heathervescent

On Being Satisfied

I was making a list - an assessment of my life a few days ago. I felt like I had lost the spark of activity, although I'm in the midst of many activities. I wondered what my goals in life were, what I was doing and where I was going. I had one goal for 2006 and I hit that in May. So now what?

As I made my list, I asked myself the question: "Am I satisfied?"

Being satisfied doesn't mean that I have completed all my projects or that they are necessarily successful; it means am I happy and satisfied with my life. And I was - am.

This is a shocking realization for me. I've never thought about or actively observed myself being satisfied. It's always been about improving, learning more, or different things or actively reaching for the farthest point on the horizon and working to hit it.

But I'm sitting here, on this plateau, or mountain top, or wide desert valley, and I know I can hit any horizon point I dare look at. But I like it here. I've worked hard to get here. And there are plenty of things to do. But I think I can stop shooting for the moon for a while. Because, I'm finally standing on it. And I just found the plans to build a landing module.

An audience of 1

If mass media is media reaching a large audience (perhaps the largest audience) then what is the opposite? The theatrical performance for one for Bron on Triton? Performance for an audience of 1?

I've found myself doing a fair amount of performance or activities for audiences recently. I don't do these events to hit a mass market or get a large audience. In traditional measurements of success, popularity = success = idea validation.

But not so, necessarily.

I didn't expect Hollaback Thriller to become a traveling troupe of zombie cheerleader/bananas. But we're doing our third show this week.

Then there's my radio show. I rarely have more than 15 listeners. (I know, I can see their IP addresses.) I'm fine with that. I don't do the show to have the most listeners. Hell, it's an INTERNET radio station with no distribution to satellite or radio towers. I had a bigger audience when I did 5 second breaks at 3am in Iowa. But instead of playing the programming, now I play what I want. (Which I think is the most innovative new music out there, thank you very much gybo.org.)

I don't expect my expressions to be fit for more than a crumb-sized audience. I don't do it for the audience. I do it for the idea. To express the idea. The idea doesn't care about the audience. It wants expression. And so, I'll do my best, with even an audience of 1.

On Persuasion

To persuade someone of something you have to start small. Big changes take time and they happen step by step, moment by moment. You'll plant the seed. But then it must take root and become part of the new. Take an innovative idea. You can talk and show and display all you want. You may not persuade them to see your point of view in one meeting. But they'll leave with the seed planted. The next time you meet, the seed may have taken root. It may grow in a new direction. That's even better than you expected.

--

And then there are the days when I don't care about persuading. I have no patience for those who can't keep up with my thinking, extrapolation and the "right" way to do things. Those are the days I want to dump. Those are the days I question my existence. Or start wondering if being aware and paying attention are all they're cracked up to be. If I am so obviously enlightened, then why am I irritated? Why do I care? Why can't I find a method for these dunce-heads to see the light? And then that leads me to, well, there is probably more to learn.

Or maybe when I feel like this, I should go do something to take my mind off these irritations. Even the Dali Lama retreats to fix clocks occasionally.

Before I forget

A couple hooks that I want to write about, but don't feel the luxury of time to do so right now.

- Art of Bleeding killer show, my goth nurse costume and how I (and BJ) won the impromptu costume contest
- Jury Duty stories yesterday
- On Evangelism
- Memory sticks, power objects and decoder rings

Because later today I am heading out to my favorite desert local with my love and we are going to get jiggy with the Joshua trees.

Oh and there is a new addition to the family: Ingemar. We picked him up last night. But first, I need to do some work.

More on my War

What people don't realize is that it is always war. Those who disagree, aren't paying attention.

I was stuck on an airplane for 5+ hours earlier today. (Yesterday in the timezone I currently inhabit, today in the timezone I write in.) I finished reading The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien this weekend. Really it's that book (and my recent viewing of Apocalypse Now REDUX) that has spawned this war obsession. And retrospecting on family histories.

Most of the time, I'm disinterested in war, because I don't like fighting, combat or killing people. But I've come to realize, that my entire life I have practiced being a warrior. I've had my years of aikido and weapons training. Of hunting and stalking people, animals and places. I pick up any skill or tactic in my adventures and put it in my toolbox to be a better warrior. I don't attack or kill - is not my style. My preference is not to fight with other people. My war is much larger and I fight it each and every day.

I fight for awareness. For evolution. For the freedom to think, to be - "all that you can be". To drag your stubby legs out of the ooze that is called mainstream media conditioning,  "this is the way you should live" and be a happy consumer, human battery.

My war is one I fight every day, with myself mostly and sometimes others. It's a hard war, because even when I win it - a moment maybe - it means practically nothing.  Because the world is inhabited by mostly unaware individuals and even in my aware moments, I am often surrounded by the unaware.

But I dream. Imagine a world where everyone is aware! Paying attention. That's where I want to live. That's the world I want to create. That's what motivates me wake up in the morning and be optimistic and fight the good war.

Evolution. Not just the evolution of an individual (ahem, called enlightenment) but the radical transformation of an entire race. I know it's possible. It's just a matter of timing.

gathering

A friend reminded me, storm clouds must gather before they can rain. That must be the case the past couple weeks, which means, watch out - cause here comes the purple tornado.

War

I am getting more and more intrigued by you. Not only are you a catalyst for world change, but personal transformation. And you are more play than anything else. That is what I think is most misunderstood about you War. Instead of toy guns yours are big complicated machinery. I know it's easier to play than think about the big questions. And if the world is destroyed, well then, we have millions of years of evolution before the big questions dare be pondered again. But those big question are begging to be understood, to finally shine again.

War, come be my friend. O favored child of our times come rest your weary head and help me plan my attack.

Ten from Richard Branson

I was writing a post about the inspirational Richard Branson over on Daily Mantra and found his top 10 rules for success.

1. You've got to challenge the big ones.
2. Keep it casual.
3. Haggle: everything is negotiable.
4. Have fun working.
5. Do the right things for the brand.
6. Smile for the cameras!
7. Don't lead "sheep", herd "cats".
8. Move like a bullet.
9. Size does matter.
10. Be a common, regular person.

Those are pretty good. Althought I have a decad of a different sort.

Voyeur

The other night we fed the snakes. They hadn't eaten for a while because of various travels. So we picked up a couple of fat rats and put them in their feeding cages. Usually we leave them alone to strike and swallow, but for some reason I layed out flat on the Persian rug and watched them.

They eat in separate cages, so I watched Vicki. She had a beautiful all white rat. It's dead before she gets it, so it was just laying there with it's little paw-fingers stretched out. I feel bad about killing the rats for the snakes to eat. Because that seems like a cruel life. But then I remind myself that I consume live items (I consider lettuce alive) and that is part of the predatory universe. Unlike myself, the snakes only have to eat every couple weeks, whereas I eat every day.

I'm laying on my stomach, holding my breath. Vicki is holding the rat in her jaws in a silent meditation. She doesn't move for at least five minutes. I stand vigil with her, my head resting on my hands. Then she repositions opens her jaw. I see her slowly edge the rat's face into her mouth. It takes her many minutes to extend her jaws and slowly swallow the rat whole. At one pause, I see the two little paws (that I earlier saw running around in the cage) sticking out along the side of the jaw. I wish I could reach in and pet them. Comfort them. But I am a voyeur. I am watching an intimate experience. Like watching someone masturbate.

Watching Vicki eat feels more intimate than that. I sense the vulnerability. And still the power. It's this that hooks me. I don't get off on the death. I work hard not to be sad or have pity. Because this is life. Life is predatory. To continue to live, something else dies. Energy is transformed and consumed and re-purposed. To continue to exist you must take in energy, and we humans do that by eating. The energy is transformed from that of a rat with fur into a smooth snake.

I like watching Vicki eat because it's an uncomfortable reminder that each day I transform energy and only I am responsible for what comes of that energy. And when something dies for my energy - that gives me the responsibility to make my life as beneficial to the universe. Because otherwise, those things have died in vain. And maybe it is my energy that should be transformed instead.

False Fiction

This morning the boyfriend and I got into a rousing discussion on gaining knowledge and reason before tossing off the covers. My attitude is one that you can gain knowledge without the use of reason. He argued that you can't gain knowledge with out reason. We went round and round creating examples for our metaphors only to come to the realization that we have different definitions of knowledge. His is more specific than mine. My definition of knowledge is any item - a data point without a judgment of false or true along a path of discovery.

I went on to say that you can gain knowledge through observation, which doesn't include reason at all. Of course you can apply reason to your observation and gain different information, but that doesn't preclude you gaining knowledge without the use of reason.

Anyway, he went off to work and I started my day checking my email. In which I came across the following horoscope courtesy of Rob Breszny.

Last May, workers cleaning up garbage on Britain's highest mountain made a startling find. There at the top of Mt. Ben Nevis was a piano. How did it get there? Three years earlier, hikers in Indiana's Yellowwood State Forest stumbled upon an equally inexplicable anomaly: a massive boulder lodged in the topmost branches of an 80-foot-tall chestnut tree. These are your metaphors of the week, Aquarius. I bet that you too will find seemingly out-of-place things in high places. Don't dismiss them with a flick of your rational mind. Give them a chance to change your thinking about the nature of reality.

Which reminds me of an item on my todo list: Build a solar powered hot tub on top of a remote mountain range in the Mojave.

To do this, I have to not only build it from scratch with no infrastructure, but truck in all the materials, including the water. Because, there are no springs on top of this range. And to add to the difficulty - it's a day hike to the summit.

But before I get started on that, perhaps I'll start looking up.

Me and Xeni Jardin

It happened again last night. Someone I had just met made a remark about me and Xeni Jardin. It's a comment I get a fair amount.

I suppose I should be flattered by this remark but it irks the hell out of me.

Why?

Because my whole life has been spent figuring out what and execute on being who I want to be - the best heathervescent possibility. I have no heros nor idols save pippi longstocking. Take note of this quote:

Look for your own. Do not do what someone else could do as well as you. Do not say, do not write what someone else could say, could write as well as you. Care for nothing in yourself but what you feel exists nowhere else. And, out of yourself create, impatiently or patiently, the most irreplaceable of beings.
– André Gide

Which would mean if I am focusing on being the realization of my human potential that I'd be different from everyone else, because we're all unique beings.

I also like to take the contrarian view - meaning I like to look at what people are NOT looking at. Because, as the Chink puts it in Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, those things exist or need to exist. See this post of 2 years ago:

I'm not different because I want to stand out. I'm not different because I want attention or to be noticed. I'm just like everyone else. I'm a human. I breathe air. I live. I do things differently because their are many things that need to be expressed. There are plenty of people expressing popular and "mainstream" things. The expression capacity of those experiences is fairly full, and more people will do those popular and mainstream things because they are accessible and often appropriated as an acceptable thing to do/express.

I do things differently because I see activities and perceptions and experiences that have a need to be expressed, experienced. And I see few people expressing/experiences these items.

So I do things like my mashup radio show and coordinating the LA geek dinners because they need to happen. They're my work orders from the universe.

No body wants to be compared to anyone else. We're not cookie cutter personalities - especially those who cultivate who they are. And maybe that is why I get compared to Xeni Jardin. Maybe it's because she's got this known media persona. And since there are so many supposed superficial similarities, it's easy for people to categorize me in the same bucket. Because in reality we are both probably pretty uncategorized.

That's fine. I wish her well in expressing her most unique Xeni. In the meantime, I'll continue on my trajectory. Maybe our contrails will cross at some point. But I'm certainly not changing courses to intercept or avoid hers.

Two Forgotten Daughters

I have always been passionate about things I love. But one love leads to another and I follow the path - a path that sometimes leads me away from the things I've loved. I recently remember two activities I was extremely passionate about in my past. Aikido and Ceramics. The former I haven't actively practiced in 6 years - although I have been know to break out the moves occasionally. I've haven't gotten my hands muddy in the ladder for a LONG time. Since I started my tech career! But I miss both of these forgotten daughters. The centering clay on the kick wheel. The spazz of inspiration with slabs of clay. The swish and blend of attacks and throws. I pick up my Bokken and practice Katas and freestyle. I use my pots as containers for buckeyes, jewels and jetsam. So I'm ready to pick up the sword, dust off my gi and get back on the mat. And I'm ready to buy a kiln and wheel as soon as I have artist space.

Like Cleaning my Room

I've got a million different tracks going in a million different direction and I flit from one million to the other in a millionth of a second. As the loose ends get roped into the whole, the whole mass accelerates and draws more mass and accelerates faster. The fast flows merge and bubble over the rocks gathering rapid speed.

It's not a rocket, nor a comet, not even a beam of light. It's the edge of an idea piercing the edge, but before it breaks through, it navigates the crowd.

It's multi-tasking. The flipping from one tab in my GTD notebook to another. One second it's the phone, the next it's the email, and next the errands section. Then I'm doing things that aren't even in my book and I have no second to even mark them as done.

I have the starting to feel guilty stack of business cards on my desk not only from Blogher but from other meetings last week. Possibilities and people I've connected with. I have three notebooks of valuable thoughts, inspirations, aspirations that need to be translated. I have phone calls full of new tasks and plans and coordinations. And I'm sitting at my desk of glass, in my room of green filled with sunlight and activity.

A break from one work activity is execution on another project. A breath of fresh air is an errand complete. A casual surf on flickr is an inspiration.

Even the big irritation can not stick at this speed. I keep my mind open, like in the taxi. I don't let another person's problem stop me. They are the other's problem. An other I no longer know. I don't care. I deflect the barrage of words and hold up the mirror. And focus my mind on staying in the flow, and executing, and flying high and leaving the dogs to dry land.

Up here in rocket land, I'm moving so fast, I'm no longer moving. And I can see for miles.

baseline arrival

I'm feeling a bit restless this moment. It's because I have finally somewhat gotten on top of my slew of projects. The BIG ONE, the ongoing one, a couple for friends, the writings and some travel. I sold the saab and feel like I'm entering a new .... level - plateau - cycle - system of my life. The words Baseline Arrival keep turning in my head. But I don't feel like I've reached a baseline. But at the same time I feel like I've reached a baseline - again and de novo. It's a strange feeling. A sort of deja vu. I've been by this road before, but it's a different road this time.

the expanding universe

If the universe is constantly expanding and we are part of the universe, then doesn't it seem likely that we  choose in which way to expand the universe? If we want to explore one or another part of the unknown universe, it's up to us, to move in that direction and make the unknown known.

All My Childhood Posessions for Sale on Craigslist

I told my mom about Craigslist a few months ago. She wanted to sell some stuff and I suggested she check it out. She didn't have a digital camera, so I ordered her one from Amazon. This was just the beginning.

In the past month, I've heard of the many stories mom has had selling her stuff on Craigslist. From the Nigerian scam artist (that we craigslisters know so well) asking her to quote her shipping her couch sectional set to Nigeria to two firemen who exchanged yard work for her bookcase set. Mom is getting the full Craigslist experience, I only fear the day she stumbles into the casual encounters room (which I only once dared to enter).

I've known about CL from almost the beginning. My first job after college was in SOMA in San Francisco at a 3D VRML company. I was the bottom of the totem pole, but I worked with some interesting people. One of them turned me onto Craigslist - Linda Branagan. I got on the list when there were 4 categories and still SF focused. I experienced the evolution - the explosion into multiple lists, going to the web, more categories, more cities, fees for job postings and beyond. I'm like a lot of people; I've gotten jobs, bought and sold cars, motorcycles, found sublets and more on it. My move to LA could not have happened as smoothly as it did without craigslist.

But now, it's changing my life yet again. All my childhood possessions are for sale on the Kansas City Craigslist. My mom is closing up house and moving to the West Coast. The bedroom set they bought for me in the 1970's is for sale. Along with a lot more stuff mom doesn't want to move.

It's an interesting feeling, my mom using craigslist. Technology has come so far in 10 years and is getting integrated into humanity. Perhaps even some day evolving us. But for now, you can buy the bed nine year old Heather slept in, on Craigslist, an email list a 22 year old Heather used 10 years ago.

Campfire Stories

I went to camp for two summers when I was in middle school. The camp had two tribes and all attendees were put into one or the other. Towards the end of the session there was an event where the tribes battled against each other. (Probably for who got to eat ice cream after dinner.) The battle was played at night, and there was a central tower all lit up, surrounded by team B. Inside the tower was a representative from team A. The rest of team A was spread out in the surrounding fields. The point was to get through the adversary team to meet your rep in the tower and collect a chip. However you could get caught and held hostage by the other team. After a period of time, the teams switched places. At the end, the chips were tallied and the team with the most chips won.

The first year I played, I spent the entire time crawling with two colleagues through the grass. We never made it to the tower, but we didn’t get caught either. We slowly stalked and crawled the entire time... stealthy, but not actually reaching our goal before time was up. The first year, I was disappointed that I didn't get in on any of the action. I think my team won, but I didn't really feel like I contributed much to it.

The second year I was determined to act differently. I made sure I was up in the front and I took as many risks as possible. I was untouchable. I got through the other team's line over and over and collected many chips. I would return to my team leader with a chip and immediately go back out. I'd grab colleagues and take them to the tower with me. I think I ended up bringing in the most individual chips. I was completely and utterly unstoppable. My team won again, but this time, instead of crawling through the grass, I brought home the trophy.

hiding in the wings

I played around with theatre, arts and performance in my time. Most people who know me expect me to be the actress type, wanting to be out on the stage in front of everyone getting a standing ovation. This is not so in reality.

In my theatre days, I was almost exclusively behind the scenes. I'd find, create and set up props, backdrops, costumes, make-up. I'd wear black and change the sets as the performers would run off the stage for a frantic costume change. I'd stay behind after the show was over cleaning up, prepping for the next night. Putting things in order, while most were out celebrating or partying or something. But then everyone would be gone. The stage would be in order and I'd stand in the wings. Looking out on the set. I'd walk out and look at row upon empty row. In awe at the open empty space. I never pretended I was acting or in the performance. If I really wanted to perform, I would have. (And I did a few times when I wanted to.) I preferred the silent set. Devoid of motion. Static. And yet, all the possibilities.

But they weren't my possibilities. Or were they, as soon as I came out from watching in the wings? Maybe that's what the second part of kicking ass in 2006 is all about. Maybe it's time to stop hiding in the wings. Time to stop setting up the scenes. Time to stop practicing my kicks. And time to start showing them off. 10 days to curtain rise.

Two Years Later

Two years ago I returned to Los Angeles. I woke up in a strange bed, I breathed new air. I stalked new streets and neighborhoods. I started a new chapter in my life. I hit the reset button and sat down to my creation machine. I created a new costume. One filled with pedicures, partnerships, sparkling eyeliner, manual vehicles and more. I kept the familiar talismans of coffee and the desert always nearby. But I mostly wandered around the mall that is Los Angeles, looking into different shops, trying on different clothes, learning new products, paths and possibilities. But ultimately I was not in the market for a new personality.

The time of exploration is winding down. It's time to sharpen the sword, which has barely been used to keep the rust off. I've gotten battered around a bit, because I was focused on exploring and openness and I took my armor off. It's time to pull my leathers out of the closet and oil them up. Add new baubles and mend seams. Modify the old style to match my new landscape.

"Do not require a description of the countries towards which you sail. The description does not describe them to you and tomorrow you arrive there and know them by inhabiting then."
- Emerson, Essay on the Oversoul

I have inhabited. I have described.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain

And where will the winds take me. And which wind will I look to for direction? North, South, East, West. Where will my destination be? [Links play some classic Church songs.]

Grace: One Year Later

A year ago, I was with my grandmother. She died several days later. It's hard to believe a year has gone by. A year of not sending her cards, seeing pictures, visiting her.

She died peacefully in her sleep on the morning of May 28th.

I wanted some way to celebrate her life, her impact on me. I can say without a doubt she _was_ the most important person in my life. But I do not pine for her. I do not wish she was still her. I miss her. But my memory is full of so many good times. I am surrounded by her things and I think of her constantly. Not one day goes by that I don't use or see or wear something of hers and with that I remember.

I remember her laughing, her trips, her house in Oceanside. She is as fresh in my memory as she was in person.

I'll celebrate her life on Sunday, by eating and drinking her favorite things and remembering her.

Checkmark: Kicking Ass in 2006

I had one goal for 2006: To Kick Ass.

That's a pretty big, not to mention vague goal. How would I know if I succeeded, and what were the SMART metrics for success?

Well, that was part of the challenge. Going so far above and beyond that is it completely obvious that I am kicking ass. When I first came up with this goal, I had been working with Susie at Superviva and spending a lot of time creating, doing and updating my life lists. Susie was inspired by my Kick Ass in 2006 goal that she surprised me by making one up and offering it on the Superviva CafePress store (yeah, that's me modeling it)! She also surprised me with one on one of our visits. It's a shirt I love, but I don't wear it often.

Here's the story of how I kicked ass in 2006.

So I'm on a camping trip with my boyfriend and 30 of my best friends out on a dry lake bed in the middle of the Mojave Desert. We've been out there two days and its Sunday morning. Saturday night I spent the evening playing with a flame thrower, off-roading, riding on an art-car and surviving a crash and dancing on the local stripper pole (with moves that I learned in my pole dancing class which was on my SuperViva life list).

It's the next morning and I'm sore and hungry. The boyfriend and another friend are hanging out in our shade structure and I'm starting to make breakfast. I happen to be wearing my Superviva Kick Ass in 2006 t-shirt. I haven't showered in two days. I'm boiling water on the back of the truck on our camping stove and making oatmeal and coffee for us. It's not too hard and I'm doing it quickly and efficiently as we making friendly conversation. I bring breakfast over and am about to sit down to eat when the boyfriend says, "Hey, can you bring me the sharpie from over there?" So I do and start to sit down again. Then he says, "Hey, can you come over here?" and I'm tired and all I want to do is sit down and eat my oatmeal and have a cup of coffee, but I'm still standing, so I go over. And before I notice what he is doing, he’s taken the cap off the sharpie and checks off the box on my shirt.

But seriously, I had been wondering if I was kicking enough ass. I mean, making my living as a blogger (yes, actually paying my mortgage blogging), bringing Streetwars to LA, Participating at BarCamp (and I'm talking like 3 different activities: 2 presentations and e-iron chef), not to mention keeping down the future, moving to West Hollywood, having the most amazing mind blowing boyfriend, not to mention the most ass kicking friends to spend time with. What more could I want? Oh yeah, I have all these additional goals. Well, at least I have something to work on for the rest of the year.

I'm watching to see if I can kick as much ass in the second part of 2006 as I did in the first.

the microscope is on...

Discernment.

1. The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment.
2. Keenness of insight and judgment.

From dictionary.com and wiki

relief and limitations

I was going to keep quiet on this topic, because it's had heated discussion on and off the blog, but here goes. There are always at least two sides to the story and I'm not about to launch into the specifics of my side, because it doesn't really matter.

What does matter, is the very real relief I now feel, now that I no longer have the responsibility of Moki. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice dog and I have fun with him - for optional short periods of time. But doing what I did, had me drowning and when I started asking for help, people started throwing rocks, and ok, I threw a few rocks myself, but they were rocks tied to my feet. That doesn't make it right, but it does take two to fight. And I’m still human, or else I wouldn’t be here on this earth. And my life is no less important than anyone else’s.

The big learning lesson from this is about Limitations, one of the 2006 daggers. Knowing my limitations and standing by them. But when the whole Moki thing started out, no end date was in sight, no limitation. I was too nice, accepting a burden I was not really comfortable with, and then I thought I was doing the right thing and not raise the my issues. (If you were any of my friends that I see on a regular basis, you would have known my real feelings on the matter back in January.) Wrong, wrong, wrong. I should have raised my concerns back in January, when this all started. But here, I get to be taken to task for trying to be helpful and failing. (Oh I'm sure you negative observers will be able to make this out to whatever horrible idea you can come up with, but I'm being honest and telling you directly what was going through my mind - and my (wrong) choice to put someone else, in front of me.)

Anyway, even one night, I feel so much more relaxed and rested. It's like I have been under this huge burden the past almost 3 months, the dog GTD item popping up in my head constantly. Never never done. Constantly adding more and more to my workload. I'm back to being only responsible for me, myself and the life I want. I was stuck in quagmire.

Now, I can finally pick up some of the pieces that have fallen in the meantime. It feels so good and refreshing.

3 hours to seder or how to kick ass

I was going to write a long post on how my passover went, but my creative juices aren't flowing - plus it's a few days old. Needless to say, with about 3 hours notice I whipped up a seder dinner, including amazing from scratch brownies that rival my non-kosher ones. I must admit, I was pretty proud of myself. This entry, is just a reminder, to myself, of yet another way, I've kicked ass in 2006.

I feel like this.

  There Was Once A Fire At the Top of this Mountain 
  Originally uploaded by hexod.us.

A beautiful photo from Hexodus

Update

Another 5 days have gone by on the blog without a peep. It's been a busy weekend. I've been in West Hollywood for most of the time, unexpectedly. From day to night, I don't know where I'll stay. I take the necessities with me: eyeliner, dog, laptop and a mish-mash of business and club clothes. Meeting plans change on the fly and my schedule and attire shift instantly. I've got a wardrobe costume change in my trunk. And I'm fine with that. Instead of irritation at the flux of everything around me, I blend and change. Endless changing. Endless blending and separating, like different temperature in a river stream.

My life used to be a series of habits, rituals, routes. It would have been easy to stalk me. But now, from day to day, I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing. It's like a line from a Bjork song: "I don't know my future, after this weekend, and I don't want to."

There's a big opening. And I've recently cut away the last chain. So there's this void. A gap. A space. A vacuum where anything can happen.

morning thoughts

Up early again. The San Gabriel's are shrouded in ground fog, the white caps poking into the clear blue sky. I am reminded of cold desert mornings: smoke in my eyes, cold wind in my face. Effortless coffee from the kitchen this morning. View over the desk. Yellow flowers, bright sun over the hills and I'm faced with a decision. What is important to me? What do I focus my energy on accomplishing? Plans made at night often feel different in the morning, even when it is a perfect plan.

And I'm trying to keep a low profile after the whirlwind that was yesterday. The big news of yesterday, is that I figured out who hit my car in that hit and run accident two weeks from yesterday. But for now, I keep silent. And psych myself up for executing a strategy in a different war.

On Doppelgangers

My first doppelganger was in high school. I found out about her from my high school sweetheart and now x-husband (I think he tried to date her). I never met her. She apparently hated me. I don't even remember her name.

It's true, she looked a lot like me. Same shoulder length blonde hair. Quirky hippish dark haired best friend. (My best friend also had dark longer hair.) I saw her picture once and I was taken aback because I didn't remember the picture being taken. Well, of course I wouldn't - it wasn't me - but it looked very much like me.

I've got two current doppelgangers of a sort. I'll start with the easier one, because she's pretty much out of the picture, although I'm absolutely certain of the life she is living. I lived it. I met her about a year ago, sharing the same birthday month. She was solidly in her LA scene. I was new to LA fresh from subversive SF offerings. We slowly started to spin closer and bump into each other a bit. The small bits of information we exchanged excited us. Wow - what another cool person to meet and know and hang out with. It wasn't that surprising for me to find someone like me - what was surprising was to find _how much_ like me she was. Or how much like her I was. I was excited to plan and do all these cool projects with her. She had the same crazy ideas and executed on them. I dreamt of the crazy shit we'd come up with and create.

But then something happened. Burning Man did its magic. She made a suggestion. I recoiled. But the groundwork had already been laid. She left LA and moved north, into my previous life. We basically switched places. (I’m sure she would fight tooth and nail that sentence, and I would too, if I were her.) She's got her gig up north in Oakland. I know the streets she walks her dog on. I could set her up with my x too. And apparently she hates me too. And life could be stranger.

Oh and it is.

Doppelganger #2 is somewhat well known and in the same industry. At a recent party we both attended, I was much amused when someone I had just met pointed to her and said, "You should dye your hair that color." I could only smirk and laugh uproariously. The subversive circles we spin in are similar if not the same. And like my first doppelganger I've never met her, although we have practically brushed shoulder more than once.

At first I thought D#2 sounded like she had similar interests of mine. Perusing her site reminded me of my conversations with Steven Diet Goeddes in 1998 when I had my first Aeon Flux costume made. I was going to fly down to LA to have him photograph me. That never happened as I was deeply entrenched in my San Francisco world, but it was a nice walk down memory lane. Steve’s gone on to get extremely popular in the more mainstream market, I doubt he remembers my excitement in the plans that fell through. I wouldn't have remembered them. In the past year I have learned about more similarities between our interests, and with each unfolding of the lotus leaf, well, another rosebud of the same color.

At first I was irritated. “How dare she be like me?! I’m unique!” The similarities kept pouring in and my thoughts turned to, “this is too weird, she can’t possibly be copying me. And I’m certainly not copying her.” But that’s all high school society and I’m way beyond that. So what is it then? Well, I’ve evolved to who I am because this is who I want to be. I pick and choose the stuff that appeals to me. Cutting edge, subversive, unique, different and pushing the limit in some way. Maybe she's into that stuff too.

Don’t make the mistake. I don’t hate my doppelgangers. How could I? They are merely reflections of myself in this world. And I’m a reflection of them too. I wonder if she has a copy of aUI: the language of space in her bookshelf? And for the same reasons?

The world is full of so many people, how dare I think I be different – even though I have dared to be different my entire life. But I’m a fragile soul and that’s why I carry this sledgehammer.

And that’s where my favorite doppelganger comes in. We’ve known each other for years, back in our previous San Francisco tech start-up lives, but we never really started spinning close until sometime last year. Unlike the previous three doppelgangers described above we are great friends. We’re spinning in a close orbit around and through each other. Feeding off our joint momentum and adding to it. She’s not a best friend, she’s a reflection of myself, and I am of her.

And those other doppelgangers are also reflections, but I’m not looking into those mirrors.

Wash that bad mood out of my hair!

This bad mood because of my car has just permeated so much of my life. I hate it. I hate hating life, hating people and thinking everyone (or at least some people) are my enemies. I know it's a bad mood, and it will pass. I try to be detached from the negativity, because I know that it doesn't do anything to revel in it, it's just sometimes hard.

I try the twist method. The murphy's law method. The hex method. The turn the other cheek method. Nothing has worked. The Bad Mood still permeates.

I should have remembered that anytime I'm in a bad mood, I should just pop on some Brazilian music. I finally caught up reading my mailing list email this morning and grabbed this stream by Optimo from earplug. It's a mix of classic Brazilian music mixed together, some classics I've never heard before - or rather earlier versions of songs I know. It's great to get my brain out of English and listening to the Portugues and Brasil. It reminds me of my time there, reminds me of so many things I loved about braselieros, seu jeito.

It's just what I needed to kick the negativity out.

Morning View

It's just a quick post before I get caught up on my writing for my new blog that launched earlier this week. I woke up to rainy morning, but the sky is clearing. Outside my window is a baby hawk. She is sitting in a bare branch watching the sky change from ominous grey clouds to The Orb's little fluffy clouds on a backdrop of blue.

I like watching her watch the sky.

Update: The skies opened up again and started raining. But the hawk sits on the branch. looking around. Nothing in the sky but rain. I like the feeling I have this morning - cozy in my house, looking out at the world, a cup of coffee with cream and lots of ideas to write. Today will be productive.

A Beginning

I was just searching for an old email from Gloria and came across our very first correspondence on May 16th in 2004. I think that with that one message so many things have happened. It was the beginning of an entirely new chapter in my life. It started so quietly that I didn't realize it at the time. And now, I am in the thick of amazing adventures surrounded by amazing people. It's nice to identify and acknowledge where it all began from.

Really an introvert

Although a lot of people usually try to disagree with me on this, especially when I bring it up at parties, I am actually an introvert. Although I'll go to great effort and energy to put together parties and events, I usually prefer to step back into the "hostess" role, where I get to go hide in the kitchen and take care of making sure the scene looks prop perfect, rather than having just mingling with random people. Then again, when I'm throwing an event, I always want to close up doors, shut off lights and leave right before the event - and pretend like it was never going to happen. Somehow, I always stop myself from doing this.

That's probably also why I enjoy blogging. I can "talk" about all kinds of things about myself, my observations of the world all while having a conversation with myself. Yes, the reason I blog, is to remember myself. Remember who I am, who I was, how I have changed. It's the map of my life and it's easily accessible now because of the "Inter-net"!

If you're interested in reading more about introverts and care and feeding. This article from the Atlantic two years ago is interesting.

favorite bushes, favorite email addresses

It's the morning tug of war. Coffee, Moki fed in his new bowls, the door to the upstairs deck open and the sunlight streaming into Gloria's office (where I have moved my office while she is gone). When Moki and I walk in the neighborhood, he has specific bushes and locations that he must sniff and re-mark. I was thinking about this and my various email accounts that are my favorites and I must check. I have over 20 email addresses, about 8 that I regularly check. Two that I generally respond with. Two that are big name web mail applications that I use for archiving or when my system goes down.

But I definitely have my favorite. When I took the heathervescent domain I wanted to go with one email address and no spam. That lasted about 2 years and the mailto:hbomb is retired and filtered away onto one of those online services. I think some people still use that as my primary mailto address, and it is by far my favorite one, but it's just too unwieldy to use. (I could actually use Spam software, but it doesn't seem to work well. And I do have spam filtering on the server.)

I've been working with two primary IDs for the past several years and one was definitely the primary, "inner circle" one. But there has been a shift in the force. And the "secondary" one that has been holding down the fort is becoming my favorite. It's the workhorse.

I'll talk more about my favorite email address in a bit. For now, it's time for Moki to visit his bushes.

Clothing swap epiphany

"It's the time to discard what's worn out, give away what's unnecessary, and tend what you love." - Eudora Seyfer

I used to be interested in holding onto things as long as I could. Whether they were actual objects, current addresses or phone numbers or love letters. All these things in the past or object half-done, half-used still taking RAM space in my brain. Clothes I loved but could not dare to get rid of for fear that "I might want to wear that someday."

Then something changed. I was invited to a clothing swap by a good friend of mine in Berkeley. I loved the idea and went through my closet picking out things to bring. The first time was hard. I still was not sure that I wanted to remove these things from my life. I had enjoyed them and might enjoy them again. But I wanted room for new things, so I brought a bunch of stuff.

This was the beginning of the end of my need for keeping things.

Now I'm not quite obsessed, but I get much pleasure from finishing things. From the bottle of honey on the counter to the custom altered orange "couture" pants I put in the swap bag last night. There is pleasure in having things I actively enjoy, and when the active enjoyment is finished, pass them on to the next person. That opens up space in my life for something new.

10 years of Heathervescent

It's interesting to find out where people's nicknames and online handles come from. I haven't always been Heathervescent, and 2006 is the 10 year anniversary of my favorite moniker. A perfect fit, if you haven't met me, Heathervescent was given to me by the CFO of my first job.

At this first job out of college, I  host a "philosophical symposium" after work occasionally. We'd head down to Kate O'Brien's, grab some beers and talk philosophy. In my email announcements I would say something like, lead by your effervescent host Heather. One day, we were talking about a recent discussion and the CFO (who attended) was telling someone that it was organized by heathervescent. Everyone agreed that that was a perfect description of me and the name stuck. I could not have come up with a better nickname if I tried. So thanks John, for my name these past ten years.

on friends

A friend is supportive, someone you can talk to, be yourself with and not worry about judgment. Someone who pulls you out of a funk when you’ve had a bad day. Someone who can distract you when you life is overwhelmed. Someone who holds down the fort when your life goes crazy. Someone who you can call on when you’re angry, hurt, confused, sad. Friends also share ideas, good thoughts, highs, successes and happiness. They are different minds to bounce ideas off or brainstorm with. Or just get drunk and laugh.

And then sometimes friends say goodbye, and they're gone and out of your life indefinitely.

Like Father, like daughter

I caught up with my Dad earlier today. We're both pretty busy these days and haven't actually talked in depth for some time. I told him about my various going-ons, the dramas and issues I don't write about here, projects for the future, of the boyfriend, trips and travels. He told me about his projects, website, the Air Force. The funny comments about how both of us are working on various projects and jobs, careers.

I remember him telling me in a hot tub conversation when I was 15 (we used to have an outside hot tub that we used in the winter - and it snowed where we lived) about how he liked to do different jobs and not be stuck in only one job. (He was an attorney, in the Air Force, had a couple farms, buildings and some business ventures.) I liked that. I was thinking about what I wanted to be "when I grow up" and was not at all interested in pigeon holing myself into one career choice. Variety, options, possibilities, where what interested me. I also knew that the kinds of jobs I wanted, didn't exist yet. I didn't see the point of focusing on a specific topic, say Accounting, in college.

So today, my dad quips back on how happy he is to be doing the various stuff he's doing (still law, even more business ventures, real estate, still got that farm). And I respond with my laundry list of projects and plans. The similarity is well... striking, for someone who tried so hard to differentiate herself from her progenitor.

Then comes the kicker. Dad is telling me about a document he is writing, that outlines future possibilities for an organization he is working with. He's writing the future and he tells it to me like that. I hear the wink in his voice, and my world comes tumbling down. My Dad is doing the same thing I do. He's creating the future - with words, with his ideas and he'll execute on it too.

His future worlds are different from mine, but we use the same technique to create them.

kicking into turbo

The thing about a turbo, is that it doesn't kick in, until you need it. It's there, waiting, heating up next to the engine, waiting for the go (or the right RPM).

I've been purring around town mostly in my low gears. Cruising/stalking Hollywood. A few fits and starts of speed, acceleration on Sunset or San Fernando. But nothing like the wide open road - a long pavement kiss with my tires, clutch foot resting on the seat beside my leg.

That's about to change. The RPMs of my life are finally revving high enough for my turbo to kick in. And it's about time. I enjoy kicking around town and stalking, watching, observing, learning; but I really love accelerated time. The best of Heather comes out in these hyper accelerated times.

Like, yesterday, when I had 15 minutes to get from the Fashion District to Century City for an appointment. Logic dictated that there was no way I could make it. I gave myself 5 minutes on the 10 before I'd call and push back. In 5 minutes I was getting off at La Cienga! I swear I wasn't speeding insanely or "threading the needle". I just let it flow. The wind in my hair, my hands on the wheel, enjoying the speed, the sound of my wheels on the road.

The big block has been refitted for taking on jet fuel, it's been QA tested, test driven, final adjustments and it's about to come out of the garage. I can feel the engine straining in the mounts and the yearning for the open road. It's only a few more days.

Taking money out of the equation

If money was not an issue, what kind of life would you lead?

Don't think about this question as if you had an unlimited supply of money, instead, think about this question as if money didn't even factor into the equation.

Would you live your life differently? How?

Seven daggers and a sword

2005 is rapidly closing shop. And it's almost time to do the final review of my 2005 goals. This has been the year of the spider. Weaving a web, sitting silently, waiting patiently. And I have been waiting, but not so patiently. 2006 is already looking to be quite different. First off, I'm not going to be making the standard goal list I have in previous years. I plan to still manage my goals, but I've found that a yearly cycle is too long as I manifest and execute on my goals in 3-6 months time. So the goals are going on a quarterly review cycle along with some bigger longer term goals.

Instead, as I prepare to move into 2006, I've been thinking about what I want to take from 2005 (and all previous years) with me into 2006. I've distilled what I'm taking with me to seven daggers and a sword.

• Courage
• Vision
• Limitation
• Goals
• Faith
• Passion
• Reckless
• Love

These are my tools.

I'm leaving 2006 open - a void - an unknown for something interesting to manifest. Something so exciting I can't even think or plan it. I like surprises. I want to see what kind of surprise the universe throws my way.

Nothing is free

You pay in your time, energy, attention or money. Nothing is ever freely given, except maybe love. And even that is often given with the expectation of something in return.

What do you think?

Surrender to the QA cycle

It seems that in all parts of my life I am in a QA cycle. You know. Quality Assurance. You work out the bugs before you release the product. You pound on the software to get it to break. You test it. You test the load balancing, server, database, UI. Except that the product in question is not software (although I am actually QAing actual software) - the product in question is my life - ME.

In the past couple years, I've been retrofitting myself. It's been a fast process of upgrading, both hardware, software, connectivity, electricity. Dumping obsolete and archived files. Doing complete search/replace on interpersonal interactions stuck in memory. Finding and leaving gems, hooks and markers. A virtual scavenger hunt - except it's not just left to the realm of imagination. The prizes are in the here and now.

This is a hard position to be in. You must keep the faith and keep pounding, keep your diligence and check to make sure bugs are fixed, regressions don't happen and continue to look for bugs. It's hard for me to hold back and be patient. I want to GET OUT there and DO. But it's not time yet. Patience Heather. Surrender to the QA cycle. Enjoy this quiet, self-testing time. Because you really don't want to release software that can't handle the load. And you'd much rather find and fix it now, while you have the luxury and nice weather of Los Angeles, then in the uncertainly of the unknown.

being #2

I really shouldn't blog about this, but it's on my mind. When you're #2 behind the x-gf, it's sometimes hard to take the relationship seriously. It is good to practice detachment. Am I really going to give it my all if I know the guy is not totally available? Then again maybe I shouldn't ask questions like "If "X" would take you back, would you?" or "What is the thing that you don't want me to know?" I want to know the answers, because I want to know what kind of playing field I'm working with. Still...

Portland Wedding Recap

My brother's wedding was a big jumble of a series of emotions of various extremes. From being the big sister helping out to take the pressure off the wedding couple, playing interference with various family members, to losing it and a late night call to United to reschedule my flight home (to the next flight out of here) to mixed feeling about marriage, in general and personally.

Let's start with the easy stuff. Here are the photo albums from the week. I met a totally cool and amazing couple - Matt and Colleen - some of Chad and Shanon's friends from Chicago. They were totally awesome and made my trip in so many ways. I hope I don't lose touch with them.

• Portland Bliss: Pictures around Chad and Shanon's house. The stuff I like.
• Pre-Wedding: Some pics before the wedding.
• Wedding: I didn't take any pictures, but handed off my camera to Colleen, who took a few pictures.

Let's just recap my feelings on marriage to give you a feeling of the conflict in my system. I had a great marriage with an amazing person. I drug myself away from that, because of what I have to do in my life. If I wanted to have a picture perfect marriage for a lifetime with a single person, I had that chance. I walked away from it. I believed in this vision, this idea of a marriage of a lifetime, even though I knew from the beginning that I couldn't do it this time round. The possibility, the potential is there, with so many people (people I could have it with), but not for me. I was willing to try, and I had a great time, was aware of the magic and perfectness as I lived it. Knowing that perfection would end. (Maybe this is melodramatic, but whatever.)

So here I see in my brother's face, this thing that I cannot do. Their satisfaction. It makes me happy that I can see this, that they can do this. I'm not in the least bit jealous, I'm sad. And that makes me feel strange. I don't wish to have done anything different in my life. I don't regret getting married or divorced. I was aware in the experience, and in that awareness is sadness.

Then let's throw into the mix, that even with all of this, I am not opposed to getting married again. I don't know why, even with my jadedness and issues of lifetime commitment bullshit. But still, I must not be jaded enough or maybe I'm a silly romantic. I heard their vows - of the future. And I thought, I don't want to live in the future (although, ironically I literally do) I want to live in the present. So I'll never make a vow of tomorrow, I'll make only a vow of today. And for now, I can only make that to myself. And sometimes I even have trouble with that.

on predestiny

It's all predestined, until you put it all on the table. And even that, may be predestined.

on detachment

Because I want to remember this paragraph, I post it here.

Detachment is not the same as not caring.  It's harder, for one thing, because it requires a conscious effort to avoid slipping into not caring; it requires a level of awareness that is intentionally left out when not caring.  I think there's a trick to being detached and keeping the channels open and listening in on them and reacting rightly.
- mb

relationship coffee and the wildcard

As Moki and I were walking around the fountain in Griffith Park tonight my thoughts wandered to relationships. It was probably prompted because I started thinking about my outing with Moki as a date. I was pondering the two items I sent back to the only Fiancee I ever had last week. And that was not a clean break and I sent those two items with a very distinct purpose. Multiple purposes actually. And I started thinking about a messy situation I happen to have gotten myself in. Messy with no judgment attached - just messy and complicated and simple at the same time. And often utterly frustrating. And since I'm walking the dog, my mind wanders up to Oakland and a dog walker I had a short but tense friendship with and his words that echo in my mind more than I'd like them too - his words turned into a vision of a bridge, just sitting there, entropy at work. Chuckling to myself that here I am, walking a dog in Los Angeles under pine trees.

And as all these men are percolating through my brain (with a few others) I'm thinking, what the hell am I thinking, thinking a relationship is gonna last? There's the beginning, the middle, the end of the relationship. And that of course gets me thinking, why do I even BOTHER with relationships? (Which is something I'm sure everyone has thought of at one time or another.) And I know the answer anyway. And I know I like people and having relationships. And I go into these relationships not thinking about the end. Or that the end is not only a possibility but inevitable. Right? All relationships end - some lucky enough with death. (OK, I know we can all get philosophical and esoteric and I am the first to go down that route, but please, let's just put those possibilities on hold for the moment, ok. Thank you.)

And in the back of my mind, like horrible hope in Pandora's box is the voice holding up a little flag, waving it slightly saying: "burning man". Like it's trying to get my attention and I'm specifically ignoring it. Let's see what the man brings this year. That's the wild card.

on self

When you don't have anything to defend - there's no reason being defensive.

it's official!

It's finally official. I'm a single again. No more commitment. No husband, and mortgage and two cats. Oh, wait, now I have a mortgage, a dog and a roommate. My how things change and still stay the same. Tonight I celebrate on my radio show. Tune in. My perverse mind is planning a wedding dead pool. How long until I slip another ring on my finger. It's amazing I don't recoil in terror at even the thought. I give myself 3 years. or 30.

the end of one road is near

In 1996 on this day in Cedar Falls, Iowa, I got married to my high school sweetheart, whom I met in art class when I was 17. (I still remember our first conversation.) Not the legal binding marriage (that came 8 months later on Feb 14, 1997 in Marin County), but the commitment was made. I moved out of my dream house in Berkeley with my favorite cat, all my playthings and stuff on September 22, 2003. The day after throwing his biggest birthday party yet and 10 year anniversary for his publishing company. We didn't know I wasn't going to move back in. I'm still waiting for the paperwork from the SF courts, but as far as I'm concerned, I've been single for a good solid year.