heathervescent

Rumble, Gurgle

So there was an earthquake today. Just before noon. I'm sitting in the high tower (literally - the 4th floor turret of a 3 story building) and the floor starts shaking like a truck has hit the building or a huge washing machines is bumping around and I look over at Gaurav (my officemate) and say - "It's an earthquake."

I immediately look up at our beamed ceiling. Wondering if I should move. As I watched (and felt) the building shake, I waited. I waited to see how bad it would get. It subsided and then started up again, stronger than before. I kept seated. I tweeted the earthquake and I waited to see what would happen. Calm and open and receptive in the moment.

It finally finished. The electricity was still on. I was still calm. it was only after a minute or two that my heart started beating. I was not panicked. I was amped up. I had lived through my first big LA quake. Sure, I felt that 3 or 4 pointer back in El Cerrito when I lived in Berkeley. Sure I felt the little 3 pointer earlier this year while I was working in my home office. And yeah, maybe this was not the big one - but I was in an office and the building was moving, and everything was fine. I didn't mind the rumbling - I only watched in anticipation with how strong it was and was the building going to break. Was I in danger. I was not.

I enjoyed the ride. Just like those turbulent flights. Just like landing in the lightening storm in STL back back in the day. Nature, you gotta love her. You gotta respect her and you gotta go with the flow. She's boss.

sorry

I love this. Although this is old to many - it delights me. Perhaps it will delight you too.

On Desperation

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change / dramatic acts. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
- William Burroughs

Land of Confusion

I was reminded of this video yesterday when a friend sent me a puppet link. I loved this video when it came out (I was in HS). I really dig the old Genesis, even with the Phil Collins. Really, you only need to replace a few heads for this video to be applicable today.

The Success Mind

This is a great article about visualization. Goes right in line with some of my current thoughts. (Not so sekret tip to a blogreader - try regarding your current deadline. I dare you to see yourself talking, writing, interviewing and getting it done just under the wire - as perfectly as it can be.)  For everyone else (and my own blog history) here's some good reminders:

Imagine success. Enjoy the sensation. Fill in details, either in your mind or in writing.

Work backwards from that image to where you are now: create a roadmap. Identify the goals required at each stage and write them down.

Anticipated problems are opportunities in disguise: they are alerting you to a need for information, skills, or resources. Identify what you need and incorporate obtaining it into your roadmap.

Do not be derailed by negativity. Everyone has moments where they feel they cannot possibly succeed. Bruce Lee liked to imagine writing down negative thoughts on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, and throwing it away.

Manage stress. Allowing stress to get out of hand limits creativity, imagination, persistence, and energy. It doesn’t matter whether you meditate, exercise, listen to music, cook, or engage in some other relaxing activity: give yourself a break and a chance to think about something other than the problem at hand.

Get enough sleep. This may seem obvious, but I have found that the biggest “duhs” come from the people struggling to stay awake. Lack of sleep will very quickly interfere with creativity, judgment, and motivation.

Celebrate successes. Periodically review your progress and see how far you’ve come. We are motivated more by seeing how much we’ve accomplished than by how much we haven’t. Seeing progress increases optimism and motivation. Dwelling only on how far we’ve fallen short does just the opposite.

The Success Mind is not the province of a few top people. It can be developed by anyone who puts in the time and effort. To someone who has truly developed a Success Mind, even major failure is merely a temporary setback.
- Source

This morning I sit with a cup of coffee at my table. In front of me lies a stack of history. It is a precious gem. The record of the past. I have merely flipped through it, but my mind is spinning. Still stimulated by a conversation on Saturday in San Francisco. The wicked witch stares up at me - a photocopy cut out and typewritten words - some of the most creative events I have ever read about, participated in and remember.

My trip north was very productive. Well, productive is not actually the word. I spent about 5 hours total at blogher. I wandered around the city, sipping from my favorite haunts. I re-connected with several and forged deeper connections with few. I am constantly amazed at how amazing my life is - and how my relationships surprise me with their authenticity, newness and impeccible timing. I could expect no less.

I have much to digest. I am gathering data. I am creating something new. Phoenix rises from the flames. What will that phoenix be? What green thing will I grow from the ashes? I turn to history - to the past - for inspiration and guidance. I turn to the future to see the possibilities and outcomes and I inspect the present - to understand which path to take and in which way to make what is begging to be manifested.

Off to 'Frisco in like 15 min

I'm headed north to San Francisco for Blogher (and meeting up with some people). I've packed lots of black and grey sweaters and my winter coat, so I should be all good. I haven't really told anyone I'm going to be up there - I've been busy - but if you see this and want to meet up - call, text or email me. I'm staying in OaktownBootiville and will be downtown at the Westin sporadically.

63 - the universe speaks

Today sucked. For whatever reasons I hated everyone. It's times like this that the first solution that comes to my mind is to kill myself. I just don't want to live in a world filled with the kind of shit this one is filled with. I know that sounds like a cop out. I know I should focus on the positive good things. But I just want to cease to exist. I am too good, even with my flaws, to continue to exist in this shithole called reality. I feel death for myself or I want to destroy the world. Fucking bomb everything and kill everyone (metaphorically, of course). It's strong emotions for my little frame probably wracked full of chemical hormones. Fight or flight. Mad Max road rage.

This mood only worsened on the drive home, behind sheeply drivers (20 mph max up coldwater) behind sunday driving potty mouth cursers law breakers on mulholland and retarded gridlockers. I am driving a weapon, but where is my battering ram?

I know in these times, the times I hate my fellow stupid race, that I just need to get home as fast as possible and not leave. Heather, the introvert, needs massive rejuvenation. Alone. Solitude. Leave me the fuck alone with my thoughts and my books and my ideas and my notebooks. Leave me alone with my crackpot theories and understandings of the universe and why we all exist.

Sometimes the simple nourishment of this fragile ethereal temple called my body is much of what it takes to calm my torrid 3rd world Armageddon vision. But an hour wait for the pizza delivery was too long. Might as well blow my head off. (Yes, I can be a bit extreme at times.) The boyfriend convinced me that it was better to go to astroburger instead and to live another day.

I flipped my unicorn hair and off we went - me sulking and vomiting venom through words. He's telling me to use the power of my mind, but what in my mind is not pleasant at all. We're walking in and waiting in line. I'm still grumpy, pondering what I might want. And then, someone walks in who make me re-think about destroying the world in fire and ice: David Lynch.

I do a double-take. He looks just like his picture. He's wearing a suit. A young unshaven man is with him. They are right behind me in line. I think, hmmm, I guess David Lynch is a pretty good reason to let the world continue in my mind. I'm thinking about my banana costume and syd who makes tesla coils. I think of Iowa fields, the gothic house and TM. For some reason these are the things that are loosely associated with David Lynch in my brain.

I'm not even going to say a word. I'm playing it cool - with my rainbow dyed unicorn hair of course they would stare. Just another day in Hollyweird. What would / could I say to him anyway? It's the universe's little reminder - it's that glimmer of hope. It's the memory that even in all the shit of this world, there are diamonds.

Then my number is called - except it's not my number, and I already have my food - but it's the final wink, that says... what is said without words.

It's a moment. Something changes. And it matters, and yet does not. Because all this will be played out again tomorrow and the day after, and has been each day from when time began. The world is destroyed every day and rebuilt again.

Hi

Hey Blog, just thought I'd say hi. I've got some new friends I want to introduce you to soon. Some bodybuilders, fashionistas, motorcyclists and aquarium lovers. I've also got some gamers and emo-goths and moms. And when you blow off steam, there's the NSFW forum that I'm trying out my new flame-proof suit in.

Today at lunch, I quipped with my colleagues that my work is NSFW. I think I've found my dream job mom. And I just refreshed the purple and added turquoise. Muholland drive calls and the wheel turns one more time thanks to Steppenwolf and William Burroughs.

The Private Life

Weekends, I had forgotten you. Having freelanced/runmyowncompany/consult for the past 3+ years - a weekend was no different from any other day. Except the boyfriend was home and usually I was out on an adventure or holed up in the house reading/cleaning (I love to clean).

It was a great time. I remember back when I decided I would live each day like I was on vacation - and I did - for a very long time. But just because I was always on vacation, work was "optional" I lost the meaning of work segmentation. I could do work anywhere, anytime and I did. I always had my GTD notebook with me. I was always returning calls, email, doing the Biz Dev, going out and being seen and networking. All the time. To the detriment of my true interests, my varied passions.

I didn't think having a day job increase the time I would spend doing the things I love - but it has. Because I have less time to do my private things, I spend that the way I truly want to.

The only negatives to the day job in my book are having to get up, shower, get dressed and attempt to leave the house before 9am and not being able to write off as much on my taxes (OMG - I've paid more in taxes already this year than the past one!). This cutting back, this decrease requires discernment. I don't want to juggle all those balls in the bucket. I only did it because I could and no one else was. Now, I'm done with these balls and oh wow, thanks universe, here's a whole bunch more of brand new exciting things to do and learn and share and experience.

What a relief I no longer have to share my micro experiences with everyone electronically and that I am content to experience them directly with a select minority.

Burning Bridges, Burning Ships

There must be conflict in the air. That or I'm not longer taking bullshit. In actuality, I know exactly what is going on. I'm making room. I'm an integrator. I wield a sharp ax. I'm a bit insane. I follow logic, my heart and the direction of the universe.

I am a tool. I get used. (I don't always like it.) In the using I am often sharpened and hope I become a better tool. It's hard to get attached to anything with a life like that.

Recently though, I have gone through a baptism of fire. I passed the test. My armor is strong enough for my next task. For the Army I have joined. The ships are already metaphorically burned. I have nothing more to lose. Neither do questions of doing right or wrong go unanswered in my head. Only what the universe asks of me. And if it's to burn it all to hell - (and don't get freaked out mom, I'm still talking metaphors) - I'll do it. You'd better watch out when you start a firestorm with someone with "hbomb' as a nickname. I'm not known as someone who backs down.

Happy Birthday mjb

And here's an effervescent birthday wish going out to one of my longest standing, best friends - mjb. Thanks for standing by my side in my difficult times, being my friend, occasionally my adversary and always with great suggestions for books, music, media and website. Someday I will write a book about our friendship - there is no other like you. Thank you for being my friend. I hope you have a great day today.

Random Thoughts to write more on

Mr Hard Ass shows his face and wields the ax again. This time, with new and improved thick skin. Who knew I was wearing a fireproof suit?

The understanding of Trophy Wives. This is something I've always been perplexed and confused about, and I finally cracked the concept.

A fabulous birthday weekend with the pack in Santa Barbara. Margarita's on the beach, a swanky hotel and the dog dog dog everywhere - in the ocean, in the shower, in the sand, in the pedal bicycle surrey - oh so cute.  Update from my skin: SPF 70 actually works to not burn my pale pale complexion.

And now, street cleaning at 9am - must get ready to zip the commute over the Laurel Canyon and my second Monday morning.

Dog, Convertible

Top is down, a warm wind is blowing and I'm driving 70 on the 101 through the valley. Next to me is the dog sitting perfectly in the passenger seat. Nose forward, sniffing the air and looking into the sky. I've got the radio blasting and an airplane is taking off from Burbank overhead. It's just me and the dog, in our enclosed yet open to the sky bubble jetting along the flow.

Another day living the dream - a new dream.

commute thinking

I had a ton of things to write about this morning when I was commuting over laurel canyon. I was heat exhausted and slightly dehydrated from the heat. I remember thinking how happy I was that I was driving on a regular basis again. I really think about things differently when I'm in the car. I missed those deep thoughts.

I was remembering how great it felt to be back on a bike. I took the moto guzzi out on it's inaugural ride (to Lothlorian Topanga) this weekend. It's loud - oh man is it a loud bike - but the sound - is sweet sweet music to my ears. Ear your heart out Marc Bolan.

Then there was the Thievery Corporation Concert at the bowl. And thinking about imperminance and how it is just a lesson and not an end. An understanding in impermanence makes it easier to let go of things before crystallizing.

I'll leave you with these videos for inspiration. This one and this one are real inspirations. Just try to imagine what performance ideas I have running through my naughty little mind.

Also the dog ate almost 6 ounces of orange infused chocolate - and lived to tell. What is up with this dog's love of chocolate? He totally took it off my dresser to eat it.

Never on the Market

I'm one of these people that in work and love, is never on the market. My life flows from one thing to another.

One of these transitions just occurred. I had been riding The Purple Tornado, holding tea parties in the eye of the storm while juggling projects, clients and possibilities. The winds have slowed and I've found myself in a new land - one worth exploring.  (In another vision, I see the mercenary for-hire self of mine complete with guns, weapons and crusty leather armor joining a team tasked with a vision.) Oh, it's all very mythic isn't it? What can I say - I like Myths.

But it's true. The tornado has joined a crowd with a vision. I'm embarking on my next big adventure by joining Crowdgather as their Director of Community Evangelism. (Disclaimer, I have been working with Crowdgather since February of this year.) I have to say, I am very excited - my excitement is even surprising me - and I can't wait to unleash and create to ultimately improve the lives of billions of people. It's a big goal - but my dad always told me to "Aim High."

Rocking the Retrograde

A few years ago, when I wrote for Daily Mantra, I decided to learn about the star-crossed "Mercury Retrograde". I'd only ever heard of it and not believing in day to day astrology dismissed it. But I was writing for an audience that I thought would find it interesting, so not only did I learn about it, but I started to observe. What did I see happening or not happening during a merc retrograde as opposed to other times?

If you're not familiar, a Merc retrograde is when Mercury appears to move backwards in the sky due to the placement of the earth and mercury. Apparently electronics and communications go haywire and get mixed up.

But I like to think of the retrograde as taking a step back. A chance to review things. To recapitulate. It's almost like a second chance. An opportunity to go back and do something again.

I pretty much stopped paying attention to retrogrades when I stopped writing for Daily Mantra - but for some reason, this one (the one that we currently ended on Thursday-yesterday) came on my radar. And Ive had an uncanny return to my past - revisiting past activities.

I was initially concerned that I was personally digressing - what about moving forward? what about evolving? trying new things? what's this heather? return to things you used to do?

Then the truck back up beeping started. But it wasn't backing up as in "I made a mistake". It was like when I was walking on the rocks in Cambria at New Years.

When I was in Cambria this weekend I walked along the tidepool beach cliffs. The rocks had been worn away and I jumped from slick seaweed covered rock to another while the waves crashed nearby. I'd venture out on the long tendrils of rock and get caught in a dead end. It was leap of faith across a wide churning channel onto slicker rock or backtracking. I chose to backtrack - there was no need to make a leap of faith on this solo excursion. I wondered if the backtracking was worth the journey. In the end I decided it was, because it's more about the trip than the destination.

This retrograde has been one major backtrack. But it's not a backtrack. It's more like a three point turn at the end of a really interesting alley. And I've explored all I wanted for now.

Besides, I missed who I was. I missed the radio show, the motorcycle, Gurdjieff and the Heather that was relaxed and comfortable with herself. I missed the person who never had anything to prove because she always did what she was best at. I missed the heather that explored and discovered and learned and taught. I missed the part of Heather that you wouldn't expect -- the one that loves to wear suits, document process and sit behind a desk. The one that likes structure, traveling and evangelizing to  help people have a good time and improve their lives with technology.

And now I get to be that person again, benefiting from my recent adventures.

Friends, Betrayal and Trust

I've been thinking about these things a lot recently. It started with something that a friend of mine said offhand earlier this week. "You know Heather, most of the people you talk about that you've introduced me to, don't act like they're really happy to see you." Then she told me a story about how she introduced a "friend" to one of her friends and her friend pointed out the girl "friend" she introduced to her was not really her friend.

That story percolated in my mind. And then I got angry. Because I kick ass and am amazing - but I don't really have that many actual friends. I don't  consider most of the people at the many of the events I go to as friends (associates and potential friends perhaps). Yeah, I know a lot of people and we're "friends" on twitter and facebook and the like - but are they really my friends? Do they really care about me as a person? About my dreams and goals and what I am feeling?

No. I don't think many of those people do.

I don't expect to be the center of anyone's life except mine and Romeo's (and maybe slightly off-center to the boyf) - but it's fucking me up thinking that all of you are my friends - when it is so obviously you are not.

I know that you're focused on your own life and goals and climbing whatever social ladder or jockeying for positioning or doing whatever to fulfill your dreams. I get that and I don't take it personally that I'm just another step to your rise. But it hurts, being used. And I see right through it. (Stupid me, I've been pretending that I haven't been seeing it. I've been giving the benefit of the doubt, because I want to believe that people can evolve and be their better self, but really people are just pieces of shit, humming at the lowest level of evolution.) Wow - there's one from my embittered soul.

So few, so few actually care. And really, why should I be so surprised? I never wanted to be Ms Popularity. I only wanted to be authentic. I only ever wanted to be the most amazing individual I could possibly be. And I'm that. And so what. Time to move on.

An Older Lover

I've always dreamed of my classic car. Old style - been around the block and still purring. Well, I got my wish come true today when a 1973 Moto Guzzi Eldorado pulled into my driveway. It's not in pristine state - but it's running well and looks fine for being 35!

I'm looking forward to outfitting myself in brand new gear and being back out in the environment.

Too Hot to Handle: School's Out

What was I thinking? A work weekend in June in the Mojave? Out where the troops practice heat acclimation before heading to Babylon?

We drove out under the coolness of darkness. At 1am it was still reading 80 degrees. We built a bonfire and pulled out a bottle of champagne watching the moon set in the west. Coyotes howling, their singing closer and closer to our little piece of nowhere. Under the Milky way refrains. Waxing spiral galaxies. You can't help but think big deep things out there.

I awoke to the sun before 8am - tired and groggy. The sun was already blaring hot and bright. I fiddled around, pulling out trash bags and surveyed the situation. There was a lot of work. There was a lot of trash. There was a lot of probably toxic insulation to be dealt with. What the hell was I thinking?

There was nothing left to do but start - so we started. By 9 it was still getting hot, so we decided to go to town for supplies at the new mega-Home Depot. We pass a convoy of tanks on the way and drooled at the machinery. S rolled down her window and we offered a swap - truck for tank. I did not envy the guys - open to the elements with full gear on. A streak of white cord snaked from a helmet into a pocket. A soundtrack for war.

We returned in the heat of the day and S napped while I sat in a patch of shade reading about Burning Man and looking at the hot still scenery - watching reflections on the mountains. Again wonder what the hell I was thinking. I've survived Burning Man - so I can do this. I alternated these rests with raking, picking up trash, rolling up fencing. It was finally starting to take shape as the sun rode its chariot west.

An afternoon adventure at the local bar turned things to the worst. Those stereotypes you hear about, they exist for a reason. Yeah - it's authentic, but it's not necessarily pretty.

We caught the sunset - purple mountains, pink clouds and a final burst of energy before calling it quits and vowing to return in September. School's out. We packed our bags, covered in dust and sweat and sunblock. On the return to civilization - I stopped to get an ice cream. The cashier at the checkout counter had been in the Marines. I asked him what the high temp today had been - and he responded with "it's been cool - it was only probably 105 today. Usually it's about 115 this time of year." Global warming making the Mojave cooler.

So I'm shelving LL until September. Besides - I've got a big move I'm about to announce and I've been clearing my slate making room for my next adventure.

On Solitude

"We are pioneers, waves that break upon shores unvisited. Enjoy the solitude!"
- Bernard

Electron Jump

I just learned about the energy needed for an electron to jump orbits. Particle - wave. Lightening - jump. Lose energy fall back in to the lowest state. THERE ARE MATHEMATICAL EQUATIONS FOR THIS!!!! I know, I remember them from 6th grade - but back then I was too busy fending off attacks from the boys about my big tits to really focus on the math. But now, that I've finally come to terms with my pair of 36DDs, I can focus on math all I want. (How about you boys, what are you focusing on now, hmmm?) This door is just beginning to open. In fact, I may only be peering into the keyhole. But I can tell, this is one love affair that I'm going to have for a long time. And I've got my entire life to master it. I'm not in any hurry.

The Decision on Burning Man

I've been reading Brian Doherty's This is Burning Man and it's a strange lolly in my mouth. You see, I have two tickets for the festival this year, but I have decided to skip it. I don't feel the love, my life is taking a different direction and I'll have my surrogate carbque soon enough.

And then Brian gave me his book.

I spent much of the weekend reading it. I remember the early days of BM - although I didn't attend them. I worked in a SF start-up with friends that introduced me to SRL and SF Caco along with Craigslist. I remember meeting Michael Michael and John Law and Scott Beale at lush hoff brau taxidermyed Tommy's Joynt. That was back then when I had naturally blonde hair and was married. Times far past.

It's strange reading Brian's book. He describes all these people I knew or met shortly around the time I met them. Some of them I've come to know better - all of them I have immense respect and admiration for. Through Brian, I get to know these men I admire more intimately. I feel like a voyeur learning these things not from them directly. I suppose it's similar to those of you who know my intimate thoughts though we've never met.

I think back to the images of who they are in my head. I almost I wish I had been out there to experience it directly. Almost.

It is my deepest desire to create something of lasting importance to / for this world. Something beautiful, but crazy and fucked up and utterly novel and unique. Something beyond my energy - which will be gone when I am gone. For the people in this world. Something that makes people become more aware of their possibilities - and also encouraged and activated to make them reality.

That's what's so inspiring about Brian's book. It makes me want my actions to impact as many as theirs. To be as big. As secretly innovative and raw cutting edge. It's about the people - who are just people and not gods. It's about the attitude needed to do something new. It's the ugly messy early time.

But this is not the year. There is still the slight chance I will make a last minute decision and go. But for now the decision is to not go. Something's telling me there's something else in my immediate future. There's something bigger than Burning Man on my horizon.

A Fabulous Fall

The Fall by Tarsem is the best modern film I have seen. It's up there with Fellini's Satyricon and Sargasso Manuscript. The intensity and visual stimulation are mind-blowing. And the story is both mundane and fantastical. It's like the Wizard of Oz. A journey. An adventure and rehabilitation.

Although released 2 years ago internationally, it's just been released in the US. Go see it.

4 Years Tomorrow

I remember when first heard the word "Jacaranda". It was in a Marisa Monte song in the Southern Hemisphere in a Northern Brazilian Beach town.

Four years ago I subletted a writer's cottage in Venice Beach. A light blue house with a wide grass lawn and a hammock in the back. Across the street from my home office (her office) was a beautiful tree with purple flowers. I learned this was a Jacaranda tree.

I had no reason to come to Los Angeles. I knew no one. I had no job. I had just this one month sublet. I did not come here for boy or job or to run away from my life or join a cult. I came to Los Angeles because it told me I needed to be here. That this place - this city - my birthplace - was where I needed to be. To leave the NorCal Elitist Snobbery and take a chance. Jump into the unknown. I had the guts and I jumped.

I remember these things because Friday is my 4 year anniversary of moving to LA.

Ah what times we've had Los Angeles. What we've learned from each other. What we've brought each other. The opportunities and challenges. I maintain my service to you - to uncover - to bring to light that which others ignore. To see what other can not - do not see - until I point the way - the Primer Inter Pares - threshold to the mainstream.

"My first duty is to sacrifice to the gods and pray them to grant me the thoughts, words and deeds likely to render my command most pleasing -- and to bring myself, my friends and my city the fullest measure of affection and glory and advantage."

I raise my glass to you - to another year of success - new opportunities, new friends and new adventures - always breaking new ground.

Funny Voices

Remembering reading the Libertarian tome (filled with minor characters), Burning Man books, comic books and MySpace emails in my Monster Truck, British and normal voices. I really love reading outloud in my Monster Truck voice.

Costume Change

I'm an actor as I go through my life. I have many roles. I've been many roles. And there are many roles in my future.

I was wandering my past today. (The main reason I write this blog is to facilitate these past wanderings - remember who I was, what I was thinking and all that.) A couple years ago I started taking the spotlight challenge. I decided to stop playing in the wings - and to take on a new role - one of being in the forefront of technology and Los Angeles. I was reluctant and awkward.

Water flows down - catching in the low places and fills them up, until it overflows - and moves on.

I've been thinking about this image a lot recently. I've missed the person I used to be and I've been thinking about her often this past week. My mind travels back and picks out the gems from my past self. I'm stagnant. I've been stagnant for a while - caught in someone else's dream that attached itself to me.

I'm ready for something different. I'm ready to revisit some roles of the past.

* photo by Ike Unson

Poolside in Hollywood

It's a Hollywood story. Text message. Convertible on Sunset Blvd. Valet park @ the Standard. I'm wearing my puking clown t-shirt from threadless as I take a seat in the Joshua Tree room. I'm looking at the wall paper and thinking about the ranch and how I might build a wall in the middle of the desert only to plaster it with this wall paper.

Then I'm drinking a mocha poolside while I listen to a director and two other folks talk about the movie deal. At the table next to me two sunglass clad metrosexuals enjoy their yogurt and berries. I'm tempted to order a drink but I'm trying to hit Rachel's Cardio Funk at Noon to get these abs into show off state.

I pull out my yellow book and three coins and offer a birthday gift of enlightenment to my friend. He throws the coins and the reading is one for us all. "Do not be that which you are not - be authentic - follow your true path." We talk about the things we usually talk about. Which is not politics (we're both libertarians) or burning man (much) or art or technology. We talk about the things our minds toy with. Relationships, processing. I make fun of the name he gave me "Mr Hard Ass." And I am. This time we talk about wolf packs, writing, motivation, conflict, relationships and an obvious asset. I suppose that's what we talk about most of the time. A phone call interrupts us - we have fun with it.

It's been a while since I've lived these typical LA stories. I immediately wonder why is that? I've gotten stuck in a groove. I've become more serious than usual. (All weekend the boyf was joking with me that I'm soooo serious - especially when I am joking. That reminds me that humor is not something I strive for, but rather the absurd and eccentric.)

I'm returning to things from the past. Returning to past mindsets, my internet radio show, my twisty drives in the Santa Monica Mountains. I consider Aikido, exercise, my desire for that "malibu mansion**" (I knew even then it was going to be in the Hollywood Hills). I think about which things I may cut, how I've stopped using GTD and the flow and flux of friends.

I long for those days. The vanilla sky. When LA was new and undiscovered. However it is still new and undiscovered. I've just gotten stuck in my habitual ruts. Time again, to break out.

* Image by Sam Newman

** This is joke with a friend. I'm referring to the mansion I'd buy once I was famous in Los Angeles, from back when I was only considering moving here.

ps. Remember "stealing the novelty"

Returned

I returned to the Internet airwaves tonight with a 4+ hour set on Theory Radio that is just wrapping up. I'm not sure when I'm going to get a regular slot - but I'll be back DJing. I'm mostly focusing on mash-ups and my eclectic mix of ambient and bad 80s. I hope you'll tune in sometime.

Memes in my head

These two memes have been taking up brainspace along with a few Steely Dan songs....

In other news - I'm starting to DJ for Theory Radio again, which means I'm off to troll certain message boards again.

Impermanence and Surprises

A friend and I were talking about Tibetan Sand Paintings yesterday and how they showed impermanence. That lead to a discussion on creating the world and quantum mechanics, my current obsession. Some of what he said has been jangling around in my head (along with Paul Graham's Cities Essay) like a quarter in a Chuck E Cheese funnel. Jangle, circle, jangle, circle, balanced on the edge.

I saw the universe as lines of light. Energy moving across furrows. Like the strings of a bow on a violin. The silence sounded. Are we like that sound? Destined to follow the form of the note once it's created? I think not - (at least I'm living my life based that I can change that note once it has left the bow gods be damned). What about that moment hanging in time? Frozen. Silent. Until the light shines and effects motion? Like a coin in an arcade. Like clockwork. There are hints everywhere. Reminders. Does the machine (or the string that resonates to the energy) realize it's already done this before. That this is the programming? Does each time feel as new?

It's too early in the day to get this philosophical.

Which brings to mind a conversation with another friend. I was talking about lists and plans and we were discussing relationships. He said "She's not someone I could ever imagine" (In my response to "Just manifest someone else like her."). I thought about this for a moment - watching the traffic go through the intersection - looking at the sky - and thought about my own life. Yes, there are things that happen that you can't imagine. Things you can't plan. People you can't believe exist (I hope I am one of these people for myself.) The beauty of these things is in their authentic surprise. You can't plan that. You can only enjoy it for the moment - an infinite impermanent moment.

I'll leave you with this passage from Asimov's Prelude to Foundation, page 227 in the paperback edition. It's the end of Chapter of 43.

    "What are they?"
     "Dainties. Raw dainties. For the outside market they're flavored in different ways, but here in Mycogen we eat them unflavored -- the only way."
    She put one in her mouth and said, "I never have enough."
    Seldon put his sphere into his mouth and felt it dissolve and disappear rapidly. His mouth, for a moment ran liquid and then it slid, almost of its own accord, down his throat.
    He stood for a moment, amazed. it was slightly sweet and, for that matter, had an even fainter bitter aftertaste, but the main sensation eluded him.
    "May I have another?" he said.
    "Have half a dozen," said Raindrop Forty-Three, holding out her hand. "They never have quite the same taste twice and have practically no calories. Just taste."
    She was right. He tried to have the dainty linger in his mouth; he tried licking it carefully; tried biting off a piece. However, the most careful lick destroyed it. When a bit was crunched off a piece, the rest of it disappeared at onece. And each taste was undefinable and not quite like the one before.
    "The only trouble is," said the Sister happily, "that every once in a while you have a very unusual one and you never forget it, but you never have it again either. I had one when I was nine--" Her expression suddenly lost its excitement and she said, "It's a good thing. It teaches you the evanescence of things of the world."

* photo by BlakJakDavy

Walking the Planck

Hey Blog,

I know, it's been another break in the conversation - conversation with myself - har har har. Anyway, I've been holed up inside my house - and perfectly happy about that. I'm not much of a social person anyway - I've always identified as being anti-social, which brought be to technology and the internet. Damn you MFers who made technology social!!!! Maybe I don't want to interact with people. (Opposite viewpoint - I will say that Mindshare was one of the best times I had recently - I will probably check that out again.)

So, anyway....

What have I been spending my time doing? Well, I am happy with my work and my clients and my work. It's interesting and challenging and good possibilities. I've got a couple redesigns in my mind, some travel plans and I've been spending ungodly amounts of time reading. I'm finally taking my desire to be a scientist (or at least more hard-core science) seriously and have begun my studies - jumping straight into Quantum Mechanics via a HIPPO intro book, which a dash a Chemistry and Math (and followed up with helping of Asimov for dessert).

I tell ya - the Raleigh-Jeans, Wise and Planck equations and derivation one to another made my head spin. But I was delighted to learn Planck's constant is known as "h"! 6.63 times 10 to the negative 34th power baby! That's me! Tack that onto the frequency of light waves and you've got "hv"! Now I'm just looking for n and T to add. I know temperature and numbers have got to come in somewhere... but maybe not in the right order. E=nhv?

Har har - just a little heather math humor. In other news - the boyf brought home an asteroids game - an original 1979 one. I can tell I am going to get good at it. I am personally striving for a pinball game - preferable one with "multi-ball".

And that's about what is happening in heatherland these days. Science, great clients, site redesigns, desert designs (oh, I might have forgotten to tell you I've started architecting options at the doubLL Ranch) and some travel plans. 

On Conflict and Clarity

The other week the boyf was accusing me of being into confrontations or liking confrontations or liking conflict. While I don't like confrontations, I don't shy away from it. (And I am actually quite good dealing with a confrontational situation.) People have disagreements and different points of views and goals, etc, and when those don't line up and are ignored conflict occurs. To pretend the conflict isn't there is to ignore an elephant in the room. Confronting the difference is not a pleasant thing - but it must be done to move forward.

I was trying to figure out a way to explain my attitude toward confrontation, when I picked up Strengths Finder a few days ago. I found my answer under "Command" one of my top 5 strengths.

"You are not frightened by confrontation; rather, you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution. Whereas others may avoid facing up to life's unpleasantness, you feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You need things to be clear between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest."

This pretty much sums up my attitude toward confrontation and conflict. Look, I'd love it if we could all get along - but when we're not or when we disagree or have a misunderstanding, we must address the issues - and it's probably not going to be pretty. I'd prefer to not bring up the issue at all - but I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist.

---
Which brings up a rant of mine - about people who are unwilling to meet you halfway/face to face to resolve a conflict or avoid a confrontation. There is no way to resolve a conflict if the other party refuses to even meet. This is the most frustrating situation for me and those who pull that on me lose my respect. I know it's hard, life is hard. But I'd rather resolve and move on - then be stuck back there pretending the issue will go away. A lot of times, it doesn't. It just gets bigger.

Anyway, end rant. :)

Borderlands Built

I was pondering upon things as I am wont to do, and I realized that the past few years that I have been doing "way out" stuff on so many levels, is because I've been building my borderlands. I've been going as far out as I could possibly imagine and then I'd go further to see what was beyond. I've been wandering in these borderlands going more and more out there. I've had moments of "wow, I really am way out here" losing touch almost with the places I used to be.

I've ventured far - and now I'm ready to come back to familiar places.

Reminder

This is just a reminder that there are good days and then there are really good days. Today was/is a really good day. Thanks Universe.

Update: Why was today such a good day? Nothing huge happened. No big life changing news. Just the regular stuff. Flexing with changing schedules, working in the morning, driving the convertible on Laurel Canyon, great client meeting, shopping at favorite store in Studio City, meeting up with a friend at Abbot's Habit and good conversation ("The truth simply is, its lies that must be spoken" - Chicken John), great exercise classes at the Y, lovely dog walk, boyfriend comes home and we decide to go out to a smancy dinner at Fogo de Chao, unlimited pao de queijo and meat, home again to awesome dog and best bed in the world.

Extraordinary in the ordinary.

Happy Birthday Bruce

A morning text message reminded me that it's Bruce Chatwin's Birthday. I'm deep in his Australian desert  adventure - which reminds me of my own dream to motorcycle across Australia (although at this point I am willing to trade it in for a Land Cruiser).

That reminds me of something I said several years ago - something about having a kid and then heading into the bush after 3 years in LA. I'm in the middle of that 3 years. I've had my metaphorical kid and it's growing up just fine. And now Australia calls again. Will this be the year for 40 days in the desert? Oh, I hope so.

By the way - Happy Birthday Bruce. You continue to inspire me.

A sense of calm

The past week has been one filled with bliss, peace and satisfaction. It's a strange feeling - as I am usually not satisfied with anything, constantly striving to improve. It's not that I've lost interest in improving myself, the world and living my dream life - I just feel no anxiety or rush associated with it. For the past week - I have been content to be.

All though my day I maintain this calm - and the late afternoon walks with the dog are downright blissful with the beautiful yards, gardens and flowering trees.

I am happy with myself, my life and what I have accomplished. I am focused on where I want to go next, what I want to accomplish and who I want to become. There is time to become that person, do those things and go where I desire. For now, I'm content and happy.

Mercy, Compassion, Forgiveness

"mercy is not receiving punishment that we deserve"

and how would we know what punishment we deserve? (compassion) and whose judgment is the correct one? Isn't it better to learn from the experience (forgiveness) and not interrupt the flow? and what stops the merciful from feeling like they got away with something?

(Here's an interesting blog post about Mercy vs Forgiveness from a Christian point of view)

All of these are ultimately about how you use your energy. Would you rather have your energy get stuck in holding onto petty bullshit (as I remember Bruce Wagner talking about) or using it to change your world? I remind myself that my battle is not here with everyone - but out there. This is merely the playground, the practice field. And that puts everything into a different perspective.

Hope and Practicality

Several years ago, I was exploring the concept of "hope" and how I felt like it may be the worst evil from Pandora's Box. Hope did nothing to change a situation and may stop someone from practical action - and never realizing their dreams.

In my morning web walkabout I found the connection. Hope is the turning point. Hope is seeing the light. Hope is the glimpse of some other possibility. However to realize/manifest the change, you must act. Hope is not an action, it is an attitude adjustment that allows a moment, a flash of energy to get yourself unstuck. Once your attitude has been adjusted, you must take practical action.

Tiger

Tiger! Tiger! burning bright 
In the forests of the night: 
What immortal hand or eye 
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies 
Burnt the fire of thine eyes? 
On what wings dare he aspire? 
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art, 
Could twist the sinews of thy heart? 
And when thy heart began to beat, 
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain? 
In what furnace was thy brain? 
What the anvil? what dread grasp 
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears, 
And water`d heaven with their tears, 
Did he smile his work to see? 
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tiger! Tiger! burning bright 
In the forests of the night: 
What immortal hand or eye 
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

~William Blake~

Jacaranda Blue

I've really enjoyed theses spring dog walks. I've found a nearby neighborhood where my eyes feast on the houses, the streets and trees. It's not typical Los Angeles, with white picket fences and non-palm-tree-lined streets. The Jacaranda's have been fabulous. It's one of my favorites times.

Grey wet sidewalk
Carpet of fresh green grass
White picket fences

Everywhere I look is a visual feast.
Psychedelic bougainvillea
Fat avocados on a bare tree
Delicate yellow flowers hidden in vines

Click-click pattering on the pavement
The wind caresses my neck
I inhale a sweet scent
Raise my eyes to the sky watching
ravens and crows, finches and jays.

Patches of purple flowers shower the way
better than any red carpet.

* photo by Autumn Leaf

More on Lightworking

Want to learn more on Lightworking? Then go here!

A million people die on this planet every week. One of those weeks will be mine. One will be yours. I realized that if I wanted to live consciously, I had to live in such a way that I was ready to die each and every day. If I don’t feel ready to die, I know I’m doing something wrong. Specifically, that wrongness is the act of pushing my dreams and desires into the future, thereby stealing power from the present and driving myself into a lower state of consciousness. If I consider that today may be my last day on earth, I can’t give in to fear. I have to summon my courage to push through that fear.

Screwdriver vs Ax

I reached for the screw driver, but it turned into an ax. I put the transformed tool back on the shelf, to pick up another tool, but in each place, there was the same ax. I dare not pick it up, lest I use it. The ax is a delicate tool with shattering results. I must not wield it lightly. The blow is not one that can be recovered from. Severed. Divisive. End. of. the. line.

In the back of my mind, the mantras of compassion, mercy, we are all one, undivided, working for the best possible world, in the direction of highest enlightenment, for the good of all. Kohlberg's levels - and the axes vibrate in their tool nooks. I visit the faces of the past. Each experience educates. I ask my future self for advice - the person who already lived though this and more. I do not want to follow-past blueprints. Relive past mistakes. Free-will is about jumping the groove. I'm ready to jump. I'm ready to do something different. 

I don't know what to do and then the answer appears. The ax flies to my hand and the deed is done. The present severed into the past.

It could have been the screwdriver. And somewhere, it is. 

Religion = Imagination

Interesting article theory on why religion evolved:

In a piece reported on in New Scientist, Maurice Bloch has proposed another basis for religion: imagination. Because we can project ourselves and imagine the "transcendental" relation in social and personal relationships, we can imagine that there are agents not visible or present, he claims. The paper is also a good historical review of theories of religion, and makes the point that "religion" is not well defined as a topic of investigation of explanation.

From Evolving Thoughts

Ruthless and Darkworking

I'd like to clarify a misunderstanding about the word ruthless. In the society we live in today this word has a negative connotation that is often misused. It's a subtle word that I continue to unveil its layered meaning in my meditations. In reviewing my writings on it here I like this description from Nick Walker

Ruthlessness, as I understand Castaneda's use of the term, isn't the same as callousness or bloodlust. It's the ability to draw a line, to stand firm, to do what has to be done no matter who it pisses off, to do the right thing even if it's not the polite thing.

Both darkworkers and lightworkers can be ruthless. It can look the same; however the motivations and reasons for using ruthlessness are very different. I have a specific recent example of this, but I'm not ready to share it yet.

The important thing to notice is the intention. What _is_ your intention? Is it for personal gain or the benefit of the whole? Yes, you can hide your true intention with icing from the other side. You can set up a situation where a lot of people benefit (masses or your cronies) - but if you're acting with your own personal gain in mind - that's your intention.

Here's a way I like to see it. If you're climbing the pyramid, you're willing to use people to get to the top - your goal. There is another alternative to climbing the pyramid - and that's raising the pyramid from the bottom. This is much harder because you must look at the pyramid as a whole - not individual bricks or levels.

Often it's hard to know your true intention and motivation. We are such tricky humans programmed by "the village" that unless we have unraveled our own programming we're running off someone else's script or worse, unaware we're even programmed.

Darkworking

I sporadically read Steve Pavlina's excellent blog, so when I was configuring my RSS reader I popped in and caught up. One of his recent posts is on the DARKWORKER and whether they are evil.

As I'm reading this and it hits me - I don't get darkworkers. I understand their motivation and why they do the things they do, but it's not my bag.

Is a darkworker evil? From the perspective of a lightworker or from non-polarized people, you could say yes. From the darkworker’s perspective, there are basically two possibilities.

First, the darkworker might say, “No, I’m not evil. I’m pursuing my own good, which is the highest good there is.” Darkworkers are Machiavellian and expedient. They recognize that running over people is often more efficient than working with them. If you have to treat a human being like a slice of bacon now and then, so be it.

The second possibility is that the darkworker identifies with evil and consciously embraces that role: “I’ve decided to be evil, and I like it.” (See For Love of Evil.) In this case the darkworker identifies with the social consensus about evil and recognizes himself as having those qualities. However, he doesn’t see this as anything bad or problematic. Evil is equated with freedom and power. The darkworker views non-evil people as weak and sometimes stupid. If the darkworker identifies with the role of the villain, it’s because the villain is the smartest character in the game.

Either way the result is the same. The darkworker’s conscience is aligned with self-service as the highest possible good. Physical reality is a playground for the darkworker’s personal pleasure, and other people are merely tools to be used.

I've been used by these darkworkers and it hurts. I do what I do for the good of mankind and those darkworkers have taken my ideas and pimped their own ass not even thanking me for showing them the way. That's why the last and in some ways most important step in getting your heart's desire is to say Thank You. I constantly think about my teachers (they probably don't know how often I think of them) and thank people who have helped me. And I go out of my way helping people and connecting them to people and ideas that help them make their dreams a reality.

My motivation in doing what I do is because I want to improve the world - and the ability for people to achieve their dreams, having their dream life and the courage to do what they are here to do - not cringe in fear to follow their passions. So what about a darkworker applying my methodologies to make their egotistical dreams come true. On a theoretically level I'm down with that, but as darkworkers execute on their self-serving plans it makes me hate this world and want to be gone from it.

It sucks my motivation and gets me second guess the value of my work. I don't want to think that I have to protect myself from these types of people, because that stifles my own creativity and derails my execution.

So what to do? And how do I protect myself and my work from these vampiric darkworkers in the future?

Change of Events // Feeling the Family

"I love planning, if only to diverge from the plan."
- Heathervescent

And that is what I did this weekend. I was originally going to SF to celebrate, see friends and check out  Maker Faire. I changed my mind at the last minute due to the $4 gas price, the excessive amount of driving for such a short trip and I just couldn't put the dog in the kennel and stayed closer to home. (I'm dog-whipped).

Instead I did a 70's bikini bicycle photo shoot for lemons and avocados before headed to San Diego County to see my 86 year old Great Aunt. I acted her chauffeur in my G35 and drove her around town running errands and going to dinner. She loved having us visit and Romeo crashed out SO CUTE with these big panda and dog stuffed animals while we watched a movie on her new DVD player.

This morning we headed up the 15 to Riverside to see my other aunt - Mary Pat. She is an amazing woman. Every time I visit her she's got something cooking - metaphorically and literally. She has 3 horses (she breeds) in her backyard which is filled with herbs and flowers and gardens.

We sat in her backyard, in the shade of a tree, a light breeze blowing, watching the horses and birds (pigeons and crows) swoop and dive. and talked about her new business, real estate and our usual analysis of family personalities. Romeo loved running around in the yard and he was fascinated (yet kept his distance) with the horses.

Later we made cupcakes (MP is an awesome cook - she used to have her own biz in Texas making "just desserts" before Just Desserts existed) and she showed me the cookbook she's working on with our family history, stories and pictures about everyone.

I'm back home now, nursing a sugarhighcrash - and I've got about 2 dozen more cupcakes here. Maybe I'll send them to work with the BF tomorrow before I go to the gym.

Ted Talk on String Theory

This is another awesome Ted Talk. Enjoy!

Bruce Returns

Several years ago I went though several months of reading most of  Bruce Chatwin's work. He is one of my favorite authors along with Italio Calvino and Jonathan Carroll. At that time I collected and read most of his books - but not all. A collection of short stories stared it's title at me most mornings. (I have a bookshelf facing my bed in the bedroom) called "What am I doing here?"

I pulled it out the other night and started reading. Immediately I was taken back to the delight of reading his prose. I came across Chatwin's writing just when I decided to make my writing both more non-fiction as well as fiction. The line between truth and reality is often fuzzy perception. I prefer to fuzz the line in the direction of fiction as far as possible while keeping the story activities in the truth. That's why for the past several years I've been walkabouting through intense activities - creating the borderlands. That and the novelty factor.

But there's something about coming back to a place you know well. A place you not only know but love well. That includes the writing of Bruce Chatwin.

My inspiration to travel has returned. I use to feed that wanderlust by traveling to the furthest, exotic, difficult, rugged locations. I've flown into tin shack airports in the south pacific in the middle of two political coups. I've traveled 5 hours over sand dunes to get to a remote beach in the north of Brazil - twice. I've boated up and down the Nile, picking through Eqyptian Temples and hiking into the pyramids, not to mention navigating haggling for belly dancing costumes in the largest bazaar in Turkey.

But those locations are no longer foreign. The most dangerous and exotic small locations in the world are right here in our backyard - it is a small town America.

This first occurred to me when I went to a small town outside of Reno to demolish some cars. Let, me take that back. This idea first occurred to me in 1996 while driving the gravel roads in fecund Iowa summer. It was a comparison of the fields, forests and plains of the midwest to the savanna of Africa. The only reason we don't think the things around us are exotic is because they are so familiar.

That is why I think the small town is a most exotic place. If you've ever lived in a small town - it's freaking hard to make a living. It's much harder to make a living in Cedar Falls, Iowa than New York City. Hard to believe, but true.

Anyway, I've meandered. My point is that in my travel revival due to Chatwin's wonderful writing I've restarting my exotic travels - to the most exotic locations on earth - small town America.

a crazy thought // the end of an era

I had an unusual sense of relaxation and contentment yesterday. Even as I drove through traffic and had difficult discussions - I felt - content. Satisfied. I looked down at the floor of my metaphorical stage and saw the bucket of balls I usually juggle. They beckoned to me to pick them up and show off - if only to myself.

But I didn't want to juggle them. I was happy with the few balls I had in the air. And I was happy with the balls in the bucket. (I haz a big buket.)

Then I thought, maybe I won't do as much and keep a relaxed and leisurely pace. Then I sat down and wrote out my dream life requirements - which were quite different from what I thought they would be. I care less about achievement than execution, but I want to leave my mark and make my contribution to our mutual self-actualization and evolution.

I do not want to ride the plow through the ocean waves.

This thought dovetails the arrival of my next intimate collaborator - a tricked out Thinkpad T61 that replaces my famous T42 (who was on the cover of the LA Times with me) that I've had for almost 5 years. I already see the emergence of one of my most secret and yet visible personas with T61. It's quite surprising it has not shown it's face before, but the time is now. I don't expect the gun wielding culture jamming explosive fire making hbomb will go away, but it's time to let her run free in the desert and get down to some serious work here in the city.