heathervescent

Just me an tha snakes!

So it's just me and snakes in the house tonight. The boas downstairs have been freaking me out lately with poses primed for attack (and recent strike at my whiteboard a few weeks back) and have me on edge. I went crazy and bought them some new toys the other day, but I've been too afraid to put them in their cage.  They're dark and ready to shed, so I surprise them with sprays of water. I like to put my face next to their glass cage and tell them sweet nothings.

Upstairs it's little Magellan hidden under his rock. What he doesn't realize is my desk is made of glass - the same as his cage so I can play Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom and check up him in his hidey hole. I'm sure he's tired of all the spider songs I've been downloading for my spider mix for the CD exchange on Sunday.

Blasts from the Pasts

About a month ago, I got an IM in Portuguese from a name I recognized, although I had never seen in print. More than 10 years ago I spent more than a summer living in Fortaleza, Brazil. It was a life transforming experience.

Most of those relationships didn't stick to the states. This was before pervasive webmail and social networks. Only a few university students had email. I only kept in touch with one person back in the states, and after a few years that relationship connection wained.

So when Orkut went Brazilian, my old friends started to find me. It was a trip to get random messages from friends I hadn't spoken to in 10 years. Recently I've been IMing with one of my friends from down there. It's cool to be back in touch, although my typed Portuguese is probably far worse than my spoken. But we understand each other enough, and it's somewhat comforting to have that connection again.

--

After that story, it's hardly worth a mention, but when I was in Boston last week, in a swanky hotel restaurant waiting for the rest of the crew, in walks the sister of one of my x-boyfriends. She didn't act like she recognized me, but it was quite a surprise for me to recognize her.

--

It makes me wonder of all the people I haven't met, who will blast me from the past, in some future.

Heathervescent goes Mobile

Everything is going mobile these days, and I am too. Now you can read this blog on your mobile phone via WINKsite. Just visit this URL (http://winksite.com/heathervesce/heather) on your mobile phone and you can read my post anywhere.

Click the link below to see how it might look on your phone. Check it out, let me know what you think.

Happy to be Home

Ah, home. What a funny word. Last week was one of the most intense, challenging, exciting and life-changing weeks I've had in a while. One week of super compressed activities. I came away intoxicated on the energy, possibilities and activities.

I spent two days in big conference rooms 30 stories above the city. Then I walked around in an ancient cemetery, donned my celebratory jewelry and had very interesting conversations deep into the night in different neighborhoods of Boston.

I jumped on a plane and instead of staying high in the heartland, I descended into Denver. My stop over was short enough to pick up the New York Times, where I had been quoted in an article. Paper under my arm, I boarded a flight to an old flame - San Jose.

I haven't strayed north in a while. I pressed my face against the window. I recognized Mono Lake and the many motorcycle roads, familiar to Lady Knight, retired back in Hollywood. We flew over Yosemite, the San Joaquin valley, into the fields of gold, over the hills of gold, south of San Jose and made our approach. I have great memories of the Bay Area, but I like to keep them as memories. As we descended I was filled with a mixture of excitement and yet anxiety. But I was happy to be back. I had forgotten the hills of gold. Those smooth mountains with the occasional live oak. I hadn't realized that I had missed them.

Off to the next adventure - BlogHer. I attended last year and this year I was doing a workshop on the basics of blogging. For some reason, I was more nervous about this session than the two days of conference room meetings. Luckily for me, my workshop was one of the first sessions, so I could get it over with and go onto enjoying the conference.

Workshop came and went fabulously. Then time really compressed. What happened in linear reality of 2 days, felt like a week. Saturday session came and went and it was time for part 2 of Saturday - meeting up with my friend pinky. I crashed her brother's wedding party and played with the flaming lotus girl's angel of the Apocalypse from Burning Man last year. Then we crashed A+D's mini-bootie at DNA.

Oh, the mixed feelings I had in SOMA.

Sunday was the long drive home, after catching up with an old friend. I arrived exhausted, with more baggage than I started out with, but home and happy to West Hollywood.

I've missed LA. I love it here. I'm so happy to be home.

Blogher - Getting caught up

  P1010017 
  Originally uploaded by smiely.

Here is Susan Mernit and I getting caught up after a year break. What crazy stories we had to tell. And blogher is just about to begin. Whew.

Cherry Pie

  Cherry Pie 
  Originally uploaded by heathervescent.

This is an example of uploading an image from Flickr. Yum, pie from pie n burger in Pasadena.

Here is some text I added from Typepad.

Blogs of Interest (for Bloghers)

Hello out there. It's the night before Blogher starts and I'm busy putting the final touches on my topics for discussion for tomorrow. First on the agenda is a blog tour. I want to show you some site in my blogosphere and let's talk about what technology was used to create them and how that affects the look of the site.

• Pinkyracer on LiveJournal
• Be Reckless on Typepad
• Daily Mantra - custom designed site on MT
• Blogging.la - multiple-author community site on MT
• Engadget - snarky product review
• Treehugger - green product review site
• The Candy Blog - YUM!
• and of course, our beloved Blogher site utilizing Drupal.

And of course, you're looking at this site right now which is authored on Typepad. So, let's get on with the show...

Blogher next week!

Yikes, it's just hit me, Blogher is next weekend. Well, next Friday and Sat actually. Where did this week go? Where did July go? Jeeze, where did this year go?

baseline arrival

I'm feeling a bit restless this moment. It's because I have finally somewhat gotten on top of my slew of projects. The BIG ONE, the ongoing one, a couple for friends, the writings and some travel. I sold the saab and feel like I'm entering a new .... level - plateau - cycle - system of my life. The words Baseline Arrival keep turning in my head. But I don't feel like I've reached a baseline. But at the same time I feel like I've reached a baseline - again and de novo. It's a strange feeling. A sort of deja vu. I've been by this road before, but it's a different road this time.

the expanding universe

If the universe is constantly expanding and we are part of the universe, then doesn't it seem likely that we  choose in which way to expand the universe? If we want to explore one or another part of the unknown universe, it's up to us, to move in that direction and make the unknown known.

All My Childhood Posessions for Sale on Craigslist

I told my mom about Craigslist a few months ago. She wanted to sell some stuff and I suggested she check it out. She didn't have a digital camera, so I ordered her one from Amazon. This was just the beginning.

In the past month, I've heard of the many stories mom has had selling her stuff on Craigslist. From the Nigerian scam artist (that we craigslisters know so well) asking her to quote her shipping her couch sectional set to Nigeria to two firemen who exchanged yard work for her bookcase set. Mom is getting the full Craigslist experience, I only fear the day she stumbles into the casual encounters room (which I only once dared to enter).

I've known about CL from almost the beginning. My first job after college was in SOMA in San Francisco at a 3D VRML company. I was the bottom of the totem pole, but I worked with some interesting people. One of them turned me onto Craigslist - Linda Branagan. I got on the list when there were 4 categories and still SF focused. I experienced the evolution - the explosion into multiple lists, going to the web, more categories, more cities, fees for job postings and beyond. I'm like a lot of people; I've gotten jobs, bought and sold cars, motorcycles, found sublets and more on it. My move to LA could not have happened as smoothly as it did without craigslist.

But now, it's changing my life yet again. All my childhood possessions are for sale on the Kansas City Craigslist. My mom is closing up house and moving to the West Coast. The bedroom set they bought for me in the 1970's is for sale. Along with a lot more stuff mom doesn't want to move.

It's an interesting feeling, my mom using craigslist. Technology has come so far in 10 years and is getting integrated into humanity. Perhaps even some day evolving us. But for now, you can buy the bed nine year old Heather slept in, on Craigslist, an email list a 22 year old Heather used 10 years ago.

The World I Want

I want to buy an extremely expensive piece of jewelry. A piece that costs as much as a nice mid-size car. I've had this goal for several years. I don't expect to do it anytime soon, but I like to think about it time to time. I envision going to a jeweler and picking out stones for a custom creation. I imagine getting it in a red velvet box. I envision wearing it as an everyday piece or perhaps offroading in my custom $25,000 necklace.

But I don't want to wait. I want to experience this now.

So I decided to surprise myself. Exploring Boston I ran into my favorite jewelery store. I had forgotten about it. (I hadn't been to Boston in 6+ years.) I found some pieces I really loved. But I couldn't come up with a good reason to get them. So I left them in their glass cases.

I couldn't stop thinking about them and how much I liked them. The next day, we found ourselves near the store again. It was pouring rain as we ran across the brick. I again stared at the rubber and steel creations, wondering how I could convince myself to buy them. I racked my brain and then an idea popped into it. A job well done, deserves a celebration. I would have something to celebrate in a couple weeks. 

I picked out a necklace, a bracelet and a ring. I had them wrapped in gold boxes. And when I returned to Los Angeles last night, I put them in the back of my closet. They'll stay there until the time comes to open them. And when that happens, I'll remove them from their gold boxes, I'll put them on my body and enjoy them; celebrating my job well done. My $25,000 jewels can wait.

Make the Beaten Path

I should be used to magical things happening to me, but I'm still surprised when I experience it.

I spent 3 days straight with a new business colleague. We've been working together on a new project and I've extremely impressed with so much. She's smart, fun and we get along "like a house on fire". I haven't had this fun with tech work since 1999!

We're half-way through day 3. We've finished our meetings and are doing some last minute shopping before catching a cab to Logan airport and then the West Coast. For some reason all the on-ramps and tunnels are closed (not the one that collapsed) and our taxi driver is getting more and more frustrated. We're driving all around Boston. We swing by the conference center, back through downtown and then I see Boston Commons and the airport is the opposite direction. We've been in the cab for 40 minutes and our flight leaves in 50.

I keep calm. I know the technique our driver is using: leaving the herd to make a wide sweeping turn. But to do that you have to break really far away. Find the crack, the clear cow path and accelerate out of problems. Make the beaten path. I sit back and close my eyes. I meditate on a clear path and feel my body pressed against the seat because we're accelerating - out - of - problems! I continue to meditate until airplane exhaust fills my nostrils. It's been about 15 minutes and we've arrived to an empty airport. We zip through security and have a short wait at the gate before embarking.

My colleague and I have booked window and aisle seats in hope that our middle passenger doesn't appear. We're busy chatting away as the plane loads and our B seat arrives. She's this quiet, cute 14 year old that looks like Scarlett Johansson. A question popped out of my mouth and the three of us spend the next 6 hours talking, laughing and watching TV together. It was the kind of airplane ride that changes your life - all three of them. Someday that ride will go down in history - but for now - it's a secret. For a time.

This Man is Amazing

I do not know enough about him. Nikola Tesla.

Boston talks

I took a break after noon today to take a walk in the city - Boston. I walked out the door, cross the street and see a bunch of people flocking around a black guy with a Maori like face tattoo. They are pointing camera phones and snapping pictures and I think it must be because of the tattoo. As I pass by I get a good look - I'm intrigued by the face tattoo - and I recognize Mike Tyson. Just here, walking on the streets of Boston by the old courthouse.

So I wander down to Quincy market and look at all the yummy foods, but don't feel like eating anything. So I'm wandering around and I keep hearing these big crashing noises and I'm thinking, wow - there's a lot of construction going on. But then I realize it's not construction at all - it's Thunder!

I make it back to the office with tiny sprinkles on my head, only to get up to the 31st floor in time for the show to begin. The theatre gets dark with clouds covering the entire palette of downtown Boston, then the light show begins and the cymbals crash. It's gorgeous, beautiful, I'm electrified and energized even as I finish up my meetings.

I'm totally digging on Boston today. I'm even imagining living here in one of the small 4 story brick buildings. Surrounded by the history and the freedom the United States represents.

Moving Writer's Block

I've been a writer for years. I've been writing daily for several years with some short breaks. But recently these breaks have gotten bigger, longer and more difficult. I haven't admitted that I've had writer's block - because I think writer's block is stupid and easily dealt with - but I've been having my first case of writer's block. It's truly sucked. I haven't been motivated to write - even small amounts or tidbits. The tiny drips and drops of words I've written have utterly sucked in my mind. To the point that I'm disgusted with my ability. What happened to the word flow? What happened to my connection? what happened to my ability to twist experiences into words into images? Argh! A flowing river of cement.

Well, I'm done with that. I'm coming out of the blockage and making my fingers flow. At least, I hope so.

Consuming the Crap?

So I've been making these cross-country trips from LA to Boston quite a bit this month. It's been hard on the schedule, slightly disrupting but exciting none-the-less. This morning I spent another 5 hours in a metal tube.

This trip I entertained myself with bad hair rock videos (Poison, Cinderella, White Stripes, and other the like I don't even know the name of) and reality TV shows. I think this is the most TV I've watched all year.

Even though this stuff is complete and utter crap in my book - I still got a lot out of it. It was a walk down history (although not mine) and a view into current television. And it was inspiring. I took notes the entire time.

Loopy like a new mom

The past month, I've been gestating something. Yesterday, I pulled it sticky and sweet from the ether. One moment it was a concept in the unknown, the next it was dripping in my hand - a physical manifestation. A perfect evolution.

I was in love with it from first conception. Since then, I've been using every single trick in my book from riding the birth high. There's just so much more to do. The birth is the beginning. Yes, it will be a challenge to keep it safe and grow, but we've gotten this far already. First impossible hurdle, hurdled.

So Lars, you asked, what's on the stage. I am, and in my hands I have something fragile, that I can't yet show off. And for some reason, I really want to keep this a secret. Maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived as all new parents are.

Timetravel Timelines

A few months ago I saw a great movie on time travel, called Primer. The first time I saw it, I was so freaked out by the possibilities it was hard to go to sleep. The movie twists on itself and I didn't dare to try to figure  out every angle, until this timeline was pointed out to me. And now, I definitely want to see it again.

Coffee-Chocolate!

I've returned to the morning habit of coffee-chocolate, although I'm not using the decadent recipe on that page.

I like to switch up habits and although I enjoy my morning coffee, I do change the ways I make it. left Currently I use a red 4 cup Melita coffee filter holder and filter. I boil the water in a kettle on the stove and pour it over the ground coffee directly into the cup. When I want chocolate-coffee, I add rich hot chocolate mix to the cup. Then I might add honey or cream.  It takes about 5 minutes to make a single cup. And about 2 minutes to drink it. I think I might have to make another cup this morning!

Campfire Stories

I went to camp for two summers when I was in middle school. The camp had two tribes and all attendees were put into one or the other. Towards the end of the session there was an event where the tribes battled against each other. (Probably for who got to eat ice cream after dinner.) The battle was played at night, and there was a central tower all lit up, surrounded by team B. Inside the tower was a representative from team A. The rest of team A was spread out in the surrounding fields. The point was to get through the adversary team to meet your rep in the tower and collect a chip. However you could get caught and held hostage by the other team. After a period of time, the teams switched places. At the end, the chips were tallied and the team with the most chips won.

The first year I played, I spent the entire time crawling with two colleagues through the grass. We never made it to the tower, but we didn’t get caught either. We slowly stalked and crawled the entire time... stealthy, but not actually reaching our goal before time was up. The first year, I was disappointed that I didn't get in on any of the action. I think my team won, but I didn't really feel like I contributed much to it.

The second year I was determined to act differently. I made sure I was up in the front and I took as many risks as possible. I was untouchable. I got through the other team's line over and over and collected many chips. I would return to my team leader with a chip and immediately go back out. I'd grab colleagues and take them to the tower with me. I think I ended up bringing in the most individual chips. I was completely and utterly unstoppable. My team won again, but this time, instead of crawling through the grass, I brought home the trophy.

Hit the Sky Flying

Someone a while back accused me of nipping at the heels of the big dogs. I've never seen myself as a run with the dogs type of person. I'm a lone wolf. I watch the pack from the trees and interact as necessary; I am my own pack with my own direction. When I identify with animals it's been of the big cats or raptor variety. I love the sky and the possibilities when you take a leap and jump into the wind.

My life has been a combination of climbing mountains and jumping off them. I enjoy the climb. The challenges that come along the way. The things I learn and the tools I acquire. Constantly learning, modifying, adjusting and reaccessing. Here again, I find myself at a flat mountain top and I can't but help raise my head and set my sight on the sky.

hiding in the wings

I played around with theatre, arts and performance in my time. Most people who know me expect me to be the actress type, wanting to be out on the stage in front of everyone getting a standing ovation. This is not so in reality.

In my theatre days, I was almost exclusively behind the scenes. I'd find, create and set up props, backdrops, costumes, make-up. I'd wear black and change the sets as the performers would run off the stage for a frantic costume change. I'd stay behind after the show was over cleaning up, prepping for the next night. Putting things in order, while most were out celebrating or partying or something. But then everyone would be gone. The stage would be in order and I'd stand in the wings. Looking out on the set. I'd walk out and look at row upon empty row. In awe at the open empty space. I never pretended I was acting or in the performance. If I really wanted to perform, I would have. (And I did a few times when I wanted to.) I preferred the silent set. Devoid of motion. Static. And yet, all the possibilities.

But they weren't my possibilities. Or were they, as soon as I came out from watching in the wings? Maybe that's what the second part of kicking ass in 2006 is all about. Maybe it's time to stop hiding in the wings. Time to stop setting up the scenes. Time to stop practicing my kicks. And time to start showing them off. 10 days to curtain rise.

open wide sky

I can hear the tumble and rumble of thunder from my hotel room and although I have been up for 12 hours and am exhausted, I am exhilarated, excited and about to jump out of my hotel room.

The rain is coming down and I'm sitting in a plush overstuffed chair watching the wind whip the trees. It's been so long since I have been in this part of the country. The last time, I said goodbye. I've missed the moisture and greenery and adventures. I used to drive the abandoned highways around the airport and get myself lost in horse trails. I remember the deer vertebrae I found one afternoon, while hiking in high heels after a day of tough meetings. I remember the battlefield I explored after battling in HQ conference rooms. The temporal friends I met hiking in Shenandoah and our subsequent event in DC clubs. I remember my trips to Alexandria to meet with old friends. People I have long since lost touch with. Extravagant dinners, awkward pauses. Evening phone calls to a different home, a different city, a different life. I remember these times with joy - for one instant, because I am present, and I am planning the future.

I have returned. And I am greeted by the plush rain, sky alight with nature's fireworks: crash and flash and grey sheets of rain. It's not a homecoming, but a return to long list of successes. A beginning in familiar soil. This time, I fully intend to create the road to success, instead of tread on one laid out by executives.

where's the silence?

I'm usually blasting music in my car as I'm driving, but I've started taking a break. I crave silence. My head is bursting with the noise of the city. The cars on the street, the dogs barking, sirens and helicopters. Where is the quietude?

Mrow

Last night at dinner with some friends, the boyfriend brought up ligers and I've spent this morning looking at pictures and reading about them online. Wow - what amazing animals. I've always been a fan of the Tiger and other big cats (although I'm less a fan of Lions). Ligers grow to be larger than either lions or tigers. They love to swim and have both spots and stripes.

That's it, I've declared the Liger my new power animal. Watch out! Mrow.

Two Years Later

Two years ago I returned to Los Angeles. I woke up in a strange bed, I breathed new air. I stalked new streets and neighborhoods. I started a new chapter in my life. I hit the reset button and sat down to my creation machine. I created a new costume. One filled with pedicures, partnerships, sparkling eyeliner, manual vehicles and more. I kept the familiar talismans of coffee and the desert always nearby. But I mostly wandered around the mall that is Los Angeles, looking into different shops, trying on different clothes, learning new products, paths and possibilities. But ultimately I was not in the market for a new personality.

The time of exploration is winding down. It's time to sharpen the sword, which has barely been used to keep the rust off. I've gotten battered around a bit, because I was focused on exploring and openness and I took my armor off. It's time to pull my leathers out of the closet and oil them up. Add new baubles and mend seams. Modify the old style to match my new landscape.

"Do not require a description of the countries towards which you sail. The description does not describe them to you and tomorrow you arrive there and know them by inhabiting then."
- Emerson, Essay on the Oversoul

I have inhabited. I have described.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain

And where will the winds take me. And which wind will I look to for direction? North, South, East, West. Where will my destination be? [Links play some classic Church songs.]

Top 5 Mash-up List

Here's my top 5 Mash-ups from my show on Theory Radio.

1. Real Big Time, A+D
2. It Takes Two to Kiss, DJ John
3. Never Feel Good, Party Ben
4. No One Takes Your Freedom, DJ Earworm
5. Kiss My Neck Off, DJ Axel

And special props go out to DJ Schnipseljagd for Hollerback Thriller Girl.

An interesting piece of trivia. My first web page was of the top 10 of my World Music show for CMJ (in 1995). So it's only fitting that I'm back to where I began. I'll be updating my top 5 lists on nights of my mash-up show. I'll add links to these DJs tomorrow, when I am more coherent.

Mash up Radio Show

If you’re a fan of mash-up, bootlegs or experimental mixes tune into Mashed and Mixed, my new radio show on Theory Radio where I’ll be playing mashed bootlegs and mixed music straight out of the Brewery in Downtown Los Angeles.

I’ll play bootlegs from DJ Axel, A+D, DJ Z-Trip, DJ John, DJ Earworm, Party Ben, Earlyworm and more. Tune in Wed, June 7^th at 8 to 11pm pacific to hear the evolution of music. [Direct Stream] 

To Remember the weekend

It wasn't this past weekend - but I don't want to forget it - although I don't think I will be able to actually.

• Working late, 3 hours sleep before the flight
• Capital Hill
• A fabulous mocha from Vivachi
• Warm clothes from crossroads
• A restaurant that reminds him of another
• A visit to my corporate nemesis for many years
• New friends, old friends
• A drive though rain and green mountains
• Grasslands
• Fields from a previous life
• Remembering the NIN poster I carried to/though Europe for someone
• Standing outside the pit
• A night of Apocalypse now
• The sleep of death
• A concrete Stonehenge on the edge of a river
• My brother, his wife and two dogs
• A punk family.
• Home cooked food.
• Another good mocha.
• Sleeping at the eardrum blasting concert
• No energy for subversive shopping.
• Breaking point.
• The W. and sweet sleep at last.

I really want to write up the whole story of the night of the Apocalypse is in eastern Washington, but I've just been too busy. It's a good story though.

history changed - or not?

I was reading this post on b.la how today is the anniversary of the assassination of Robert F Kennedy; and I started thinking about strange unsolved stories. And then the vision of the terminator movie came into my brain and I thought, a standard science fiction plot is to foil a would-be assassin from killing someone instrumental in changing the world for the "good" of humanity. And then instantly my thought jumped tracks and I thought, what if the "good guys" failed and that instrumental person _is_ killed? Would it create a different parallel world? And then I thought, what if we are living in that time? You know, with all the world improvement GWB is doing.

It's an interesting idea to think about. It's not the first time I've thought about multiple parallel (or not so parallel) realities. I've found 4th and 5th dimensions explained as all possibilities existing. (Try to visualize that in all the nodal possibilities.) And then add the concept of time to each nodal possibility. And try to visualize _that_! Or, well don't. It's the same headache as someone in flatland trying to visualize my fingers typing on this keyboard.

It's all fun to think about, but ultimately useless to living in this reality. Or is it? If you believe in pre-destiny, this method explains all possibilities as known variables. If you believe in free-will, this method explains all possibilities of choice. Any choice is a pre-destined choice. Or is it? Is there a choice that is not predestined? (A bug, a non-standard behavior?) If you know all choices are predestined, including not making the choice, do you feel freer or trapped?Or something else?

Does knowing you have lived all the possibilities before (or concurrently) allow you the freedom to choose which choice you want to make in that exact moment in your exact reality - and not automatically choose the deepest groove.

Weekend Recap

It was sweltering in LA - that didn't stop me from loving it. S and I got up early and went for a hike in Topanga. We thought one 3 liter camelback and a bottle of Gatorade would be enough - but it wasn't. 3 hours later (and with another hour to hike back) we had finished our fluids and were coated with a thin film of sweat. Although I was almost dying of heat exhaustion, I had no problem hiking the various micro climates back to Topanga. We saw a couple snakes and countless little lizards. We hiked along streams, I climbed a tree, and we climbed up a waterfall. (It wasn't gushing.) Then we drank about 50 ounces of liquid in about 5 minutes.

We dragged ourselves home, washed the sweat off ourselves and barely made it to BossaNova where we ate STEAK! Just what we needed after the hike. Later I rousted myself with a rockstar and made it over to Bootie, where I shook my thang to mixed up mashed music.

Sunday morning light was streaming into my eyes as I was awakened with the excitement of the land auction. I was skeptical (even though it was my idea), but we went anyway and it was pretty fun. Sam even picked up some 40 acres of desert in Nevada for a paltry sum. Myself, I was holding out for the Mojave east of Barstow, but nothing was available.

So that was it. A fine fine weekend at home. Hiking, Steaks, Bootie, Land.

Beat your own dead horse

Team Gigsville Spirit. Check it out - you can buy your own, below.

Grace: One Year Later

A year ago, I was with my grandmother. She died several days later. It's hard to believe a year has gone by. A year of not sending her cards, seeing pictures, visiting her.

She died peacefully in her sleep on the morning of May 28th.

I wanted some way to celebrate her life, her impact on me. I can say without a doubt she _was_ the most important person in my life. But I do not pine for her. I do not wish she was still her. I miss her. But my memory is full of so many good times. I am surrounded by her things and I think of her constantly. Not one day goes by that I don't use or see or wear something of hers and with that I remember.

I remember her laughing, her trips, her house in Oceanside. She is as fresh in my memory as she was in person.

I'll celebrate her life on Sunday, by eating and drinking her favorite things and remembering her.

Checkmark: Kicking Ass in 2006

I had one goal for 2006: To Kick Ass.

That's a pretty big, not to mention vague goal. How would I know if I succeeded, and what were the SMART metrics for success?

Well, that was part of the challenge. Going so far above and beyond that is it completely obvious that I am kicking ass. When I first came up with this goal, I had been working with Susie at Superviva and spending a lot of time creating, doing and updating my life lists. Susie was inspired by my Kick Ass in 2006 goal that she surprised me by making one up and offering it on the Superviva CafePress store (yeah, that's me modeling it)! She also surprised me with one on one of our visits. It's a shirt I love, but I don't wear it often.

Here's the story of how I kicked ass in 2006.

So I'm on a camping trip with my boyfriend and 30 of my best friends out on a dry lake bed in the middle of the Mojave Desert. We've been out there two days and its Sunday morning. Saturday night I spent the evening playing with a flame thrower, off-roading, riding on an art-car and surviving a crash and dancing on the local stripper pole (with moves that I learned in my pole dancing class which was on my SuperViva life list).

It's the next morning and I'm sore and hungry. The boyfriend and another friend are hanging out in our shade structure and I'm starting to make breakfast. I happen to be wearing my Superviva Kick Ass in 2006 t-shirt. I haven't showered in two days. I'm boiling water on the back of the truck on our camping stove and making oatmeal and coffee for us. It's not too hard and I'm doing it quickly and efficiently as we making friendly conversation. I bring breakfast over and am about to sit down to eat when the boyfriend says, "Hey, can you bring me the sharpie from over there?" So I do and start to sit down again. Then he says, "Hey, can you come over here?" and I'm tired and all I want to do is sit down and eat my oatmeal and have a cup of coffee, but I'm still standing, so I go over. And before I notice what he is doing, he’s taken the cap off the sharpie and checks off the box on my shirt.

But seriously, I had been wondering if I was kicking enough ass. I mean, making my living as a blogger (yes, actually paying my mortgage blogging), bringing Streetwars to LA, Participating at BarCamp (and I'm talking like 3 different activities: 2 presentations and e-iron chef), not to mention keeping down the future, moving to West Hollywood, having the most amazing mind blowing boyfriend, not to mention the most ass kicking friends to spend time with. What more could I want? Oh yeah, I have all these additional goals. Well, at least I have something to work on for the rest of the year.

I'm watching to see if I can kick as much ass in the second part of 2006 as I did in the first.

A week of surprise

This week has been full of surprises and celebrations - for absolutely no reason. It started out on Monday when I made a cake for Sam. I love baking and any excuse to make a cake is a good one. The only problem, is that since I work from home, I'm the one with the cake in my direct vicinity and chocolate cake is just the kind of snack for the afternoon break.

The afternoon came and with it the mail bringing presents from England. Chocolates and cuff links. I planned to get S bullet cuff links for his bday next month. For some reason, I could not find any in the US, so I had to go to England. I find this amusing because it's easier to get bullets here in the US than the UK and yet, I had to go over the pond to find cuff links. Maybe it's because cuff links are worn more in Europe than here.

I was so excited at their arrival and how good they looks that I couldn't wait and gave them to him immediately. And, of course, he loved them.

Tuesday brought the big surprise. S had been hinting about a surprise since last week but was vague about it. I waited patiently, knowing that it could be anything. He got up early Tuesday and was out of the house before I could get my weary legs on the floor. Later in the evening when he got home I had some crazy stories to share and we came across a nest of hatching spiders, so we rushed out to buy spider death. I was personally willing to let the little ones live, but I had to defer to the leaseholder.

So we run out, get spider death, kill the things and the house smells like yuck. I'm like, "hey - didn't you have a surprise?" and S said "let's go on a walk." Thinking it was just to leave the house to get away from the spider death, I was glad to leave. But then he starts smirking and talking about the surprise and we're walking down the sidewalk and I know what he's done. He's gone and bought a Jeep and is going to surprise it on me.

We cross the street and I'm looking at the cars parked on the street - there are a lot of Jeeps usually parked on the street, so I can't immediately pick out a new one. Pretty soon we saunter up to a silver Jeep, I'm not about to assume this is the one. It looks totally cool, with big black netting in the case, clean, silver. And S walks up to the door and unlocks it.

This is it! The big surprise. A new Jeep. He hands me the keys and we put the top down and I proceed to check it out. It's exactly what we've been talking about - although S is the one with the high Jeep fever. It's actually a lot of fun.

But, that is not the end to the surprises! Last night I got home and there were two packages in the mail. One was full of Sake from my friend in Oregon. I promptly put them in the fridge. The other was yet another surprise from S to moi.

I opened the package and inside was a little black nonpod from idont. I'm busy filling it with my Mp3s right now - all the ones except the songs I've bought from iTunes and my personal CDs that have been imported into iTunes that are in m4a format.

So, it's just Thursday - I wonder if there can be any more surprises, because I'm happy with the ones I've given and received.

All Caps =

Just remember, you heard it here first (or at least, read it here first).

From now on, when I see ALL CAPS, I am imagining that you are talking to me in a Pee Wee Herman voice!

HA HA. NOW, ISN'T THAT FUNNY!

Burning Man in the house

So the theme of Burning Man this year is "The Future: Hope and Fear". Personally I think that's two themes, but whatever - I'm not the BMORG. I'm much amused because my house is literally on Future and my bedroom is currently full of drywall dust - which is what the dry lake bed that Burning Man is held on is full of. So I'm having a mini-burning man in my bedroom. The metaphor continues. Burning Man is a temporary city - and well, my living in the future is temporary - as much as I pretend to be in denial about it.

I was sitting on the bed yesterday, surveying the project (sanding the ceiling, priming ceiling and wall and re-painting over the patched ceiling wound), looking at my bookshelves and the books and other items stacked on them. Feeling a sense of comfort from my books and things and at the same time feeling completely alien and outgrown. So many books with memories attached to them. Someone who gave them to me, someone who read stories out of that one to me. Books I bought with no intention to read. Books that changed my perceptions of the world when I read them. Books I keep to remind me of college classes I didn't do enough with. Books I want to know the contents of, but don't want to read.

I feel all these things in an instant. In the moment. And I'm detached. Detached from the thoughts, from the books, from my room, from my house. I'm not grounded here anymore. These things don't have my current energy. So where is it? The person who filled these bookcases is not the person looking at them. Where did she go? She's in the past: the Future. My world is shifting right in front of my eyes, in my own house. What do I hope? What do I fear? I fear leaving the future because it represents someone I no longer am, but I really enjoyed being. I've transformed some major personality characteristics in that house. And I'm walking out a different person with more awareness.

But the bigger question is, where am I walking out to? It's not the future, because that is what I'm leaving behind.

Quiet Silence

  desert_morning silhouette 
  Originally uploaded by dopaminejunkie.

Pulled from cdj. I love these trees.

Highlight of my life: Wielding a Flamethrower

I'm learning how to run the thing here. Note the flame is controlled by a motorcycle throttle handle. Can you see the ecstatic look on my face? I don't think I've been happier in my entire life! thanks Kmo for taking these pics. I think you just capture the happiest day of my life (so far)!

And yes, I am wearing a full length silver sparkling ball gown.

Mash-up Goodness

I'm back on Theory Radio and this week I have a very special show with guest DJs A+D (Adrian and the Mysterious D).

I’ll start the 7pm hour out with selected tracks from DJ Ztrip’s phenomenal bootleg album Uneasy Listening, then I’ll throw in 2 many DJs and Optimo along with other mashy goodness until the rebel DJs take over theory air waves.

If you’re local in LA and love mash-ups as much as I do, be sure to check out BootieLA this Saturday, May 6^th at the echo.

And if you thought mash-ups were a thing of the 21^st century, check out this synth mash-up video with Herbie Hancock, Thomas Dolby, Stevie Wonder and Howard Jones mashing up their hits back in 1985:

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  [Radio stream]

desert on both sides of the week

It's been June Gloom here in LA for the past 3 weeks and frankly I am tired of it. What up SoCal? Where's the blue sky? Is this some kind of hint? Well, if it is - I'm taking it. I'm outta here! Back to the desert.

Last weekend was packed with about 10 different adventures. (Ok, 10 is hyperbole, but I did have 5 distinct ones planned in 4 different cities.) But as plans go awry, my plans changed. I ended up having a great time spending time with a good friend.

I miss the desert, but I'll be back out there soon enough and hopefully for a lot longer than a few days.

the microscope is on...

Discernment.

1. The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment.
2. Keenness of insight and judgment.

From dictionary.com and wiki

Free Music From Napster

Yeah, it's the secret - or not so secret - launch - or re-launch - of Napster's free music program. Check it out! Unfortunately for me, it seems that they think I'm not in the US and will only let me listen to 30 second clips, which is a total bummer, because I'm sitting her waiting out traffic in Hollywood... but what can you do?

Well, you can listen to this classic favorite song of mine, for free. And they have lots of other cool music I would actually listen to. Now, about Hollywood being a different country...

Lips Like Sugar (Album Version)

on breaking news or cool things

Argh... so this morning I want to scream. I've been scoping out the integratron in Joshua Tree for months, planning to go check it out and write about it for Daily Mantra. So I mention it on b.la and blech, I find out the boingboing covered it early last week (I've stopped reading that site as it depresses me) and it was in the LAT not that long ago and shit - I f*n hate it when I've been thinking about something for a while and then, blam - it explodes onto the scene. So much for being tapped into the collective consciousness.

Then again, I could use that as a way to birth trends into the mainstream or not so mainstream. Or maybe I should use this as the impetus to NOT wait on any idea I have and EXECUTE it immediately. Damn that distraction for the past few months!

I want to be the one writing about the cool stuff and the scoops. I want to be the rock hunter.

But then, there are times I find out about cool stuff and specifically DON'T write about it. Because it's so neat that I DON'T want anyone to find out about it... yet.

Argh. Maybe this is just the motivation I need to write about the next big thing...

Blech.

Updated: AOL in Mountain View is hosting women's entrepreneur unconference. WTF? I'm so glad I spent freaking years in Silicon Valley running the Menttium break out sessions. Maybe I just suck, or maybe I'm just freaky years ahead of my time, I was evangelizing DHTML (what is now known as Web 2.0) in 2000 at AOL, thanks to my iamazing engineering team.

But really world, I'm about 6 years ahead of the trend here. Where's the money in that? Oh, right, I'm not in it for the money... I'm in it to ride the edge of the wave. Still...

OK, this is it. I'm intending an opportunity where I can execute on these innovative forward thinking ideas and actually EXECUTE! Grr.

Feeling the flow

Today was the first time in a while that I felt in Flow state. I was driving my convertible, top down on the 101. I was listening to the radio and driving for myself. I've been driving for other people (the screwed up CD player, the dog in the backseat or a passenger) for months and finally I had some solo time in my car. I was listening to Indie 103 and the La's "There she goes" came on. I loved this song when I was in high school. It reminded me of driving the open roads in Iowa, windows open, music on the stereo, the moist air full of bugs in front of me and nothing but dust (these were gravel roads) behind me.

I used to race the train, especially if I was trying to go to my boyfriend's house (who lived outside of town, on the other side of town from me). If I didn't catch the lights, I'd sit and wait for the train to cross the road. Sometimes I'd get impatient and race it further down the track, attempting to make the crossing.

Anyway, I'm getting on the 101 southbound at Highland and on comes the La's and there I they go, those memories racing through my brain. I smell the air and feel my wet hair drying in the wind, and boy do I finally feel like myself. I didn't realize how oppressed I felt the past few months. I was living someone else's life - but, who was that? and how did I get conned into it being my life?

When I mapped out my plan for 2006 last December, I left open a huge gap. A huge gap for something to come into. I was waiting in March, getting more and more impatient in April and here we are almost entering May. In retrospect, my life was too busy in March and most of April. I'm finally at the point where I'm not really juggling anything. I've got confident understand of all the stuff in my life - including the house insurance issue and dealing with my car hit and run. But beyond that, everything is copacetic.

And that feels good. I finally have moments to read the books I want to read, and seriously think about things and plan where I'm going to be putting a big chunk of my energy for the rest of 2006.

Silent Hill

I saw Silent Hill a few nights ago. I'm not a fan of the horror genre - at least not the slash and mutilate "boo" style. Still the boyfriend wanted to see it so I went along. I had very little idea of the movie, but expected complete trash. The first half of the movie indeed delivered on the trash, but about half-way through, the movie added a plot, some more characters and took a very Neil Gaiman sandman-esque turn. That's also when I started to make the Diablo references. Once I realized I was watching a video game, the movie became a lot more enjoyable.

At least the blood, guts and spook-jump factors got burned out early in the movie and I was able to get to sleep without being freaked out.

I love Roger Ebert's review of the movie and this snipped in particular.

The people who live in Silent Hill are dead, I guess. Some of them glow like old embers on a fire, which is not a sign of life. They live in abandoned buildings and in the mines and in a Smoke and Flame Factory, which you will recall from my Little Movie Glossary is a factory-like location of uncertain purpose which generates a lot of smoke and flames. Also sharing their space are rat-like little CGI insects, who scurry around thinking they look a lot scarier than they do.

- Ebert's review

I especially liked the sexy nurses starting to do the Michael Jackson Thriller dance, but instead they just end up slashing each other.

And in the technology world...

Earlier this week, I coordinated the geek dinner follow-up to LA Barcamp. I was pretty happy as 30 people RSVPed and I think everyone actually showed up and on time! Lots of familiar faces and about 30% women.

I had some interesting conversations about Tivo and contextual ads, some yummy Indian food and we ended the evening with a discussion about cultivating innovation in large companies. The full write up is here. And this is definately just the beginning.

And in other tech news, I'm speaking at Blogher. I'm on the day one schedule and will be doing a basics blog course along with Miss Zoot and Melinda Casino. It's going to be all basics, so if you don't know where to start - come to our session.

I'm looking forward to the day 2 sessions, especially the room of your own bofs.

Fresh Air Gorgeous Morning

Even though I can barely see the San Gabriel's in the distance, the air is clean and fresh. It smells like California. I feel relaxed, so many projects open and available - especially after a stimulating BarCamp dinner follow-up (which I will write about a little later).

I picked weeds in the front garden yesterday and pruned the lemon tree. I feel so bad for this tree, because it was planted in a very bad location. It's hidden away behind some cypress trees and others that pretty much block out the light. And it was sprouting every-which-way like crazy. It just made me feel sad every time I saw it.

I watered the new ferns and shade loving flower. I planted some impatiens and calla lillies. They are doing extremely well. And the roses are blooming in the front yard in full sun. The jasmine off my patio is going crazy and winding itself up and around the fence, covered with fragrant pink flowers. It makes me so happy to see the plants in the correct locations.

The window is open and the sweet smell of the flowers drifts in. And although I can still see the blue tarp, smell the mildew everytime I go downstairs and the roofer hasn't called me back, I am feeling fine.

I'm in tune with who I am, what I want and following my heart. Everything will be, exactly as it is supposed to be.

New friend, new perspective

Today fellow blogging.la-er Colleen Wainwright and I finally met - after several attempts and water gun wet threats. Sometimes you don't meet someone until it's the right time, and I think that's why it took us so long to meet in person. It was well worth the wait. We had a great time learning about each other and found a lot of common ground.

Before heading over to meet her, I skipped over to her blog to catch up. In my skimming, these paragraphs jumped out at me. She's talking about one of her acting teachers.

One day, having hit his limit with some slacker inanity or another—actors showing up without the props they needed for their scenes, actors not showing up at all—he launched into us about hard work and commitment. About how we didn’t have any, and about how we were kidding ourselves if we thought we were going to slack our way to any kind of real acting talent or real acting career without Doing The Work. And then, lighting on my trembling face, he said: “Of course, those of you who need to hear this won’t…and those of you who are already doing all this are beating yourselves up for not doing enough.”

My shrink had to give me a refresher course in this yesterday. For some reason, my response to being unable to perform at my usual level of energy and competence (i.e., being sick) is to beat myself up for being unable to perform at my usual level of energy and competence. I was gently reminded that when I am not feeling my pretty best, calling myself “loser” is probably not the thing for getting me back on track.

This really resonated with me in light of the current dog crisis. I was kicking myself saying I should be able to handle all this, especially since G was dealing with a lot more, when it was really too much for me. So I kept drowning doing damage control on my end until it was a crisis. It was only when the situation reached crisis mode that G paid attention to it. That's because G was dealing with her own series of crisis and mine didn't register on her radar until it became a major one for her.

Seeing it like this, makes me understand her perspective more, and I still wonder how the situation could have been played out so that it didn't reach a crisis. I wonder if that would have been possible? Could I have been clearer in my emails earlier the demand it took on me and the impact it had on my life? I didn't think I had to explicitly spell things out.

But maybe so. Because miscommunication happens when assumptions are made and communication is not clear. And when emotions are in flux, the situation unknown and a different language spoken, it makes clear communication all the harder.

Anyway, this is the last I'm going to write of this situation. The analyization and recapitulation is over.