heathervescent

roll away the dew

I woke up this morning with the lyrics from Franklin's Tower in my head.

I rolled away the dew and got out of bed. I scrounged around in the kitchen and to my grand luck there was coffee! I love coffee. It was the first time in months that I used a coffee maker and it worked out fine. No cream though... I relaxed, perused some books. I already mentioned the Native American one in my previous post, and I found an Italian one on the Mayans. I drank my coffee looking at pictures from both books - twisting my portuguese trained brain around the italian words and then I gave in to my imagination from the pictures. I sat on the couch and talked on the phone to my best friend. Then I went to the beach.

It was overcast, cool, no bright sunny southern california weather for this day. But that was just fine. I checked my po box. Mail for the previous occupants. I walked on the beach, sat and watched the waves. Looked at the dead little swimmers on the shore and watched out for bits of tar. I stopped and had breakfast at a beachside cafe in Venice. I liked the dark eyes and calm demeanor of my waiter. I watched the sky and the people walking by. It was very quiet - it was Monday morning.

Heading back to my car I walked through a movie set. It was cool to see the lights, the shiny cafe table, ketchup and mustard props. It reminded me of how much I like props and setting the scene. Life is but a series of scenes, hmm.

Then I drove around and around. Certain names jump out at me - these will be my main travel ways. Neilson Way (funny and special to me because of my house on Neilson Street in Berkeley), Lincoln, Main, Rose, Penmar, Abbott Kinney, Pico, Ocean, Ocean Park, 6th, Ashland. For some reason I keep thinking about a certain needle pusher up north when I see ashland... I wonder - did he tell me about something about that street or is there some other connection. Now, dear reader, don't take needle pusher the wrong way - I paid him well and he is well trained in the Asian Art of Acupuncture.

I wandered down the street to look for a funky salon for a new do. I've been waiting to arrive before changing again. I found this fun place called, Sit Still. Which, if you know me, is not something I can do very well. They were able to get me in today, so I had my ultra blonde, chocolate brown, flippy ragged cut done. It's what I would call Heather's Aeon Flux cut. Cause I just can't cut it all black.

To grocery store, which was a crazy madhouse at 11am on Monday. I'll go on a saturday afternoon for fun sometime. Then to home, home again. Sit in the hammock, eat, ponder, dream, listen to music and write.

I feel like I've done it all. Now I can die.

Well not really. But I did get a lot done today.

the new adventure begins

so now I'm here. I specifically left this part of my plan open - planning for the unplanned to happen. and here it has begun. it's begun with my purpose.

so, what is my purpose? It's time for a new one.
It's also an opportunity to to review and project:
- What did it used to be that I thought I was here for? (What were my goals?)
- What will it be that the future heather will think she is here for? (What will the Heather to be goals be?)

It just occured to me that my current purpose is to clean out my own programming. My social, personality, society, chemical algorithms.

We don't even realize how programmed we are. I was looking through a book from the bookshelf this morning. It was about Native Americans from 1956. There were diaramas of "traditional" indian life. Mock ups from various museums. My favorite one was the indian nuclear family. The model of family life. It shows a woman tending a bowl in the fire, the man sitting on the bed carving and a baby hanging in a cradleboard. I really question this as a scene from indian life. What this photograph shows is the 1950 family model applied to another culture.

Did you catch that? That 1950's cultural programming of the nuclear family just hiding there in the museum display and the books you read as a child?

That's what I'm talking about. Noticing that programming. Being aware that it is there. Not that you can really do anything to change your programming - but you can be aware of it. And in that moment of awareness you have a choice - a choice to follow the programming or do something different. And really, like Gandhi said, it doesn't really matter what you do, but it is VERY important that you do it.

a photo album

Carson took some photos of me on my last night in SF. We watched the sun set at Ocean Beach. Drank some ciders in the car. Watched the teenagers carry armloads of wood and potato chips for beach burns. Then we went home via Twin Peaks.

I really wanted to say goodbye to the city up there. It used to be that every morning I would check my email and raise my gaze to see Sutro Tower. That didn't happen today. ;) So I had to say goodbye to Sutro and Twin Peaks, since I would not be saying hello anymore.

The light was wonderful. We watched the twinkling of teslaescence down market street, illuminating the Castro Theater (so many good memories) treasure island, the bay bridge and across the bay to Berkeley and the east bay hills.

It was really a perfect evening. Thank you San Francisco Bay. I won't miss you, but I'll remember your dream.

arrived

the great time about time is, that it just keeps on going and you don't have to do anything about it.

"ut oh, I lost track of time for a minute. at least I think it was only a minute that I lost track of." ;)

It's very different here. I can already feel it. I'm not exactly sure what it is. The energy is different? I felt it as I came down from Castaic into the San Fernando Valley. I don't care about putting my finger on it, but it is very specifically different. Different from the Bay Area, different from previous visits.

here I am. I'm in my place in Venice Beach. I've dreamed about living here. I've thought, planned, researched, traveled, packed, got in my car and drove. and now I'm here. So now comes the interesting part...

now life gets creative. (not like it wasn't in the first place).

now, life is a new adventure.

goodbye

I haven't been posting much the past few days - I've been busy with lots of last minute packings and gotten tired over and over. I leave today. I leave in a few hours. I have a car to pack and a final goodbye.

When Clint and I arrived in the bay area, the first place we stopped was at a coffee shop in Potrero Hill. I've planned this event for years and never known the date. I'll stop by Farley's, write an entry in my journal, see one last person and then I'll get on 280 and drive south. I'll have the north wind at my back. I'll fly south on the her strong, precise flow.

The sky is clear. I look out this window that has been my morning companion for months. I see the things I have always seen - sutro tower, the church, the water tower, the birds swooping, the tops of the plum trees, the wind swept evergreen. There's not a cloud in the sky. A contrast to the typical foggy san francisco summer weather of the past two days.

all this crap

I stand surveying my storage unit. It's packed with a bunch of boxes. Today it will get another load with furniture. Wow - all that stuff is mine. All this is baggage. My personal history. It's kind of cool that it's there - my personalities boxed up in brown boxes. But at the same time, it's so much crap, how important are these things? Could I just leave them behind? By doing so, would I lose/forget some part of myself?

post 100

"I have already given over to the power that rules my fate..."

"I fear nothing, so I will remember myself."

- Silvio Manuel

Look ma, I'm a Mage

Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust

Really though, I'm a Sorcerette, warrior, enchantress, petulant child and 14 year old boy all rolled into one. What FUN!

the ability to dream

In Jonathan Carroll's Land of Laughs, two writers bring characters to life. This is a book about dreaming. It's a story about making a dream reality, a character real. And in reality, that's what we're actually doing. You, yes, you there reading this post, you are a character that is real. Who made you? Did you make yourself? Or was it your parents, teachers, peers, township, culture? Who/What made you who you are? Can you change who you are? (It take a lot of energy.) Do you believe that you have complete and utter control over who you are? Do you know you can change? You can be whatever you want to be. All you have to do is dream. Dream in complete. Dream with spaces for the unknown. Dream "reality."

Because this world is a dream. We perceive it. We perceive it differently. I see the fog outside my window - hiding sutro tower and the mixed feelings travel my nervous system superhighway.

Damn, it's a foggy day again.
Oh cool, the fog is so thick and beautiful.
I can't wait until I'm typing my blog out on the beach in Santa Monica.
I love being wrapped in the cool fog.
I wonder if the sun will come out and I'll still go on a picnic today?

These impressions, these feelings, these emotions, these perceptions. Which Heather do they come from? The norcal snob, the transitioner, the excited changatrix, the enchantress, pragmator, the contrarian.

Layers of the onion. So when you peel the onion, you don't actually throw away the pieces. They are cut, peeled away, added to the pot, fried up with the steak, slivered into the salad.

Back to the dream. You can change who you are. You are changing right now. Do you feel alive? Aware? I'm speaking directly to you, reading this. Can't you hear my voice? These words are not printed matter.

I find it's often helpful to know what you want to change towards and have a picture, vision, algorythm in mind. Otherwise, you may wake up a Bull Terrier. Which I suppose would not be so bad. I wouldn't be so excited to wake up a kafkeque cockroach, but I suppose there are worse things. I could wake up a corporate slave or confused teenager or stuck in a normal boring life.

Para viajar, basta existir. To travel, is to exist.

I love Mark Morford.

If you haven't signed up for Mark's fix, you should do so now! He is so right on. Keep it up Markalicious.

Current Fix

a kinky reminder

I love the kinks. especially their album, The Village Green Preservation Society. The song walter just played with these words,

"People can change, but memories of people remain the same."

It's an interesting reminder as I pack and find photos and notes and etc. How precious are these things? These memories I have. The memories people have of me.

I want to erase every moment, every memory someone has of me. Is this an impossible task? I do not care to be memorable. I am memorable. But I do not want to be remembered. And someday, even all the memories of me will be dust. Will be assimilated back into the void. The dark sea of awareness.

I remember in 6th or 7th grade History class. We learned about Latin America and Simon Bolivar. I remember the quote from him on his deathbed, "I have plowed the sea." I hated that quote as a child and adolescent and young adult. It's a quote that has settled in my mind along with, "Everything happens for a reason, sometimes that reason is yet unknown to man and the universe" and "That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".

However, over the past few years, I have become very affectionate about the Bolivar quote. I plan to achieve and do and be much in my life. And I have in the short time I have so far lived. At the same time, I want to leave no trace. I want to release, erase, every memory I have ever had, and anyone has ever had of me.

When I leave this world, I want to have plowed the sea and leave not even a wake.

24 hours ago

I was walking on the beach in santa monica towards venice. It was actually about 28 hours ago now.

I was jumping up and down on the sand. I was successful. I did what I came for. I know where I'll be the next 4 months. I have a new mailing address. You could say I'm a Santa Monica resident now. I return to SF only for my belongings. A few more loose ends and then to the south.

I cannot express how excited I am.
Everything is falling into place.
Following the path of least resistance.
Even the ties strengthening in the bay area.
Others have been cut, some released, some bonded more.
There is a reason for all these.

I'm interested to see where they all go. I'm detached, yet in the thick of experiencing. I put my ego aside, yet I feel these emotions so strongly. I am again a tool. I will be a perfect tool.

"I'll give you what you want
mind
body
soul
...
...
...
except one thing,
I have to escape."

That's the only kind of commitment I can give.

"I took. I went and took.
What did I leave in return?
My change."

I'm a catalyst. A tool of the universe. And in being used, I too am sharpened and honed.

bjork emotions

it's oh so quiet, possibly maybe, hyperballad

i came across a tape my brother gave me a few years ago (5 or so). the last track included bjork's "it's oh so quiet". I had forgotten about this fabulous song. It trades between very quiet life is oh so quiet and sane and ok and bursts, blasts, clangs, rangs, bells and parades of falling in love belting out of lyrics.

i picked up a couple bjorks at amoeba last week, including telegram, a most excellent remix album. They version of hyper ballad on this album is amazing.

"It's real early morning, no one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
still throwing things out
I listen to the sounds they make on their way down
I follow with my eyes till they crash
I image what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks
and when it lands will my eyes be open or clos-ed"

I have often had the feeling of wanting to impale my body on land masses. I've seen beautiful mountain sunsets that urge me to feed with my blood. When I visited Foz do Iguacu in Brazil/Argentina, it was only a survival code in my brain that stopped me from jumping to my death in the falls. I watched the sun set over corn fields and a riverway from the top of a bluff and pull myself back from the edge, so as to not fly as the black birds already airborne.

It's a strong feeling. It's the overwhelming power of natural beauty. I experience it and desire to experience nothing more. It's my passionate response to large land masses.

love and technology

This morning Mark Morford (who I love love love) wrote this delightfully delicious column on love and technology. Check it out. It had me laughing in delight (and laughing at meself of a few days back... )

The Morning Fix

um dia perfeito

*sigh*

I'm leaving san francisco. it seems these things always happen when you're about to take some big action or change.

I spent the day with one of my best friends. we hung out in various parts of the city. driving through the mission. a back patio in hayes valley. Open faced sandwiches and a trickling fountain. A few hours in Japantown. A stationary shop where I bought a notebook with these words "Be chic about a notebook. Tasty character is our basic criterion." I could say that about my friends. They must be tasty. A conversation sitting on stumps and bark. Tea.

This is a fine pace.

Thinking about how relationships change - because they are forced to change. And as I look in retrospect at relationships that have changed - it has been for the better. It all works out the way it is supposed to.

Buying too many CDs at Amoeba. The Bjork that plays over and over in my mind. Some gems in finding CCR and Chico Science.

Driving to the edge of the western world and then skirting the edge of it with John Fogarty crooling through Proud Mary and Heard it through the Grapevine.

The whole bay as our listening room as I am flashed back to Brazil with Mad Professor and David Byrne remixes of Chico Science e Nacao Zumbi from Twin Peaks.

The meloncoly drive back, signaling the end of a perfect day.

Um dia perfeito. Vamos fazer um filme.

He says, as I go to LA, that I'll be famous next. I'm looking out at the bay. At the helicopters hovering over the bay bridge. At the clouds swimming by above us. At the east bay, where all my dreams came true. But I look at him with a twinkle in my eye and tell him, that then my dreams changed. And that's why I am moving to LA.

I have no choice to but to go. But it's not easy.

Especially after a day like today.

But then again. If I wasn't leaving, a day like today might not have ever happened. And who knows what the future brings. A two seater convertible, a drive in the LA hills. The museum of jurassic tech, my mansion in malibu. (Well, if I am going to be famous, at least now my ego is in check.) I promise to send southwest tickets and meet up in other countries. Who knows what will happen.

I have my dreams. My flight over the ocean. My flight into infinity.

ladies of the road

the morning brings Robert Fripp and King Crimson. I found, "A Young Person's Guide to KC" on tape in Amoeba a few years ago. It has a lot of great songs; Cadence and Cascade, I talk to the Wind, Red, Moonchild, and The Court of the Crimson King among others. I especially like "Ladies of the Road". This is one of the most erotic songs I think I've ever heard. I'll quote some of the lines that appeal to me. It's an interesting conflict between the teenage boy and adult woman. Yes, I do love Derek and Clive as much as Sade. I guess I'm a dirty girl.

A flower ladies daughter
as sweet as holy water
said I'm a school reporter
please teach me, I taught her

said I'm a male resister
I smiled and just unzipped her

(sexyphone interlude!!!!)

all you know, that the girls of the row
are like apples we stole in our youth
all you know, that the girls of the row
been around and are versed in the truth

slow frisco spacer
ate all the meat I gave her...
said would I like to taste her

the music is honey in my ears. rock on.

a packing interval

I've been busy packing this week. Packing is great way to remember who you were. I'm finding a lot of memory scraps, cards, travel tickets, promises made and faded away. I also get to listen to music for hours at a time. Right now, I'm listening to Tribalistas. I've written about them before on the blog, and I have to write more about them. I got this album last year when I was agonizing about a lot of decisions and options. It was a reminder from the world, a pointer to follow "the material" and say Yes. ;) One song in particular hits a strong blow. I'll type it below for you to experience it as well. Imagine the Sly and Family Stone song, It's a Family Affair going and these words. (I'm leaving out the portuguese accents, so I'm a lazy one.)

Ja Sei Namorar
-
Ja sei namorar
Ja sei beijar de lingua
Agora, so me resta sonhar

Ja sei onde ir
Ja sei onde ficar
Agora, so me falta sair

Nao tenho paciencia pra televisao
Eu nao sou audiencia para a solidao

Eu sou de ninguem
Eu sou de todo mundo
E todo mundo me quer bem

Eu sou de ninguem
Eu sou de todo mundo
E todo mundo e meu tambem

Ja sei sei namorar
Ja sei chutar a bloa
Agora, so me falta ganhar

Nao tenho juiz
Se voce quer a vida em jogo
Eu quero e ser feliz

....

To te querendo como ninguem
To te querendo como Deus quiser
To te querendo como eu te quero
To te querendo como se quer

And I suppose you want to read the english hmmm??? maybe next time around. Back to the pack.

say YES

My friend Rosie, who has a birthday today, sent me this. (She got it from a friend of hers.) It's a really great reminder to LIVE.

" No risk, no adventure. Or, as Carl Jung would say: “...follow the
material” : )

I will give you my best advice, for friends, cats, clients, and anyone
listening:

-say YES to as many things as you can in life, that’s where living starts
-you will be wrong a lot
-you will be fully alive
-there are no guarantees, and...
-you never know enough

Remember, we are human beings, not human doings."

of roots and wings

there is so much airy fairy new age music out there that has as much grounding as the west wind. I really like ambient music. and ambient music sometimes leads me into the whole scary new age music genre. Like the new age movement or religions that consider themselves new age - they are a genre, a gimmick, a brand, a market that satisfies a group of people. That's one reason I have such a problem with "new age" - that and all the crazies who identify themselves to the general society as new agers, thus giving a scewed image. (Kind of like the image our government has created of Americans.)

Anyway, I digress. I dislike the words new age. I dislike boundaries, definitions and cages. I do really like music that takes you places. "Sound can act as a weapon" Old Bill said/wrote once in The Western Lands.

Most folks think that Brian Eno is the father of ambient music... I would go back further... Pink Floyd's early stuff (including Interstellar Overdrive) and Mike Oldenfield's Tubular Bells certainly are ambient masterpieces. Soundscapes. You could say some of the classical composers were ambient forefathers as well... stravinsky's the rite of spring. And there are many works from India, that are soundscapes....

Enter Shelia Chandra. I was introduced to SC about 10 years ago when I ran my own world music radio show at the college radio station. Ryko had just re-released a bunch of her stuff from vinyl on CDs, so I got a slew of her stuff.... one album stood out among the rest: QUIET.

It's a layered soundscape of your mind - including the internal dialog - which you can align with your own to cancel that chatter in your mind. It's one of the most amazing CDs I own and have heard. In QUIET, Shelia is successful in connecting heaven to earth. Of flying to heights and perfectly alighting on a perch.

a fun sentance I just wrote

"To bed now with Bruce and the smell of leather."

I'm sure you have no idea what I mean by that one hmmm??? I'll give you one hint, Bruce is not my boyfriend, he's dead.

Oh my, now that really sounds something nasty..... ;)

Second hint: check out my reading list below...

Today has been so light. I feel so free. Awe. Shoulders back, chest open ......

decad

1. Don't lie to yourself
2. No matter what, never change for someone else
3. Learn as much as you can
4. Don't force your ideas or ideals on others
5. Hate no one
6. Love all you can
7. Wake up happy
8. Never quit
9. Always Question
10. Have a way out
11. ... ... ...

-----------

I occasionally come across this piece of paper. It's my rules to live by. I wrote it when I was 15 and have kept it around. I came across it again yesterday as I was packing. It never ceases to amaze me how exactly this is how I live my life.

pack it up, say good bye

pack your bags, clear the floor
step out through the open door
leave a note that says goodbye

build a new house, down by the sea
get to the place we were meant to be
you'll know it when you smile
- World Party

---

This past week, I walked through corporate hallways and buildings. I've taken many trips to company HQ on the east coast in the past several years. It never really occurred to me that one of them would be my last.

As I sit in meetings and meet with people and drive my rental car in the parking garage, I am distinctly aware that I'm saying goodbye. I say goodbye with personal info cards. I say goodbye by continuing to respect my colleagues beyond the negative reasons I'm leaving. I'm saying goodbye by pulling every pedaco of energy that I've attached to my perception of this company, to my colleagues, to my boss, to my products, ideas of myself as an important employee for a huge company, and even this computer that I am typing this message on. I've been a visitor in all these things lives.

There's the self-important part of me want to ramble on. But really, if I stop for a moment it doesn't matter. That idea I had - of myself, my importance it was a visitor too. That's the thing to remember.

We're all visitors and we say goodbye at every moment.

---
I wrote this last year, when I left AOL. It's here as a reminder to myself.

compressing time

I'm amped. Strange after being in a car for 9+ hours. I just got back from 2 1/2 days in the Mojave high desert. That short period of time stretched out to 6+ days of experiences.

Snippets
- grey rodents running across the night two lane road while Jim Morrison rattles his Indian bells and chants
- pockets of sitting places: a bridge, Be Aware; a single drop dripping over and over in perfect time; a rock balanced in the center of a trickling stream; roses in full bloom with desert quail and young scurrying; cacti in bloom with lavender a few feet away.
- goose bumpy flesh, mine, swimming under the stars, practicing with my colleagues on deep purple carpet
- enveloped by a lush green carpet. I have never experienced grass so lush - and in the desert! It was a soft bed. I slept, warm in the morning air.
- painted rocks, placing tender parts on hard rocks, climbing rocks for a vantage view, coyotes voices, the setting sun and infinity.
- connections, remembering dreams, squeaking noises at night, the wind drying the water from my skin
- leaving the habit behind, not the person inflicted or inciting the habit
- affection for those many many people I love. I don't even know if some of them know it.

everything happening according to THE PLAN. (What plan is this Heather, oh it's the unfolding bud plan.)

"This is a fine pace."

Yes, this is a fine pace. The wind welcomed me back to San Francisco with a full body blast that was a kick in the ass... "what are you doing back here??? get down there. you are not supposed to be HERE!" I petition for a few weeks. A few weeks is all to pack my belonging. To start the final paperwork.

This is a fine pace.

The time for vacillating is over. The time for making decisions is over. The time for action has begun. Starting today - Monday. But let's see... first I should get some sleep.

This is a fine pace.

I feel it very strongly. The next time I return to San Francisco, I will be a visitor. This was the last coming home to this city. And to this area.

Good night sweet lady. Good night.

and other musical items

I've really flashbacked on my musical tastes recently. The Police/Sting, GnR!, XTC (Dukes of the Stratosphere) and huge quantities of Pet Shop Boys.

I've been listening to the Pet Shop Boys discography most mornings when I update the blog. It's got all the best PSB songs. West End Girls, It's a Sin., What have I done to deserve this?, Rent, Always on my mind, Heart, Domino Dancing, Left to my own devices, So hard.

It's really great fucked up relationship music with a manic disco dance beat! I enjoy snuggling into the sugar pop of disco beats with a cup of coffee, a view of 'frisco and my thoughts. The Police also has many many great messed up relationship songs.

"I could leave you, say goodbye
or I could love you if I tried
and left to my own devices I probably would..."

I've been driving around SF and the peninsula rocking out the Guns N Roses. I remember the first time I saw Axel Rose on MTV. Last month I finally bought a couple CDs. Appetite for Destruction and Use Your Illusion 1. I can't but help thinking about LA as I listen to Welcome to the Jungle and Paradise City. Then I overdose on the power ballads on UYI1, Live and Let Die, Don't Cry and November Rain. Listening to GnR really satisfies my teenage boy - because one of the layers to Heather's onion is the teenage boy, stuck at 14 and getting into trouble. From Axel the jump to T Rex and Mick is easy like sunday morning.

Kalina's Blog

Kalina has some great things on her blog lately.... I especially love the advice from the Ouija board.

And it was a really wonderful reminder of the eagles take it easy song. Thanks K! I'll quote:

Well, I'm running down the road
tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she's a friend of mine

Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
and take it easy

-- The Eagles

Detachment / Controlled Folly

It's an overcast day here out my window. Low clouds over San Francisco. The tips of Sutro Tower (Pao de Asucar) dragging it's three prongs in the fog, like dragging your fingers in water.

Touch the world lightly.

The big tasks are progressing. The house should be more or less prepped to go on the market early next month. It's not hard to divide objects, contents of the house, friends. My anger seeps in when we talk about bank accounts, 401k, stock accounts, house profits. There are good days and bad days. There are papers to file. Attorney's to pay. The world of hustling, not honest contributions. Detachment is the key.

Not a lesson I am enjoying learning.

One day, many years ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table. It was a humid balmy midwestern day. I watched as a spider dropped down from the chandelier onto the table. It detached itself from the thread and walked down the table away from where it came. The spider had everything it needed to survive.

You have everything you need.

I've been thinking about speaking in gestures. The world understand gestures. Those times you go out on a limb. The times you take a risk. Because, really, what do you have to lose except some self-importance.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm heading south to the edge of the Mojave to this amazing ranch in the San Bernardino Mts north of LA. I really want to spend more time out there, but I have boxes to pack, a house to sell, etc. etc. I'll have lifted all roots from the Bay Area soon enough.

There are other things I could get all excited about. Want to make actions or have decisions made. But now is the time of waiting. As much as I like to do it myself, the world doesn't go on Heather's timeline. So I'll wait. I'll watch. I'll learn. I'll be detached while feeling the full range of emotions. That's controlled folly. Complete detachment while in thick of it.

a reminder

this was just what I needed to read. thank you oh wonderful universe for the reminder.

"little is worth doing in this reality if it does not involve learning"

this is so true. that is why I write this blog. it's true, it's about me. it's about my experiences and learnings. It's why I work, breathe, live. It's to learn. To learn about myself, my world, my culture, my thoughts. To learn about different points of view.

learning, learning, learning. and nothing stays the same.

And now for some tech talk ...

The real reason I was in Maui last week was to attend the first ever Cameraphone Summit hosted by my pal Moses Ma. Official site and info can be found here:

Cameraphone Summit Website
Cameraphone Summit Realtime Website
Heather's uploaded pictures from the cameraphone

I met a bunch of really interesting people and companies. I'll mention the ones that struck my fancy below.

Fotonotes - sounds interesting. Ability to add annotations to photos - because photos have stories. I'm going to check this company out more because the demo I saw was very cool.
Flickr - I'm not exactly sure what this site is all about. It's a flash application that runs to upload your photos and basically create a group online with a bunch of other functionality like IM.
GoPix - You can send electric greetings via email - why not send them to and from your phone. GoPix puts together greetings (your photo from the cameraphone) and voice recording, plus a border or theme and send it to an email or another phone. Cool!
Yafro Games - from the guys at Hot or Not, imagine mobile camera games.
Adobe - Adobe had an interesting xmp structure that is like an xml data structure attached to jpgs for various searching functions. Currently you can only use it with Adobe products, but image if Google picked this up for searching functionality. In the xmp data sidecar you can put various information and maybe even trademark, copyright and ownership information. It would make it easier to search and use photos posted to the web as long as the sidecar was kept with the image datafile.
Don Norman from the Norman Neilson Group (Jakob Neilson - the usability guru) spoke on cameraphones and had some really interesting things to say. Simplicity is naive. This caught me because you hear so much in software companies to keep is simple (KISS - Keep it simple, stupid!). We are complicated people - keeping it simple, keeps it from doing many functions. If you are building a product that does a lot of things build a cognitive map - a detailed user scenario / use case - to really focus on how people are going to use the product.
BlueLava - games on phones.
SnapNPost - I wanted to talk to these guys more because they had some interesting ideas. Another site that posts cameraphone photos to the web.
StoryManager - This sounds like a great little company. It's basically your business and marketing department distilled down to an application. LOTS of sole props can really benefit from what I saw. Talk to Steve Sue. VERY COOL!!!

Elliot Maxwell, Mark Resch and Greg from fotonotes and I had an interesting conversation about the impact of technology on kids today and social interactions. I don't have any answers, I have opinions and I'm going to continue to watch to see how we as human primate d/evolve. ;)

Of course I also had my multiple cents about multiple identities and how people use them and how technology and the do NOT facilitate managing the various technology personalities and levels of intimacy. FOAF is a baby step towards the technology levels of importance with other people's technology identities. Plaxo is also a baby step. We'll have to see what Google does with Gmail and Orkut and their upcoming IPO.

Maybe I'll have to start a company that deals with the identity issue. AIM took the first step by launching my Screen Name Linking feature, but it is a mere baby step and I bet AOL is not planning to do much more on that feature. Too bad that company owns the patent (with my name on it) instead of me personally owning it. Ah, the delights of working for a HUGE organization.

Product Development Alert!
I'd like to see a photo or blog company make it easy to make a physical product based from my content. Ofoto and Shutterfly do this with digital photos that are uploaded. You can even create a photo album that will be sent to you all bound and everything. You can add captions and make it a gift for someone. So why not do this with blog entries?

When in Maui ...

Be sure to check out these fun activities!!! (Be aware that my spelling of these names is very poor. Pick up the "Maui Revealed" guidebook for great fun.

No need for a 4WD unless you are planning some serious off-roading. You can go all the way around the island (all round Hana and west Maui) with no problem. Even the one lane roads and gravel are fine.

Petroglyphs just south of Lainha in Olwalu. These are a short walk from a parking area with native (and not so native) vegetation. The petroglyphs have seen better days, so be careful, there are lots of big rocks hiding in the grasses.

Aloha Mixed Plate in Lahina. Go to this place. It's a great outdoor eatery. Not that expensive and good traditional mixed Hawaiian food.

Stone Mushroom and the Olivine Pools. Be sure to drive around west Maui. You'll find these beautiful pools right where the pavement changes and the road narrows. There are a couple pools just west of the "official" olivine pools that were really empty. They get a bit more ocean movement - so be careful when the ocean is rough.

Last year when I visited Maui I got a fabulous scrape at the Olivine Pools. This year was no different! I was really tempting fate when I was splashing about in this pool and a 15 foot wave crashed in on these lava formations. I was attempting to hang onto the lava when one smashed into me and took me for a rock surf. Luckily I only got a little scrape on my hand, arm and butt. At one point in the surffest I looked down and saw only foam. I thought, hmmm, this is delightful. I popped out of the foamy surf laughing. I am no Birth of Venus - cool and reserved.

The Iao Needle. This was ok. There were kids playing in the streams here which was cool and it was nice to see a canyon, but all in all I was not blown away. I may have been a bit tired.

Pa'ia. I love this town. It's billed as a "hippy" town on Maui and I guess it is. It reminds me somewhat of Haight Street (SF) and Telegraph Ave (Berkeley). First thing I do when I get to Maui is go to Paia. It's only about 10 minutes from the airport. I buy my straw cowgirl hats there (there's a hat place on the right just as you come into town). I got my bikini at Maui Girl on the main drag (turn right at the light and park). And I fueled up as we came back from Hana at Charley's. The burgers and beer were just what we needed after a 11 hour day of driving and fun. Stop here and check out the stores. Support local color.

The Road to Hana. There are a ton of guides for this. Do it backwards. Start out by skirting the volcano (don't go to south Maui) and then drive on the oh so scary roads on the southeast. There are stretches of gravel and badly paved one and one and a half lane roads. These are great roads and if you go early you'll meet only the locals. The upcountry is beautiful with highland meadows with cows grazing and pheasant. We even met a tractor on the road.

The seven sacred pools. It's a national park so you can use your national park pass. Try to get here early because this is a well known place. Maui revealed has a great description of this place and the Pipiwi trail, so use that. Let's just say that you'll not only see amazing waterfalls, guava trees, huge banyan trees and a bamboo forest! It's a great and fairly easy 4 mile roundtrip hike.

My friends and I stopped off under the huge banyan tree to do some tree climbing - it was a huge tree and looked so fabulous for climbing. We noticed some flip flops at the bottom of the tree but we didn't see anyone up in it, so we started climbing it, only to find a couple people having an intimate moment. There's plenty of room for some action up there - but I'm not so sure about the comfort level.

I stopped by the Venus Pool and that was beautiful. And I heard great things about the blue pool. Be sure to take lunch with you on the Hana trip because Hana has not many food options... There are lots of places looking to get exchange your money for a hana packed lunch. ;)

I've still not made it to South Maui or the crater. I've heard amazing things about La Perouse Bay (especially snorkeling at Fishbowl) and the Sliding Sands trail in the crater.... I can only imagine that it must be somewhat like the Mojave, yet completely different.

So, go have fun now!!!

Onions

My friend Marlee was telling me a story about Onions. She was looking for the core of an onion - the center of the onion - at which level does the onion become the center? Her conclusion was that the whole onion is the core.

I've been thinking about this the past few months and more so in the past few days. An onion. I feel like an onion. There are so many masks to my personality. "Still know nothing about me." None of them are fully who I am. "Steal my eyeballs and come back for the sockets." But they are all some part. "Pour over everything in my C.V." But each of those masks are part of me. "Run every kind of test, from A to Z." And make up a core of who I am. "Run my name through your computer." Yet at the same time, it's not me. "Take my fingerprints, if you are able." Who I am is a fleeting feeling. "Search my house with a fine tooth comb." And no one knows me all. "Check if I paid my income tax." There is but one person who does. "Pick my brain, pick my pockets." C'est Moi.

how do you see people?

I was talking with my friend barbarzinho today and the subject of how we see other people came up. We were sitting in Cafe Borone in Menlo Park. I had just come from a few hours in Filoli (more on it later). He said he didn't identify me with the way I look - or visually - more with my personality and voice. I said I sometimes look in the mirror and am surprised with what I see. What I look like is rarely who I think I am. I don't know what I would expect me to look like, but I am often surprised. We talked about knowing people not visually. On more than one occasion I have looked at friends and seen them different. It's always a strange sensation. It's seeing them on a different level. It's seeing them through a different lens.

The sunshine glinting off a couple grey strands. Seeing a face differently, as if in a dream. A feeling. Affection.

blast from the past

this is the first of it's kind. an email from an x-bf arrived in the past week. I found it today buried in 1500+ spam email messages to an account I rarely use (the one on this site ;) ). It was one of those breakoffs that had some bloody loose ends. He was a complete asshole and I was young.

I had started working to resolve those bloody stubs about a month ago, as I was dealing with the friend purging stuff ... and then here a message arrives of more of less the same caliber that I was thinking to send. It's going to always be so interesting to me to watch how the syncronicities of life happen to me. It's the way it unfolds. There is nothing for me to do breath and live and pay attention. FUN! I love being alive in this body.

what color am I?

Not that surprising. I love these things. I don't know what it is about them, but I love seeing what other people and things say about me. Of course I have that Sting refrain "Still no nothing about me" going through me head. Because I know with complete and utter certainty that I could, have and will drop/change all of these characteristics of my personality at any time. Be aware. ;)

you are darkorange #FF8C00

Your dominant hues are red and yellow... most of what you do is motivated by your need to change things and have a good time, but you've been known to settle down and think out a situation, too. You tend to surprise people just when they're starting to feel like they've got you down. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I got this AWESOME orange bikini today in Pa'ia, Maui. Unfortunately it was an hour and half before my flight left to return to San Fran. but it's brazilian cut and the top is large enough to fit my LA size titas. (No implants needed.) They have been the bane of my bikini existance as I LOVE love LOVE brazilian cut bikinis, but they mostly make them for women with tiny tits (prefered brazilian body type: big butt tiny tits). But now, I have the tiny tanga bottom with the top that fits but is not like all midwestern and sheit. ;)

Chatwin is a real person

I'm reading Bruce Chatwin's Biography and it's very interesting. (5+ hours on SF to Maui and back get's you a long stretch of reading time). It's interesting to read about Chatwin's personal history. Of course, this is not all there was to/about him, but it's a different view. I'm learning a lot more about him from behind his writing, things I wouldn't necessarily have gotten from reading his stuff. There are things I identify about him. Things I cannot. Surprise, envy, excitement, sorrow. It's such a candid look at a person. A real person.

I was on a dive trip once and I spent an evening talking with this guy. At the beginning of the evening we knew hardly anything about each other. We just had our small interactions to base our judgements of each other. The night waxed late. The air was balmy and it was time to turn in. I think I asked him what he thought of me after the candid conversation we had had - I don't remember his answer, or if he did. I do remember he asked me what I thought of him. I pondered for a moment. Before that evening, I thought he was a happy go lucky free wheeling diver sporty guy with a baseball cap and moustach from the 80s. After that night of conversations, he became a real person to me. He told me some great stories. Those masks we wear in front of so many people came off during our conversation. He became a real person, and I no longer had a judgement about who I thought he was. My judgement didn't matter. He was a real person, with varied textures, passions and wounds and stories and interests. That's what it came down to. He was another person.

That's what I feel is happening with Chatwin. He's becoming a real person to me. Not this vision of who I think Chatwin is. Of course I will never experience Bruce Chatwin in the flesh - his dust is buried in Greece. But my preconceptions: feelings of glamour, excitement, jealous of his travel and adventures, etc. are burning off. What matters is that he was a real person. He lived, he experienced, he traveled, he wrote, he died.

And after all, I have my own set of Chatwinesque adventure stories and statues...

Go over here if you see no photos

Check out the conference yafro site. I'll be uploading some photos here.

argh technology

so I'm trying to get these photos up... we'll see what happens.... argh! technology.

Later on, I'll blog some sites/companies I find interesting... later, later.

Hawaii musings

I typed in the title above and immediately the High Lamas start singing in my head... "it's the final night, and they still can't get it right. the movement on the stage was so-so... do do do do, they're calling it the stop and go show..."

it's delightful dittying. So here I am in Maui. On this heathervescent blog o mine, I haven't reallu waxed work for a while. It's because I have been focusing almost no attention on work. So it's a somewhat shock to my system to be conference attending (www.c-summit.com), checking out companies, technologies, getting back into the techno talk. This comes easy to me. I know the tech, I have a lot of insights, I'm not a self-important ego focused whatever.... but still...

This tech part of me is just that. A part. Not part of the whole. So how much of who I am comes through. Is that important? At AOL, not only did I thrive on the technology and opportunity, but I used it as my primary battlefield to work on myself personally. The profession space is a great place to watch and learn about yourself and fellow primates. My real interests are in how people interact. And what happens when you throw technology into the mix. What does it do to us as a primate species to interact with each other with a technology wall - kind of the way you and I are interacting right now. Me here, in a lobby in the Ritz Carlton on Maui. You, where you are in front of your screen.

Technology enables you to experience somewhat, what I am experiences. Here you can experience my direct experience by my communication to you via typing it into my blog and posting it. With a cameraphone (if I get around to setting up the moblogging stuff) I can take pictures of the places I'm going to visit (and have already visited). Dragon Teeth, the petroglyphs.... ok, I guess I'll try to get the moblogging stuff going and maybe take some picture - so that you can experience visually, as well as the way you are right now...

I'll follow along

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the sentence on your blog along with these instructions.

_Fool on the Hill_, Matt Russ

But he wasn't sure he liked the idea of putting down roots here, even tentative ones.

Found an interesting weblog, Yoko, from whom via Kalinha I found the above.

Sunny gorgeous day. No fog or clouds in the sky. Yesterday I rode Lady Knight up to Tomales. It was the first long ride (yeah right, a whole 100+ miles and a few hours) in a long time and bod was getting tired. It's not always so ..... to ride a vibrating machine for hours on end. It doesn't help that I haven't had any physical therapy for shoulder/arm problem for weeks. Thanks Arnold to your workers comp law changes!!

But I wanted to get out and ride. I'm tired of stopping doing all the fun physical activities I used to do because of an injury. I've started doing handstands again (and doing amazingly well). And my body is happier for it.

Today I'm going to enjoy the sunshine.

Fool on the Hill

I've started reading Fool on the Hill by Matt Russ and I really like it. It's a delightful story that reminds me of American Gods and hero stories and adventure and I'm only 45 pages into it already.

Art Deco

Yesterday I took in the Art Deco exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor. The exhibit showed Art Deco "influences", which included a whole bunch of stuff. There was some really fantastic stuff and some stuff that was like, huh? that's Art Deco? It seemed to me that Art Deco was an eclectic mix of all kinds of things that happened to be popular at the time. The term Art Deco was not used contemporarily. It's not what the style was called when it was new. Which lead me to a mental masturbation about what the current style will be categorized as. Cultural reflection becomes history. Just as self reflection becomes history. Could you as an individual leave your personal history behind? Or even become detached from it, but not defined by it? Could a culture do this?

That typed, I did enjoy the exhibit. More about art biddies later....

A Scanner Darkly

A Scanner Darkly by PK Dick
I was somewhat annoyed by this book. It was so teenage boy rambleness. I was waiting for something to happen and it did. It happened so slowly that I didn't quite notice it. The slow graduation from known reality to burnout to twist in the last chapter. My final feeling is mixed with continued interest in Dick as a writer and less interest in this story in particular. I suppose if you want to know what it's like to get addicted to something and the aimless chatter and paranoia along with it, the story is for you. But that's just not where I'm at in my life, so less interest for me personally. I really liked a couple things that Dick wrote.
(from p. 231 Vintage Ed)

"After he saw God he felt really good, for around a year. And then he felt really bad. Worse than he had ever before in his life. Because one day it came over him, he began to realize, that he was never going to see God again; he was going to live out his whole remaining life, decades, maybe fifty years, and see nothing but what he had always seen. What we see. He was worse off than if he hadn't seen God. ... He realized he was going to have to live on and on like he was, seeing nothing. Without any purpose. Just a lump of flesh grinding along, eating, drinking, sleeping, working, crapping."
"Like the rest of us." It was the first thing Bob Arctor had managed to say[.] ... " Did ... he say what it was like?"
"Sparks. Showers of colored sparks, like when something goes wrong with your TV set. Sparks going up the wall, sparks in the air. And the whole world was a living creature, wherever he looked. And there were no accidents: everything fitted together and happened on purpose, to achieve something -- some goal in the future. ...

And so on. I found this interesting because this is a very good description of a technique I try to practice called seeing. I call it the fizz. You can see the fizz. It doesn't take any special skills. I used to do it as a kid, looking up into the ceiling. Best time to try this is at dusk. Be in a room where the light comes, defocus your eyes but stare at the ceiling or wall. Just relax and try to keep very quiet. You may notice there is a film over the wall or ceiling and it looks like snow on your TV. I also generally notice a yellow gold glow. Cool!

A dip in snow melt

Friday afternoon I headed north to some Mineral Springs near Mt Shasta. I really like spending time in hot water.

I've never driven up 5 north of Sacramento. It was beautiful open country with rolling hills. Off to the east volcanic peaks. Shasta lake, pines, more volcanic topography. Beautiful. I pulled off in the sadly named Weed and headed west to a higher elevation. The road followed a swiftly running creek up the mountain.

It was raining when I reached the bath house. I noticed the sweat lodge set up near the front. I crossed the wooden railroad tie bridge and checked in. The bath set up was different than I had experienced. There were small rooms with individual bath tubs. The mineral water had silica in it and was very slippery and had a slight sulphuric scent. Nothing like other mineral springs I have been to. I filled the tub with warm/hot water and slipped in. Then I went into the wood stove heated sauna. After sweating and heating my body up I decided to check out the cold running snow melt creek. I am a fan of cold plunges. Usually the first one is very hard and then I am addicted. If I can get myself to get in, I am usually glad I did. I was standing on the edge of the creek with a sheet wrapped around my body. It was switching between rain and sleet and the air temperature was under 40 degrees. I knew the water was much colder. It was probably just above freezing, but I thought, why not experience this fully? I have nothing to lose? I have nothing to be afraid of. I can always get back out and then I will have had the experience. So with that in mind, I left my sheet on a nearby rock and slowly picked my way into the stream. I can not overstate how cold the stream was. My body was in shock. I couldn't feel anything except my heart beating rapidly and my mind freaking out. I took deep breaths and submerged my head and shoulders in the running stream. I had to carefully make my way back to the edge of the creek because there were lots of boulders and rocks and drug myself out of the water. My body was completely and utterly alive. I grabbed my sheet, which gave little if any protection from the rain and cold, and sat down outside on a bench. I was in the water for no more than 20-30 seconds.

My skin had goose bumps all over it and I saw steam rising off my body and breath. Yet I didn't feel necessarily cold. As I sat outside I felt an expansion coming from my neck vertebras. It was a white yellow feeling and moved up and down my spine. It was mostly a feeling of expansion in my whole spinal column. I sat outside and felt this feeling until it subsided and I noticed I was shivering. Then I went back inside and did the whole thing a couple more times.

I tell you, the cold plunge is addictive, if you can get yourself to do it once.

why I do things differently

I've been rereading Tom Robbin's _Even Cowgirls Get the Blues_. I came across an idea that explains nicely why I do things differently. Here's my personal interpretation.

I'm not different because I want to stand out. I'm not different because I want attention or to be noticed. I'm just like everyone else. I'm a human. I breathe air. I live. I do things differently because their are many things that need to be expressed. There are plenty of people expressing popular and "mainstream" things. The expression capacity of those experiences is fairly full, and more people will do those popular and mainstream things because they are accessible and often appropriated as an acceptable thing to do/express.

I remember thinking to myself 15+ years ago (when I was 15) that even the nonconformists conform to a predefined notion of nonconformity. Generally speaking, nonconformists are not original in their nonconformity.

I do things differently because I see activities and perceptions and experiences that have a need to be expressed, experienced. And I see few people expressing/experiences these items. Because I pay attention to the world I live in, I have noticed these things. This gives me the opportunity to choose to express mainstream/popular items or pay attention to these lesser noticed experiences and expressions.

roadside attractions

I noticed a couple interesting things yesterday. I'm driving along 505 and 5 north of SacTown and all of a sudden I start to notice bails of hay on the shoulder and in the median of the freeway. Pretty soon the bails of hay turn into rows of cut hay ready to be bailed. And I think, that's a really interesting use of federal lands - to bail hay. I don't think the hay they get from the freeway would be that great to feed to animals, but it might make good ornamental hay bails. So I thought - cool.

I also noticed lots of black birds. From the steely-eyed grackle to the large raven. They hung out in the ribs on the side of the road pecking. Cars were whizzing by at 70 miles an hour just 1 or 2 feet away and they were not phased at all. I guess they have learned that most cars drive on the other side of the yellow line. This story reminds me of another bird story I witnessed. We had stopped at the Wagon Wheel in Needles, CA for their pancake bfast special (2.99!) and as we sat at the table we watched a black grackle hop from one car to the other picking at the windshield wipers. Apparently this bird had learned that bugs got stuck there and was looking for an easy meal. Smart bird!

life in the city

Today I was rambling around the city, doing odds and ends in various parts of the city. I was visiting a friend of mine on Russian Hill. As I was driving over to the Haight, not even out of the area, I noticed I was very close to a leather shop. I have been planning to buy some leather to make some arm and headbands and found this guy in the phonebook who sold exotic leather for all kinds of stuff. I was two blocks from the address. So I swung by. It was in the bottom of an apartment building. I walked into the smell of leather and exotic skins on the walls. Alligator, frog. Moccasins hung from the ceiling and I LOVED them. I loved the place. It reminded me of Sandalmaker Rich's shop, Pathfinder Leather, in Iowa. So I talk to John Fong, the owner, about fixing my leather jacket and buying some leather. In the meantime I start telling him about my friend who has a shop that reminds me of his. We talk some more and find out that he also knows Rich. Rich Foudree from Ottumwa Iowa! It's such a small world. John showed me an alligator vest he made for another guy in Iowa. (His most expensive item ever made - over 5K!)

Later I was hanging out in a coffeeshop waiting for some friends and I got a mocha. The barista made a heart with an arrow in the foam on the top. That was kind of cute, but I merely sat and wrote in my journal. I'm not really sure what to do with flirting these days.

Hey, I just found out the PK Dick lived in LA around the same time I did. Cool. Link to a good bio of him.

biographies of men

I wanted to find out when and how Bruce Chatwin died. He was 48 and apparently died of an AIDS related illness. I found out there is an actual book biography on him. Maybe I'll check it out at the library.

On another note, barbarino leant me 7-8 PK Dick books. I've read several of his short stories and _Do Androids Dream..._ (aka BladeRunner), but not much else. I remember BladeRunner came out. In 1982, I was 8. I saw a preview of it and was immediately fascinated. I didn't know what the story was about. I only knew I liked the feeling I got watching the preview. Dark, rainy, mysterious. It was a LA I never knew of. One clouded over (with smog?!) raining, skyscrapers. A complete contrast to the sunny moist southern california weather.

I've started reading, _A Scanner Darkly_. First off, I am irritated by the way women "chicks" are referred to. Foxy, bang her, etc. It's part of the book, but I'm bored by it. I got the same irritation when I read a bunch of Heinlein. It's just like so, retro and in the past. Anyway, I'm letting my irritation sit to the side to see where the plot and character development go.

a woman on a bike

Some friends of mine told me about an interesting weblog. It's a woman's motorcycle rides through the Chernobyl dead zone with photos and commentary. It's pretty amazing and I suggest you check it out.

I'm thinking more and more about a solo motorcycle trip. I researched Australian desert tours the other day and found a good candidate in a self guided tour loop up the eastern coast then west to Alice and Ayers Rock then south and east through New South Wales and back up the coast. Of course I'll want to spend some time in Melbourne (the SF of Oz) and I'm pondering a short (3-4) day liveaboard in Ribbon Reefs or Barrier Reef, but we'll see how time, travel and money goes.

eternal sunshine synchronicities

Charlie Kaufman is a new Fellini. This is an utterly amazing film. The story and the way it unfolds is great. It's unique, fresh and completely emotional. I continue to be amazed at how synchronous my life is. Things that should have no relation to what is going on in my life somehow find themselves delivering a final blow to an increasingly fragile ego. There were just too many things about this movie and the characters in the movie that are similar to me, Clint, my life and my relationship with Clint. Which is at a transitioning point and has been for a while now. Seeing a movie like eternal sunshine is the knife twisting. It comes on the heels of the last post (I'm the same damn person) like a final blow to my reality. Which, is what it is.

I could say I'm stuck in a place, but I'm not. I know exactly where I am. Taking the next steps seem like some of the hardest. But oh well, I'll take them. And I do.

silence calls

I hear the call of the desert. It's a time to be dusting off the nighthawk and a traveling to the Mojave. I've got this idea in my head that I want to moto in the australian desert. It's the bruce chatwin rubbing off on me and my experiences of the mojave. If I do this, I'll have to feel a lot more comfortable on dirt.