heathervescent

on boyfriend and techniques

I had a boyfriend once who did everything he could to spend every moment with me. He was constantly changing his schedule to meet up with me. I did the same. I'd take 2+ hour lunches. He's drive an extra 50 miles to take me to lunch. We call and coordinate and then call and change when something changed. He'd call when he had a moment. Email when he was by a computer. I checked my email constantly. He was devoted to the love, passion, the possibility. It made me feel important and special.

In some ways it was a great experience. But at the same time it put a lot of pressure on both of us and the relationship. On the US in the relationship. The relationship was more important than a lot of things in our lives. The gym, other friendships and relationships, business. We both were great at dealing with changes and taking advantage of the situation. But, what about the ME part of the relationship? What about the ME that was the interesting thing to get in a relationship in the first place? So much for that huh?Well, actually the ME part was very important. We had a great time, he was a major catalyst and I went through one of the most self-observing and self-learning parts of my life.

Nowdays, my life is a lot more about me. I'm not under the previous scrutiny. In fact, I feel very relaxed. I'm happy with who I am. The way my life has become. What I am doing. Who is in it. The challenges, the possibilities.

Ah, possibilities, potentials. I see trajectories. Various possibilities. Various future lives of Heather. Really it comes down to what I want to do with my life - what I want to do IN my life, and not focus on the possibilities. Although being open to the situation.

So I'm cool interacting with people with their own full lives. I'm not in any hurry to do anything. I've worked hard to feel comfortable being who I am, alone. Not part of a relationship. I'm interested to see how the bud unfolds. A new point of view. Holding judgments and sentiments that a mere year ago I would have made. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Today, I use that energy for other activities. And love as fully as I can with an abstract affection. A detached affection that can be gone in an instant and hang for an infinite moment.

The Four Distractions

It's always nice to have something to think about when the world is providing another opportunity for growth aka "challenge". I've got four distractions that take their turns in my brain when it's got an extra cycle: Books, Boys, Business and Blogs. Today I've been focusing on the first and last.

what you can take with you

you can't take money, jewels or even love. you take with you your memories of your life. your awareness of your adventures. you've got one shot, why worry about making mistakes? why not dare to take a risk?

as if I needed another reminder to live my life this way. maybe it's you my reader, who needs that reminder.

top down at night

It's been a rough day. Changes in plans. Emotional ups and downs. Looking forwards planned and dashed disappointments. The next week will be trying and rough. But I have the strength and power. The subtle and vulnerable. The sweet and caring. The daring and passion. The energy. This is a once in a lifetime experience. "Once in a lifetime, water flowing under ground...."

When the pressure gets too great, it's time for a break. Gloria and I went to dinner in Pasadena. I drove with the top down, the wind in our hair, Duran Duran on the radio. (Although I can't get the static on the radio song out of my head. The first time I heard that song, I swear I had heard it before on Taking Tiger by Strategy.) I speed along the Pasadena freeway dreaming of wearing a formal on a desert road trip coming someday soon. There are dreams out there and I'll dream them tonight, but tomorrow there is a flight and a dance to infinity.

reflections on risk

E and I were talking about Risk at lunch today and I realized that every single big risk I have ever taken has changed and improved my life in ways I could not imagine. I don't think of risks as failures or successes. I think of risks in terms of fear. My difficulty lies in getting beyond the fear churn and act. Fear is crucial to a good risk. Feeling the fear lets you know you're not stupid. That there are consequences to consider. However fear and those consequences should not stop you from doing the risky item.

When I thought about the unhappy parts of my life, they came about by me NOT taking a risk. By being afraid to act. By being blind to what I really wanted to do. The more I lied to myself about not acting or allowing the fear to paralyze me, the harder it became to act, and in the end the bigger the leap to a distant Brigadoon.

It's as if by taking the jump the universe buoys you up. The moment your feet leave the ground, an invisible force comes from the unknown and lifts you up. The universe wants us to take these leaps of faith. It wants us to challenge ourselves and change and evolve. And it will do everything you imagine and much that you cannot imagine to help achieve that. To provide the ground to land when the leap complete.

you can have it all

you just can't have it all at the same time.

RANT: on patience and persistence

I am very upset about some things. A few days ago I was happy to be who I am. Today, I want to kill myself so as to not ever have to interact with .....idiots.... ever again.

I used to think I was not patient. I know I am very persistent. I know how to stay focused. I know how to get things done. I get them done. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to give people the chance to do what they say they will do. I say my word and keep it, I _expect_ the same of others.

This is a fallacy. And I need to learn it.

Many people do not keep their word. Many people forget from one day to the next. If you expect someone to do what they say they will do, prepare to be disappointed. From returning a couple books you borrowed 6 months ago, to moving out, to a cube with a window. I have been patient. I have been waiting for people to do what they say they will - but they don't. Maybe they forget. Maybe they procrastinate. They just don't do what they say they will. So I get upset. I get REALLY upset. And I take it out on myself. Why do these people expect you to keep your side of the bargain or at least act civilly, when they have not kept their side of the agreement? This is what makes me want to cease to live. This is what makes me want to kill myself. Remove myself from this world so as to never have to interact with these selfish centered fucks.

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am disappointed over and over and over. It's all talk. It's all to calm you down. I'm not asking for much: the return of my books, time spent with you when you're available, money that supports my talents (and the ability to use them) and a work environment that does not suck my soul. But obviously that is too much to ask for. It's more important to sit around and watch TV, to order lunch for the executives, to "pretend" you are part of a life that you're really not. And it's "inappropriate" or "an outburst" or "emotional" to express anger, or sadness about it, because, "Heather, you're just going to have to get over it."

I'm disappointed with my fellow humans. I expected more of them. I expected them to do what they said they would. I'm sad they failed, because in their failing, they have shattered my worldview, which is upsetting.

I've realized I'm extremely patient. I wait until I am over my edge to let someone do what they say they will. I attempt to remedy the problem before it becomes a problem for me to no avail. But I'm not quiet. I don't let you forget. I remind you of the things you said to me. I'm persistent in the patience.

newfound respect for the ego

A few weeks ago when I was carpooling with Erika she mentioned her view of the ego. My understanding of what she said is that the ego serves only yourself. It gives you the support to do the things you want to do when anyone else (and the world) is telling you otherwise. It gives you internal strength and confidence to what YOU personally want. It's not negative at all. The ego is for your eyes only.

It was interesting to hear and think about. And it's been on my mind ever since. It's true, the ego does support yourself. When you are not thinking about anyone else and your ego expands to be your all encompassing view, the ego gets a negative connotation, it's no longer self-serving, it's expecting to be served. Thinking about this this way, made me realize how much negativity I have fixated on "the ego" and my ego and trying to become egoless or egopowerless. This is because when the ego expresses itself to others others have no interest in it. This frustrates ego and people act or react differently to this.

There is such a sense of freshness and release to have respect for my ego. To think about its positive position. To know that it can live and direct my life, without having to be a center of attention to others, or even be known to others. That gives me internal strength, fire, drive and confidence. Second guessing is the validation of my ego. This is an oxy-moron and something I struggle to overcome. Validation does nothing for the ego except usurp its power. I'm done with that.

egg tooth

I'm not shamed or embarrassed to cry in public. I've cried at the dinner table in restaurants more than once. You don't see much drama in real life these days. Recently I've been found crying at the Enterprise rent a car counter, on the phone to my insurance company, on the phone to my home warranty company, driving my car, in front of various work colleagues, in front of my friends, in front of my roommate, on the phone with my business partner, and on the phone with my soon to be x-boyfriend if he doesn't get his shit together. My liquid eyeliner runs and I wipe it off - so long to my Fellini look.

The past two weeks have been the most stressful, trying times in my recent future (last 10 years). Every single stable item in my life has one by one been cracked. Stability = gone. In the meantime the pressure has been mounting in all my activities. I kept asking myself what is the universe trying to teach me. What am I to learn? It climaxed yesterday with a complete and total breakdown. That was when the universe put the final squeeze on my life and I broke - completely and utterly break though.

You see, we all live in this egg of energy. It's what holds our worldview and keeps our personality in check with humanity. It's this worldview that allows us to interact - we've all agreed that that color is green or verde. We've agreed on a mutual worldview.

I've always pushed this button, both in myself and in others. I've found various paths that explain this and exploit it. There are various twists on what to do with this knowledge. I understand the words of many masters or gurus and teachers - billboards and fortune cookies. It's not synchronicity, it's the universe talking to you.

So what the hell am I supposed to learn from this build-up of pressure and final culmination yesterday? Ah, there was nothing to learn - it was a maneuver to cause me to crack - and crack I did, and start using my metaphorical egg tooth. My old world is gone, my old world view is gone with it. I live in the future - literally and metaphorically. And only now with my slow chipping away of the shell will I hatch and rise into something never before. I wonder what that will be? Butterfly, chick, snakeling, it's sure to be interesting. And you'll see it all here on heathervescent.

inspiration invincible

This morning I took Las Flores Canyon Road up to the ridge. The ride was gorgeous. Twisking roads going up my hands flying on the wheel back and forth and back and forth and the views of the rocks and the chaparral - just what I needed. Going to a high place, stopping and enjoying the view and then the ride down.

I realized that I like climbing to the peak and part of that experience is being at the top - although you are at the top just for a moment. A moment to savor the view, to breath the crisp air.

When I drive these roads I always feel a pang because I don't live on them. I don't live in these mountains with these views as my daily views. But in reality these are my daily views. The tiny moments I experience on these roads, seeing these hills is something I experience every day. No body can own these views or all these mountains. So why should I want to? I have the freedom to experience these roads, this landscape every day. There are many roads and I can take any of them that I want. I am not limited to the freeway or Malibu Canyon. I experience the climbing rush up the canyon, the cool moistness from the trees, the brisk wind up top and the sun warming my back as it burns off the purple haze in the valley.

A moment of inspiration and then the return to invincibility and the path down the mountain. It's just as exciting looking up around you, seeing the mountains and knowing you were up there. Remembering the view.

consumerism

It's the holiday shopping season and of course that means the glut of shopping, spending money and buying stuff.

I was walking through a shop in Menlo Park last week with a friend and we realized we have very different experiences of shopping and purchasing. He goes into a store and sees interesting things. Just knowing that these things exist and if he has a few moments to admire or hold them are satisfying. I, on the other hand, go into a store and see things, could imagine wearing or using or having them around to admire in my own space and want to own them. I like to find interesting things to give to someone. It's something new they wouldn't find or something I want to see the reaction of the person.

Sometimes I give people things as an investment. I give them something because I want something back. Sometimes this is obvious and I'm aware of it and sometimes I'm not. I really try to stay away from this because it's not satisfying and backfires in the end. Sometimes the attachment is due to the cost. It's the ROI (return on investment) with the gift. Did/Is the person getting the amount of satisfaction / excitement / etc. from the gift I gave them? Is that reaction worth $50, $500 or $5000? Sometimes it is. (That's the basis of the priceless Visa ads.) Yes, some things are priceless - but can be bought with money. (Also this can be applied in reverse - I got a bargain and that person really really liked it.) Commensurate.

Sometimes I give people things with attachments. This is slightly different than giving investments. Giving something with attachments is a kind of homework. It's a particular type of energy I put into the gift - I suppose you could compare it with guilt (although guilt is more of an investment than attachment). However, I'm detached on the outcome of the "homework". I could care less if they pick up on the attachment - I've given them this gift to point them in a direction they need to go in - they can choose to pay attention or ignore it.

I get tremendous satisfaction by the act of purchasing.

Sometimes I buy things because I like the store - it's funky, hip or unique and I want to support it. Sometimes the products are interesting and I want them to be out in the world - not on display in a store. Sometimes I'm feeling off and I end up buying way more than I mean to. Sometimes I buy things to be excessive with money. Sometimes I buy things and then regret buying them later. Sometimes I return them, sometimes I am too tired, scared, embarrassed to return them. It's just money after all. And you can always make more money.

Realizing that I am somewhat satisfied by buying stuff made me feel shallow. I've always thought that consumerism and shopping to satisfy something inside you made you shallow. So when I told Carson that I realized I feel validated and get pleasure from spending money he just laughed. Laughed and laughed and laughed as we drove down Sunset. Does the awareness that you get pleasure from a "shallow" activity make you shallow? Being shallow with awareness. That sounds deep. ;)

so much excitement

I blasted to work this morning - the top is down, my voice is coming back, I'm listening to my Roky Erikson tribute album. I am so happy to have decided to move and buy a place here and I suppose "settle" down. I think it's anything but settling... but we'll see. Alex was talking about buying a nice place where he could live ... forever, or at least a long time. This was an interesting reminder to me, because I used to so much have this feeling. That I wanted a house  where I could live "for all time". I had forgotten that's the way I felt about it. It's not surprising since I've been ungrounded for almost a year down. I've gotten comfortable with this freedom - however of recent it's been tiring. It's time to lock down and do some earthquake retrofitting.

I also feel like it's time to start being who I am again. It's not that I haven't been myself, but in this transition period (which is more or less over) I've given myself a long long leash from who I was. This has been good because I've tried on different personalities and taken a vacation from the person I had been for a good 5 years. That person is still who I am and there are characteristics of her that I really like and want to be; but I'm not limited to those choices and that world view anymore. The past few months have been an incorporation of the vacation heather and the pre-vacation heather. The selecting and weaving of characteristics from each skein. It's who I am. And part of who I am needs to be closer to earth nature... hence how good it feels to move inland.

My time at the ocean is coming to a close. I love the idea of living by the ocean, but the ocean is effective for me when I need to make great change; which I have been doing in the past year. What I need now, is grounding. And for that, I go to the mountains. I go to the trees.

There's so much excitement going on, on all fronts and the trick is to be sober and focused and remember what I want and do it. I feel like I can do anything - not like I am superwoman (I used to try very hard to be superwoman). Sure, it will take time, energy, hard work and there will be unexpected occurrences, ups and downs - but it's nothing I can't deal with. There's nothing I can't do (that I want to). The unknown and unexpected is what makes life interesting. It's what allows us the ability to respond.

what do I want?

It's a question I ask myself. I find myself knowing exactly what I want and how to get it and be it. And then, something changes.

As I experience the world, is the fine tuning of what I want. And that changes based on the landscape changing. I was worried about this. Worried that I could not be consistant. But I am consistant in my exploration. And consistant in experience. It's reader response. Or literally: Heather response.

But it's time for a new set of actions. I want my own place - my own space. And there are some other things too. More on them later.

my new work mantra

"it's not about winning, it's about making dreams come true."

boys

ok, it's one last post for tonight... I just want to write a little about something I've been thinking a lot about recently - boys. Can I just say, thank you universe. I admit, I had some concerns, I didn't think the kind of boy I like was out there ... but thank you for continuing to point them out to me. It's helping me identify the characteristics that I really like and are important. Like power, intelligence, bullshitter, vulnerable, sensitive, good with tools (chain saws and vibrators) and the list goes on. Thanks. I'm having a lot of fun.

a year ago

... I was getting ready for Clint's 29th birthday and the Wonderella Printed Open House at 1204 Neilson street. A few days later I moved out of the house and that was the jump for my leap of faith. It's been almost a year, and where I was then, to where I am today, is dramatically different.

Driving on the 405 tonight, I felt that LA is finally my home. The whole point of getting a job was to solidify my life in LA. It's done that after only 1 week. The moving transition is over. And although the adventure has been going on for years, it's a new chapter in the adventure. Let's see where this one leads us.

An Angel in Heaven

I get to my new computer and on the monitor is this wonderful sticker. In a red box it says:

"I want heaven"

I think it's great. and I love it being on my monitor. And of course I agree, I want heaven - and even as I'm typing this right now, I know I'm living in heaven right now. Ha ha - I'm an angel in heaven.

what's on my whiteboard and in my head

The morning has brought Bjork out of the box and although things have changed from when I was Bjork happy a few months ago, it is still very pertinant. I'm amazed at how wonderful Bjork is and how she very easily describes my emotions and conflicts and feelings about relationships and love.

Every morning I wake up to see my whiteboard. Of all the office equipment I have ever used, a whiteboard is my favorite. I keep various colored markers and scribble notes and thoughts and things I am thinking of that I want to remember. I keep it at the end of my bed, so I see if before I go to sleep and when I wake up.

I was reading it last night and this morning and I saw some items I wrote on it before I left for the desert. My friend Marlee was in town and we were having a lot of discussions about relationships, what we're looking for in relationships, whether we were emotionally available, male/female dynamics (from the standard typical moral model to one based around sorcery). I fully intend to be in a relationship that transcends typical male/female role models. I've already had the relationship where I wore the pants and was the man. I'm not interested in being the traditional woman dependant on a man. And I'm not interested in a fully equal partnership - because true equality does not exist, it is always in flux. Marlee was saying that since I am a woman, don't try to be another role - be the woman. Be the beautiful, soft object there that the man comes home to cherish. I have a problem with that because I'm not interested in being put up on a pedestal or being a typical woman - or a typical human for that matter.

Although I did have a flash of enlightenment on why men are paid higher than women - it's because society and traditional corporations still believe that the man is supposed to take care of the woman and so of course the man needs to make more money because he has to support a woman, while all a woman has to do is support herself or find a man to support her. With this thinking I tried on the hat that maybe I would just find some sugar daddy to take care of me, open my car door and all I would have to be is my effervescent self, look beautiful and take yoga classes every week. Oh, yeah whatEVER! That hat lasted on my head for about a day.

So where does that leave me in identifying the characteristics for a relationship that I want to have? It's put me on guard - watching, paying attention to the characteristics of the various men I interact with. What do I like? What's a passing interest? Do I believe a long term relationship is possible? What about the "K" question? I've been making mental notes. I'm not on the hunt - I'm gathering information. It's an interesting technique and one I have used in all other facets of my life, but never applied to this one. By doing this, I'm also learning a lot about myself and what I like. It's not so random and interesting things pop up.

Anyway, I've totally digressed. I was going to type about my scribblings on the whiteboard. They are not so personal. Marlee was reading some book and we pulled the sentences out of it.

--> Forgiveness dissolves tension and promotes patience.
--> Gravity = the Attraction of Mass for itself
--> Love = the Attraction of Life for itself

I found these interesting to ponder. I don't know if I agree with them - but they roll around in my head and make me think in a new way.

you have the power

you can change your life in an instant. with a moment. with a pause. with a choice. you change your life by changing the stories you tell yourself, with the stories you tell others. one experience spawns many stories.

the power comes in a silent pause and just as easily returns when the chatter starts up again.

How to live life like you're on vacation.

A couple months ago Carson gave this advice to a friend of his who was agnsting about his life state: "Why don't you try living like you're always on vacation?" This advice was promptly discarded, but Carson and I talked about this. I wondered, how would you live life like on vacation? Vacation was on the simple level, not working, but a deeper exploration made me realize that it's not just about not working, it's about choosing what you experience. I've been keeping this in mind as I lived the past 8+ months and trying to put it into practice, but it's been hard. I've been ungrounded, detached, not hooking onto anything, uncomfortably floating around in the human soup. It occurred to me that there is an easy way to live life like you are on vacation. Ask yourself, "Self, what do I want to experience today?" Choosing what you experience is being on vacation. You may say, "Today I want to experience exhilaration and the open air." Then get on your bike and ride along Ocean Walk - or jump in the convertible and drive up through the hills. Even when the car breaks down in the middle of Venice and Lincoln, you can choose what you want to experience.

So that's how to live life like you are on vacation: Decide what you want to experience, and then experience it. It's all up to you.

after enlightenment

it's true. after enlightenment you still chop the wood and carry the water. just because you have seen the light of the universe doesn't mean you get whisked away to the land of eternal wise. you see more. see more motivations. understand people in all their glory. you still have to have to live and eat. You will pass your time doing various things - and it doesn't matter what you do - as long as you do them.

That goes for those of us who aren't enlightened yet too. ;)

random thoughts and drives

A lot has been percolating in my brain the past couple weeks as I drive around, stop with some quasi drama, keep the calm, deal with drama, keep going as if no bump in the road.

I've been thinking about loneliness and what it means to live alone. The freedom, the power, the sadness, human connection, touch, interaction. What do _I_ want? It's something that I know most of the time and occasionally get confused and unsure and insecure. Especially as I try on different personas (go outside my comfort zone) and hang out with different personalities.

Typing of personas, I've been trying on the slacker persona with no luck whatsoever. I like to _do_ things. It's in the doing of things that I am. By rubbing myself up against experiences (by doing things) I learn about myself - what do I actually do in any given situation, other than what I think I would do. It's interesting and enlightening.

I've been watching a slew of movies: Naked Lunch, Eraserhead, She-Devils on Wheels, The Village, What the bleep do we know. They're all about creating a new reality. I had never seen Eraserhead before and I was surprised at how the story was completely main-stream - which makes the expression of it (Lynch's style) all the more obvious. My downstairs neighbor's cat yowls just like the eraserhead baby - which made for a strange awakening occasionally last week.

And then I've been exploring the roads en motorcycle and convertible. Yesterday Carson and I drove around the Santa Monica Mountains on various roads that connected to the Mulholland Highway. These roads are amazing. They somewhat remind me of northern California Marin and to the north roads, but there are way more canyons. They are sharper mountains, young and rugged and very ominous. The mountains are powerful and raw and somewhat scare me in a way I'm not sure how or why. As I drove on these roads the view of my life shifted, I could live up here - in fact - I've always wanted to live in a rugged place like this. It seems so far away from civilization, but Malibu is a mere 15 miles away, the suburbs of the San Fernando Valley are another 15 miles away. Santa Monica is not much more than 25 miles away. The more this percolates in my mind, the more it appeals to me.

I also did some exploring on the east side of the Santa Monica Mountains. I wove my way up the valley side of Griffith Park and scooted through it stopping by the Carousel. I was riding my motorcycle and the organ circus grinder music caught my attention. I could almost recognize the songs - they were Felliniesque. As I pulled into the parking lot I was greeted by a scrawny coyote waiting around for scraps. I parked my iron horse up under a tree. Removed my helmet and jacket and sauntered down, clop clopping in my Daytona riding boots, towards the spinning circle. I bought a ticket and a gum ball and smacked my teeth blowing bubbles until it was time to mount a wooden horse. The time came and I was pulled to a horse with a carved helmet piece. As I write this now, it seems perfect that I would be drawn to this horse, but at the time I was unaware of the connection. I jumped up on her, my jacket laying across my knees and we waited for the music to begin.

I have this delight of riding carousels. The music, the wind, the spinning that blurs the outside world. As I rode on the spinning circle, watching the empty horses go up and down in mechanical motion, it occurred to me that it doesn't matter which horse I got on to ride. The ride was still the ride and would end and begin. The horses were there for me to ride. They could not get cut lose and run free like the mural at Ocean Park and 5th in Santa Monica. And that was ok. Because I was there, sitting on one, watching the way the world works. Replace the horses with people and personalities and costumes. I buy a ticket and can try on any costume I want. But I have to pick the same costume for the duration of the ride. Some carousels have only horses and others have all kinds of fantastic animals. This is another costume parameter. The organ music added to the surrealness of my vision. I was reminded of the woman swinging in that Fellini film, the faces with their dark eyeliner, the eyes outlined, the mouths in various gestures of which words do not exist to categorize.

The music stopped. The movement stopped. I got off and walked up the hill to Lady Knight, where she was waiting for me under the trees.

Noticing the programming

A fun time last night, but I'm reminded of the pre-programmed hard/soft-wired stuff in my body/brain. Eating, drinking, dancing, driving. I love listening to the music and go where it takes me. Pretend to be various roles. I am fully these personalities that come out. I was the jerk with the door guy doing his job. The somewhat drunk girl. Detachedly checking out the scene and people in the scene. Talking to guys, yet trying to appear unavailable. That is somewhat difficult being single and new and friendly and wanting to make connections, but not really in that way. Which causes me to ponder about relationships. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't want a relationship (although there's that one in the background - the third staircase). It's strange though, because, the part of a relationship role is one I've been in for a really long time. It's been a great role, because it has sheltered me from the sexual "onslaught" (whatever) with my unavailability. Now, I've got to create that for myself. And self-subterfuge exists. It's not about control - controlling or "weeding" out these hard and soft wired programming, it's about awareness. Being aware of the pre-programming and knowing what I want to do.

More than anything, I wish I had been more aware.

back home

The sun set on the last day of Spring. It's now a hot summer night. I'm back home. It's always a hot drive on 5 through the San Joaquin Valley. I see the blue of the aqueduct and dream to jump in. In my car I brought with me: Ms Salvia, a chest of drawers for my clothes and a bird's head in a velvet ring box among other things.

I was in SF for a few days longer than I originally planned - but then, I wasn't that surprised with house drama happened and other delightful distractions occurred. I saw some good movies, notably, Shakes the Clown and Napoleon Dynamite. Also saw Coffee and Cigarettes a few weeks ago. I'll write reviews of them in the next few days.

Being up north was somewhat discombobulated. I had no home. I stayed in my house - a jumbled mess with painting and carpeting and then finally finding its personality. I stayed in my old place (and x-boyfriend/roommate's place) in SF. And I stayed in a hotel near Union Square. It's neat to be able to get up and go and stay at any variety of places - the freedom is there. However at the same time it's somewhat ... new ... to not be rooted anywhere. It's a new feeling to be a visitor in your old town. An intimate visitor. As much as I love the bay area, the life I had there, my friends and lovers past and new, my home is south - and that's where I want to be. And here I am. Home again, home again.

this is scary close

How to make a heathervescent

Ingredients: 1 part pride 5 parts brilliance 3 parts leadership

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of fitness

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Thanks again for finding this Yoko.

reading page 119 in sleeping in flame propelled my thoughts into a new thought dimension. Carroll didn't spell it out like this, but he wrote in some hooks that, like the midget, pushed me out the window. these thoughts are my own and I wasn't doing anything other than drinking coffee and breathing the Venice air.

These ideas
- there is a finite amount of time in which life exists (say 0-N)
- there are a finite number of vessels (anything that has "life" from a cicada to you reading this right now.
- reincarnation happens, but you don't always come back in the future. you can come back at any point in the finite timeness of life
- in fact, there really is no time. "Time" is what allows awareness to experience itself and evolve (i.e. learn)
- we are recycled constantly into the "past", "present", "future"
- this recycling within time, within vessels (bodies) happens constantly. It is a constant circle.
- Perhaps through the cycle, you are recycled into every single living thing that has, does and will ever exist.
- There is really no difference between you and that jerk who cut you off on the freeway today. One life you are the one being cut off, the next you are being cut off. and if there is no difference between you and that jerk between the millions and millions of years difference from switching bodies - what is the real different between you today?
- You could say that the myth of Heaven and Hell explains this in perfect symbolism.
- some people will experience all the forms and vessels of life.
- some will experience very few.
- there will be times when the "world", "the arena" are filled with many vessels
- and times when there are very few
- and they will evolve and mutate and create and destroy and everything you can possibly imagine and more

- And there is a way out or a way beyond the circle/cycle.
- But it doesn't really matter whether or not you care or even know about all this. Or if you get out or transcend it.

So you over there, reading this entry. Hello you. You're me. And I'm you, thinking and typing this right now.

Thinking all this, made me almost feel hopeless. Why bother almost came into mind. Why continue to exist if I'm "doomed" to be all these jerks or have the amazing opportunity to experience everything. To be a man, a woman, a mother, a killer, killed, an un-elected president, a dictator, an activist, a nomad and everything else. I've been all those things and I've been the opposite and I'm all those things and the opposite right now.

But no really, I'm just an almost divorced 30 year old woman with the ability to fascinate almost anyone. But then again, I'm also all of you too.

so now I'm here. I specifically left this part of my plan open - planning for the unplanned to happen. and here it has begun. it's begun with my purpose.

so, what is my purpose? It's time for a new one.
It's also an opportunity to to review and project:
- What did it used to be that I thought I was here for? (What were my goals?)
- What will it be that the future heather will think she is here for? (What will the Heather to be goals be?)

It just occured to me that my current purpose is to clean out my own programming. My social, personality, society, chemical algorithms.

We don't even realize how programmed we are. I was looking through a book from the bookshelf this morning. It was about Native Americans from 1956. There were diaramas of "traditional" indian life. Mock ups from various museums. My favorite one was the indian nuclear family. The model of family life. It shows a woman tending a bowl in the fire, the man sitting on the bed carving and a baby hanging in a cradleboard. I really question this as a scene from indian life. What this photograph shows is the 1950 family model applied to another culture.

Did you catch that? That 1950's cultural programming of the nuclear family just hiding there in the museum display and the books you read as a child?

That's what I'm talking about. Noticing that programming. Being aware that it is there. Not that you can really do anything to change your programming - but you can be aware of it. And in that moment of awareness you have a choice - a choice to follow the programming or do something different. And really, like Gandhi said, it doesn't really matter what you do, but it is VERY important that you do it.

the great time about time is, that it just keeps on going and you don't have to do anything about it.

"ut oh, I lost track of time for a minute. at least I think it was only a minute that I lost track of." ;)

It's very different here. I can already feel it. I'm not exactly sure what it is. The energy is different? I felt it as I came down from Castaic into the San Fernando Valley. I don't care about putting my finger on it, but it is very specifically different. Different from the Bay Area, different from previous visits.

here I am. I'm in my place in Venice Beach. I've dreamed about living here. I've thought, planned, researched, traveled, packed, got in my car and drove. and now I'm here. So now comes the interesting part...

now life gets creative. (not like it wasn't in the first place).

now, life is a new adventure.

I haven't been posting much the past few days - I've been busy with lots of last minute packings and gotten tired over and over. I leave today. I leave in a few hours. I have a car to pack and a final goodbye.

When Clint and I arrived in the bay area, the first place we stopped was at a coffee shop in Potrero Hill. I've planned this event for years and never known the date. I'll stop by Farley's, write an entry in my journal, see one last person and then I'll get on 280 and drive south. I'll have the north wind at my back. I'll fly south on the her strong, precise flow.

The sky is clear. I look out this window that has been my morning companion for months. I see the things I have always seen - sutro tower, the church, the water tower, the birds swooping, the tops of the plum trees, the wind swept evergreen. There's not a cloud in the sky. A contrast to the typical foggy san francisco summer weather of the past two days.

I stand surveying my storage unit. It's packed with a bunch of boxes. Today it will get another load with furniture. Wow - all that stuff is mine. All this is baggage. My personal history. It's kind of cool that it's there - my personalities boxed up in brown boxes. But at the same time, it's so much crap, how important are these things? Could I just leave them behind? By doing so, would I lose/forget some part of myself?

Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust

Really though, I'm a Sorcerette, warrior, enchantress, petulant child and 14 year old boy all rolled into one. What FUN!

In Jonathan Carroll's Land of Laughs, two writers bring characters to life. This is a book about dreaming. It's a story about making a dream reality, a character real. And in reality, that's what we're actually doing. You, yes, you there reading this post, you are a character that is real. Who made you? Did you make yourself? Or was it your parents, teachers, peers, township, culture? Who/What made you who you are? Can you change who you are? (It take a lot of energy.) Do you believe that you have complete and utter control over who you are? Do you know you can change? You can be whatever you want to be. All you have to do is dream. Dream in complete. Dream with spaces for the unknown. Dream "reality."

Because this world is a dream. We perceive it. We perceive it differently. I see the fog outside my window - hiding sutro tower and the mixed feelings travel my nervous system superhighway.

Damn, it's a foggy day again.
Oh cool, the fog is so thick and beautiful.
I can't wait until I'm typing my blog out on the beach in Santa Monica.
I love being wrapped in the cool fog.
I wonder if the sun will come out and I'll still go on a picnic today?

These impressions, these feelings, these emotions, these perceptions. Which Heather do they come from? The norcal snob, the transitioner, the excited changatrix, the enchantress, pragmator, the contrarian.

Layers of the onion. So when you peel the onion, you don't actually throw away the pieces. They are cut, peeled away, added to the pot, fried up with the steak, slivered into the salad.

Back to the dream. You can change who you are. You are changing right now. Do you feel alive? Aware? I'm speaking directly to you, reading this. Can't you hear my voice? These words are not printed matter.

I find it's often helpful to know what you want to change towards and have a picture, vision, algorythm in mind. Otherwise, you may wake up a Bull Terrier. Which I suppose would not be so bad. I wouldn't be so excited to wake up a kafkeque cockroach, but I suppose there are worse things. I could wake up a corporate slave or confused teenager or stuck in a normal boring life.

Para viajar, basta existir. To travel, is to exist.

I was walking on the beach in santa monica towards venice. It was actually about 28 hours ago now.

I was jumping up and down on the sand. I was successful. I did what I came for. I know where I'll be the next 4 months. I have a new mailing address. You could say I'm a Santa Monica resident now. I return to SF only for my belongings. A few more loose ends and then to the south.

I cannot express how excited I am.
Everything is falling into place.
Following the path of least resistance.
Even the ties strengthening in the bay area.
Others have been cut, some released, some bonded more.
There is a reason for all these.

I'm interested to see where they all go. I'm detached, yet in the thick of experiencing. I put my ego aside, yet I feel these emotions so strongly. I am again a tool. I will be a perfect tool.

"I'll give you what you want
mind
body
soul
...
...
...
except one thing,
I have to escape."

That's the only kind of commitment I can give.

"I took. I went and took.
What did I leave in return?
My change."

I'm a catalyst. A tool of the universe. And in being used, I too am sharpened and honed.

it's oh so quiet, possibly maybe, hyperballad

i came across a tape my brother gave me a few years ago (5 or so). the last track included bjork's "it's oh so quiet". I had forgotten about this fabulous song. It trades between very quiet life is oh so quiet and sane and ok and bursts, blasts, clangs, rangs, bells and parades of falling in love belting out of lyrics.

i picked up a couple bjorks at amoeba last week, including telegram, a most excellent remix album. They version of hyper ballad on this album is amazing.

"It's real early morning, no one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
still throwing things out
I listen to the sounds they make on their way down
I follow with my eyes till they crash
I image what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks
and when it lands will my eyes be open or clos-ed"

I have often had the feeling of wanting to impale my body on land masses. I've seen beautiful mountain sunsets that urge me to feed with my blood. When I visited Foz do Iguacu in Brazil/Argentina, it was only a survival code in my brain that stopped me from jumping to my death in the falls. I watched the sun set over corn fields and a riverway from the top of a bluff and pull myself back from the edge, so as to not fly as the black birds already airborne.

It's a strong feeling. It's the overwhelming power of natural beauty. I experience it and desire to experience nothing more. It's my passionate response to large land masses.

1. Don't lie to yourself
2. No matter what, never change for someone else
3. Learn as much as you can
4. Don't force your ideas or ideals on others
5. Hate no one
6. Love all you can
7. Wake up happy
8. Never quit
9. Always Question
10. Have a way out
11. ... ... ...

-----------

I occasionally come across this piece of paper. It's my rules to live by. I wrote it when I was 15 and have kept it around. I came across it again yesterday as I was packing. It never ceases to amaze me how exactly this is how I live my life.

It's an overcast day here out my window. Low clouds over San Francisco. The tips of Sutro Tower (Pao de Asucar) dragging it's three prongs in the fog, like dragging your fingers in water.

Touch the world lightly.

The big tasks are progressing. The house should be more or less prepped to go on the market early next month. It's not hard to divide objects, contents of the house, friends. My anger seeps in when we talk about bank accounts, 401k, stock accounts, house profits. There are good days and bad days. There are papers to file. Attorney's to pay. The world of hustling, not honest contributions. Detachment is the key.

Not a lesson I am enjoying learning.

One day, many years ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table. It was a humid balmy midwestern day. I watched as a spider dropped down from the chandelier onto the table. It detached itself from the thread and walked down the table away from where it came. The spider had everything it needed to survive.

You have everything you need.

I've been thinking about speaking in gestures. The world understand gestures. Those times you go out on a limb. The times you take a risk. Because, really, what do you have to lose except some self-importance.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm heading south to the edge of the Mojave to this amazing ranch in the San Bernardino Mts north of LA. I really want to spend more time out there, but I have boxes to pack, a house to sell, etc. etc. I'll have lifted all roots from the Bay Area soon enough.

There are other things I could get all excited about. Want to make actions or have decisions made. But now is the time of waiting. As much as I like to do it myself, the world doesn't go on Heather's timeline. So I'll wait. I'll watch. I'll learn. I'll be detached while feeling the full range of emotions. That's controlled folly. Complete detachment while in thick of it.

My friend Marlee was telling me a story about Onions. She was looking for the core of an onion - the center of the onion - at which level does the onion become the center? Her conclusion was that the whole onion is the core.

I've been thinking about this the past few months and more so in the past few days. An onion. I feel like an onion. There are so many masks to my personality. "Still know nothing about me." None of them are fully who I am. "Steal my eyeballs and come back for the sockets." But they are all some part. "Pour over everything in my C.V." But each of those masks are part of me. "Run every kind of test, from A to Z." And make up a core of who I am. "Run my name through your computer." Yet at the same time, it's not me. "Take my fingerprints, if you are able." Who I am is a fleeting feeling. "Search my house with a fine tooth comb." And no one knows me all. "Check if I paid my income tax." There is but one person who does. "Pick my brain, pick my pockets." C'est Moi.

I was talking with my friend barbarzinho today and the subject of how we see other people came up. We were sitting in Cafe Borone in Menlo Park. I had just come from a few hours in Filoli (more on it later). He said he didn't identify me with the way I look - or visually - more with my personality and voice. I said I sometimes look in the mirror and am surprised with what I see. What I look like is rarely who I think I am. I don't know what I would expect me to look like, but I am often surprised. We talked about knowing people not visually. On more than one occasion I have looked at friends and seen them different. It's always a strange sensation. It's seeing them on a different level. It's seeing them through a different lens.

The sunshine glinting off a couple grey strands. Seeing a face differently, as if in a dream. A feeling. Affection.

Not that surprising. I love these things. I don't know what it is about them, but I love seeing what other people and things say about me. Of course I have that Sting refrain "Still no nothing about me" going through me head. Because I know with complete and utter certainty that I could, have and will drop/change all of these characteristics of my personality at any time. Be aware. ;)

you are darkorange #FF8C00

Your dominant hues are red and yellow... most of what you do is motivated by your need to change things and have a good time, but you've been known to settle down and think out a situation, too. You tend to surprise people just when they're starting to feel like they've got you down. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I got this AWESOME orange bikini today in Pa'ia, Maui. Unfortunately it was an hour and half before my flight left to return to San Fran. but it's brazilian cut and the top is large enough to fit my LA size titas. (No implants needed.) They have been the bane of my bikini existance as I LOVE love LOVE brazilian cut bikinis, but they mostly make them for women with tiny tits (prefered brazilian body type: big butt tiny tits). But now, I have the tiny tanga bottom with the top that fits but is not like all midwestern and sheit. ;)

I'm reading Bruce Chatwin's Biography and it's very interesting. (5+ hours on SF to Maui and back get's you a long stretch of reading time). It's interesting to read about Chatwin's personal history. Of course, this is not all there was to/about him, but it's a different view. I'm learning a lot more about him from behind his writing, things I wouldn't necessarily have gotten from reading his stuff. There are things I identify about him. Things I cannot. Surprise, envy, excitement, sorrow. It's such a candid look at a person. A real person.

I was on a dive trip once and I spent an evening talking with this guy. At the beginning of the evening we knew hardly anything about each other. We just had our small interactions to base our judgements of each other. The night waxed late. The air was balmy and it was time to turn in. I think I asked him what he thought of me after the candid conversation we had had - I don't remember his answer, or if he did. I do remember he asked me what I thought of him. I pondered for a moment. Before that evening, I thought he was a happy go lucky free wheeling diver sporty guy with a baseball cap and moustach from the 80s. After that night of conversations, he became a real person to me. He told me some great stories. Those masks we wear in front of so many people came off during our conversation. He became a real person, and I no longer had a judgement about who I thought he was. My judgement didn't matter. He was a real person, with varied textures, passions and wounds and stories and interests. That's what it came down to. He was another person.

That's what I feel is happening with Chatwin. He's becoming a real person to me. Not this vision of who I think Chatwin is. Of course I will never experience Bruce Chatwin in the flesh - his dust is buried in Greece. But my preconceptions: feelings of glamour, excitement, jealous of his travel and adventures, etc. are burning off. What matters is that he was a real person. He lived, he experienced, he traveled, he wrote, he died.

And after all, I have my own set of Chatwinesque adventure stories and statues...

the algorithm of the human race

reading page 119 in sleeping in flame propelled my thoughts into a new thought dimension. Carroll didn't spell it out like this, but he wrote in some hooks that, like the midget, pushed me out the window. these thoughts are my own and I wasn't doing anything other than drinking coffee and breathing the Venice air.

These ideas
- there is a finite amount of time in which life exists (say 0-N)
- there are a finite number of vessels (anything that has "life" from a cicada to you reading this right now.
- reincarnation happens, but you don't always come back in the future. you can come back at any point in the finite timeness of life
- in fact, there really is no time. "Time" is what allows awareness to experience itself and evolve (i.e. learn)
- we are recycled constantly into the "past", "present", "future"
- this recycling within time, within vessels (bodies) happens constantly. It is a constant circle.
- Perhaps through the cycle, you are recycled into every single living thing that has, does and will ever exist.
- There is really no difference between you and that jerk who cut you off on the freeway today. One life you are the one being cut off, the next you are being cut off. and if there is no difference between you and that jerk between the millions and millions of years difference from switching bodies - what is the real different between you today?
- You could say that the myth of Heaven and Hell explains this in perfect symbolism.
- some people will experience all the forms and vessels of life.
- some will experience very few.
- there will be times when the "world", "the arena" are filled with many vessels
- and times when there are very few
- and they will evolve and mutate and create and destroy and everything you can possibly imagine and more

- And there is a way out or a way beyond the circle/cycle.
- But it doesn't really matter whether or not you care or even know about all this. Or if you get out or transcend it.

So you over there, reading this entry. Hello you. You're me. And I'm you, thinking and typing this right now.

Thinking all this, made me almost feel hopeless. Why bother almost came into mind. Why continue to exist if I'm "doomed" to be all these jerks or have the amazing opportunity to experience everything. To be a man, a woman, a mother, a killer, killed, an un-elected president, a dictator, an activist, a nomad and everything else. I've been all those things and I've been the opposite and I'm all those things and the opposite right now.

But no really, I'm just an almost divorced 30 year old woman with the ability to fascinate almost anyone. But then again, I'm also all of you too.

the new adventure begins

so now I'm here. I specifically left this part of my plan open - planning for the unplanned to happen. and here it has begun. it's begun with my purpose.

so, what is my purpose? It's time for a new one.
It's also an opportunity to to review and project:
- What did it used to be that I thought I was here for? (What were my goals?)
- What will it be that the future heather will think she is here for? (What will the Heather to be goals be?)

It just occured to me that my current purpose is to clean out my own programming. My social, personality, society, chemical algorithms.

We don't even realize how programmed we are. I was looking through a book from the bookshelf this morning. It was about Native Americans from 1956. There were diaramas of "traditional" indian life. Mock ups from various museums. My favorite one was the indian nuclear family. The model of family life. It shows a woman tending a bowl in the fire, the man sitting on the bed carving and a baby hanging in a cradleboard. I really question this as a scene from indian life. What this photograph shows is the 1950 family model applied to another culture.

Did you catch that? That 1950's cultural programming of the nuclear family just hiding there in the museum display and the books you read as a child?

That's what I'm talking about. Noticing that programming. Being aware that it is there. Not that you can really do anything to change your programming - but you can be aware of it. And in that moment of awareness you have a choice - a choice to follow the programming or do something different. And really, like Gandhi said, it doesn't really matter what you do, but it is VERY important that you do it.

arrived

the great time about time is, that it just keeps on going and you don't have to do anything about it.

"ut oh, I lost track of time for a minute. at least I think it was only a minute that I lost track of." ;)

It's very different here. I can already feel it. I'm not exactly sure what it is. The energy is different? I felt it as I came down from Castaic into the San Fernando Valley. I don't care about putting my finger on it, but it is very specifically different. Different from the Bay Area, different from previous visits.

here I am. I'm in my place in Venice Beach. I've dreamed about living here. I've thought, planned, researched, traveled, packed, got in my car and drove. and now I'm here. So now comes the interesting part...

now life gets creative. (not like it wasn't in the first place).

now, life is a new adventure.

goodbye

I haven't been posting much the past few days - I've been busy with lots of last minute packings and gotten tired over and over. I leave today. I leave in a few hours. I have a car to pack and a final goodbye.

When Clint and I arrived in the bay area, the first place we stopped was at a coffee shop in Potrero Hill. I've planned this event for years and never known the date. I'll stop by Farley's, write an entry in my journal, see one last person and then I'll get on 280 and drive south. I'll have the north wind at my back. I'll fly south on the her strong, precise flow.

The sky is clear. I look out this window that has been my morning companion for months. I see the things I have always seen - sutro tower, the church, the water tower, the birds swooping, the tops of the plum trees, the wind swept evergreen. There's not a cloud in the sky. A contrast to the typical foggy san francisco summer weather of the past two days.

all this crap

I stand surveying my storage unit. It's packed with a bunch of boxes. Today it will get another load with furniture. Wow - all that stuff is mine. All this is baggage. My personal history. It's kind of cool that it's there - my personalities boxed up in brown boxes. But at the same time, it's so much crap, how important are these things? Could I just leave them behind? By doing so, would I lose/forget some part of myself?

Look ma, I'm a Mage

Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust

Really though, I'm a Sorcerette, warrior, enchantress, petulant child and 14 year old boy all rolled into one. What FUN!

the ability to dream

In Jonathan Carroll's Land of Laughs, two writers bring characters to life. This is a book about dreaming. It's a story about making a dream reality, a character real. And in reality, that's what we're actually doing. You, yes, you there reading this post, you are a character that is real. Who made you? Did you make yourself? Or was it your parents, teachers, peers, township, culture? Who/What made you who you are? Can you change who you are? (It take a lot of energy.) Do you believe that you have complete and utter control over who you are? Do you know you can change? You can be whatever you want to be. All you have to do is dream. Dream in complete. Dream with spaces for the unknown. Dream "reality."

Because this world is a dream. We perceive it. We perceive it differently. I see the fog outside my window - hiding sutro tower and the mixed feelings travel my nervous system superhighway.

Damn, it's a foggy day again.
Oh cool, the fog is so thick and beautiful.
I can't wait until I'm typing my blog out on the beach in Santa Monica.
I love being wrapped in the cool fog.
I wonder if the sun will come out and I'll still go on a picnic today?

These impressions, these feelings, these emotions, these perceptions. Which Heather do they come from? The norcal snob, the transitioner, the excited changatrix, the enchantress, pragmator, the contrarian.

Layers of the onion. So when you peel the onion, you don't actually throw away the pieces. They are cut, peeled away, added to the pot, fried up with the steak, slivered into the salad.

Back to the dream. You can change who you are. You are changing right now. Do you feel alive? Aware? I'm speaking directly to you, reading this. Can't you hear my voice? These words are not printed matter.

I find it's often helpful to know what you want to change towards and have a picture, vision, algorythm in mind. Otherwise, you may wake up a Bull Terrier. Which I suppose would not be so bad. I wouldn't be so excited to wake up a kafkeque cockroach, but I suppose there are worse things. I could wake up a corporate slave or confused teenager or stuck in a normal boring life.

Para viajar, basta existir. To travel, is to exist.

24 hours ago

I was walking on the beach in santa monica towards venice. It was actually about 28 hours ago now.

I was jumping up and down on the sand. I was successful. I did what I came for. I know where I'll be the next 4 months. I have a new mailing address. You could say I'm a Santa Monica resident now. I return to SF only for my belongings. A few more loose ends and then to the south.

I cannot express how excited I am.
Everything is falling into place.
Following the path of least resistance.
Even the ties strengthening in the bay area.
Others have been cut, some released, some bonded more.
There is a reason for all these.

I'm interested to see where they all go. I'm detached, yet in the thick of experiencing. I put my ego aside, yet I feel these emotions so strongly. I am again a tool. I will be a perfect tool.

"I'll give you what you want
mind
body
soul
...
...
...
except one thing,
I have to escape."

That's the only kind of commitment I can give.

"I took. I went and took.
What did I leave in return?
My change."

I'm a catalyst. A tool of the universe. And in being used, I too am sharpened and honed.

bjork emotions

it's oh so quiet, possibly maybe, hyperballad

i came across a tape my brother gave me a few years ago (5 or so). the last track included bjork's "it's oh so quiet". I had forgotten about this fabulous song. It trades between very quiet life is oh so quiet and sane and ok and bursts, blasts, clangs, rangs, bells and parades of falling in love belting out of lyrics.

i picked up a couple bjorks at amoeba last week, including telegram, a most excellent remix album. They version of hyper ballad on this album is amazing.

"It's real early morning, no one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
still throwing things out
I listen to the sounds they make on their way down
I follow with my eyes till they crash
I image what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks
and when it lands will my eyes be open or clos-ed"

I have often had the feeling of wanting to impale my body on land masses. I've seen beautiful mountain sunsets that urge me to feed with my blood. When I visited Foz do Iguacu in Brazil/Argentina, it was only a survival code in my brain that stopped me from jumping to my death in the falls. I watched the sun set over corn fields and a riverway from the top of a bluff and pull myself back from the edge, so as to not fly as the black birds already airborne.

It's a strong feeling. It's the overwhelming power of natural beauty. I experience it and desire to experience nothing more. It's my passionate response to large land masses.

decad

1. Don't lie to yourself
2. No matter what, never change for someone else
3. Learn as much as you can
4. Don't force your ideas or ideals on others
5. Hate no one
6. Love all you can
7. Wake up happy
8. Never quit
9. Always Question
10. Have a way out
11. ... ... ...

-----------

I occasionally come across this piece of paper. It's my rules to live by. I wrote it when I was 15 and have kept it around. I came across it again yesterday as I was packing. It never ceases to amaze me how exactly this is how I live my life.

Detachment / Controlled Folly

It's an overcast day here out my window. Low clouds over San Francisco. The tips of Sutro Tower (Pao de Asucar) dragging it's three prongs in the fog, like dragging your fingers in water.

Touch the world lightly.

The big tasks are progressing. The house should be more or less prepped to go on the market early next month. It's not hard to divide objects, contents of the house, friends. My anger seeps in when we talk about bank accounts, 401k, stock accounts, house profits. There are good days and bad days. There are papers to file. Attorney's to pay. The world of hustling, not honest contributions. Detachment is the key.

Not a lesson I am enjoying learning.

One day, many years ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table. It was a humid balmy midwestern day. I watched as a spider dropped down from the chandelier onto the table. It detached itself from the thread and walked down the table away from where it came. The spider had everything it needed to survive.

You have everything you need.

I've been thinking about speaking in gestures. The world understand gestures. Those times you go out on a limb. The times you take a risk. Because, really, what do you have to lose except some self-importance.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm heading south to the edge of the Mojave to this amazing ranch in the San Bernardino Mts north of LA. I really want to spend more time out there, but I have boxes to pack, a house to sell, etc. etc. I'll have lifted all roots from the Bay Area soon enough.

There are other things I could get all excited about. Want to make actions or have decisions made. But now is the time of waiting. As much as I like to do it myself, the world doesn't go on Heather's timeline. So I'll wait. I'll watch. I'll learn. I'll be detached while feeling the full range of emotions. That's controlled folly. Complete detachment while in thick of it.

Onions

My friend Marlee was telling me a story about Onions. She was looking for the core of an onion - the center of the onion - at which level does the onion become the center? Her conclusion was that the whole onion is the core.

I've been thinking about this the past few months and more so in the past few days. An onion. I feel like an onion. There are so many masks to my personality. "Still know nothing about me." None of them are fully who I am. "Steal my eyeballs and come back for the sockets." But they are all some part. "Pour over everything in my C.V." But each of those masks are part of me. "Run every kind of test, from A to Z." And make up a core of who I am. "Run my name through your computer." Yet at the same time, it's not me. "Take my fingerprints, if you are able." Who I am is a fleeting feeling. "Search my house with a fine tooth comb." And no one knows me all. "Check if I paid my income tax." There is but one person who does. "Pick my brain, pick my pockets." C'est Moi.

how do you see people?

I was talking with my friend barbarzinho today and the subject of how we see other people came up. We were sitting in Cafe Borone in Menlo Park. I had just come from a few hours in Filoli (more on it later). He said he didn't identify me with the way I look - or visually - more with my personality and voice. I said I sometimes look in the mirror and am surprised with what I see. What I look like is rarely who I think I am. I don't know what I would expect me to look like, but I am often surprised. We talked about knowing people not visually. On more than one occasion I have looked at friends and seen them different. It's always a strange sensation. It's seeing them on a different level. It's seeing them through a different lens.

The sunshine glinting off a couple grey strands. Seeing a face differently, as if in a dream. A feeling. Affection.

what color am I?

Not that surprising. I love these things. I don't know what it is about them, but I love seeing what other people and things say about me. Of course I have that Sting refrain "Still no nothing about me" going through me head. Because I know with complete and utter certainty that I could, have and will drop/change all of these characteristics of my personality at any time. Be aware. ;)

you are darkorange #FF8C00

Your dominant hues are red and yellow... most of what you do is motivated by your need to change things and have a good time, but you've been known to settle down and think out a situation, too. You tend to surprise people just when they're starting to feel like they've got you down. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I got this AWESOME orange bikini today in Pa'ia, Maui. Unfortunately it was an hour and half before my flight left to return to San Fran. but it's brazilian cut and the top is large enough to fit my LA size titas. (No implants needed.) They have been the bane of my bikini existance as I LOVE love LOVE brazilian cut bikinis, but they mostly make them for women with tiny tits (prefered brazilian body type: big butt tiny tits). But now, I have the tiny tanga bottom with the top that fits but is not like all midwestern and sheit. ;)

Chatwin is a real person

I'm reading Bruce Chatwin's Biography and it's very interesting. (5+ hours on SF to Maui and back get's you a long stretch of reading time). It's interesting to read about Chatwin's personal history. Of course, this is not all there was to/about him, but it's a different view. I'm learning a lot more about him from behind his writing, things I wouldn't necessarily have gotten from reading his stuff. There are things I identify about him. Things I cannot. Surprise, envy, excitement, sorrow. It's such a candid look at a person. A real person.

I was on a dive trip once and I spent an evening talking with this guy. At the beginning of the evening we knew hardly anything about each other. We just had our small interactions to base our judgements of each other. The night waxed late. The air was balmy and it was time to turn in. I think I asked him what he thought of me after the candid conversation we had had - I don't remember his answer, or if he did. I do remember he asked me what I thought of him. I pondered for a moment. Before that evening, I thought he was a happy go lucky free wheeling diver sporty guy with a baseball cap and moustach from the 80s. After that night of conversations, he became a real person to me. He told me some great stories. Those masks we wear in front of so many people came off during our conversation. He became a real person, and I no longer had a judgement about who I thought he was. My judgement didn't matter. He was a real person, with varied textures, passions and wounds and stories and interests. That's what it came down to. He was another person.

That's what I feel is happening with Chatwin. He's becoming a real person to me. Not this vision of who I think Chatwin is. Of course I will never experience Bruce Chatwin in the flesh - his dust is buried in Greece. But my preconceptions: feelings of glamour, excitement, jealous of his travel and adventures, etc. are burning off. What matters is that he was a real person. He lived, he experienced, he traveled, he wrote, he died.

And after all, I have my own set of Chatwinesque adventure stories and statues...