story to this. You can't hate something, unless you've loved it.

I don't believe I consumed more TV than average - probably less. I spent much of my prime TV watching years in Iowa - where we were lucky to have 3 or 4 channels. But I did spend loads of time from when I was 10 until 14 consuming television - many hours every day. Prior to then, it was cartoons and nature programs. A few Harryhausen stop animation and fantasy films. Around that time TV networks and cable really took off. I remember when Nickelodeon was launched and when MTV used to play music videos. (I still remember seeing Axel Rose crooning and swooning about his sweet child.) I'm a gourmet cook and can whip up the most complicated dish with only a few sips from the Joy of Cooking. That comes from my years of watching Jeff Smith's Frugal Gourmet. I had perfected chocolate souffle when I was 13. My absolute favorite show was You Can't do that on Television. Even then, I was attracted to the interrupters. It was horrible Canadian Television with lots of green slime. But better than anything created in the US.

Shortly after that time though, something shifted. It was about the time I discovered philosophy and decided I wanted to be in control of who I became, not shaped by the world around me. At that time, I became selective of the media I consumed. Already I started the long and tedious process of re/unwiring my programming. Of course, first you have to realize what your programming is. There was also the added challenge of being an adolescent girl of divorced parents living on her own.

I didn't say goodbye to the tube until college. Of course, I just switched drugs - preferring the interactive black and green BBS chatrooms and limited 5 line profiles to passively watching programming. When 12 baud dial-up was unbearable I saved up the money from my art modeling gig to buy a 28 baud modem and installed it myself. I briefly had a boyfriend who studied in the broadcasting and TV group and one late night conversation led me to the realization that those who create the media do not consume it. You couldn't. You had to be beyond it. That's when the nail went in my TVs coffin. I wish I could say I took my 13 inch out to the backyard and introduced it to my sledgehammer or used it as target practice - but I wasn't into guns and violence at that time. I merely sold it.

That was 15 years ago. Since then, my TV interactions have been few and far between. I never bought another one, although for about a year, I rescued a huge push channel, big box TV from the street and left it on my Berkeley front porch pointed out to the street with the "snow channel".  It was some form of art or rebellion or commentary on something deeply philosophical I forget about now.

The television is very powerful - because it programs you. The internet is the same. The media may be different, but the activity it does is the same. You watch, you learn. Mirror neurons. Creating and building neural pathways. You become/evolve what you surround yourself with. Television isn't in my trusted network.

Science Digest #2

The Second installation of my Science Column on Suicide Girls is Live. In it, I talk about NASA TV, Magic, Kurzweil responds gracefully under fire and French Nature Films featuring Octupi and Vampires. Here's a snippet.

Seeing Is Not Always Believing
Research about our brain has exploded in the recent past. fMRI technology makes it relatively easy to study the brain while we do things. We’re beyond merely learning about our biological wiring; we’re learning what the electrical blips and bleeps might mean. I’m fascinated with perception and how our brains take sensory data and make a world of it. Did you know that your eyes perceives the world upside down? It’s our brains that turn the image of it right side up.

What profession loves to take advantage of our mis-attention and misperceptions? Put on your white gloves and get our your black hat. It’s Magic! A few months ago, Science News had a cover story about scientists who are picking up a few Neurological tricks from professional magicians. Using eye tracking technology, magician and neuroscientist Gustav Kuhn tested participants as they watched him throw and palm a ball. The eyes watched the ball – even when it was palmed. It was the brain that tricked the participant into believing differently. Wired covered the same topic with Teller from the duo Penn and Teller the same month. These stories reminded me of the “amazing color changing card trick,” that got me a few years ago. Watch the video below and try it yourself (and share what you see in the comments section).

Read the rest of the article (and comment too!)

My Kind of Girl Toy

"Underneath Heather's beautiful dress, is a tornado of power!" This is definitely a toy made in my image - except I'd have a silver metallic ballgown.

Feeling Philosophical

I am the ox that plows the fields, but I do not get to reap what is grown in them. I try to be satisfied in my role, but it makes me sad sometimes.

Then again, neither does the seed reap the benefit of what it becomes.

Dog eating a hotdog

DSC_4550
Originally uploaded by suprdave89

Romeo gets a hotdog on the Hotdog Death March.

A Letter from Francis Coppola

It is a dream come true to be able to make personal films and have them shown in great theatres such as Landmark's. Tetro is the kind of film I might have been making 35 years ago, had my career not taken an abrupt and sudden turn as it did with The Godfather. Sure, it was exhilarating to find myself an important Hollywood director, with all that came with it. But as the years went on, I found myself trying to avoid becoming a gangster film director, with all that came with that: stabbings, shootings, car crashes and strangulations. It became pretty clear that even if well-paid, a Hollywood director is expected to do what the company who employs him wants. And most times it is a genre film of some type, if not a gangster film, then take your choice between a thriller, a caper film, a romantic comedy (nothing wrong with that) or sci-fi epic (nor that). I found myself dissatisfied, and frustrated over the fact that even though I had made successful films and won plenty of awards, I still would have to go, hat in hand, and beg permission to make something really new.

With Apocalypse Now, I ultimately found I had to finance it myself. Financing movies is a perilous activity, especially when the films are as unusual as I wanted to make. At first Apocalypse Now seemed as if it would bury me—the initial reaction wasn't good, despite some acknowledged spectacular scenes, but it was deemed too philosophical or worse, 'arty'—which is the ultimate damning word that can be used on a film. Well, I thought, weren't most of Ingmar Bergman' or Michelangelo Antonioni's films 'arty but good'? As were the many films of Federico Fellini or Akira Kurosawa? Maybe those films weren't financial powerhouses, but they stayed with you and were inspirational. And also, they were all different from any other films being made. That in the end is my main criteria for enjoying a film: that I never saw it before or anything quite like it.

Many years went by.

Then, taking inspiration from my daughter who had learned the very same tricks from me, I decided to return to my youth, and realizing that the smaller the budget of a film the greater the ideas of that film could be, began to self-finance the very kinds of films I had hoped to make at the beginning. It was like trying to find my place, after being away a long time. I took a story from Mircea Eliade, Youth Without Youth. When it was done, I found the film audience had ventured even further away from anything other than the pre-made, pre-measured genre films that I had tried to escape from, and now wanted even their independent films to be mini-Hollywood ventures. No matter, I thought, the idea was to find myself and I had done that. Now, the next step was to pick up where I had left off, and write an original story and screenplay, something I hadn't done for 30 years since The Conversation.

The result is Tetro, which you are about to see soon at a Landmark theatre near you. I hope you will find it moving, as it is drawn from real emotions related to my experiences and life—though not in any way autobiographical. I hope you wish me well on this new career of mine. It was the one I always wanted from the beginning, to be an independent filmmaker, writing stories and making personal films. God knows what will come next!

Sincerely,
Francis Coppola

-----

This is the kind of director I want to be. These are the kind of films I want to make. Apocalypse Now is one of my all time favorite movies, along with another by Mr Fellini.

Geeks show some Tattoo love

My latest at Suicide Girls is an article showcasing geeks with geeky tattoos.

A few years ago a friend was showing me his tattoos at a geeky event I organized. He turned around, pulled down his collared shirt -- and my eyes popped out of my skull. He had a DB-9 port tattooed to the back of his neck. He then proceeded to show me other parts of his body as that wasn’t his only “geeky” tattoo. A few months later I met a friend’s wife who had her name tattooed on her arm -- in binary code. It wrapped her arm like a bracelet of ones and zeros. These geeky tattoos were few and far between, so I went in search of tattoos of the geeky kind. Here's a tour of some of my favorites. (Read the rest of the article)

Avatars of the Future

In Jack McDevitt's Seeker, one of the main characters is searching for a lost colony. To try to understand where it might be located, she calls up the Avatar of the colony's founder. This avatar is created by the computer from historical data: newspapers, documented speeches, television, photographs and other documented media. A 3D hologram is created of the person and he can have conversation with our intrepid detective.

In Douglas Hofstadter's I am a Strange Loop, he brings up the concept that inside each of us, are the active consciousness of others. He uses his wife, who had died, as an example.

"I keep trying, though, to figure out the extent to which I believe that because of my memories of her (in my brain or on paper), and those of other people, some of Carol's consciousness, her interiority, remains on this planet. Being a strong believer in the noncentralizedness of consciousness, in its distributedness, I tend to think that in one particular brain, it is also somewhat present in other brains as well, and so, when the central brain is destroyed, tiny fragments of the living individual remain - remain alive, that is." (IAASL, p 230)

People talk about the Singularity as the time when computers will be able to hold a downloaded human brain. And the underlying assumption (I get) from this magical time, is that we'll be able to download our brain/intelligence/consciousness into a computer and be able to cheat old age and death. We'll be able to "live" on in the computer hardware infrastructure (or augment/evolve our organic brain).

One of the things the singularity will facilitate (because I do think we can do this now) is to help us create more complete avatars of ourselves. This will help us understand ourselves.

I agree with Hofstadter - there are people who are not myself in my head. People who inspire me and remind me what I think is right. ("WWJD" is a great example of this.) I remember my dead grandmother, her advice, what she loved. I was obsessed with Bruce Chatwin for about a year and read everything I could about him. He's still rattling back there in my brain (and often eggs me on to find his dreamlines in Australia). I've replayed conversations I've had with people. I know people who try out their conversations with their version of the person in their head before having the conversation with the actual person.

I'm sure algorithms exist that can scrape your blog, social network feeds to create an avatar of you - or at least a marketing demographic. The next step it seems to me - is to scan your brain. This would be a fascinating discovery. Are you really who you think you are? What is the composite creation of yourself? (Based on your brain scanned data? based on external data? based on brain scanned data of you from other brains?)

Talk about amazing 360 degree feedback. And talk about creating a digital representation of yourself. I think this is not only possible, but will happen. And some people will love this (for the history books) and others will go offline even more.

Anniversary

Saturday the boyf and I took his car "that can not be named" up to Ojai for a daytrip. We bopped around the town, got a late breakfast and then I suggested we explore highway 33 north through the Los Padres Forest. The tires squeeled around the turns (which the boyf was taking at double the recommended speed) and I gripped the armhold on the door and wished for five point harnesses.

My face was a complete grin and there were no other cars (or motorcycles) in sight. Just magestic purple mountains, rocks and meadows. It reminded me how beautiful California is. There is really no other place on earth - and here we were - a mere 3 hours north of one of the biggest metropolis' in the northern hemisphere. Which made me all weepy for LA.

June gloom and Jacarandas remind me of my first month in LA. I knew the anniversary was coming up when the purple flowers started mucking up the sidewalks on the morning dogwalk. I watched the pair of Jacarandas - over 3 stories high - bloom and make a psychedelic canvas on the rich green grass. First week in June. Five years ago I left San Francisco and arrived in a Venice bungalow. I've spent another year in this city. It's five now. Five years in LA and no sign of leaving.

Technology Evolution and Limitation

Our technology is limited by the User Interface - which is limited by our belief in how we think we should interact with technology.

Making Lemonade with Four Wheels

Whack jobs
Who is crazy enough to put a six point roll cage into a Geo Metro, Bitchin Camaro, Saab 900 or VW Rabbit with a pancake on it’s head? “Serious racers who've had enough of the seriousness and just want to go out and have a good time for a change. Or whack jobs who've always wanted to get on a racetrack but couldn't figure out how to get started,” says Lamm.

My team was definitely of the whack job variety. Let me introduce them: Dominik our fearless leader had the genius idea to take the piece of junk supra to the races. The car was actually his girlfriend Kelly's, and she used to drive it around south pasadena with her two pit bull mixes in the back. It had broken down on her more than once. Dave was our master welder and patiently bended and often rebended the roll cage pieces. Sam was the least crazy of us all and proved to be the best and fastest driver getting only one penalty when he did a 180. You already know me -- I'm hell on four wheels.

Read the rest of my article over on the Suicide Girls site.

Winners!

Big thank you to Dominik, Sam, Kelly and our weekend welder Dave - the Junkyard Dogs Racing Team - who put hours of long effort to make the "Mad Max" car the Judges Choice at our first 24 Hours of Lemons.

I felt like of the runt of the pack - trying to help and stay out of the way. Sitting back and letting others make decisions. It wasn't my car. I hadn't put in the long hours welding the cage (although I did work on the car - it was mostly the guys). I was just excited to have my own racing suit and (third) helmet. (Apparently my motorcycle helmets can not be used for car racing.) I was nervous and anxious before the race. It would be a few hours before my turn behind the wheel. So I decided to sit down and chill out. My time to cram into the 5 point harness, neck brack and helmet would come.

And then it did. I was strapped in. Driving through the paddock to the hot pits. One final check and I was on the track. One thought barely flitted in my mind - that maybe I was scared - but like the bulldozer on the minivan Sunday afternoon - that thought was gone as I braked for my first turn and put the wheels to squealing.

I felt the tactile nubs on the steering wheel. My right foot went from accelerator to brake. My eyes analyzed the track, my brain calculating the curves, bank and how and where to enter them. I didn't notice the pressure from centrifugal force moving me to this side and that. I heard the rev and popping of engines. I smelled burned oil, brakes and fuel. I was calm, relaxed and one with the car.

I pushed it through the turns gaining what little speed I could. I swung the back end with a not always small fishtail (that more than once turned into a 180). I watched how the more expert racers (who were driving almost twice my speed) set themselves up for the curves and hills - and I tried to stay out of the way when the pack descended upon me passing on all sides through the straightways or the curves. I wasn't phased by them. I just wish I had someone to race with. I didn't pass one car the entire time. It seems we forgot to bring a racecar to the race. :)

Nevertheless, I've lost my racing virginity and gotten bitten by the bug. I foresee many cars and tracks in my future.

Free Will vs Programming

Free will is a concept easily understood, and of course everyone thinks they have it - cause "I am in charge" - but it's not always the case. That "I am in charge" often comes pre-programmed (and it's so subtle that we don't even realize it). When responding, reacting or behaving from that programmed "I am in charge" person - sorry to break it to you - but that's not free will - that's "pre-destined aka programmed" behavior that is just finishing out it's if/then statement.

How to have free will? It's simple:
1. Observe your programming (and biases) - you must understand your adversary before you can defeat it
2. Inventory your programming - what do you want to keep (it helps you) what do you want to drop (hold you back)
3. Create games and fun ways to unprogram/upgrade your programming

Note: you must have a new better program to replace the one you are removing.

See - simple in concept - years to "accomplish."

On Corporations

Rough thoughts. Ive always been fascinated by the definition of corporations/companies as entities in the eyes of the law, when they just seem like pieces of paper. But they most definitely are entities -- and they are evolving. From rebellious teenagers (don't tell me what I can do say the executives who bend and break the rules on wallstreet) to ones with awareness of the world they create (and trying to improve the world as they understand it).

Goin' for Broken with 24 hours of LeMons

The Car - Goin' for Broken - 24 hours of LeMons
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

This weekend I'm participating in my first official race on an official racetrack. And this is our little car.

We are participating in 24hoursoflemons.com in Reno. The boyf and the pit crew has been working extra hard the past few weekend to put in the rollcage (which they built from scractch!!!) and make it race worthy.

I've been seriously impressed by all the work. And I'm extra inspired to do more racing.

Forecasts for the Future

Since I've decided to become a futurist - I thought I would start making forecasts. Since I have no formal training in future forecasting (yet) my methods are nebulous at best. What is my criteria for these forecasts? The best way I could explain is my gut and heart.

I have always found myself in the early flow of trends. I also create my own future. Much of what I put effort to making happen - happens. Below are my first predictions based on my wide base of knowledge grazing, following trends and experiencing life. These are the things that have my attention.  My guess is that some of these will hit the nail on the head in 2-5 years, while others will be way off the mark (my own personal obsession of the moment.) I can probably tell you which ones are the personal obsessions.

1. The Invisible Internet: Only the User Interface. Internet Technology itself is becoming less important. It is now about the dividing line - the user interface - human computer interaction. Sure, technology will continue to dramatically increase in power and speed. But the adoption curve on Internet Technology has dramatically increased with the web 2.0 - which I see as simply user interface improvements. This is going to accelerate even more as computers and internet technology go under the covers like motors and electrical engineering. It will continue to be difficult to get tech people to go into the computer and engineering field.

2. Mass media. Is going away and is not going away. The mainstream has gotten bigger and yet specialized at the same time. The only way to make it to the mainstream is to go as/from a smaller culture/group. I think there are going to be some dramatic changes with media - but I haven't yet put my finger on the point. I think ownership is going to be dramatically re-thought. As well as consumers. But more of that in my next point.

3. Reader Response aka The Mashup/Remix Culture. I have been fascinated with what I call reader-response for over 15 years. I first learned of this in one of my college english classes. The teacher and I argued that it didn't matter what the author meant - that once he published his work - the reader's response to it was just as valid as the author's intention. This is the heart and core of the remix culture that has exploded mostly with music and video mashups. But this is really something that has happened throughout all of humanity. We build upon the work of the past. It's only now, that digitally you're able to more easily track and thus get all agro when you think someone is stealing your idea/material. None of this material belongs to any of us. We are all mere vessels. One day, the concept of copyright will be as antiquated as the earth being the center of the universe. (I certainly don't expect to see this happen in my lifetime or 10 times my lifetime.)

4. Urban Homesteading/Gardening. This could be my personal current obsession - but the next step in the "green" revolution is personal responsibility in regards to food sources/creation. Farming is about to be reinvented. In Berkeley and around Hollywood - there are community gardens, but these are so bureaucratic (year+ waits to get a plot) that they are not solutions. Taking back the concrete jungle and growing food and green things. Container and vertical gardening where the soil has been covered up with pavement and concrete. Although just concepts at the moment, I love the direction of farming skyscrapers prototypes. I hope these types of dreams actually happen. Instead of 750k condos in the heart of Hollywood - what about a farm in the sky?

5. Bio/Nano. I am admittedly somewhat uneducated about the current bio/nano tech specific. This will be quickly remedied with study. However I do think this is one of the next frontiers. Understanding and using nano technologies to deliver drugs and clean up toxic situations will be no less than amazing. And no, I'm not a bit worried about Grey Goo.

6. Internet Backlash. It's already started and recently fabulously shown by Josh Harris's exile to his Apple Farm and then Ethiopia in his movie "We Live in Public". People will increasingly go offline. Check out completely. And there will be internet detox. I'm interested to understand if there has been previous times where new technology has been so quickly adopted, used and changes. The internet is like water.

Some things I'd like to see developed

1. Personal Responsibility. Too many people don't know how to take care of themselves. People need to own up and take responsibility for their decisions and life. This country is in a mess because people didn't take responsibility and do the right thing. I'd like to see a focus on this value and self-reliance.

2. Interior Tourism. Travel to exotic locations is no longer exotic. Go off the beaten path and you'll run into another "adventurer" just like you. I hate to break it to you - but you know what - Iowa is as exotic as the Serengeti. Depends on your perspective. I am constantly amazed by how diverse and beautiful my home state of California is. I don't care if I ever leave it again. The US is an amazing beautiful country. You don't have to go half-way around the world to see some of the most beautiful places. It's right here at home. America the Beautiful.

3. Beyond Level 3.  There are a lot of people out there to change the world - but I honestly don't believe you can change the world for the better, until you have mastery of yourself. (You're just trying to change the world for what you think might be better.) Before you have mastery of yourself, you have to know who you are.

Everyone has One

Columbia Gorge - May 2009
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

Columbia Gorge - May 2009

Columbia Gorge - May 2009
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

Lilacs that I love!

Columbia Gorge - May 2009

Columbia Gorge - May 2009
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

A late lunch of lamb stew and a dry glass of red wine in the shadow of a waterfall with my Mom.

Ping Pong

Consuming huge quantities of Stereolab of late. This one stands out.

Ping Pong
it's alright 'cos the historical pattern has shown
how the economical cycle tends to revolve
in a round of decades three stages stand out in a loop
a slump and war then peel back to square one and back for more

bigger slump and bigger wars and a smaller recovery
huger slump and greater wars and a shallower recovery

you see the recovery always comes 'round again
there's nothing to worry for things will look after themselves
it's alright recovery always comes 'round again
there's nothing to worry if things can only get better

there's only millions that lose their jobs and homes and sometimes accents
there's only millions that die in their bloody wars, it's alright

it's only their lives and the lives of their next of kin that they are losing
it's only their lives and the lives of their next of kin that they are losing

it's alright 'cos the historical pattern has shown
how the economical cycle tends to revolve
in a round of decades three stages stand out in a loop
a slump and war then peel back to square one and back for more

bigger slump and bigger wars and a smaller recovery
huger slump and greater wars and a shallower recovery

don't worry be happy things will get better naturally
don't worry shut up sit down go with it and be happy

dum, dum, dum, de dum dum, de duh de duh de dum dum dum... ah ah
dum, dum, dum, de dum dum, de duh de duh de dum dum dum... ah ah

Science is wak!

When I learned about the Solar System decades ago in an Iowa classroom, I didn't focus on learning the names and order of the planets - rather the most interesting thing to my child mind was the misunderstanding of the original belief. That everything rotated around the earth. The earth was the center of the universe. There was all kind of mathematics and constants to prove this to be true. What a shock it was to think otherwise!

I was reminded by this last night when the boyf and I were talking about energy and electricity (voltage and potential energy). He reminded me that energy and matter equal each other. I was flabbergasted! How the fuck?! Then I remembered the constant for the speed of light. E=MC2. Why bother with the constant?! Energy doesn't really equal matter without the constant. The constant goes in there like lube to make the math/concept/belief work.

Maybe I don't get this because I'm not a mathematician. I'm always in awe when I come across strange mathematical numbers/constants that are used to balance out equations. First, how are these found? And second, how do we know they're right (correct/true?). I don't know the math behind proving the earth is the center of the universe - but at that time - they thought it was correct.

I realized/decided right then and there - single digit Heather - that there were probably many things we believed as true about our world - that would later be proved to be incorrect; and I dedicated myself to finding those things.

I stopped believing everything. Authority lost meaning. I started looking at everything from multiple viewpoints. I worked to understand my own biases, if I couldn't actually rid myself of them. I watched to understand other people's biases - and where and how they originated.

As I read these books on electricity and energy and transistors and physics - the concepts really blow my mind. Science is not the least bit solid. There are so many questions. The answers are out there with crazy conspiricy theories (oh, I know that comment is going to piss off some people). But from an external perspective - from someone not indoctrinated into the academic scientific community - science is completely wak! And this is a very pleasant surprise to me.

A New Direction

Earlier this year I decided to follow-up on one of my long-term dreams: to go back to school.

When I went to college over a decade ago, my original plan was to go straight through and get my Ph.d and go on to write, teach and research. The only problem was - I had no idea what I wanted to focus on. That is why I focused my academic time on learning to communicate. I had many thoughts and idea and understandings of the world that I found difficult to communicate. With words, with pictures.

How does one communicate unclear baby ideas? With poetry.

So I thought I wanted to be a poet. I learned to communicate with metaphors and similes and like/as comparisons. Mathematical propositions. 

At the center of my inquire was understanding and perspectives. I realized early on that people have a wide variety of many different perspectives. And all perspectives were valid - although some were more universally accepted than others. Some were thought of as right or wrong. And I too thought some things were right and wrong. But there is a difference between right and correct.

I wanted to understand these perspectives. Where did they come from? How did they occur? Why was something correct or right? Why did people who spoke certain language think and act very different from people who speak another language?

The words we speak (or are taught) partially make up our worldview - our perspective. I wanted to immerse myself in as many different perspectives as possible; to learn about other perspectives and my own, but also to remind myself that perspective itself is a perspective. To learn the language of languages. Of cognitive mindsetculture based on the communication methods.

This is where I started from. I call them my "armchair curiosities". I'm obsessed with possibilities and the probability of those possibilities. And how people - us humans - interact with technology: creating it, interfacing with it, change it, is changed by it, evolves by/with/because of it. And the future.

I've been pondering going back to school for about a year. But what discipline would I study? (That is the problem with traditional universities - locking you into a field.) I kept coming back to cognitive neuroscience. I'm fascinated with out brains and perception. How we create our world based on accurate (and false) sensory data. But I wasn't satisfied with just that idea. It leaves out my passion for technology.

Then I heard about Singularity University. So I applied. And out of over 1200 applications, I got on the waitlist. For one of 40 spots.

I'm terrified to hear I won't get in (this year). Because I've realized how important this direction is to me. But it's validation enough to be on the waitlist (for now).

This is the direction I most dream and am terrified to go. Straight into the future. To understanding and creating the future. To helping us - people - understand and evolve ourselves - using the best that technology can offer.

A Dog's Precious!

I found this Ad for a pet suit today. I love it!

On Enlightenment

“Enlightenment is not something you seek, it’s something you must simply remember.” - Erin Pavlina

Over and over and over. :)

My Relationship with The Pyramid

I was reminded by a conversation I had with a big Fortune 500 CEO several years ago. He was very successful and I was helping him on his new venture. He quipped something about making it to the top of the pyramid. And this took me aback for a moment.

I am repulsed by people focusing on climbing to the top. Level 3 all the way. At one point in my career, I thought I had to play this game and succumbed to play a hand. It made me sick, but gave me a lot of fodder for self-observation. I should actually thank the level 3 organization, because it added a lot on my journey through enlightenment.

What interests me much more and seems a more worthy "goal" is to raise the pyramid from the bottom. Raise the floor. The frusteration in this, is all the people walking ontop of you still trying to get to the top of the pyramid (not supporting the mutual advancement).

What if there is no pyramid? The bottom is the same as the top. It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do it. And the key reason for doing anything is your love, passion for it. And now I have gotten entangled in one of my philosophies, Mr Shakespeare!

Baking Stats for the week of April 27, 2009 (so far)

2: Number of Pies Made
1: Number of Pies with Coconut
2: Number of Pies with Mango
1: Number of Pies made with Fresh Mango
2: Number of batches of Rice Crispie Treats (with dark chocolate) made
2: Bags of Marshmellows used
1: Jar of Marshmellow fluff used
5: Number of dishwasher runs this week (so far)
4: Number of individual serving pudding cups made
3: Number of pie slices eaten (so far)
1: Number of times dinner has consisted only of pie (so far)
3: Number of people consumed pie with
0: Number of slices of pie the dog has eaten
2: Number of snakes
0.5: Number of recipes used
5: Times Joy of Cooking reviewed
30: degrees of heat the oven is off
3: Number of Rice Chrispie Treats I have eaten today
45: Number of Rice Chrispie Treats sent to work with the boyf

The Challenge of Freedom

Most of the struggle around freedom is to attain it. This struggle is the easiest part. The hard part is what you do with/in your freedom. Imagine being able to do anything. What would you do? Most people are not prepared to handle this question. Even those who were told about the connendrum before. It is a strange position indeed. And one I am returning too. The question I ask myself is what is worthy of my energy. What direction do I want to take. I'm looking at some new radical directions. The fear creeps in. I'm new to those potential industries - I don't have the years of professional/academic experience/pedigree. The motivation drops. Failure before I have even begun. But what else would I do, since I can do anything. That's the challenge of true freedom.

Crossing the Bar

CIMG1484
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

Yesterday, my family had a very small funeral for my grandfather. His last wishes were to be scattered in the Ocean. He lived in Dana Point for as long as I can remember and always raced a sailboat. He was an engineer at Ford and had a huge temper.

I am created by the clay of the past. The DNA and characteristics were passed onto me by nature and nurture. Out of this raw material I created myself. Clarified myself. It's always good to know where the materials came from, as you shape them in you.

I wasn't close to my grandfather, but in his death, I feel much closer. I don't regret that we didn't spend time together while he was alive - that is not the point. The point is moving forward, onward, and paying due respect and gratitude to that which contributed to create me.

It was a grey overcast morning, but the sea was calm. I wore white. My mom and I had brought many vibrant flowers. We embarked from the harbor. The boat was lovely and we were mostly in high spirits. A few words. The flowers thrown. A last drink before the basket was passed and ashes blossomed.

Crossing the Bar by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Sunset and evening star,
         And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
         When I put out to sea,

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
         Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
         Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell,
         And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
         When I embark;

For through from out our bourne of Time and Place
         The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
         When I have crossed the bar.

The music swelled, the flowers laid out behind us. A few tears shed, good stories. We cracked the champagne and passed it around and toasted the sea and the sky. It was one of those movie moments. An utterly perfect California funeral. Epic. That's what I will remember when I think of Norm.

Bon Voyage Grandfather.

death - a family celebration

there hasnt been a signifigant amount of death in my family - but the death there has been - has been a celebration of their life. when my grandmother died several years ago she requested we throw a party with champagne and tiramisu. that there should be no mourning or sadness. a celebration of her life - which was a very full one. so why am i not surprised that we are doing it again - this time with my grandfather. gpa norm was a sailboat racer, so it is fitting that tomorrow a small group of us are going out to sea on a chartered boat to set norm free in a place he loved so - the ocean. we have brought along flowers and i made sure to bring along a big quantity of vodka to help him on his journey. i very much believe in giving the newly departed what they love. i cant wait until tomorrow. its going to be a blast!

A Heavy Week

I'm juggling Jury Duty this week along with the job/what to do next search, the 3 year anniversary of the Geek Dinner and my Mom's upcoming visit to OC to scatter my grandfather's (her Dad's) ashes.

Last night I went to a sweat lodge. It was my first time. I had always wanted to experience a sweat lodge and I arrived last night with a bunch of heavy stuff. I went to pray for my grandfather, for my mother and for myself. Although I wasn't close to my grandfather, I just really feel the need to send him off good on his next journey. Although I won't get anything from his estate (nor do I want anything) I have asked him for something much more important to me - his metaphorical slide rule.

Before the lodge began, I spoke to Wolf, the leader, and told him about my mothers cancer. I wasn't going asking for a miracle - just her hope, faith and comfort. After he heard my story - he gave me permission and encouraged me to ask for the miracle. He explained that this world - and each and every one of us - was created by the creator - the great grandfather - with a prayer. This was exactly what we were going to do tonight. Anything was possible with prayer.

In the hot darkness, the rocks glowed. I heard the steam sizzling, I smelled cedar. I heard the prayers. So many with cancer. So much pain. So much gratitude. Was it my sweat or were those my tears? The cool air swirled around my body like an old friend. I felt the spirits circle around me and the pressure of their hands on my back - looking deep deep inside me. I surrendered to the heat. The drums, the songs took my energy, my prayers deep out of this world.

I remain here.

I would drive 1000 miles

Heather ...
Originally uploaded by k-dj

to get to Austin in one day. And I did. This is me telling the Fray Cafe the story. Next year, I hope to be showing the movie.

The Nobel Prize

Do you know how the Nobel prize started? It was the dream of a dead man.

"The whole of my remaining realizable estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind. The said interest shall be divided into five equal parts, which shall be apportioned as follows: one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery or invention within the field of physics; one part to the person who shall have made the most important chemical discovery or improvement; one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery within the domain of physiology or medicine; one part to the person who shall have produced in the field of literature the most outstanding work in an ideal direction; and one part to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses. The prizes for physics and chemistry shall be awarded by the Swedish Academy of Sciences; that for physiology or medical works by the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm; that for literature by the Academy in Stockholm, and that for champions of peace by a committee of five persons to be elected by the Norwegian Storting. It is my express wish that in awarding the prizes no consideration be given to the nationality of the candidates, but that the most worthy shall receive the prize, whether he be Scandinavian or not."
 - From here.

Remember to Live

This is a great video to watch again - and remember.

Goodbye Grandfather

Death has been hitting me with the left punches recently, so I wasn't entirely surprised to get the phone call from my mom earlier today telling me grandfather passed away. Not the grandfather I just visited in Iowa. Here's the "funny" part.

As I was driving out to my Aunt's house in Riverside Saturday morning I thought of Grandpa Norm (who lived out in Palm Springs). I was not close to him and had not been close for some time. In the car, while driving on the 60, I heard his voice. I saw him in the hospital room. I saw things about his life I had never seen before. I understood his pain. His life challenges and why he drowned himself in alcohol in his later years. Silent tears ran down my cheeks as I forgave him and told him he could go. That I held no more grudges and I wished him peace.

It was 10:26am and I noted the time, because I knew his passing would be soon if it had not already happened.

Updated: The American Dream is not Greed

Americans have gotten greedy.

We used to be a bunch of hard working, honest, big dreaming individuals. There were a few snake oil salesmen, a few manipulators, but the majority of people came to this country to escape preconceptions and make something for themselves. To work hard. To make a better life.

What happened? I've recently felt like the default American (at least here in LA) is going after a get rich quick scheme - and will fuck and screw and step on anyone who can help them or gets in their way. Used. Manipulated.

What can you sell? What can you do for me? How can we conspire to get people to buy into our hobbled together whatever so we can blow it up big and sell it to some huge company we can fleece for millions? Inflated value.

Look at this example. When I was in Iowa, my dad gave me a book to read. It was about Chief Blackhawk of the Sauk Indians. Blackhawk dictated his story to explain why he made war on the new settlers. The short story is the Americans stole his village from him so he fought to keep it.

American agents in St Louis said that some people from his tribe had signed a treaty giving their tribal lands east of the Mississippi in the area known as Illinois to the US, when there was no authority for this land to be sold. The Americans maintained this had been agreed and never allowed renegotiation with the Chief and leaders of the Sauk. There lots more backstabbing and badness and general miscommunication in the story. But the Native indians were trying to live. They weren't doing anything wrong. The local agent (who was supposedly friendly with the indians) bought all the land in the village and sold it off to new settlers, who encountered resistance when the local indians were told to leave their land.

The thing I took away in this account was how manipulative the Americans were. They really stole the land from the Native people. Americans were not the first white people to interact with native people. The French and British both traded and had good relations. I understood why the British asked the native indians to help them defeat the colonists. I think what would have been different if Napoleon had not sold the Louisiana Purchase. (Sold because N needed some cold hard cash because of his unsuccessful Russian campaign.)

So, where does Greed come from? And how did we get so greedy?

A few greedy assholes ruin it for everyone. Mostly because others see what greedy people are doing and want a piece of it. That's why/how the SoCal Real Estate bubble got so big. That's how come many stupid internet ideas get millions of dollars. Hell, that's the whole reason VCs exist - it's not to fund, support and launch the most cutting edge innovative what will make humans happy and improve our world. It's greed that keeps mashups illegal. It's greed that Brazil fought when it broke laws to produce overpriced patented HIV medicine. 

What does it take for people to do the right thing? (self-awareness and personal evolution) And if I'm surrounded by people who are not doing the right thing, how long will I hold out? (or get de-motivate, depressed and go into hermit hiding.) how long until it all goes to shit? (or we move the cards around on the table.) And what a long hard path to humility and setting things right.

Do we have the balls to even do that anymore - or have we found ourselves in a cage - pets in the American hegemony?

Update: I just watched Dan Ariely's TED talk and he does a great job explaining exactly why my complaint occurs.

Preparing for Death

I traveled to Iowa to visit my grandparents who are in their late 80s and starting to have a few problems. I wanted to spend time with them as you never know what might happen or when they might go. I wanted to see them while I still could. But the universe gave me a punch out of left field.

In a cafe in Austin, my mom told me she had been diagnosed with a rare very deadly form of cancer: primary peritoneal cancer. Everyone who has been diagnosed with it has died from it. Average lifespan after diagnosis is 2 years - maybe 5, 10 at the max.

The heaviness of this has been sinking in the past couple days. All this mental preparation to say goodbye to my grandparents, to see them, tell them things, hear things from them, spend time with them, my possible last goodbye - I am re-adjusting to my mom. The good thing, is that I feel very good about my relationship with her. There is nothing unsaid, nothing I am concerned about. But damn, I thought there would be more time.

I have seen death, so I'm not afraid - for myself or her or anyone.

But thinking about the end, is making me think about certain things differently. I often consider my own death, and what I want to be doing when it visits its final kiss. If I died today, sure there are a lot of things I will miss out on doing, being and accomplishing - but I've had a good life, I've done everything I've wanted to up to now. But moving beyond today - priorities shift.

The Open Road

The Open Road
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

En route to Goblin Valley, Utah. Sky, Mesas, Blacktop. See you on the other side of the vanishing point.