heathervescent

Portland Wedding Recap

My brother's wedding was a big jumble of a series of emotions of various extremes. From being the big sister helping out to take the pressure off the wedding couple, playing interference with various family members, to losing it and a late night call to United to reschedule my flight home (to the next flight out of here) to mixed feeling about marriage, in general and personally.

Let's start with the easy stuff. Here are the photo albums from the week. I met a totally cool and amazing couple - Matt and Colleen - some of Chad and Shanon's friends from Chicago. They were totally awesome and made my trip in so many ways. I hope I don't lose touch with them.

• Portland Bliss: Pictures around Chad and Shanon's house. The stuff I like.
• Pre-Wedding: Some pics before the wedding.
• Wedding: I didn't take any pictures, but handed off my camera to Colleen, who took a few pictures.

Let's just recap my feelings on marriage to give you a feeling of the conflict in my system. I had a great marriage with an amazing person. I drug myself away from that, because of what I have to do in my life. If I wanted to have a picture perfect marriage for a lifetime with a single person, I had that chance. I walked away from it. I believed in this vision, this idea of a marriage of a lifetime, even though I knew from the beginning that I couldn't do it this time round. The possibility, the potential is there, with so many people (people I could have it with), but not for me. I was willing to try, and I had a great time, was aware of the magic and perfectness as I lived it. Knowing that perfection would end. (Maybe this is melodramatic, but whatever.)

So here I see in my brother's face, this thing that I cannot do. Their satisfaction. It makes me happy that I can see this, that they can do this. I'm not in the least bit jealous, I'm sad. And that makes me feel strange. I don't wish to have done anything different in my life. I don't regret getting married or divorced. I was aware in the experience, and in that awareness is sadness.

Then let's throw into the mix, that even with all of this, I am not opposed to getting married again. I don't know why, even with my jadedness and issues of lifetime commitment bullshit. But still, I must not be jaded enough or maybe I'm a silly romantic. I heard their vows - of the future. And I thought, I don't want to live in the future (although, ironically I literally do) I want to live in the present. So I'll never make a vow of tomorrow, I'll make only a vow of today. And for now, I can only make that to myself. And sometimes I even have trouble with that.

happiness is two heathers

It's Heather Joy and Heathervescent! Thanks to Art for taking the photo. Juxtapose these energetic ones with this one from a mere month ago.

Just when I was feeling insecure, I still feel insecure

I find this post about how cool I am. I wonder who's blog it is. Phoebe maybe? She totally rocked when I worked with her back at AOHell. Oh yeah. It turns out to be her. Blogstalking in the works.

Yes, I was just perusing the web (distracted from my QAing) thinking how I don't get many comments or random emails asking me out on dates (believe it or not, I've only gotten about 2 of these in the 2+ years of blogging here). Not that I'm asking for them. That's way less from when I did my overnight radio show. (I would get calls from random guys asking me out after I did my air breaks, just by the mere sound of my voice.) G has gotten way more comment posts and personal emails from her blog, that's been up for 2 weeks or less, than I've gotten in the last month or so. That's great for her blog and I'm happy about it, but it makes me wonder about my own. Are the majority of my readers lurkers? Is my content really so egotistical that no one finds it interesting? That depresses me. It's true, I do this thing mostly for myself. But I do get a fair amount of hits. Comparison sucks, but I still do it. Like leaving the house, I like feedback. Nothing on the current series of dream actualization. Are my posts so out there that my readers don't know what to think? Are my words vague gibberish that sounds like English but comes out crazy? Or maybe what I write is just so obviously common sense to everyone except me. Would it be better if I talk about my love of driving or something more mundane or specific?

Don't worry. I'm already working on my next series that will teach you how to be enlightened by driving in Los Angeles. It's true.

doing what I love

I'm sitting here QAing, screenshooting, editing, excelling, ctrl-tabbing, listening to Steely Dan. Thinking about the Bay Area. Cafes, conversations, bookstores. It makes me look forward to reading in the bathtub and Friday.

2000 places of pi

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459
 230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384
 460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294
 895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914
 564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631
 558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046
 652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179
 310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912983
 367336244065664308602139494639522473719070217986094370277053921
 717629317675238467481846766940513200056812714526356082778577134
 275778960917363717872146844090122495343014654958537105079227968
 925892354201995611212902196086403441815981362977477130996051870
 72113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083
 026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083
 814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823537875937
 519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989380952
 572010654858632788659361533818279682303019520353018529689957736
 225994138912497217752834791315155748572424541506959508295331168
 617278558890750983817546374649393192550604009277016711390098488
 240128583616035637076601047101819429555961989467678374494482553
 797747268471040475346462080466842590694912933136770289891521047
 521620569660240580381501935112533824300355876402474964732639141
 992726042699227967823547816360093417216412199245863150302861829
 745557067498385054945885869269956909272107975093029553211653449
 872027559602364806654991198818347977535663698074265425278625518
 184175746728909777727938000816470600161452491921732172147723501
 414419735685481613611573525521334757418494684385233239073941433
 345477624168625189835694855620992192221842725502542568876717904
 946016534668049886272327917860857843838279679766814541009538837
 863609506800642251252051173929848960841284886269456042419652850
 222106611863067442786220391949450471237137869609563643719172874
 677646575739624138908658326459958133904780275901

"A good value can be obtained by stopping the experiment at an optimal moment."

Heart's Desire: Sharpen your Skills

Step four in how to get your heart's desire is to sharpen your skills. You know what you want, you have room for it and you have a physical manifestation that you can see everyday. Now ask yourself, do you need to learn anything to get your heart's desire? Where can you sell that sofa? What about that book on debt reduction? Where's that financial planning website? Do you need to amend your soil for the roses to grow? Where you gonna find that quality guy? Who offers tango dancing lessons in the evening?

Research, research, learn, learn.

Then there is the sharpening of yourself. Pay attention to the world. To the people in the world. To yourself in the world. Take a moment to look around yourself. To look beyond yourself. To see beyond the world. Pay attention to the light that shines through the cracks. The universe speaks to you in this light (even when it is night). Through the wind moving leaves on a tree. Through all those green lights you just hit (or that series of red lights telling you to slow down). Through the synchronicity that happen. The people you run into in the airport. Sharpen your ability to see these things. To feel these moments. Hone your ability to tune in and be part of the world you live in.

works well under pressure

I work best when the world is spinning around me. When I am the calm in the storm. When I jet my hands out into the tornado only to snatch a bit of this or that. It's not multi-tasking, it's multi-whirl-winding. My x-husband used to tell me that sometimes, he just had to step back and get out of my way, lest get caught in the blaze. He also likened me to a bull plowing through the field with nothing but flowers in my wake. I think those are compliments.

Thursday my brother got married in Portland on the top of a mountain. It was also the day I had to get my biz partner a last minute document. There I was, editing away, taking screenshots, writing emails, between making sandwiches, stopping by the salon to drop off the bride, pick her up, burn cds, make ipod playlists, synch playlists, make more sandwiches, pick up flowers, send emails, take screenshots, make ipod playlists, take phone calls, get dressed, etc. Yes, it was like that. Tension was high. It was a wedding day. It was a deadline.

Everything happened as it was supposed to. Vows were made. It didn't rain. Pictures were taken. Emails were sent. Documents were faxed. Music was played. Two people got married.

Portland Fortunes

I got the following fortune in a cookie at the Thai Restaurant just around the corner on Hawthorne:

"You are in for an enlightening experience."

It's never been so obvious before. And my response was, "of course"!

Rob Bresney writes:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): "Ninety-nine percent of the world is asleep,"
Meg Ryan's character tells Tom Hanks' character in the film, *Joe Versus
the Volcano.* "The one percent that is awake remains in a constant state
of amazement." I nominate you Aquarians to be the ringleaders of that
one percent in the coming week. The astrological omens suggest you will
be shocked awake (but in a friendly way!) by a minor miracle, whereupon
you will be visited by a steady surge of beguiling ephemera, curious
teachings, and changes that inspire quiet awe, not to mention sudden
deliverances from boring evils and enigmatic delights generated by
unseen presences.

Well, I sure will be interested to see what happens over the next couple days.

dogs

Dogs are attention hogs. Or at least the ones at my brother's house. Don't get me wrong. They are great beings and the Moki dog doesn't hound for attention as much as the Mole and Meat bag (aren't those great names?!) but still....

Redesign alert

It's about time that heathervescent gets a face lift. I'm currently on the second design of this site as powered by Movable Type on Typepad. SixApart has been great at getting out new features and I've been lax at using them. There have been a lot of things I wanted to do with the site but couldn't because of Weblog authoring UI tools. (No, I shudder to go back to HMTL coding in notepad, and for some reason IBM can not fix my CD-ROM, therefore my Dreamweaver CD remains in it's plastic sleeve.

However, working on Gloria's Be Reckless blog, which uses Typepad as well, I found there are modules that offer a lot of flexibility. That's what that "Some Stuff" mish-mash over to the left under my photo is all about. All the playing makes me think back to things I wanted to do, so now I'm thinking about a redesign.

With that in mind, I'd like to ask you, my dear readers, what you would like to see. Do you think my blog is a bunch of ego-centric ramblings? Why do you read it? Are you interested in my resources around LA? Around other parts of the world/US? Are you one of those x-friend stalkers who got written off (or wrote yourself off) a few years ago when I left the Bay Area? That x-fiancee from 10 years ago? Or just some random Google search black hole? Well, whatever. Tell me what you'd like to see. Cause I want to know.

I could live here

There's nothing like a perfect day here in Portland to start my mind thinking. I'm up here for my brother's wedding. The sky is blue and the weather is beautiful. The sun is bright but not hot on the 8' tall sunflowers that frame the driveway.

Driving around Hawthorne I am looking at the many houses. It's been described as "hippies with money". That's a good description. I've thought about moving here. And there is a plan in the back of my mind that brings me north in a couple years.

But some plans are not really plans, they are instead dreams I know will change and fail their fruition. That's OK. It's still fun to dream them. Doors open and possibilities wink themselves into existence in a moment. And then, the possibility closes and another dream enjoyed it's kernel of possibility before melting into a sea of potential, only to rise again.

I can tell the difference between these two types of plans. The dreams that will manifest and the ones that are mere masturbation. Non-realities of this reality. Still, sometimes it's hard to taste the difference in the moment, when you're wrapped up in their greasy hamburger paper and the special sauce tastes so good and the universe gives you a fine day to dream it in.

Heart's Desire: Physical Manifestation

You know what you want. You have room for it. Now, manifest this in the world.

This can be done in a variety of ways, and I have my favorite. Write it down. Make a description, a list of what you want. I've recently started using a Daruma, a Japanese doll-type item.

At burning man, I made Teletubbie Darumas. They were Teletubbies with a cell phone key pad that played music and other annoying sounds and also had a flashlight. I painted their eyes white and sprayed them with glitter.

A Daruma starts with two blank white eyes. You color in one eye when you manifest your desire or wish. I also like to decorate my daruma with words or pictures or symbols that respresent my desire. Then I hang it up in a prominent place, one I will see every day. This is not only a daily reminder of my wish, but a physical manifestation. When your desire has manifested and your dream come true, you color in the other eye and then destroy (usually by fire) the doll.

If you are interested in a Teletubbie Daruma, I can hook you up. Send me an email or post a message in the comments.

Heart's Desire: Have Room for it

The second step towards getting your heart's desire it to have the space for it. Space can be physical or emotional or something else. First, you've defined what it is you most passionately want with all of your heart. So you know exactly what it is. Now, ask yourself, do you actually have room for it to manifest in your life? How would it manifest?

• You want a new sofa? Do you actually have space for your new sofa? What about the shaggy old thing in the corner with a slipcover on it?
• You want a girlfriend but are in a safe but unfulfilling relationship? What about your girlfriend that broke up with you last year? (or that wife that left you hanging?) Are you over her yet, or do you still dream of her coming back? Where's the room in your heart?
• You want to be a millionaire? Do you have a financial planner? Do you have bank accounts in good standing ready to deposit your million into? What about a clean credit card that you pay off each month?
• What about a beautiful garden? What are those weeds doing there?

Remember, picking something small and specific will prove the best possibility for success in your endeavor to actualize your dream.

If you realize you don't have room for your heart's desire, do not fret, it's time to make room. And that can be fun. Once you make a commitment to something, the universe responds in ways you cannot imagine. Reread this story on embarking for Everest.

• Remove the sofa
• Release/resolve the emotions.
• Pay off your credit cards.
• Pull weeds one afternoon.

Make making room fun and light. Because, it's all about making your dream come true. And the path towards it should be full of delight.

on predestiny

It's all predestined, until you put it all on the table. And even that, may be predestined.

marriage in portland and downtown LA

My brother is getting married in one week. It's kind of surreal and normal at the same time. I'm not surprised that he is getting married to my soon to be sister-in-law (whom I totally love and she rocks and is amazingly great). It's just that, my little brother - Chad - whose arm I broke 25 years ago is you know, getting married. I think it's great. Marriage can be a great thing. I had a great marriage for many years and even going through the divorce I did, I would still consider getting married again - abet next time with certain discussions up front. Then again, I know a lot more about myself now and what I want in my life. It's a lot clearer, but I'm sure it will change just the same. And I'll change.

All these thoughts on marriage remind me of something I saw Saturday. Patrick and I were kicking around downtown LA. Checking out the Bradbury Building, Central Market walking down Broadway and ducking into a tiny picturesque alley with eateries. As we walked back to the car, we stumbled upon the Guadalupe Chapel that offered not only weddings (casamentos) but also divorces. I was in awe of what I saw from the street and the music was spilling out. I dragged Patrick in to take a look at their 5 separate chapels to choose from. I can not tell you how surreal it was. Small rooms, with tiny sets of pews and an altar in front with roses or other floral arrangements and Jesus Maria. Ceilings painted with flowers or a fluffy cloud sky. I felt completely discombobulated and out of whack. Thankfully we left. But still, I have the memory, tiny chapels and women waiting on benches in white wedding gowns.

Heart's Desire: Know what you want

The first step to getting  your heart's desire is to know what it is.

Do you dream of flying? Having an available boyfriend? A different job? Financial freedom? A new car? A beautiful garden?

First things first, know what you want. And be as specific as possible. The universe responds more readily to specific requests that are not out of proportion. Start with small items until you have honed your own dream actualization skills. Write your heart's desire down on a piece of paper and let it percolate in your brain and body and life to see if it's really what you want or just representative of something else. The trick with this step is to listen to your heart.

sometimes it's a good night

Well, the radio show reading Faerie Tales went splendidly tonight. I was inspired and made cookies before the show. Oatmeal-chocolate-chip-hazelnut-pecan-dried-cherry yummies. Chock full of tasties. Needless to say, I didn't bring any home and they went pretty quickly. The show started out a little slow - I was solo and started reading tales from "The Stinky Cheese Man and other stupid tales." I love these little ditties. Then the show heated up a bit and I played music I like and read some other stories. Three Billy Goat's Gruff - which I hadn't heard in a long time. The Gingerbread Man. Wa's story about Santa. I read some Pippi Longstocking. And then the peeps started coming by. It was a WND at Barbara's so folks came over to get cookies. And then the next thing I knew, the studio was completely full and I was reading my favorite childhood story: Aldous Huxley's Crows of Pearblossom. I don't know if they were shocked, amused or annoyed, but I had a great time. And then the truly gruesome tales came out, when I opened up Grim's Grimmest and read a couple pretty difficult stories. Still, I love them and I hope my listeners did too. Thanks, it was a great evening.

How to get your Heart's Desire in 6 easy steps

When I was at Burning Man this year, I taught a class on how to get your Heart's Desire. It was early in the week and yet, the Moroccan Tent where I was teaching the class was packed. Not everyone who wanted to attend was able to - and I ran out of materials - primarily the Teletubbie Darumas, which were part of step 3. For those who couldn't make it, I've outlined the steps below.

1. Know what you want.
2. Have room in your life for it.
3. Physical Manifestation
4. Sharpen your Skills
5. See your success
6. Say Thank You

In the next week, I'll pick each step and elaborate on it, so you my dear readers, can have your heart's desire as well.

Introducing Be Reckless

It's finally here, it's the blog you've all been waiting for. If you haven't learned from reading this blog, how to live your life with vim and adventure then you can drink from another fountain of experience. The Reckless blog is online. And soon, you'll be able to buy the book in stores everywhere - or even from this site.  Check out my insanely fabulous roommates new blog promoting her new book - which celebrates that spark inside you, that makes you jump into the ether and feel the wind on your face as you accelerate to living your life with more passion.

head outta the clouds

but the feet have yet to hit solid ground.

words I love

"i love you, heather.  love yourself." I need to remember these when all hell breaks loose, like it has the past week.

Free wood = Fire

Free wood = big fire in the car-b-que for the annual Sunday night pot-luck at Gigsville. Seared meat = yum. More pictures can be found here.

That red neon in the back is the Uberman rising above Black Rock City. It's neon hand announces that it's time for pie. Don't you feel like a slice of pie right now?

fork in the road

I arrived back in Los Angeles a mere few hours ago. The truck is packed with playa dusted costumes, coolers full of trash. I'm home and things have changed.

There's a fork in the road. And I know which side I am taking. I had a most fantastic week. I'll give you a few highlights while I compose my mind and re-assemble my life.

- Hours in the medic clinic with the IV drip (on the second day!)
- Unicorns, unicorns, unicorns
- Rides on Dezee's flyer, Doc's cat and Splat's diner car - all amazing and wonderful
- Letting my inner pyro free and throwing pallets, butane cans, paint cans and propane into the car-b-que. Getting wild off the fire and stoking and building it over and over.
- Completely and utter defecting to Gigsville from my previously schedule camp across the street
- The Uber man. A metal man larger than the burning man that rose above Black Rock City and stood flashing neon "Time for Pie" all night. The welcome beacon home. Not to mention my face on the uberman and Thriller karoke complete with the dance.
- Fireworks
- Magic
- Talks with the wind
- Amazing fire art (dance dance immolation, synapses and things I do not know the name of)

and most of all, most importantly, connecting with a group of people and a specific one at that. In the past few months, I've been continuously impressed with my new friends as I've worked with them on the uberman and gigsville projects. As I spent time hanging out with them at the car-b-que, on art cars and around the playa I became happier and happier. I love these people. I had an amazing time. My mind was blown.

Now, I assimilate, and continue to live my life as fully as I can, with the effervescent I've always had. Oh yeah, and we're bringing back one of my old nicknames - hbomb. Pictures forthcoming of why the name returns. It's good to be home, but I do miss the playa already.

introducing silvia

Last Friday afternoon a new addition showed up on the future's doorstep. Her name is Silvia Rancilio and she's a hot stainless steel machine that delivers hot steam and water and tasty espresso at the push of a button.

Here I am drinking an espresso just made from Silvia. Notice the peter cottontail mug. This was my mug that I used to drink coffee-milk out of when I was a wee lass. Yum. Coffee-milk.

   

these boots are made for walking

Ok, so it's new to me, but I still think it's pretty cool - because it's a Heather thing...  Introducing Heatherette a NY hipster weird fashion line. Although the name Heatherette is appealing to me it has nothing on my own  Heathervescent. Then again, ette diminitize and cutifies the word it is applied to. While vescent is merely bubbly - just the way I am.

Anyway, the boots in the fall/winter collection are what really kick ass. Here are some of the ones I liked.

insanity!

I leave tomorrow for that thing in the desert - Burning Man. I realized this week that some people have Christmas, but I have Burning Man. I finally finished my errands. I have two art projects to finish, clean the land cruiser, grocery shopping and then the final pack. Not to mention cleaning the room so that I have a beautiful place to crash when I return 9 days later and light years evolved.

In my absence from the web (there is a slight chance, I'll find wifi on the playa - if so, I will be sure to blog) I have some stuff cued up. Enjoy and maybe see ya on the playa. Feel free to send me postcards, letter, self addressed stamped envelopes to my playa address.

Heathervescent
Tazii Camp in Sanctuary Village
4:30 and Catharsis
c/o BRCPO
Burning Man
Gerlach, NV 89412

For every SAS padded envelope, I'll tell you how to get your heart's desire and include a fair quantity of playa dust. Consider it your 21st century pixie dust.

creative overload

It's the 11th hour and my creativity for burning man has completely and utterly exploded today. Highlights of the day included (in addition to working on my company)

• Learning the Michael Jackson Thriller Dance
• Creating the curriculum for the class I am teaching at Burning Man: How to get your Heart's Desire
• Decorating my bike (although I still need to pump the tires)
• Created Teletubbie Darumas (I want to make some more too)
• Started working on my I-Ching box, poster
• Figured out HOW I'm doing I-Ching readings at Burning Man
• Made my project materials to take to the playa list

I've been high off the energy all day. I love it when my creativity flows so easily. Now I just need to find a bike - or roof rack.

Dream night

I'm totally going to sleep here. Who want's to go on the next world party to Sweden? Lars - bust out your bodyguard outfit and plan to be my translator. Now I definately have a goal for 2006. So much for India!

miripolsky's in the house

or my bathroom actually. Andre came over for dinner Friday night and wore the most fabulous turquoise shirt. It matched my bathroom, so I took a pictures. G and I had nice conversation and heard about many of his adventures and syncronicities. It's always fun to hear how someone's life turns out to be a dream come true.

on detachment

Because I want to remember this paragraph, I post it here.

Detachment is not the same as not caring.  It's harder, for one thing, because it requires a conscious effort to avoid slipping into not caring; it requires a level of awareness that is intentionally left out when not caring.  I think there's a trick to being detached and keeping the channels open and listening in on them and reacting rightly.
- mb

aimless wandering

I could be stranged out by the events of the past few days. A hike up to the Hollywood sign. I jumped the fence and stood in front the the big H, looking over a reservoir having a conversation with the wind King Crimson style. I walked the length of the big letters, watched a hawk play slingshot with the wind and then shoot down into Hollywood like a hot blast of wind running down the mountain, Alan Ginsberg style (or was it Ezra Pound?). Coffee morning at Santa Monica beach, breathing the cold air, watching the sea, listening to surfers set up. Gummies, bacon and eggs. Aimless driving in my convertible. A visit to playa del ray. Irritation. Unsettled. Anxiety. It could be weird if I reacted to it or thought about it, so I just decided that regardless of how I might think, I'm going to accept it and continue wandering.

potential pet peeve of heather

I like to think about habits and things I do that would really drive someone else crazy. Here's another one: Not putting the CDs back in their proper cases. I do have a basic way of organizing my CDs. I have some in cases and some in a a black CD organizer case. Then I have a stack of CDs next the main stereo upstairs. A couple CDs in and out of their cases by the boombox in my bedroom. Then I have a couple of egg crates in my lair with CDs in CD cases (these are mostly for my radio show). So, they are kind of all over the place. So I can totally understand that when you want to listen to a particular something-something you can't always find it. And that can be slightly disappointing, especially since I haven't been able to find the new radicals CD for years and I really loved it. Then again, I still have Clint's Black Crow's CD and I have no idea how I ended up with it.

Anyway, there you have it - another potential pet peeve of a co-habitator.

Burning man costumes 2005

The room is a mess, but I've got a whole slew of fabulous costumes put together for burning man. You'll have to join me on the playa to see em in person.

reflections of self

This is one of the most amazing women I know. I met her on one of my business trips to HQ when I worked for the big corporate behemoth. The drop in cubes for my team ended up being near hers. I couldn't spell her last name for a really long time, but I loved the way she shortened it. And she always had the most fabulous sense of fashion and excitement and pictures of far off places. I wish we lived closer together or were able to spend more time outside of work, but our relationship has not suffered even though we haven't worked together for almost 2 years.

I just got caught up on her blog and wow - it's like reading my own. All I can say, is that I'm rooting for you. Please come visit the future soon. Love, Heather.

There's my decision.  I live in alternate realities, one where my relationship with this person works out, the other where I am living a free and open life filled with experiences, friendship, love and community.  I want them both.  The past has told me I cannot have both, at least if I continue a life with this one person.  I deserve both.  I shall have both, keep the faith, girl.  She'll come your way.

when dreams come true

I'm standing on a dry hillside. The sun is hot. It's been beating down for the several hours and the wind brings the hot pine smell from the canyons. I love it. It's a warm comfort in my nose. In front of me are three lines of people along ropes. All will be using the strength they have cultivated in their arms and minds. There has been much work to prepare for this day, and I will not pretend that I am a key bolt in the project. I lent my vision, my belief. But this was not my dream.

Ropes creak, tighten, metal groans. Pick-axes and rebar in the dirt as we sit in the shade for a brief rest. A return of hands and the settling of metal as it slowly rises. All quiet except for it's first gurgling breaths. Settling. Counter-pulling. And then three pads of metal rest on the dusty soil of the San Gabriel Mountains, holding up something from a dream.

I know the feeling of a standing ovation. And I've been on the other side clapping many times. I've had my dreams come true. Knowing it even as the dream unfolds. It's just as exciting to experience someone else's dream unfolding. Seeing in their face the radiance of ... manifestation.

There's still a lot of work, planning, transport, preparation and places for things to go awry. But like with any dream, where you've jumped off the cliff, the only step is the one in front of you. That's the irony of the fool card. Yes, you are jumping into an abyss, but that abyss is life.

relationship coffee and the wildcard

As Moki and I were walking around the fountain in Griffith Park tonight my thoughts wandered to relationships. It was probably prompted because I started thinking about my outing with Moki as a date. I was pondering the two items I sent back to the only Fiancee I ever had last week. And that was not a clean break and I sent those two items with a very distinct purpose. Multiple purposes actually. And I started thinking about a messy situation I happen to have gotten myself in. Messy with no judgment attached - just messy and complicated and simple at the same time. And often utterly frustrating. And since I'm walking the dog, my mind wanders up to Oakland and a dog walker I had a short but tense friendship with and his words that echo in my mind more than I'd like them too - his words turned into a vision of a bridge, just sitting there, entropy at work. Chuckling to myself that here I am, walking a dog in Los Angeles under pine trees.

And as all these men are percolating through my brain (with a few others) I'm thinking, what the hell am I thinking, thinking a relationship is gonna last? There's the beginning, the middle, the end of the relationship. And that of course gets me thinking, why do I even BOTHER with relationships? (Which is something I'm sure everyone has thought of at one time or another.) And I know the answer anyway. And I know I like people and having relationships. And I go into these relationships not thinking about the end. Or that the end is not only a possibility but inevitable. Right? All relationships end - some lucky enough with death. (OK, I know we can all get philosophical and esoteric and I am the first to go down that route, but please, let's just put those possibilities on hold for the moment, ok. Thank you.)

And in the back of my mind, like horrible hope in Pandora's box is the voice holding up a little flag, waving it slightly saying: "burning man". Like it's trying to get my attention and I'm specifically ignoring it. Let's see what the man brings this year. That's the wild card.

date with the dog

It's Friday night in Los Angeles here over at Heather's house and I've just returned from my first date with the dog. He's been sporadically under the weather since Gloria left earlier this week, so I thought I would try to distract him with an interesting evening.

Started out with a nice drink on the deck - water: sparkling for me, still for Moki. Then I got my shoes on and the leash - and the blanket. No, not just an ordinary walk around the neighborhood up to three stumps - we had already done that for the sunset. This was going to be special.

I was tired of driving the truck and didn't really feel like driving Gloria's car, and I felt that, why not be festive and take the dog on a date, so we took the convertible. Moki wanted to sit in the back chauffeur style, but I would not let him have it. Front seat boy - we're on a date!

This proved to add some excitement later in the evening. First stop - Von's - grocery shopping. Instead of pressuring him with potential grocery store incompatibility, I left him in the car while I picked up some things, including meat based biscuits! I busted those out before we left the parking lot. Next stop was the fountain at Griffith Park. We meandered around the park walking on the soft grass and pine needles.

Then I dragged Moki off to the fountain where I circumnavigated it walking on the wall. He was very interested in the water and I had visions of us both falling in and heading back soaked wet - but that was just a fantasy. Up to this point I had the top up and I felt like Moki might like a ride around Silverlake with the top down - so zip, down it went.

This is not the first time Moki has been in a convertible, nor my convertible, so I knew it was nothing special. Still we drove around listening to the Doors. And then, all of a sudden my windows started going down - and then up and then I noticed the convertible top going up and I realized that Moki's paw was laying on the center console. (You see, the Saab has it all in the center: key, window controls, stick shift, parking break, roof button) and Moki was practically laying on top of all of it.

This was more pressure than I felt like dealing with, plus the ice cream in the back was probably melting, so I booked it home up the hill before getting any new surprises.

And now, after another biscuit, Moki is crashed out on his blanket and I'm here at the computer telling you all about it. Who needs a boyfriend?

dreams of power

All night I slept entwined in my dreams. A companion I cannot remember. Driving through a city not unlike Los Angeles and a sports team called Power. The clues dropping in front of me like a video game, stop ahead signs written on the pavement. I'm flying. Swooping in the lines in the air. Catching them. Swinging like a spider or chelidon.

Life is getting more complicated, intertwined, twisted up with possibilities and it is simple at the same time. Choose, be, watch, act. Each step opens and closes doors. Each step is a moment of beginnings, endings, middles. Each step has possibilities. My role/job is to live a possibility, at every possible moment. The possibility is up to me.

Note to self: For some people, seeing objects in the shop is enough to know that they exist, without the necessity of acquiring them. For me, seeing possible futures extrapolated various time lines is enough. I don't necessarily have to live them. I've seen them. And there are so many possibilities.

another goal bites the dust

This week officially marks the completion of another goal on Heather's 2005 todo list.

"Get a kitten/gecko/bird."

Well. Let's just say that I didn't actually get one of those kinds of pets this week. It's been more of a slow process of affection acquired, with this week as the official end of break-in period. You see the only man that lives in the house is Moki - a german shephard mix. He's got a a bark and growl to match his teeth. And I'm his human.

Looking back at that list, I still haven't taken a tango lesson (but I did learn welding), I haven't gone out of the country (not sure if that will happen this year), and I still need to plant some cala lillies. Other than that, I'm all checkmarks.

hanging out

Sat night I spent just generally hanging out. I spent most of the day cranking on my company and went up to Mayor Jim's to check on the uberman progress. The uberman is a project I'm somewhat helping out with for Burning Man. Work was finishing up when I arrived with some beers and Tiramisu. The conversation took its twists and turns, I staying in most of the science geek side with the ritualistic discussion of tech companies and start-ups, moving on to Eraserhead, strange food combinations and aerosol meat and other topics I can't remember. Home to the casa I love to crash in the morning dawn only to wake up to coffee and Sam Spade on the patio.

I really had a great time. The conversation was fun and it was great to watch everyone talk and contribute and see how it twisted around. I thought quietly to myself, that I'm happy to get to know these people and I really like them. It's nice to have found people I can relax with and just enjoy living in the moment.

on self

When you don't have anything to defend - there's no reason being defensive.

sometimes the fridgeis full, sometimes empty

wreckless gone awry

Today has been a train wreck. Checking the visitor stats to this site, google led me to the story of Shawna Yager. When I had my car towed back to LA from Agoura Hills, when the clutch died last year, the tow-truck driver told me the story of how he pulled her car up. I didn't know her name or her full story, but I recogonize the details he told me. It's familiar and one I wouldn't mind living - in a different reality. If I think egoconsciously, it's a life I have lived - and you have as well.

I was looking for a post I thought I wrote in my blog and stumbled upon these words from Sept 10, 2004.

--> Forgiveness dissolves tension and promotes patience.
--> Gravity = the Attraction of Mass for itself
--> Love = the Attraction of Life for itself

I blog to remember myself. I blog to remember my life. I blog to evolve. My blog charts my evolution. And I do remember myself, my life and generally evolve into what will eventually dissipate into the ether.

back in my lair

The home network has been down for a couple weeks due to networking issues. The Mac was having trouble talking to the router and G and I have been taking turns buddy breathing off the ethernet connection. Deadlines and travel have post-poned me getting technical, but yesterday I took the plunge. I can usually get myself out of a technical bind, knowing just enough to get into some hot water, but Mac network preference setting was unknown to me. My networking experience has been only on the PC platform. How do I do ipconfig on a Mac? After a few hours, some tech support and hard resetting the router, I got the network back up. Wifi network is back in the ether.

This means I'm back in my office lair. A cozy room in the house under the front door, half-way under ground. It has most of my favorite things, toys, clothes, computer equipment, files, shoes. It's my den. My secret hideaway in my house. It feels good to be back in here.

it's official!

It's finally official. I'm a single again. No more commitment. No husband, and mortgage and two cats. Oh, wait, now I have a mortgage, a dog and a roommate. My how things change and still stay the same. Tonight I celebrate on my radio show. Tune in. My perverse mind is planning a wedding dead pool. How long until I slip another ring on my finger. It's amazing I don't recoil in terror at even the thought. I give myself 3 years. or 30.

sexy bitches

Wow. Wow. Wow! This link is just to remind myself of this site.

Where's my half and half?

Somewhere up north I got on an early morning schedule, so back home it's up early. Rummaging around the kitchen I find we are almost out of coffee. I'm able to scrounge up barely enough caffeinated grounds and some decaf to make a strong pot. The brew is done and open the refrigerator to find bare shelves and a plethora of milk products in the cheese drawer. No goat cheese in the coffee. So I get the sugar. I don't usually drink my coffee with sugar, but I can barely stand it without frothy creaminess. Oh well. This morning I'll pour the sweet cobbled together brew until I jump in the shower and get myself to Trader Joes Silverlake for some hipster viewing pleasure.

Play by today's rules or change the game? (from Blogher)

Play by today's rules or change the game?

not showing up in search results? (women's search engine)

play the game because it's out there.
want to be an "A" list. know we can't make a living on it
play by the rules and not check yourself at the door. (how much of yourself do you check at

the door.)

Haley:
blogging is about not playing by the rules
brand new medium. kicking convential play by the rules by the ass
(if blogging is not playing by the rules, why/how have convential rules been applied?

categorized, linking, popularization, top 100, etc.)

arent' the top 100 if they were better bloggers.
do we want to be on that list.
innovate beyond the list. (how?)

What are the rules of the game:
- this conference changes the rules
my rules of the game
- have to network (tell people you need, tell people what you can give) How you can help

them. Tell people what they need. good at networking. links and viaiblity
- be revelant
- be unique

(charlene, forrester blog)

Haley: networking is spot on
any link love or traffic, came like this: I in the beginning, bloggers and asked them to

mention the stuff I am writing. sometimes yes, no, go away. and then I ask again.
"women don't ask" shocked that people don't ask me to link. women don't ask.

A list counts to the press. In the tail - doesn't count.
A lot of people in the A list are friends and technologists -creators of the blogging

technology.

black puertio rican womand: Guys's won't link. the link circle jerk.
do we care about playing the technoratie work - consortium blogs. not just one person blog.

someone from the audience: I don't look at the technorati 100 - don't gpo to the recommended

list. I go in and look into the search terms.

Reach a broader group of people.

A list is NOT technorati 100 - my A list is different per person. Network, be relevant, be

unique.

Interested in my niche issues.
The men are not writing about the issues that I write about.

Technorati - maybe lists the top churn issues/topics.

Women in pink from the back: Do we need to validated by trational media, technorati, the A

list?
Why do we waste time,
Response: how much future could you go if you get noticed?

Dana Boyl - women don't social network - (misbehaving.net)
women - build dense network
men - weak ties
linking is equal tie structure. they ways we use th
what rules do we operate in? - change technology, by tags,

new code, mechanisms, for validatingg questions.

Amy - contentious.
bloggers don't tihnk about their goals. what do you want to achieve by communicating. be

clear about your goals.

blogging to make change on a local level. - we became the source, ahead of hte mainstream

media, broke the story. wasn't about traffic, was about something we were trying to do in

the world. Revelant and becoming the source. We became the media. Credibility. Not most

popular overall. Makes you the source on that topic - what you care about. Dina level.

www.safemeetingwireless.org.)

Melinda Gibson: hiddentruth.com
BOF: traditional media, can we save it, do we want to save it? publishers are dying for

diversity of voices. take an issue or a stand.the press began as a marketplace of ideas,

aspires to share truth.

Need for diversity. LA times, no women contributers. code -

short term -
long term - change the code of the tools

Mable lee - picture marketing .com - ceo. white man's rules.

the blog is a whole new your
your sphere of influence. it's our voices/opinions.
a new metric for women's voices.

lizrizzo - everyday goddess.net. collaborative blogs.
want more versions of hte technorati 100.
I'm looking for individual voices.
more specific types of lists.

weblogs.inc - photoshop blog - jan kabill
a specific thing to be one of those blogs in my field. joining a network will get me links.

I write for them. join up in networks. take the helm

caren luk - work for MS.
defining what your A list is. connect hte people in your industry.
does it matter to be the most popular person in the world? will that make you successful?

grow your business? 50% women helping to develop the products. change from the inside.
shape the rules.

new networks
new code

Koan. daily blogher tag.
Technorati doesn't do what it says it does.

Nial Kenndy from technorati.
do not remove any tags. DMCA issues.
ping based service to get updated.
every 24 hours, what is the update schedule:
harvest blog: blogger has a change log
5 minutes come grab you. in the morning is the spike... 15-20min aroung 10am
different services

mary hodder.
general link counting.
scrape on the front of your blog,including the blogroll.
community algorythim - to express what it means to blog within a community topically and

communities of people who link together but don't blog about similartopics. to express our

convesation than inboundlink. inbound links is a throwback to old media method. when we have

digital technology possiblity to create algo that don't just include one method but other

comments, link out. would like to help what those things are. tell me what matters to them

sociall y about their online activities to transfer into an algorythm and ask them to give

us a list that is reflect of conversation and topic areas. www.napsterization.com

networks of choice. i don't want to make a network with you because I think you are an

idiot. who we are choosing to talk to. not make bonds - theflink

marion douglas - marion's blog - coming out colored - blog internationally. small group of

people. write about africa, america, the asia. speak 5 languages, multi-lingual bloggging.   

communities of color that people don't know anything about. are real people.

Lena Trott. president of 6 apart. livejornal is about 72% female. 72% under 21 and are

growing up.

movable type/typepad - 50/50. women using our tools. not just for politics. writing about

myself because I knew that topic best. often dismissed, mena trott... meg, caterina, high

positioned women in social software - always thrown out (shelly powers - critical of women)

about being a foundation sponsor. I don't write about the women in the company. don't hear

the positive people. don't be too critical for women doing it.

welcome to blogher

Hello blogstalkers, I'm sitting in the atrium of the TechMart in San Jose. I'm drinking a cup of coffee, checking my email and wearing my blogstalker t-shirt that I made yesterday. I wore it to the blogher dinner last night and it was a bit hit. I ran into some old friends, Susan Mernit and Mary Hodder. And had a bunch of conversations about blogging, of course. G and I were going to hang out after the dinner but as we headed back to the hotel room, the stress of the day came down hard and it was all we could do to drag ourselves to bed. We had a 6am wake-up call the next day.

another fabulous morning

Another fabulous fresh morning with the sweet air, coffee and iTunes. A quick check on the email and a blog post before a jump in the shower, throw a couple more things in the backpack. Pack it in the trunk, put the top down, riding gloves on, SPF, 6 new CDs in the changer and then it's time to shift it into 5th gear for a long haul up the grapevine and into the San Joaquin valley tires kissing pavement, eyes envying the sparkling blue river of LA water on it's trip south. I love road trips.