heathervescent

Aeon Flux Bionics

Decades ago, I would channel Aeon Flux. If cosplaying was a thing 20-30 years ago, I would have done it. As it was, Aeon Flux was one of my inspirations, muses, and role models. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a double agent dominatrix assassin? Before the Hollywood film came out, this lil ole blog was the top hit for "Aeon Flux" searches. I was proud of that.

I haven't thought of Aeon Flux in a while. I've gotten older. I indulge my introversion. I've done most everything I set out to do... over and over. I could only barely pull off my Aeon Flux costume 20-30 years ago. I dare not even try now (even though I still have my custom made velvet costume and 6 inch thigh high stiletto heels - and I'm back in the gym and pilates studio.) A few days ago, a friend tagged me on a FB post with Aeon Flux pics and something caught my eye.

Her knee cap braces. 

Now, admittedly that was one thing I couldn't figure out how to fabricate in the late 90s/early 00s, so I left those off. In fact, I had kind of forgotten the accessory. But, in my mind, even though these were clearly external to her body, I somehow thought they were extensions of her actual knees - like an embedded implant or something. Fast forward to today.

Where I now have two bionic knees.

Seeing Aeon's knee cap braces caused a rush of emotion in me. Like, how could I have forgotten that, especially when I was going bionic myself!! It was as if, I have become a part of my role model of 20 years ago.

Backburner Projects

The second snow of the season is coming down, I made a big pot of chicken barley veggie soup and I'm listening to Sheila Chandra's excellent drone album while I work on some projects. Over the past month or so, I've returned to several projects that went on the back burner in Q1 2020. 

I had reminded myself of my 2020 plan -- I had a war chest and some new entrepreneurial offers. But after a few months of the pandemic, and all those dreams (along with the lack of return phone calls) were shuttered. Two years of pandemic later and the entrepreneurial spirit in me was squeezed out. I wanted more structure, stability and to get paid for all the hidden things I do that is part of the job of being your own boss. So I got some clients. And my entrepreneurial projects ended went on the back burner.

You know what is interesting? These projects are coming off the back burner. It helps to have the space on the front burners too.

It's like I might be recovering from the pandemic interrupt. When I revisit these projects, they are still so fresh and relevant. And look at all this work I previously did on them. This gives me fresh energy for new projects too. For example, I banged out a first draft of a book proposal over the course of a few days. I don't know where these will go. For now, I am keeping myself busy, trying things out and paying it forward sharing what I know. 

Down

Limits pushed.
Hopes dashed.

Doing the right thing.
Only makes you a better person. (which makes everyone else worse.)

Making the world better.
Makes your experience of the world worse.

Because it falls short.
Of all expectations. 

It takes a lot of energy to create positive futures. It takes more energy to be positive than the negative. I'm lucky, I have a lot of energy available. I've cultivated it in myself. I know where to go to get it externally. But sometimes, all the energy in the world can't help me be positive. Like I've felt the past several weeks.

You see, there's this side to me. That few people see. That I don't let many people see. Because it is ugly and full of hate and anger. It is the part of me invoked when I'm fucked over again, when I'm stabbed in the back again, when I'm betrayed again, when my ideas are stolen again, when despite all the good I've done in the world, it's pain for the heathervescent again. 

I've been reading a lot of the Tao Te Ching lately. It's about the only thing that keeps me from slitting my wrists these days.

The Master has no mind of her own.
She works with the mind of the people.

She is good to people who are good.  
She is also good to people who aren't good.
This is true goodness.

She trusts people who are trustworthy.
She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy.
This is true trust.

This kind of sentiment crushes the Old Heathervescent. I mean, does it make you inspired to continue living with 99% of fucked up humanity? It does not inspire me. 

Yes, yes, I know, there is the good, the evolved, the beautiful in this world. Oh, believe me, I know about it. But sometimes, like now, all the beauty in the world doesn't matter.

Behind my positive futures is a raging hatred for the current reality. For the small-minded limited thinking of our race. I don't think we can evolve as a species fast enough. I, myself, can not wait to escape.

The Stars My Destination

"I took. I went and took. What did I leave in return? My change."

Tornado powered me 15 thousand miles. Across the great plains into the concrete jungles of New York. Across the North Atlantic to European countryside with fields, cows and wind power windmills. Skirting the edge of Europe and Africa before traversing the Atlantic once more, to the Southern Hemisphere to a favorite dream land. 

In darkness I landed. I remembered my first (terrified) time in this airport almost 20 years earlier. Different this time. No fear walking the Copacabana midnight streets. In Rio the tornado changed, shifted, transformed. A phoenix rose from the tornado calm: a blue stone wrapped in silver gold, etched with a symbol. Symbols.

The tornado powered me once more; from the South American Atlantic to the Pacific. Walking the streets of Lima with a friend, a one who is unlike any other, crystallized the fate of the tornado. Transformation, but not death. A symbol, for one and many, appeared in the calm center.

It's this symbol I returned with to Los Angeles. A symbol Los Angeles is most know for. Full circle perfection. 

Changing the Rules

Back in the summer of 2008, before we entered financial no man's land, I had an epiphany.

I knew for a long time (call it gut knowledge) that our existing financial systems were going to shift dramatically. I had no idea how and it terrified me how it might impact humanity negatively. 

One day, driving over Laurel Canyon to the San Fernando Valley, with the top down in my convertible and my dog in the passenger seat, I saw a glimpse of the future. Relief. Curiosity.

The rules would change.

We do not live in a static world. The rules (and regulations) that govern us, our systems today - did not always exist. The rules are our own creation. We change them on a regular basis. Even if the rules (or repeal of some rules) created today's situation; there is no reason to think that we (our governments, banks, institutions or people) will continue to play by those rules. I think the opposite is more true. When we don't like things, we change the rules.

Sure, if we DID decide to play by the rules, it could be a very bad scene. But who wants a bad scene? We'd have to find someone to blame - it's not easy or safe to take responsibility for our wrongs in our world. So we change the rules. And we will continue to change the rules. 

Our rules will change and evolve, the system will be pushed and gamed and played (in response), and rules will change and evolve (in response).

 We're watching and changing the rules around money, value and transations today.

The Present vs The Future

Eckhart Tolle's work and the concept of being present has come up in my network from several places recently. For several weeks, I've been percolating upon my issues with this work, trying to reconcile my negative associations with it - while practicing and living in the present moment - something I have spent years doing with various successes. I wondered, why does something about his work rub me the wrong way, while I generally agree and practice the concept?

It's important to note that I've spent years business/life planning as well as professional training to be a futurist (using scientific and creative methods to explore future possibilities).

And I've spent more than three decades understanding, decoding and reprogramming my own programming.

Here's the rub. It's not either/or. It's not a choice between the intertwined past, the present or the future. One must move fluidly between these states; mining, acting, learning and creating.

I should be honest here, my intention is not to live a life of happiness, to get my needs met, gain power or money. My intention is to consciously be - create who I want to be/am. Which is both creation and be-ing. It's a "goal" that is never met, always met, never changing, always evolving.

The present moment is about action (or inaction). It's where the shit happens (GTD baby!). It's the moving spark in time of manifestation, creation, action, re-action. It's where choice occurs. It's where one can jump from one quantum branched reality to another. (Which I have done upon numerous occasions.)

But how does one decide how or what one wants to act, or call in the programming (e.g re-act)? Is there is a preferred branch to jump into? How does one know what to look for? To read the signs? To understand the impact, the ripple of one's actions? In the pregnant present - a moment just barely into the future.

One decides how one wants to consciously act by mining the past and visiting/seeing future possibilities/implications.

Of course, it's not as simple in practice. 

Living solely in the present is as much a trap as living in the past or dreaming always about the future. 

Tolle's work, and the mantra to be present in the present moment is too simplistic for me. It's missing a magical world of manifesting, creating the world, creating the future (for accurate work once must know the past). I'm not saying, don't live in the present moment - but to live in the conscious present - you must regularly visit the past and the future.

Leveling Up

Six years ago I compared the way I viewed my life to Diablo II (ok, yes, I was a gamer at one time). I was going through some challenging things after kicking major ass at everything I had previously done. I felt pretty awesome and had new (audacious) plans.

But here I was getting my ass kicked in what seemed like all my new endeavors! What was the deal? I was the one kicking ass just moments ago. And in fact, my past ass kicking lead me to my current ass getting kicked. What the hell happened?

I'll tell you what happened. I had leveled up.

The playing field changed. The demons were stronger, sharper, faster. I had to up my own skills to kick these demons, skeletons and undead asses.  And I was taking a beating. That's the bittersweetness of leveling up. Paying homage to your awesomeness, even while eating your humility. The Zen Mind / Beginner Mind. The challenge of/for growth. Evolution.

I probably don't need to write this, but all kinds of things level up: individuals, companies, teams, ideas, products. It's a natural part of the process. But it's never easy, in fact, it requires more diligence, attention and effort. But it's worth it, because you're playing in a new game.

You've passed the previous levels and it's here you find worthy challenges. Challenges that you will pass, another level complete. The levels themselves don't really matter, except in the play, practice and execution you engage in. No one level is particulary better or "higher" than another. The importance is present awareness and attention to the worthy challenges. And practice. Lots and lots of practice.

 

The 2011 Retrospective

What a watershed year! Pivotal. My 2011 Mindmap of goals was packed, and yet, I did not fail to deliver. After 2010 - the year I did too much, I wanted to relax things but still kick ass. My themes were: Relaxed Awesome, Weaving the Threads and Return to the Path with Heart. I most certainly "succeeded" at all three.

• Grad School: Hit the books big time with my Future of Transactions Research, on track to graduate at the end of the year until the dream job put grad school on hold... ;)
• The Conference Circuit: Spoke at SXSW, Future of Money, WFS Austin, Web 2.0, WFSummit Vancouver, Sibos Toronto, Compass, Mindshare & APF Virtual Gathering; Attended TedxCalTech, PayPal Developer's Conference, Internet Identity Workshop (A & B)
• Awards! Honorable Mention for the Value Exchange, Fly Me to the Moon nominated for Most Important Futures Work
• Scholarships! Kay Hamilton Future Studies, PEO ELF Award
• Produced two Films: Fly Me to the Moon and Flowers for Grandma (post-production)
• Became Bi-Coastal: Boy, did New York really get under my skin, but she had to bring out the big guns to do it. 
• Found my Dream Job: Who knew it existed? (Actually, I did.)
• The Usual Cacophony in March, June, August and December: Brides, Caveman, bi-coastal Santarchy and a surprising wolf pack in upper Manhattan. 
• Tons of great times/re-connections with friends from my early SF Intervista/Cacophony days in SF, NY and Portland.
• Despite family death and illnesses (cancer, knee surgery, brain tumor), I have the best relationships with my family I've ever had. Spent tons of time and holidays with my family, including my first fly fishing trip with Dad. Became an aunt for the second time.
• Travel! Hawaii, SF (3x), Montana, Colorado, Belgium (2x), Black Rock City, London, Toronto, Vancouver, New York City (5x), Austin, Houston, Salton Sea, Mountain View, Mammoth, Palos Verde, Portland and always to return to my City of Angels.
• Barcamp LA Returns! After a two year hiatus, I was part of the team that brought it back. 
• Writing: Completed two scripts, although I didn't do as much Sci-Fi story writing as I wanted...

My focus for 2012 was going to be "the Return of the H-bomb." (H-Bomb is one of my nicknames, mostly used in 2005-8, my kick ass years.) But after reviewing this year, I think the H-bomb is back in full force.

So 2012... is the year of living the future in present tense, with all my ass kicking warrior rockstar dreaming manifesting magic. Take my hand, there is plenty of space to dance here in the eye of the tornado... 

On Change and Adaptation

The landscape in which we live, to which we are adapted, will also change; and that any one adaptation leaves the truths of the others outside its domain. - Rob Tow on Neo-enlightenment

 

Financial System Introspections

A couple thoughts on Money and Transactions have been fluttering in my mind. Until tonight, I've been out experiencing my first Sibos, International Banking convention. It's been a wild mix of activities, observations and surprises.

Incumbents and Start-ups: They need to work together. I'm concerned with the disruption coming from start-up land because I know how start-ups are run. I'm a start-up girl. I love the risk, the challenge of building a new idea, making it real, taking it to market, to the people. Building something, a beta, launching, rapid product development. I know how long it takes for good QA cycles (even with Agile development) - and when we're talking about about a living infrastructure the world depends on - this is not something I want left up to my wonderful, disruptive start-up entrepreneurs. There are serious risks, liability. The necessary requirements for up time and consistency would kill a start-up.

We watch consumers get pissed on social media with any little thing not perfect? Wait till their finances get as messed up as their airline travel. Not a pretty sight. Start-ups and the Big Financial Incumbents need to work together. To do what they do best, so they can keep doing what they do best. To help each other innovate, create/build standards and infrastruture and provide solid, risk reliant financial products and services. There is a place for both the start-up and the incumbent in our new world.

The current system doesn't deserve to be destroyed. Just because it's had some major problems recently, doesn't mean it should be killed. I DO NOT Believe the existing money system is going away. We are BUILDING upon the existing system. The existing system is a FOUNDATION upon which more value is being created. These emerging things could not emerge without prior existence of our current system. Just as our current system evolved out of the previous one.

This is not a case where the phoenix should be immolated only to rise again. Let's create a new metaphor - joining the strength of the past, building upon this strength and pushing, expanding, extending it out into the unknown, the impossible - and bring our hands back full of start-up ideas for an expanding ecosystem. This is pragmatic futures work.

Embrace and extend. I use the not so loved metaphor to explain my thoughts on what I prefer to see happen with the current system/situation. Incumbents embrace these new systems/concepts/ideas and extend the infrastructure into these new area. (There's a place for start-ups too.)

Market Externalities. Triple Bottom Line. Encoding a new language. Creating the interface to plug currently understood non-financial values/transactions into the market system. Giving/Letting the market system do what it does best. Loosen the bonds holding back the flow of currency.

There is no black and white. All bets are off. We are traversing new ground (while we create it in front of us - just as Iron Council's railroad tracks). Drop your judgements, your expectations, your assumptions. Do not indulge in the dystopian. Challenge yourself to join me (and a less sarcastic Candide) in the Protopian Flipside: a thriving ecosystem of possibilities, waiting to be plucked and incubated into reality. Further refining. The most magical of all: creating a lot of somethings from "nothing." Creating value. Creating the infrastruture for this value to participate in the system.

All Bets Are Off

Several year ago, when I called San Francisco my home, I changed my life. If you go back far enough on the blog you can visit those days. I stopped living by rules, because I realized the rules no longer applied. All Bets Were Off. It wasn't my choice, the bets being off. I just realized my world had changed.

Last Saturday I remembered those days. My old mantra went through my mind. I was the single passenger, sitting in the co-pilot's seat in a small 6 seater Cessna on it's way to a dusty runway in the desert. I feasted my eyes on the brown landscape, broken only by the turquoise of Pyramid Lake. My mind went back to the old phrase, rolled it around in my mind. It wasn't just me the bets were all off for. It was the whole world. The rules in the world have changed. The Bets are Off for all of us now. And it's actually quite freeing.

Diamonds and Jacarandas

"May the four winds blow you home again."

Mornings are cool, moist breeze if I'm lucky. Colors psychedelic purple, vibrant green, magenta. Natural colors be-speckling the grey sidewalks, the black pavement. Trip-trotting four paws, black tail, white tip. Sniff.

I've set off on many adventures since moving to Los Angeles a mere 7 years ago. I arrived with a carload, a one month sublet and no plans, job or friends. All I knew is that Los Angeles wanted me. Adventures ensued. I've painted many canvas's of my identity here in this city of possibilities.

Seven years later, I know the curves of my city, caressing them with each kiss of my comings and goings. Fresh paved Hollywood Blvd, Sunset Blvd, dodging potholes on Olympic. I keep on dancing up and down the gears with the green and red. But what she has in store for me, is always a surprise. 

Today I was making room. Saying good-bye. I packed away all my performance equipment. Costumes, props from my Zombie Cabaret Troupe. Man, that was a blast! How many people can say they had a Zombie Cabaret Troupe in Hollywood? But that's in the past, for now at least. Packed up in boring brown boxes, taken up the industrial elevator to my storage unit in Hollywood. Surveying the stuff, I am reminded of these seven years. Each packet an icon, a symbol for the event, the moment, a memory trigger. I am not yet ready to release these items from my self. But I need the room for new projects, new adventures, new identities, so I pack these away for another day - if only a day for memories.

E.F. and I chat as I make room. We've gotten to know each other over the years. He's always saying something profound, something perfect for the moment. And no different today. Today, I brought him a copy of The Heart's Desire.

And you Nuestra Senora our Queen of Angels? Thanks for a roller-coaster seven years. It's not always easy and it's sometimes hard to be thankful living a self-actualized life, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Let's keep on flying and pull the net ever higher.

The Future of Collaboration

Collaborating can be one of the best things to experience and recently I have had some new mindmelding group borg collaborative experiences - mostly due to technology.

Google Docs: The collective editing experience

My colleague and I were editing/creating the same google doc. We were exploring/creating/clarifying a project/article we decided to work on. We're on different sides of the country, three time zones apart and yet when were working on the document at the same time, I felt closer, able to collaborate more effectively than had we been in person.  We were interacting fully online - with a text chat/discussion and the document editing and creating. Our places in the document were identified by different colored cursors, but there was not change tracking mechanism. We also did not stick to certain sections of the document. We skipped all around, I working on one section for a bit, then him jumping in (reading) commenting, editing/wordsmithing. The end product was one of the most collaborative documents I have co-created.  And I might mention, this is with a colleague I have never met face to face.

 

Barcamp: Ad-hoc Do-ocracy

Myself and a team of ~8 co-organizers have been bringing back this favorite technology un-conference to Los Angeles since late 2010.  What has been interesting to watch is the changing group of active participants.  Although I feel there is one person driving the team (with a light hand) the experience I have had is one of "picking up the balls." Meaning, whatever needs to get done, ends up getting done by whomever can do it. Everyone has contributed their skills and expertise when it was needed. This has been a great experience in ad-hoc do-ocracy.

 

FutrChat: The fastest hour on Twitter

I had not participated in many Twitter Chats before participating in #futrchat. Futrchat is was started by Cindy FrewenWuellner and Jennifer Jarratt for the Association of Professional Futurists (APF), of which I am a (student) member. Each month a new topic around the Future of ____ is chosen. Some framing information is shared before the chat to set the stage. Then the firehose is turned on at a specific pre-scheduled time. In 3-5 minutes, my twitter stream goes from it's usual ticking of random information to lighting up across the globe. Futrchat participants tune in from Australia, UK and all across the US.

Then the hosts begin to pose the questions. (Each chat has 3-6 questions we explore in the hour.) And then the 50 or so conversation participants begin to answer them. In the answering, people respond to each other, chasing down an idea or querying for additional information. And all this is done within 140 characters.  If this was a verbal conversation, it would be cacophony, everyone would be "speaking" at once. And online, in text, everyone is speaking at once. But because text has the ability to be linear and allow multiple responses in the same timespace, no one "interrupts," no one has to be silent to allow others their turn. Your turn is always, if you choose to take it.

Of course, one is not always "talking." There is the time needed to read (listen) to other's answers. To see who is responding to you. To think about what your response is to what you are reading (hearing). (And yes, I hear these people's voices in my head as I read their tweets.)

Although, it is generally just me, in my home office with my favorite furry companion during these #futrchats, I feel more stimulated than going to a conference. I'm in the comfort of my home, with high speed connection, able to quickly type, with my dual monitors to have various screens open to slice and dice and display the chatting data in various ways so I can follow and track the "radiowaves." This is ebonding. The intense human interaction that causes you to learn, understand and share more of yourself and others. For that hour, I am in an auditorium, that is can be filled with the voices of many people talking about things I find interesting. 

And then the hour passes, and the energy and space dissolves, the twitter stream returns back to it's usual bubbling. The channel has closed, for the moment, but it always accessible.

A quick note about participating in these chats. There is no specific location we go to to have these conversations. It's not like we go to a specific chat room, or IRC or private label login. Yes, we are all on twitter, but besides that, the only thing you need to do to participate is to use the hashtag: #futrchat. It is like tuning into a radio station, but instead of only receiving, you can also send.  Additionally, the technology of twitter, allows for both the sending and receiving of the information being sent on the wave (the hashtag #futrchat). 

 

In Closing

Technology is facilitating a way for the individual, completely and fully as an individual - I, to participate in a collective activity - a community - WE - if only for moments. These collaborations facilitated by technology are profound shifts in how individuals and communities form each other and participate with/in them.

A Box of Journals

I was moving things around in the storage unit last night. Box after box, I was reminded of who I was - who I am. Things I put in storage "just for a while" until I got settled down. Well.... 5 years later, in the short-term place I moved into ... the reminders of my identity are still in boxes.

One box was like slicing into the raw. It was my box of journals. I found three from 2003, 2004 and 2005.  Opening them, I was thrust into a very hard edged heather. Reading my own words, handwriting that no longer matches my own (I change it on a regular basis) I was shocked. Shocked and suprised by what I wrote. Who was this person I was reading? Who was this person I had become?

Back in 2003, I was so different. Cut. Edge. Ruthless. Completely and totally ruthless with my life. It was as if, I walked out the dojo (and I did metaphorically) and into the world. And in doing so, I was changed. And I changed (as in forged myself).

I need to study this past self. I still feel the echos and reverberations of her. And yet, I am still her. I remember speaking to her as I am today. And how she laughed, but also enjoyed the thrill and freedom. I don't remember her words to me. I think she had turned her back on me and walked out into the world, to see what she could become, knowing she's be here at some point.

Bad Habits of the Technologic

Technology has generally improved my life. But there is one activity where it has definitely screwed me up. Since using communication technology (specifically mostly text and voice without video) I have seriously increased my interrupting. I've been watching it increase significantly over the past 6 months, floundering, not knowing what to do. I hate it when I am interrupted, and even more so, hate it when I catch myself doing it. Sometimes you have to on a conference call, since there are no non-verbal cues. But more recently... I am bulldozing into conversations and sentences without a concern for who is talking... and I blame it on (well besides myself) my significant use of text communication. 

Yes. Increased text communication has increased my interruption of people, even when I am face to face. The text communication has shifted the way I communicate on a core level. Here's how. (And why.)

Background: I spend a significant amount of time in text chats on Skype. I would say, at least 10-20 hours a week. (That's probably an under-estimate.) Since I am in a geographically dispersed team. I spend another 10+ hours communicating in extremely clear emails or email conversations. These are not dissimilar from the skype chats, except that the conversations take days.

In both these situations, I am in control of when and what I communicate. I do not have to wait my turn to write and send an email. There can be 3 people texting in the group chat at the same time. Sure, I have to wait to get my answer, but if someone asks a question, we are not limited to one response at a time. Two people can respond (or in the face to face world, would be speaking) at the same time. However in the speaking world, you generally notice your error and someone stops. One can't parse two voice streams at the same time. However one can parse two (or more) typed streams.... and we are doing this more and more.

Threaded, nested and parallel conversations are not out of the ordinary. Many of us have these all the time. On our cell phone, smart phone or mobile device, text, twitter, email, gchat, work email, facebook. We are all getting very good at parsing and following multi-level/threaded stories and conversations.

<Reminds me of the time I was having three conversations with two other people. I was in Brasil and my broth was visiting me. He did not speak any Portuguese. We were out with a friend who didn't speak any English. I was have a conversation in English with my brother, in Portuguese with my friend and translating the conversation between my brother and my friend into the appropriate Portuguese or English.>

Back to my interruptions. Being exposed, living and creating the environment where it's all text, there are no verbal cues, where there is never an interruption (or alternately, it's all an interruption) has completely fucked with my ability to wait to hear what other people say. 

It's not that I don't want to hear what they have to say. I'm just used to not having to wait to hear them. That, I can say what I want to say, while they are saying (typing) what they want to say. This breaks down in verbal words, where one must wait for another to finish speaking.

This is exacerbated by the soapbox. Once you get on a roll, and no one is interrupting you, well, it's hard to stop. It's like being stuck in a traffic jam and then suddenly all the traffic went away and you have the clear, wide open road.

I don't like interrupting people. But I don't know how to stop. I know how and why I got sucked back into interrupting. (The technology re-programmed parts of my communication methodologies), but.... how to get back. How to show the respect to those who are speaking, those who I _want_ to hear.

It's a problem of switching mediums. Of switching the accepted communication methods. The primary method become the default. And unfortunately for my verbal conversations, that has changed.

Enlightenment Hierarchy

We were joking around a few weeks ago, my colleagues and teachers. I was jesting that I was really getting in tune with my asshole self (after a series of completely fucked up non and mis-communications that painted me in the biggest asshole picture possible.) Instead of blaming someone else's lack of communication or understanding on the mis-hap, I just owned my assholeness. Someone quipped that you could see my teacher's discipline for exact body placement as bitchiness, which she duly owned and played up. If your foot is off 1 millimeter, believe me, you will hear about it. (Used to drive me crazy!)

After our conversation I got thinking. About a messed up hierarchy of enlightenment. Whereas after certain years of diligence you reach the asshole level. Then if you continue to work hard, you can reach the bitch level. And then if you dedicate your life and work really hard, you can finally reach the top level: Self-Righteousness.

I like to think of it as the backward walk to enlightenment. Hell, I've been enlightened for almost a decade or more and where has it gotten me? I still have to deal with all the same shitty people in the world. And now, I get to see with such clarity when I am a shitty individual myself. Whoo-wee! I'm an enlightened self-righteous bitchy asshole!

You'd better get out of my way and drive!

ps. Enlightenment is not something that is attained once and for all, but practiced and revealed.

Future of Space Travel Analogy

The breakthrough came this morning:

Birds are to the Earth as Humans are to Space.

The analogy is not as simple as it may seem. There is a new Nature report out describing a type of internal GPS/internal avian magnetic compass that birds use to navigate their migrations.

Wouldn't it be cool (and perhaps it is necessary) for humans to create/develop a similar sense to navigate to cosmos?

Energy Cornfield

I've been doing a lot of thinking about green energy and environmentalism. I hate to admit it, but when someone starts talking to me about green business, sustainability or green energy, my eyes glaze over and I stop considering them a serious individual (with a few very rare exceptions for a few of my extraordinary friends). The whole green energy/conservationism/savetheworldbandwagon makes me sick. It's hard for me to see it as something other than a bunch of white $$shame trying to save the world but only from their worldview/valueset.

I've felt very conflicted (and wrong and bad) about this attitude, wondering if I'm anti-conservation/green? Maybe it's just my contrarian tendencies. Is it about control? (I don't want anyone telling me how or where I should get my energy or how to use it, thank you very much.) But here's the thing - I actually think conservation and reducing energy use is the exact opposite direction that we as a human species should be going.

It hit me this week. Energy conservation and the development of solar and wind energies is akin to caloric restriction. Sure, it has been scientifically proven to help you live longer, but you certainly can't be a body builder on it. Nor can you express your human potential on it. (Unless that is living long enough for the Singularity - a noble cause in it's own, but one I care not to achieve.) Sure solar and wind will give us some energy, but they just help us put off dealing with peak oil. The amount of energy in oil is so highly concentrated and it is so easily chemically manipulated. We are not going to stop using oil and coal before we use them up no matter how much solar, wind and bio-fuel energies are available.

Based on my studying and my gut feelings, it is CRITICAL that we have excessive amounts of free/cheap energy to evolve to the next level. It is the difference between hunter/gatherer existence, and the Iowas cornfields I drove through this afternoon. With excessive amounts cheap energy many many things will become possible and be invented that can not possibly exist today.

It is the difference between an outdoor cooking fire and the electric plug in your wall that your electronic device "breathes" from.

I'm not saying we shouldn't develop wind, solar or vegetable based energy: we should, but I do not believe that these methods of energy capture/harnessing will be the difference between the metaphorical hunter/gatherer and cornfields of Iowa. Those energy models will merely maintain the existing paradigm. (And they will only prolong our dealing with peak oil. We're gonna use all the oil in this earth sooner or later.) Which is fine, but not something I am particular interested in. I'm focused on blowing past our current place in time/space/culture/history (not maintaining it) and creating the path to the future.

Analogies:

• Caloric Restriction is to Solar/Wind/Bio Energy as Best Life Possible is to Human evolution/paradigm shift
• Fire is to Hunter/Gatherer as Electricity is to Agriculture as Cheap usable Energy is to the next human paradigm shift (space? singularity?)
• Solar/wind energy is to aspirin as Energy is to broken arm

Ps. Lainie, Evoamo, Hippy Steve - forgive me for this post. I still love you all and your greening ways!

What does the World Want?

Do you know what the world wants?

How about the earth?

How about the United States? What are our goals as a nation?

I've been thinking about these things since I started my first grad class, World Futures. People have so many assumptions about what they think is right or correct or the way to do things. Today I read an article about biofuels that posited that increased focus on biofuels would increase poverty and hunger.

The only reason global warming is a problem is because it might be a problem for humans. It might make the earth not optimal for the human race (and possibly a bunch of other animals). But in the scheme of the universe, does this really matter?  I mean, what does the earth want?

Let's assume that the earth wants life on and around it. If that's that case, then it really doesn't matter in the long run whether or not an animal (human, plants, etc) is extinct now or later. Everything dies. The human race will cease to exist at some point in the future. Life will continue. But what kind of life does the earth want? What kind of intelligent life (if any)?

I often think about pollution and destruction of the environment in the same frame of mind as ingesting drugs or other "poisonous" items. To much drugs of any kind can often kill you, or do irreversible damage. That sucks for the person who damaged themself, but if they survive, they will still live, still have experiences, life. Life wins. If they kill themselves by drug usage, well then, their life transforms and lives on another way - sometimes that energy lives on in their stories.

Recently I have become obsessed with economics and have started reading copious quantities of financial reports and documentation. I started wondering, what is the goal of our nation - the United States. And I sadly could not identify any goal. It made me think that perhaps our past goals (set by our founding fathers) have been achieved, and we are in the state of confusion, waffling, figuring out where to go and what to do next. We've gotten our priorities confused, gotten bit by the hierarchy bug, forgotten our values, taken drugs.

This makes me very sad. And I wonder, is it possible (yes, of course the possibility it there, but how high the probability is it) for a country, a nation, to have goals?

And if a nation can, what about a world?

A New Direction

Earlier this year I decided to follow-up on one of my long-term dreams: to go back to school.

When I went to college over a decade ago, my original plan was to go straight through and get my Ph.d and go on to write, teach and research. The only problem was - I had no idea what I wanted to focus on. That is why I focused my academic time on learning to communicate. I had many thoughts and idea and understandings of the world that I found difficult to communicate. With words, with pictures.

How does one communicate unclear baby ideas? With poetry.

So I thought I wanted to be a poet. I learned to communicate with metaphors and similes and like/as comparisons. Mathematical propositions. 

At the center of my inquire was understanding and perspectives. I realized early on that people have a wide variety of many different perspectives. And all perspectives were valid - although some were more universally accepted than others. Some were thought of as right or wrong. And I too thought some things were right and wrong. But there is a difference between right and correct.

I wanted to understand these perspectives. Where did they come from? How did they occur? Why was something correct or right? Why did people who spoke certain language think and act very different from people who speak another language?

The words we speak (or are taught) partially make up our worldview - our perspective. I wanted to immerse myself in as many different perspectives as possible; to learn about other perspectives and my own, but also to remind myself that perspective itself is a perspective. To learn the language of languages. Of cognitive mindsetculture based on the communication methods.

This is where I started from. I call them my "armchair curiosities". I'm obsessed with possibilities and the probability of those possibilities. And how people - us humans - interact with technology: creating it, interfacing with it, change it, is changed by it, evolves by/with/because of it. And the future.

I've been pondering going back to school for about a year. But what discipline would I study? (That is the problem with traditional universities - locking you into a field.) I kept coming back to cognitive neuroscience. I'm fascinated with out brains and perception. How we create our world based on accurate (and false) sensory data. But I wasn't satisfied with just that idea. It leaves out my passion for technology.

Then I heard about Singularity University. So I applied. And out of over 1200 applications, I got on the waitlist. For one of 40 spots.

I'm terrified to hear I won't get in (this year). Because I've realized how important this direction is to me. But it's validation enough to be on the waitlist (for now).

This is the direction I most dream and am terrified to go. Straight into the future. To understanding and creating the future. To helping us - people - understand and evolve ourselves - using the best that technology can offer.

The Nobel Prize

Do you know how the Nobel prize started? It was the dream of a dead man.

"The whole of my remaining realizable estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind. The said interest shall be divided into five equal parts, which shall be apportioned as follows: one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery or invention within the field of physics; one part to the person who shall have made the most important chemical discovery or improvement; one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery within the domain of physiology or medicine; one part to the person who shall have produced in the field of literature the most outstanding work in an ideal direction; and one part to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses. The prizes for physics and chemistry shall be awarded by the Swedish Academy of Sciences; that for physiology or medical works by the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm; that for literature by the Academy in Stockholm, and that for champions of peace by a committee of five persons to be elected by the Norwegian Storting. It is my express wish that in awarding the prizes no consideration be given to the nationality of the candidates, but that the most worthy shall receive the prize, whether he be Scandinavian or not."
 - From here.

Goodbye Grandfather

Death has been hitting me with the left punches recently, so I wasn't entirely surprised to get the phone call from my mom earlier today telling me grandfather passed away. Not the grandfather I just visited in Iowa. Here's the "funny" part.

As I was driving out to my Aunt's house in Riverside Saturday morning I thought of Grandpa Norm (who lived out in Palm Springs). I was not close to him and had not been close for some time. In the car, while driving on the 60, I heard his voice. I saw him in the hospital room. I saw things about his life I had never seen before. I understood his pain. His life challenges and why he drowned himself in alcohol in his later years. Silent tears ran down my cheeks as I forgave him and told him he could go. That I held no more grudges and I wished him peace.

It was 10:26am and I noted the time, because I knew his passing would be soon if it had not already happened.

Preparing for Death

I traveled to Iowa to visit my grandparents who are in their late 80s and starting to have a few problems. I wanted to spend time with them as you never know what might happen or when they might go. I wanted to see them while I still could. But the universe gave me a punch out of left field.

In a cafe in Austin, my mom told me she had been diagnosed with a rare very deadly form of cancer: primary peritoneal cancer. Everyone who has been diagnosed with it has died from it. Average lifespan after diagnosis is 2 years - maybe 5, 10 at the max.

The heaviness of this has been sinking in the past couple days. All this mental preparation to say goodbye to my grandparents, to see them, tell them things, hear things from them, spend time with them, my possible last goodbye - I am re-adjusting to my mom. The good thing, is that I feel very good about my relationship with her. There is nothing unsaid, nothing I am concerned about. But damn, I thought there would be more time.

I have seen death, so I'm not afraid - for myself or her or anyone.

But thinking about the end, is making me think about certain things differently. I often consider my own death, and what I want to be doing when it visits its final kiss. If I died today, sure there are a lot of things I will miss out on doing, being and accomplishing - but I've had a good life, I've done everything I've wanted to up to now. But moving beyond today - priorities shift.

Enlightenment

I've been recently wondering if I'm enlightened. I mean, of course if you think you are - you can't be. And even if you are - you're not all the time. It's not like it's a state that can be attained and held onto. It's fleeting moments that grow longer in time as one becomes more enlightened. And there are always more perspectives, and wider understandings and unraveling of opposites along with the solidifying of specifics.

So am I enlightened? Well yeah - doh. Will I become more enlightened? again - yeah - doh. And will I become my stupid self - yes again! Hooray for being human!

Indian View

When ships first came to the new world, I was told a story where the local indians couldn't see the ships on the horizon. They didn't have the context or worldview to actually "see" the ships.

The indians were on their own in the "new world". While Europe had risen and burned and conquered and been conquered, tribes in the Americas grew and developed with no contact.

What if we (the people on this earth) are like the Indians? Developing in a vacuum - alone in our immediate neighborhood. Unable to see the "discoverers" from another land because our worldview does not permit the recognition of a different pinta, nina and santa maria?

What shock it would be when the ships docked in the harbor?

Religion = Imagination

Interesting article theory on why religion evolved:

In a piece reported on in New Scientist, Maurice Bloch has proposed another basis for religion: imagination. Because we can project ourselves and imagine the "transcendental" relation in social and personal relationships, we can imagine that there are agents not visible or present, he claims. The paper is also a good historical review of theories of religion, and makes the point that "religion" is not well defined as a topic of investigation of explanation.

From Evolving Thoughts

And the dreams came true

I recently went to a workshop where the focus was on how to get your heart's desire and manifesting your dreams. I had leave after 30 minutes of it because I realized that I no longer needed to learn how to have my heart's desire. (I wrote my process for doing this in 2005.) Instead of sitting in a conference center for 2 days, writing down my dreams and how I might go about realizing them, I went out and did it.

That was the trip to Salvation Mountain.

That morning, before I went to the workshop, I stopped at drugstore to buy a toothbrush (I had forgotten to pack mine.) At the checkout counter were these packs of green M&Ms specially marketed for Valentines Day (which was over). I realized that here was the manifestation of one of my childhood dreams. You see, the green M&M's were always my favorite - and it was my dream to have a package of only green m&m's. Here it is - almost 30 years later - my dream come true. So I bought the package.

Checkmark: childhood dream come true.

Which made me start thinking - what happens when all your dreams come true? Is that life Bo-ring? Do you dream more dreams? What happens when you can have anything you dream? It sounds like a magical place to be. To conjure up whatever I want. And yet, that's the position I'm in right now. So what do I want? More bigger dreams? More harder challenges? More proving grounds?

There are always more dreams. For me at least. There will be challenges associated with those dreams. And I've just jumped my most recent hurdle (thank you to my ruthless ego). I've proved myself. I can make all my dreams a reality.

So what is beyond dreams?  *** *******

---

ps. and don't go thinking that all these dreams will be destroyed. I have already had all my dreams destroyed. That was my first experience with dreams. It was destroyed dreams that would never come true. And then there was the time where all my dreams came true, but then my dreams changed.

A shot of faith and inspiration

Just watch this.

Rising to the front

I've recently become obsessed with Gwen Stefani. I've got the beat of Hollaback Girl tattoed in my brain, mostly because of DJ Schmoli and A+D's mashups and the three performances I've produced with Gwen mashups: The Original Hollaback Thriller, Hollaback Thriller Redux, and Hollaback Headhunter.

I was often surprised to find out a song I liked and heard on the radio was hers. What really made her stand out in my brain though, was when I saw/heard her song "wind it up".  I don't usually see music videos, so just seeing it was a major accomplishment for me. What I heard blew my mind. I thought it was a mash-up, but it was so obviously her song taking from various inspirations. Brazilian batucada,  musical mash-up with a club beat and a rap ripple going through the song. I was blown away - this was the most innovate music by a single artist since I heard Suba.

I've started listening to her entire discography and I continue to be impressed, inspired you might even say, so much so, that I'm making Gwen my role model for 2008. I'll add her to girl crew of Pippi, Aeon, and Ivy. I need to add some pop-bling to my image and she's the perfect polish.

Evolve /=/ Die

The universe wants you to evolve. To do so, you must die. Therefore you can choose to evolve or die and in evolving you will die. However, instead of an existential death at the end of the line, you will be reborn and become something else.

Personally, I prefer to know what I am killing and choose my death and it's time. (Hey, we're good friends my death and I.) It's what I become that constantly surprises and terrifies me.

Pink Goth Powerpoints and Brenda Laurel

I'm working on a pink goth powerpoint business plan. Who would have thought this was possible and that I would do it, but yeah, it kicks ass and sometimes I love my job. Part of this love is running across Brenda Laurel again. Man, she just totally rocks. I'm adding her to my list of inspiring kick ass women I want to be like.

ps. geek dinner recap is coming. It was a blast!

Unicorns and Religion

How did I miss the Invisible Pink Unicorns? (All this time I have been talking about invisible pink elephants...) Unicorns on wikipedia. And more invisible pink unicorns?

The Invisible Pink Unicorn logo represents atheism.
It is a fusion between the mathematical void symbol and the stylized representation of an unicorn.
The void symbol (empty set Ø) is an allusion to nothingness and in this case meaning "no faith" or "no god". The unicorn is a reference to a kind of story that atheists often tell to make their point.

Very delightful - but I am far far far from being an atheist. In fact, I had a delightful conversation with two Christian missionarys when I was in Sedona. The part that freaked me out the most (but really didn't freak me out that much) was that I could completely understand and agree with most of what they were saying. In fact, I live my life pretty much exactly the way they live their life. The big exception, I don't think Jesus is the only bridge. The other exception, I have no interest in going to heaven (or hell for that matter) I have my eye set on something .... else. The other exception, I don't quote from the bible (although I was quite interested in what they were quoted and totally understood the point of the quotes).

I do believe that I speak a different "religion", "spiritual" language. The problem is, I can speak many languages... but people don't all speak my language. That's ok, because I have a direct link/line to "G-d" which I call something different.

My favorite part of the conversation was when we were talking about good and evil and they were telling me how deceptive Satan was and I said, exactly, the whole concept of good and evil is a deception (because well it is). It is a method to distract us and get us to play on sides against each other - when really we're all one big thing. The deception is that there is no good and evil (and yet, there is most definitely good and evil).

Anyway, talking with them crystallized my possible explanation of this paradox (at least in my mind). Back to the circle with a dot in the center. Or, when you peel all the layers of the onion- where is the onion? (ps, it's the layers)

Angsty = Awesome

So last night I made Kaliya (who was in town visiting) meet me at LA Angst. I dug out two of my old journals 10 minutes before I left. One was the infamous Brazil journal - which is green and falling apart. The other was a journal I occasionally write and give updates to (it was started in 1991 and there are years between entries) - hey, who says I have to have only 1 journal? I mean, I've got this blog, my paper journal, my nav log, my GTD notebook and a variety of other notebooks. Anyway, I even found some poetry stuffed into the brazil journal (amazing because I burned all my love letters and most of my writing 2 years ago)

Here's the line up from last night. It was a total blast! Thank you to Leah (top o the list) for organizing it.

LeahPeah

Mocha Momma

Katronika

Redleather

West Coast Grrlie Blather

Heathervescent

Yay for us!

Recapitulation - why - a Hofstader story

Recapitulation is an exercise to recall, review, release, and recharge energy.  It rids a person of assumptions and preconceptions. Recapitulation is remembering or more precisely, reviving events and experiences. [Source]

I've alluded many times to Douglas Hofstader's new book, I am a Strange Loop. One of the reasons this book fascinates me so much, is that much of Hofstader's descriptions, describe almost exactly knowledge I learned through other sources.

But first, I'll come clean. I studied and practiced the teachings of mystic G.I. Gurdjieff actively for 5 years and in a school for at least 3 of those. (Much of what I know of Wilbur's Integral Theory reminds me of those Gurdjieff lessons.) Then I flowed into Aikido and practiced martial movements and paratheatrical rituals. One fine Berkeley day, I was coming back from aikido class and on a whim, I stopped in the temporary Berkeley Library. I frequent bookstore more than libraries. I had no idea what to look for. Them I remembered someone told me about some teachings of don juan. It was the last person I talked to at college. I had no idea who the author was, so I started looking up titles. I couldn't find that particular book, but I found the section that included other books by the same author. I picked two at random and took them on vacation with me. The author turned out to be Carlos Castaneda, and the first book I read, was The Fire from Within. (Shamanism was not new to me. Another fluke library stop, more than 10 years previous got 13 year old Heather obsessed with Lynn V Andrews. I accepted these stories as the myths and fairytales I had read.) I read the stories with a skeptics disbelief - the activities in his books are truly impossible, but I found myself agreeing more and more on the explanation and belief structure. It was so similar to my own, I realized that I was holding in my hands a book I would write had this book not been written. Rather than get angry (like I did at Taoism 10 years previous) I wanted to learn more. I gave myself a year to experience these impossible things. That year was the first of many years of practice and studying personal freedom - true freedom.

So what does this have to do with Hofstader?

Much of the more difficult concepts I learn (and try to explain) about true freedom Hofstader has explained with the ease of mathematical terms, analogies and stories. He easily explains Plato's cave - much more eloquently than Plato did. Here's an excerpt he uses to explain our warehouse (of symbols) and I can use it to show the importance of recapitulation.

(book excerpt after the jump)

Thoughts Percolating

Friday I was hit with a big does of project creativity working on the various unicorn forms for my burning man camp. I was mocking out the 7ft metal structure, when staring out into the yard, I spied a pair of sawhorses. And the vision of transformation hit me. Or rather a vision that transformed the sawhorses into unicorns hit me. So I mocked it all out and proceeded to plan to work in wood.

That put on a trip down memory lane. Back to shop class in 8th grade (I was one of 4 girls) and metal working class in 7th grade. It was great fun to map out the plans and make templates/patterns. I imagined this was similar in a way to what Suz did when she was a pattern maker. And I could see the challenges in doing this work. Then I spent 2 hours at home depot gathering materials. I realized how thankful I am that I do not have to cut the trees myself or plane them for smooth edges. And I realized the amount of work it took to be a carpenter back in the day. You had to have tools, building knowledge, wood and tree knowledge (like do you want to map out your template against or with the grain of the wood?) and which wood is best for the thing you are working on?  And then of course my mind wandered to Jesus. (Disclaimer: do not think I am going all Christian on you, I am not - it's just the Jesus Year, ok.) And I was thinking about being a carpenter was about creating. Starting from a basic idea and some basic materials, a carpenter makes real an idea - cabinets, furniture, a house.

And the act of creating, the practice of creating something over and over gives one a lot of power and insight, not to mention skills.

A comment on my suicide post a few weeks ago. There is a follow-up rattling around in my head called, the human is dead, long live the human. When the human sheds its form and becomes something different and at the same time retains human shape.

Which reminds me of detachment. Recapitulation. Self-observation. The Confessional. The act of Confession, practicing Buddhist detachment, the warrior's method of recapitulation, and Gurdjieff's self-observations methods are all methods to the same end. Awareness of the many facets of our personality, (bonus points for understanding that others have many same and different facets), detaching from those facets as our ultimate identity (realizing the collection of facets is not You), and forgive oneself when those personalities manifest themselves to us/in us again.

Hey, wasn't that one of the roles of the pantheon of Gods? (I am just remembering an idea I had about this.) It was because the Gods/desses were making you do it, or you were under the influence of that Goddess, or you pissed one of them off. The Gods gave standard metaphors for a  personality characteristics that you and I have. It's a facet inside us. The gods and goddesses are in_side us. But they are not us. Yes, we are puppets of the gods, until we are master of ourselves, and then the gods are the puppets.

Anyway, enough on this subject for Sunday morning. I've got some projects to manifest.

Kiva in Action + Kiva extended

I've been watching Kiva for a while now. My pal Kareem first told me about it last year and I checked into it and then promptly forgot about it. Well, I didn't really forget about it. I started thinking about it in a new way.

You see, I love science - scientific research - scientific breakthroughs. So Kiva got me started thinking about a way for scientists to fund their research with private microinvestments - similar to what Kiva is doing. Now, this mental masturbation distracted me from Kiva itself, and I started mapping out what kind of site it would take to set up a Kiva structure for scientific research. Here's a story about a researching who went and found independent research monies (thanks S for the link). And then there is Moller, who has been working on his dream for a long time. I think this is a great idea, and I definately want to make it happen. So if you want to collaborate with me (hi M!) then let's talk.

But back to Kiva. Kareem recently reminded me about the site again and this time, instead of getting sidetracked in my own ideas, I executed. For less than the price of dinner, I could make someone's dream come true, I could help the world and Kiva made it possible for me to do it. I started looking through the borrowers. I wanted to pick one where my amount would be the final amount and then the loan funded. I found Olga, who is a furniture maker. My $25 was the final amount to fund her $1000 loan.

As I was looking through borrowers, another story caught my eye. Maria lives in Mexico and runs a grocery store. She is 1 year younger than me and has 8 children! Wow. What a totally different life. I contributed $25 to her loan (which is about to be funded).

To realize that $50 can make a difference in Olga and Maria's lives make me ... grateful for being able to help. Make me realize that I really am in a privileged position and I must do everything I can to raise the pyramid from the bottom - not scramble to the top.

You too can make a different. With a tiny amount of money. $25 is so little. Please join me and help raise the pyramid from the bottom. Because in doing so, you raise yourself as well.