heathervescent

fabulous days

Even though every single rollercoaster I'm riding is doing various double loops, I've got my hands in the air enjoying every minute. It doesn't matter if I am in control. In fact, I'm not. It's experiencing the ride, and it's more fun when you don't know what will happen next.

"We don't just say no
we're too busy sayin Yeaah"

Stagnation broken.

I've got the snob back. I feel like I'm on vacation when I have my hand on her stick and my foot on the pedal. The sky was perfect blue. Surfers were black spots at Topanga. The road is still closed for through traffic. There have been various minor mudslides the past week, so PCH has had a lane closed here and there. Malibu canyon was gorgeous and I laughed all the way. Carson gave me a mix CD for my birthday that has the best rap song ever on it. Ice Cube's Gansta Gansta from Straight Outta Compton.

"I'm drinking straight out the 8 bottle   [Olde English 800 40 ouncer]
Do I look like  a motherfuckin role model?
To little kids lookin up to me
Life aint nothing but bitches and money"

Really, I can't think of anything that could get me down. What a feeling, excited, unsettled by what the future brings. And it's not in terms of good or bad... it's in terms of experience. Good and bad ceases to have meaning. When you are living in the present there are experiences and adventures.

riding the dragon

Rereading old posts, I came across these fabulous directions for living from myself, from December 2003. They ring true today and I ponder them for the next year.

.....
acquiesce. (Which secretly means to act.) [So, how do I know how to act?]

I know how to act by being in tune with INTENT (the big intent of the universe, eagle, tonal, etc) and my intent (personal). I try to keep a detached view (sometimes very very hard). I practice various magical passes. I practice seeing. I look for agreements. I practice dreaming. All these tools provide an individual piece like compass, map, next resting area on map, that helps me know what to do (acquiesce) in my "everyday" life.

My life has been very difficult recently. There have been huge changes happening. The changes happened (I made them) because I finally had the energy, guts, and surrender to acquiesce.

Acquiescing can be done in small shifts and sometimes in very swift crushing movements.
.....

They key word up there is surrender. Surrender to acquiescence.

Surrender to your life. Surrender to live it passionately and with awareness.

a note to terrascope readers

You have compassion for Clint. He is your friend. I have compassion for Clint. He was my best friend, lover, partner in crime and companion longer than any of you have known him. You do not know the ins and outs of our relationship. None of our friends did. Not even the closest one - Laramie.

You know only part of one side of the story. That's fine. We live not in a partisan world. Any view, by the mere fact that you are viewing is not objective. Be not so quick to judge my actions. I did nothing illegal. Just as Clint does nothing illegal by requesting 1/2 of all assets, even though he contributed 30-40% to the acquisition of them. Tell me terrascope readers, does it seem fair to combine 3 pounds with your friend's 7 pounds and when you split you each take 5 pounds? Seems like a raw deal to the one who contributed 7 pounds in the first place. (And we're not just talking money here. There mere fact that I could do what I did shows the place I held in the relationship.)

Which goes to the question of Karma. And fairness. And the laws of the nation and state in which you live.

I've asked Clint to be fair. Fair not in terms of legality, but in terms of karmic fairness, fairness to what our relationship was. Fair in unravelling the pieces. I put my faith in the universe to "make the right things happen." Yes I was angry. My anger peaked about 8 months ago. Clint chose to stick to the fairness dictated by the laws. I warned him to watch out, because karma sweeps it's tail. The wheel turns. I know this because the wheel has turned many times. I know karma coming back at me. It's not pretty, nor easy, but does provide plenty of opportunity for growth.

Judge not, lest ye be judged. Perhaps, I stand judged by you, which puts you at the mercy of your own judgments. This contributes to your world view, as you create the world you live in. You are your own Wizard of Oz. You pull your own levers. You create the dream you live called your reality. Clint created this reality.

Raise your angry fist to the heavens and wonder. Feel the victim. Self-pity. Or face up to your actions and take responsibility. The world gives you what you need for your next steps of growth.

Will you rise to the occasion of being a better person or fight your better self?

Online Communication Behavior

This is a great article by Amy Gahran on human behavior and the Internet. Enjoy.

"Contrary to popular opinion, the Internet is not really about technology. It’s about people, specifically how people communicate. ..."

chapel perilous

What to do when ships sink? When wind blows on the mountain and forms stagnation? When compromising fails in resolving conflict?  You enter the perilous chapel. The family guides:

          Changing yang in the third place means:
          When tempers flare up in the family,
          Too great severity brings remorse.
          Good fortune nonetheless.
          When woman and child dally and laugh,
          It leads in the end to humiliation.

Perhaps the punishment is too severe. The punishment is more severe than I should have liked, however it was not my choice. The universe provides, shows the path and I accept, knowing the hardness. Meting out punishment is perhaps harder for the one with the whipping stick. I'm sure he knows this too.

So I enter with full awareness into the Chapel Perilous. Where even more bets are off and my trust in the universe, the unknown is the only thing that matters. It is the key. The third staircase. The voice of Intent, the rustling of the leaves pointing out the muddy path.

So enter, give way to all you have known - to all others have told you. Let not the judgment and ego and anger and resentment snap your leg in the trap. Dally not with the sweets and treats and sensual delights. For if you do, you will never leave the chapel alive - nor will you leave it unscathed. Everyone who enters is changed.

Why wait for death, when one has the power to change and burn today.

enlightened code

clean clear simple hand coded html is about as zen as it gets.

2005 so far in pictures

First is was this and I was impatient, impatient, impatient

Then is started to change

And it continued to change

And time will tell when it becomes

the future is now

as of today, I own the Future. I'll see you there soon.

burn baby burn

There's nothing like 100+- x-mas trees piled up on a beach when the flame pops out. The crummy thing was that the beach patrol swung by BEFORE it was set on fire and put a slight damper on the festivities. However after they "continued on their patrol" someone snuck over and lit it. (Oh how I wished to be a bold babe and do it. Alas, do I have someone in LA who would bail me out of jail?)

Anyway, the photo up there is courtesy of gigsville paynie. I love a large scale fire. It's got me thinking about my burnable playa art. I'm thinking love and rockets.

fiasco and plunging

"The greatest lives are built on the greatest fiascoes. Security and stability equal stagnation. If you want to live to the fullest, get out there and make as many creative mistakes as possible."

The coasters are ticking up to the top bump. Some have crested and are on that tiny bit of flat track before the plunge. Are you ready? Am I ready? Make sure to put your hands in the air and scream in delight, because here's the plunge right now ....

Canyon Cruiser?

This is the perfect vehicle for cruising the muddy canyons in style and safety. And it's sale on Amazon. Yes, all you Topanga hippies can have your own custom built Land Cruiser/Tank to circumnavigate that huge rock that keeps Topanga Canyon closed.

Extra fun for those weekend rides on Angeles Crest.

Piuma Photos or - Don't go there!

With charged camera in hand, I climbed the canyons again this morning. Check out the Malibu Mud 2005 Album for more photos.

Rock on!

Look for your own.

Look for your own. Do not do what someone else could do as well as you. Do not say, do not write what someone else could say, could write as well as you. Care for nothing in yourself but what you feel exists nowhere else. And, out of yourself create, impatiently or patiently, the most irreplaceable of beings.          

– André Gide

I couldn't have said it better. Quote courtesy of KJ Bishop - author of etched city. With a website of her (I think) own.
         

Piuma Piuma Piuma!

OK. PCH was a parking lot this morning. The mudslides are getting cleaned up, but they still had northbound down to 1 lane - which meant merging and a major slowdown starting at Topanga, which was still closed. I was pretty sure Malibu Canyon was going to be closed and since I has gas in my tank, I left the main alternative route and made my own. No, I don't drive an SUV or 4x4.... yet. It's just me and the snob - a black Saab Convertible. Today - we had the top down and proceeded to twist our way up to the ridge.

The "reward" was there. Las Ramblas has some really excellent downs... rocks, trees, not so much mud. Pavement cracking (still hanging on though). I wound my way on the ridge using all parts of the pavement. That yellow line meant nothing. Views of the pacific, clear and blue. I attempted to take some photos but my camera batteries ran out. Tomorrow - wait for the photos. I pulled off at an overlook and peered down. There was Malibu Canyon, no traffic, muddy streaks and I saw a couple trucks around what looked to be a slide. I carved my way down Piuma. I have a love affair with this road. Can a woman love asphalt and concrete? Oh yes, she can - and I do. I love this road. I love the name. I love driving up and down it. I love it in my car or on my motorcycle. I love it alone or with friends in the passenger or leading or following. I love it. And it felt so good to be affectionate to it's cold moist pavement. Not too many slides. Mostly trees covering the lane here or there. Malibu Canyon was closed at Piuma so I took my normal commute route on Las Virgines to Mulholland. Mulholland was more or less clean and I was back to safety in second gear. (I usually don't push it beyond 3rd gear here.) I wound my way to Cornell then Kanan and Agoura Hills. No freeway for me. All in all, it took me about 40 minutes from PCH to Kanan Rd via the canyon.

It was gorgeous. I was in love. The sun was shining and I was listening to my stereo. What more could I want? At least at that moment.

Ahhhhhh.

Malibu Mudslide Photos!

Yes, oh yes. We finally got a clear day. The first day of sun in ... how long? A week? Ah and the gorgeous sun. I almost put the top down on the drive in. Where were all the people? Roads were closed and yet, not a soul on the road. I was prepared for a long haul again this morning. But I was met with smooth sailing. I brought my camera along to take some photos. None of these photos are that great as I took them while driving to work this morning between 8:30 and 9. But it gives you some of the experience. Malibu Canyon is still closed. (I wasn't one of the folks to drive around the barrier). I tried to get up to Topanga to see that huge rock but failed in my CHP bribing.

You may find it interesting to check out both my commute photo album along with the Malibu Mudslides one.

I'm not turned off by this at all. I think it's exciting. If anything closed roads, lanes, the earth itself unstable increased my exhilaration to live. I think it's AWEsome in the true meaning of the word. These mudslides inspire AWE in me. I do not think that I will escape. I do not dance the dangling meat to the tiger. I am in awe at the tiger. Just as I am in awe with nature in all it's incarnations. We are alive. Let's not be tame. Let's live in awe of this world. That's by the seat of your pants!

Monday morning mudslides

PCH was a red muddy mess with boulders the size of my car and smaller spilling into the right lane. I saw 3 major midslides and many smaller ones. Topanga Canyon and Malibu Canyon roads were closed, so it was a Kanan Dume day.

I really didn't mind the slow down. The drive on Kanan was delightful - fog so thick I couldn't see more than 15 feet in front of me (Monterey Bay diving visibility), it was misting a solid spray (just enough to clean the mud off my windscreen) and waterfalls that make the road look more and more like Maui Hana side.

What a relaxing drive. There's nothing better than to enjoy it.

waiting

I am not a patient person and so far 2005 has been about waiting. "This is a fine pace." I say to myself. An echo from this summer. But it's not. I'm winding up. I'm in overdrive and ready to spring into action. It's 2005 and there are so many things to do.

However, on all tracks, it's waiting. All 5 rollercoaster are climbing to the top. I can only imagine what the ride will be like. I know I should enjoy this calm before the storm or the eye of the storm, but I much prefer the storm itself.

Which has me thinking. What does one do when waiting? The unexpected happens.

The lines were very long at LACMA yesterday. I waited to get a ticket. All around me people were irritated and flitted around talking about how the show was sold out and people were trying to sell tickets or buy tickets from individuals. The guy in front of me said he may have an extra ticket and would I be interested in buying it. I said ok, but had to wait until he got to the ticket window. As I waited I was not anxious - that much. I knew there would be a ticket for me. I knew I could buy it. If there wasn't a ticket I would go do something else. I wasn't worried. I didn't care about waiting in the line. I looked around and up and felt the rain drops spear down from the cracks in the structure above. I didn't even care about the unknowns around my friend meeting me - even if it would happen. None of that was of concern to me. I just waited my turn.

Everything worked out perfectly. I got a ticket, I saw the photographs. Carson met me just as I was pondering the simple and the clutter in Robbert Frick's exhibit.

Since I know I can be that detached with waiting, why is it so hard to wait for these other tracks? It's because of the investments. In each of the other tracks I have something invested in them. Emotional, financially, intellectually. I don't want to walk away from any of those tracks. And yet, I cannot execute... yet. YET.

Wait - wait and see. This really is a fine pace. Just you wait and see.

Just do it

"When in doubt, do it."
     - Oliver Wendell Holmes 

thunder delight

It just thundered and lighteninged here in Santa Monica. I woke up to the sound of rain pitter-patter. I'm sitting here now at my computer on the kitchen table, drinking coffee and the highlight flash out the window a few seconds later a rumble. What wonderful noise.

It's been a good first week of the year. What I've learned so far? Take care of the body and the rest will follow.

New Photo Albums

I posted Portland Ho and Commute to the blog. Check out the photos of cutting down an Xmas tree from the national forest and the fabulous commute I gush about constantly.

all she wants is... glamour phones

It was catchy enought to catch me. The Nokia site with their new phones are really something. I've been waiting to see a cell phone manufacturer make body cell phone/cell phone jewelry. This is as close as I've seen it. I'm definitely holding out for "Fashionable Fold".

Check them out.

Managing Oneself: Harvard Business Review drive the nail home in one shot

It's often hit or miss with HBR articles. Tthis month they really delivered a gem - for me at least. This is the way I work - they way businesses *should* work but so often do not. This isn't a free article, but it's worth it if you can get a look. Here's the snippet.

Managing Oneself by Peter F. Drucker   
Success in the knowledge economy comes to those who know themselves—their strengths, their values, and how they best perform.      

We live in an age of unprecedented opportunity: If you’ve got ambition and smarts, you can rise to the top of your chosen profession, regardless of where you started out.

But with opportunity comes responsibility. Companies today aren’t managing their employees’ careers; knowledge workers must, effectively, be their own chief executive officers. It’s up to you to carve out your place, to know when to change course, and to keep yourself engaged and productive during a work life that may span some 50 years. To do those things well, you’ll need to cultivate a deep understanding of yourself—not only what your strengths and weaknesses are but also how you learn, how you work with others, what your values are, and where you can make the greatest contribution. Because only when you operate from strengths can you achieve true excellence.

a childhood song

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Frontrow/5764/pippi.html

Reviewing the index of this site, I am looking into a slightly skewed mirror.

And this is one of my favorite songs: Hooray I found the words.

Wake up you lazy bones
there's a lot of work to do
but the lazy bones says
"Not today, tomorrow I'll work for you."

Wake up you lazy bones
you have work to do today
but the lazy bones says
"Not today, today I'm going out to play."

Tra-la-la-la-la-la
how hard I'll work tomorrow
Tra-la-la-la-la-la
that's why I'm resting up today

Wake up you lazy bones
for you rested yesterday
and the things you said you'd do tomorrow
you must do today.

Tra-la-la-la-la-la
I'll do them all tomorrow
Tra-la-la-la-la-la
That's why I'm resting up today

Wake up you lazy bones
use your fingers and your thumbs
Don't you put it off for another day
for tomorrow never comes

quotes of risk and reward

I admit, I stole these from the comments in Barlow's recent post. They are so wonderful I must place them here also for your pleasure (and mine as well.)

The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of life is to live dangerously.
- Fridrich Wilhelm Nietzche

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure that it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
- Ernest Hemingway; 1899-1961

Life is a pure flame, and we live by an invisible sun within us.
- Thomas Browne, 1605-1682

We are more often frightened than hurt; we suffer more from imagination than from reality.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (ca. 1AD)

Yes, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone.  Otherwise it would be called sure-thing-taking.
- Tim McMahon

"When it comes time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.
- Chief Aupumut, Mohican. 1725

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
- Mark Twain

We live amid surfaces, and the true art is to skate well on them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

mudslides and risk

It's been a raining off and on for several weeks. The rain varies between a light drizzle or sprinkle to torrential downpour. I commute through the Malibu Canyons and that means - MUDSLIDES!

I've noticed the mud on the sides of PCH the past few weeks. Sometimes some small rocks, occasionally large boulders the size of my torso are also seen. I dodge them and run through the film in my mind of the rock tumbling down the cliff. How did it land? Who saw it first? What would the experience be like if it were to tumble down the exact instant I was driving by?

I look at the mud puddles by the side of the road. I expected great big sloshes into multiple lanes not these smallish swirls of wet red dust. It occurred to me that the slides don't necessarily come down in an avalanche of mud, but rather grain by grain, the rain sweeping the sides of the canyons clean towing in it's flow grains that detach themselves from roots and rocks.

Malibu Canyon was closed today. The rock slides I have seen on a regular basis the past week must have been too much. That's OK. It was a good excuse to continue up PCH and take Kanan Dume. I saw more slides as I zipped up the "super two" lane canyon road. I remembered the first time I took the road and blew my clutch. A day so unlike today. Still I was in awe as the first time. Today it looked like the Hana highway on Maui. Flush green, waterfalls by the side of the roads, wet rocks, fog. It was gorgeous and I was so happy to be able to experience this on the drive to work.

I  realized more succinctly that risk is an important part of my life. My morning drive with the risk of mudslides, falling rocks, curvy canyon roads emblazons me to live fully. Being fully alive and aware of your death at any moment. Of course I don't want to die. But anyone, even you, can die in an instant - in the next instant or a future far beyond.

So I make the choice. I drive my stick-shift around the canyons, I take the blue highways, I look with awe on the mud slides and I drive with delight through the freeway puddles splashing the wet dust onto my waxed black finish. I'll die - that's for sure - and I hope it won't be in my sleep. Until then, I'll live by the seat of my pants. I'm glad the snob has headed seats.

out with the tiger, in with the spider

I've got a lot of things swirling in my head and body. Thoughts, revisions, emotions, feelings, goals. Reviewing my goals for 2004. Preparing the map for 2005. I keep lists and notes about what I want in my life. What I want to do with my life. What my dream life looks like. I've made many revisions in 2004. On Jan 1, 2004 I wrote this list:

• Make some money. Try to pay for 1/2 of my expenses.
• Make Decisions. Start small.
• Resolve relationship with Clint. Start on new track.
• Practice being happy and satisfied.
• Live in a new place. New apartment or house. Buy a house.
• Continue working on body. Best in shape 125-130 lbs.
• Outline one book and start writing it.
• Track/Stalk myself and my relationship with Carson.
• Travel: Midwest, Portland, SoCal, Southwest and beyond.
• Continue to align my intent, my connection to Intent! Dream!
• Purge toxins - physical, emotional from mind, body, soul.
• Reset financial and core values.

I've revisited it many times in the year. I made progress on everything on my list. There's one item that dropped off. That seems to be what happens with my lists like this. It's interesting knowing that as I write my list for 2005. I wonder which of these items will drop off? Will become less important. And what other things not on this list will become important.

• Move into the house. Unpack and have all my stuff in one location.
• Rebuild financial base.
• Completely, legally disengage from Clint. Burn the letters.
• Impeccible style, impeccible interactions.
• Love and be loved.
• Success in work. Achieve business goals, keep integrity, be authentic self.
• Get a kitten/gecko/bird.
• Work on staying physically fit. Continue fixing/healing my arm/shoulder.
• Take at least one international trip.
• Plant a garden with bulbs. Cala lillies.
• Take a tango lesson.
• Live life on the edge. By the seat of my pants. Navigate from the unknown, unexpected.

I'm excited for 2005. My year of the rocket.

what will you do in 2005?

I've been working on my list of goals for 2005. I'll post it in a few days. But in the meantime. What are you, dear readers planning to do in 2005. Here's an interesting site that might help get your juices flowing.

How to keep your new year's resolution

heathervescent 2004 revisited

2004 was a tough year. It was a year of dramatic change. It was the Indian Ocean Tsunami crashing into the shore of heather. Luckily I'm the vescent one and I bubbled with change. But it's been a year of casualties as well. I'm picking out a few of my favorite posts of the year. I started this blog in February.

• Unraveling in February
• The decision to move to LA - March
• On True Love - April
• A Perfect Day - May
• Airplanes and Adventures - June
• Conversations with the Road - July
• Stories within stories - August
• The commute begins - September
• I drove off the canyon road today - October
• Los Feliz/Potrero Hill/Oakland - November
• Consumerism - December

2005 is the year of the rocket. I've got a couple more days until blast-off! Say YES!

No risk, no adventure. I will give you my best advice, for friends, cats, clients, and anyone listening:

• say YES to as many things as you can in life, that’s where living starts
• you will be wrong a lot
• you will be fully alive
• there are no guarantees, and...
• you never know enough

Remember, we are human beings, not human doings.

Thanks be to LA Blogs

Thank you Jonah for including me in your list of notable blogs of 2004. Your site, LA Blogs, was extremely important in me settling in here in LA. It's made me feel a bit of the intechnetness of the north, while experiencing all LA has to offer. I'm honored and amazed and surprised and awed by being on your list. And I have to admit - I feel pleasure in being pointed out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

a hint for 2005

I've been trying hard to not mention this on the blog. You know when things aren't finalized yet, and anything could go wrong? I've got two of these tracks going right now. 2005 promises to be a bang. A firecracker. A ride on bucking bronco. A wheelie. A parachute jump. A 3 ft zipper on my stiletto boots. The snap on my driving gloves. The sunburn on my forehead.

And the future starts in Gloriously in Glassell Park.

Where the hell is that you ask? Check the 5, the 110 and the 2. And check the top of Mt Washington. And then look for the future at a corner with Burnell. My future.

in the pink

what I want for christmas

a copper teapot
a good pair of garden clippers
a basket of tulip bulbs
red and pink flowers
all my dreams come true

ping pong laptop travel

I've ordered a new laptop from IBM. Here's what the tracking statement says for today. I think it's great. I want to travel like my laptop. (It occurs to me that I should visit every place every product I buy goes... hmmm...

Dec 21, 2004 10:41 P.M. ONTARIO, CA, US ARRIVAL SCAN 10:38 P.M. INCHEON, KR DEPARTURE SCAN 10:37 P.M. ONTARIO, CA, US ARRIVAL SCAN 8:31 P.M. INCHEON, KR ARRIVAL SCAN 4:34 P.M. ANCHORAGE, AK, US DEPARTURE SCAN 4:34 P.M. ANCHORAGE, AK, US DEPARTURE SCAN 4:28 P.M. CHEK LAP KOK, HK DEPARTURE SCAN 12:10 P.M. ANCHORAGE, AK, US ARRIVAL SCAN 12:10 P.M. ANCHORAGE, AK, US ARRIVAL SCAN 12:57 A.M. HK BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED

inspiration invincible

This morning I took Las Flores Canyon Road up to the ridge. The ride was gorgeous. Twisking roads going up my hands flying on the wheel back and forth and back and forth and the views of the rocks and the chaparral - just what I needed. Going to a high place, stopping and enjoying the view and then the ride down.

I realized that I like climbing to the peak and part of that experience is being at the top - although you are at the top just for a moment. A moment to savor the view, to breath the crisp air.

When I drive these roads I always feel a pang because I don't live on them. I don't live in these mountains with these views as my daily views. But in reality these are my daily views. The tiny moments I experience on these roads, seeing these hills is something I experience every day. No body can own these views or all these mountains. So why should I want to? I have the freedom to experience these roads, this landscape every day. There are many roads and I can take any of them that I want. I am not limited to the freeway or Malibu Canyon. I experience the climbing rush up the canyon, the cool moistness from the trees, the brisk wind up top and the sun warming my back as it burns off the purple haze in the valley.

A moment of inspiration and then the return to invincibility and the path down the mountain. It's just as exciting looking up around you, seeing the mountains and knowing you were up there. Remembering the view.

Hooray for Agriculture

This painting was done by none other than Joe Heaps Nelson, my best x-boyfriend ever. I love his choice of subject. I loved him for his solid Midwest roots while keeping the funky flavor. We used to drive around the "ghetto" of Des Moines listening to Salt n Pepper and Beastie Boys. He spent his last 20 bucks on dinner with me at the Y-Not Grill. I always wanted him to buy me something to remember him by, but he never did. He bought me lunch everyday for a Iowa Capital session - so I own many of my cells and sinew and blood to him. Ahh, the sweet memory.

consumerism

It's the holiday shopping season and of course that means the glut of shopping, spending money and buying stuff.

I was walking through a shop in Menlo Park last week with a friend and we realized we have very different experiences of shopping and purchasing. He goes into a store and sees interesting things. Just knowing that these things exist and if he has a few moments to admire or hold them are satisfying. I, on the other hand, go into a store and see things, could imagine wearing or using or having them around to admire in my own space and want to own them. I like to find interesting things to give to someone. It's something new they wouldn't find or something I want to see the reaction of the person.

Sometimes I give people things as an investment. I give them something because I want something back. Sometimes this is obvious and I'm aware of it and sometimes I'm not. I really try to stay away from this because it's not satisfying and backfires in the end. Sometimes the attachment is due to the cost. It's the ROI (return on investment) with the gift. Did/Is the person getting the amount of satisfaction / excitement / etc. from the gift I gave them? Is that reaction worth $50, $500 or $5000? Sometimes it is. (That's the basis of the priceless Visa ads.) Yes, some things are priceless - but can be bought with money. (Also this can be applied in reverse - I got a bargain and that person really really liked it.) Commensurate.

Sometimes I give people things with attachments. This is slightly different than giving investments. Giving something with attachments is a kind of homework. It's a particular type of energy I put into the gift - I suppose you could compare it with guilt (although guilt is more of an investment than attachment). However, I'm detached on the outcome of the "homework". I could care less if they pick up on the attachment - I've given them this gift to point them in a direction they need to go in - they can choose to pay attention or ignore it.

I get tremendous satisfaction by the act of purchasing.

Sometimes I buy things because I like the store - it's funky, hip or unique and I want to support it. Sometimes the products are interesting and I want them to be out in the world - not on display in a store. Sometimes I'm feeling off and I end up buying way more than I mean to. Sometimes I buy things to be excessive with money. Sometimes I buy things and then regret buying them later. Sometimes I return them, sometimes I am too tired, scared, embarrassed to return them. It's just money after all. And you can always make more money.

Realizing that I am somewhat satisfied by buying stuff made me feel shallow. I've always thought that consumerism and shopping to satisfy something inside you made you shallow. So when I told Carson that I realized I feel validated and get pleasure from spending money he just laughed. Laughed and laughed and laughed as we drove down Sunset. Does the awareness that you get pleasure from a "shallow" activity make you shallow? Being shallow with awareness. That sounds deep. ;)

as good a plan as any

I guess I'll spend the next couple years here in LA - living in my house and rebuilding my financial base - hanging out with friends and practicing living my life by the seat of my pants - traveling to places to find the country I want to live in. Then, by the time I am 35 - move to another country. maybe have a kid in LA before going 3rd world.

Have a big room with a thatched roof where I can keep all my art projects and make crazy art sculptures. A side room with a big espresso machine, near the ocean, with my moped or convertible nearby.

beach web cam

how cool is this?

http://watchthewater.co.la.ca.us/beach.cfm?bid=18

as above, so below

"The entire Universe is condensed in the body, and the entire body in the Heart. Thus the Heart is the nucleus of the Whole Universe."
  -Sri Ramana Maharshi

There's been a lot going on. I leave this quote to sate you for the moment.

the marriage of sticks

     "When anything truly important happens in your life, where ever you happen to be, find a stick in he immediate vicinity and write the occasion and date on it. Keep them together, protect them. There shouldn't be too many; sort through them every few years and separate the events that remain genuinely important from those that were but no longer are. You know the difference. Throw the rest out.
     When you are very old, very sick or sure there's not much time left to live, put them together and burn them. The marriage of sticks."

The Marriage of Sticks by Jonathan Carroll.

If this book is anything for me, it's the clanging of a thousand frying pans one after the other after the other.

flaws

people are not perfect. sometimes you have the good fortune to identify and see very clearly other people's flaws - the things they need to work on. I've noticed "flaws" about people I meet and friends of mine. Sometimes I would be irritated by them or want to tell them so they could work on them. But recently I had an epiphany. I don't care. Those flaws do not effect me. I can like them or love them or hate them or be irritated by them regardless of the "flaw". That flaw is not part of who they are and yet is a part of them. I'm not sure I have explained this completely or well... but it's something I've been thinking about, seeing and feeling.

Who wants to always be in balance? always perfect. Life is a fluctuation of cycles of hormones, seasons,
emotions, colors vying for attention.

anyway, what do you think?

my next bike

along with everything else I am doing, I've decided I need a new bike and set my eye on the Honda 919. What do ya'll think of it?

Here's a picture of the baby:

this one's for you Franco

I heard the story Franco, and just as a warning... you'd better watch out, because tricksters come in 3's and there are two over here and we're gonna get cha. Watch out. ;) hee hee.

Also, when are you going to send me some sweet delight of your work to post on the blog? or enjoy? don't stay so to yourself, come out and play. ha ha ha. (And join in the Karoke next time.) hmm...

first celebrity sighting (that I am aware of) in LA

Monday night I met Suzanna at this Bakery on Fairfax near 6th - Manny's I think. I'm having strawberry shortcake and she's having raspberry chocolate mousse. We're tanking up before hitting the x-mas goth pajama skating party. (Yes, that's correct.) I showed up in my evening wear which included white fishnets under a pair of boxes, black tank top, red short robe, red and black knee high socks, red boots and red cap. (I know, red is so not very goth, but I was focusing on the PJ/x-mas theme.

I'm totally wired because I'm so excited to go roller-skating and jabbering off the wall telling funny stories to suzanna and being the exuberant excited heathervescent - making funny jokes with our waiter, Alex. A couple walks in and stands at the counter. We're sitting in the fishbowl center window seat. I notice the guy looking at me - this is not surprising because I am dressed like a naughty elf - I'm not a normal sight and I'm not surprised to draw attention to myself. Then I take a second and third look because the person looks somewhat familiar... it happens to be Anthony Kiedies from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. (I had to look up his name.) I'm looking at him (and going off my own adrenaline steam) and noticing that his facial structure looks a lot like Carson. The way his skin is, the lines in his face. He had his hair in a ponytail and was with some girl, who I didn't see, as she was standing at the counter.

Suz and I eventually got up and went on to our night on the town. Rollerskating (Wumpskate) was canceled because of flooding, but we ended up at Alternative Karaoke where we sang Rapper's Delight by the SugarHill Gang. (This was actually very hard, because Rapper's Delight is about 6 1/2 minutes long and very very very wordy - it's a rap ya know.)

However the highlight of the evening was our version of Michael Jackson's Thriller. I sang with Suzanna and two other lovely blondes on backup. We had the entire club singing and dancing and grabbing their crotch along with us. It was such an awesome time. Monday night Ground Control is where it's at!

Too bad I already have plans for Saturday (clothing swap at my place) otherwise I'd join in Santacon. Photos from Monday night coming soon. (Along with Portland domestic bliss photos.)

Some photos of the evening. What fun!

life is a chance

When you are living in the moment. Taking chances. Jumping. Free Falling. That's when you are alive. Living by the seat of your pants is the only way of living. It's what makes you know you're alive. It's when your biggest concerns are gas, water, food and shelter. Not whether your PRD or software code makes the code checkin date. Office politics are small things compared to feeding and sheltering your 50 huskies in Alaska.

Live by the seat of your pants. It's more fun than sitting in front of the TV. Take that chance, make the jump and the rest will follow.

sometimes it's just a light

You meet people for a reason. Often it's not obvious what that reason is for. People come into your life to mix it up. Sometimes it's to mix up someone else's life. Sometimes it's just to point out a direction or show a new view.

I like people to be important. Important to me, and me important to them. It's hard sometimes to realize that the interaction was a moment. A moment only and then gone forever. Possibilities and potentials are not reality and often not realized. The shiny wrapped chocolate bunny turns into the waxy hollow core when unwrapped. It's ok. It's fine. It's a learning process. It doesn't make it any easier. I still dream. Not everyone you meet is going to be a core person in your life, no matter how cool or how much potential or how intense a connection you have or how long a history you have with them (well maybe that person is a core part of my life).

I think back on the various moths I've blogged since Feb. Various potentials flaked out by their own flakiness. One of them said once, "you don't have to go out of your way to maintain a relationship. You don't do anything to destroy the bridge, but you don't do anything to maintain it." (I guess that's a nice way of saying, I'm not interested.) He had potential and we had a couple nice walks. He was instrumental in getting me to Santa Monica. Then there was the first love of my life. The adventure I hoped would last a lifetime - but the adventure didn't. I still love him, but it's different. The adventure was Berkeley - where all my dreams came true. Then I dreamed a new dream with a new dreamer. Those dreams took me into desert landscapes and dream realities. We slingshot each other to Los Angeles and split apart to maintain our support structure. Most recently a character pointed out the neighborhood where I am buying my house. I had a feeling that he was just a pointer. But hope springs eternal.

It's not just men - although the heart is an effective way to get that fire under your butt. (Just see the movie, Body, Rest and Motion).

So I move through my life, with passion, detachment, excitement and adventure. I have one partner through my entire life. I will always be here.

All my dreams will come true. They always have.

Happy Hour with Heather - THIS MONDAY in PALO ALTO

A general announcement. For readers in the SF Bay Area, come hang with the Vescent one.

I'm a heading north and hosting one of my famous happy hours. Come have some drinks, snacks and catch up with friends and hear about my adventures (New city: Los Angeles. New house: Abandon all Hope he who enters The Future. New job: Internet Real Estate. New company: Acting/tech project - this is LA you know). Share your adventures with me. Let's get caught up.

December 13th, 7pm

Nola's
535 Ramona St
Palo Alto, CA 94301
Phone: (650) 328-2722
http://siliconvalley.citysearch.com/profile/920419/palo_alto_ca/nola.html?cslink=search_name_noncust&ulink=search__searchslot2_520__0_profile_2_1

quote

"I have a one-track mind and it runs on Jet fuel"

this pretty much sums me up.

and visions of family danced through my head

The universe has given me a wonderful view of family life the past week. It started with an arrival in Portland - home to my brother, Chad, and best girlfriend in the world, Shanon; with another glimpse tonight in the form of an unexpected invitation to taco tuesday night.

Portraits of fathers and mother and grandmothers and Poppas.
Homemade cookies by 7 and 3 year old girls.
Hiking through the snow to find that perfect X-mas tree.
Dog romping in the snow.
Snowballs and photographs and laughing and sticking fingers in other people's noses.
Collecting river stones.
Digging in the earth to plant tulips. Life springing forth from bare earth.
Cabinets made by the father.
The singing game after dinner.
Blackcurrant tea - my favorite.
Sunday morning tree decorating in PJs.
Another no top sheet house. Fleece blanket.
A sleeping cat on a handmade quilt.
A pine table: candles, flowers, turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing with nuts, pumpkin pie with cinnamon cream.
Checking homework.
Dancing girls in the kitchen, their pink and yellow nightgowns billowing out with their effervescence.
Showing off home improvement - elaborate trim and crown molding.

Simple pleasures. I was delighted. Enchanted.

How come I didn't feel like this when I was married? How come I didn't want this with him? I know the answer, of course. It wasn't possible then, with him. Here I am now, wanting this domesticity - this coziness. The house, the red and yellow walls, my Pakistani rug, my chenille couch, my grandmother's dishes, my legos, my boxes of magic - 16 years of collected relics, my books, my red velvet curtains, my dark wood furniture. The purr of the mik-mak, she'll have to be a new crazy cross-eyed Siamese mix. And then all the unknown.

So who will it be, oh universe. Who's my next partner in crime? I'm ready to meet him.

get into the flow

This is a good wiki of the mental state FLOW: http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?MentalStateCalledFlow

Where/when do you get into flow? What's your flow experience?