heathervescent

Down

Limits pushed.
Hopes dashed.

Doing the right thing.
Only makes you a better person. (which makes everyone else worse.)

Making the world better.
Makes your experience of the world worse.

Because it falls short.
Of all expectations. 

It takes a lot of energy to create positive futures. It takes more energy to be positive than the negative. I'm lucky, I have a lot of energy available. I've cultivated it in myself. I know where to go to get it externally. But sometimes, all the energy in the world can't help me be positive. Like I've felt the past several weeks.

You see, there's this side to me. That few people see. That I don't let many people see. Because it is ugly and full of hate and anger. It is the part of me invoked when I'm fucked over again, when I'm stabbed in the back again, when I'm betrayed again, when my ideas are stolen again, when despite all the good I've done in the world, it's pain for the heathervescent again. 

I've been reading a lot of the Tao Te Ching lately. It's about the only thing that keeps me from slitting my wrists these days.

The Master has no mind of her own.
She works with the mind of the people.

She is good to people who are good.  
She is also good to people who aren't good.
This is true goodness.

She trusts people who are trustworthy.
She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy.
This is true trust.

This kind of sentiment crushes the Old Heathervescent. I mean, does it make you inspired to continue living with 99% of fucked up humanity? It does not inspire me. 

Yes, yes, I know, there is the good, the evolved, the beautiful in this world. Oh, believe me, I know about it. But sometimes, like now, all the beauty in the world doesn't matter.

Behind my positive futures is a raging hatred for the current reality. For the small-minded limited thinking of our race. I don't think we can evolve as a species fast enough. I, myself, can not wait to escape.

Shouting at the Childless

I was at my favorite bakery a few weeks ago. My European travels gave me a hankering for fresh croissants back at home and I knew just the place. I was up early - thanks again to the jetlag - so pup and I piled in the car - a quick stop before a Hollywood hike.

I knew exactly what I wanted. A latte and a croissant. Simple. My typical European breakfast. When I opened the bakery door, it was children chaos and cacophony. Overwhelmed mom in front of me with two misbehaving kids running around causing all havoc and hell. I waited patiently. I was in no hurry. Fully present, thankful I was not the mom of two misbehaving children. Asking the counter attendant question after question about which pastry had which filling. Unable to remember any answer. Frazzeled she was. I shifted slightly and a strange type of calm settled over me. (Or perhaps I settled into a strange type of calm amidst the storm.) I was amused watching the scene. Detached. Knowing soon I would be pulled into the clusterfuck. Despite mom's vacillation, another person came to take my order, and that's when I was sucked in. (O Calm Center of the Tornado can not hold for Long. A Ying/Yang / I <3 Huckabees red ball head bashing moment of sublimity.)

It was like in a dream; you are speaking, the words go through molasses before they reach the other person's ear, letters jumbled up in the hearing no matter how much enunciation. It was the interference of the childrens cacophony. They distracted all, but me. As I intended my order they twisted and misunderstood in the most sublime telephone game way. Through the cacophony, I remained calm - I take no pleasure in this momentary ability to remain in the eye of the storm - I work hard to sustain it when I am lucky enough to find it.

Childrens strollers were strewed throughout the aisle. When I got to the register, to my dismay, my order was incorrect! My amusement rose at the level of sheer fucked-up-ness occurring. Me to blame for the misunderstood order! Me to blame for no place to stand because of the cacophony of children and unaware parents. Me to blame because the food has to get out and I am in their way (not the two strollers or multitudes of running children and parents lost in their keeing up with the jones conversations). Losing it to the only adult waiting patiently consciously (and with judgement only after the fact) for their latte and croissant!  Register person screwing up the order one final time just for good measure!

O.M.F.G. It was like the Bermuda Triangle of Bakery experiences. I had to get out of there.

Sometimes that happens. The person with extra mental bandwidth becomes the target. Amusing it can be, just don't get sucked in.

A French Surrealist

I'm lurking in the back of the gilded theatre. Surrounded by drunk techno-wannabes and some truly innovative engineer-future-hacker-developers. I'm irritated at the 20 something asian chick playing the black guy and the indian guy off each other. The art on the screen reminds me a long lost "friend" - and the status of his projects - awareness smacking. It pulled me out of one of my existentialist crisis a decade ago. But not today. In that decade I've traveled down the caverns in Brazil into the sacred city of the Euboise, fought Innana and the Piper at the Gates of Dawn, lost my golden fleece and retreated to the city of Angeles to strategize archetype creation.

I hate crowds. Large groups of anonymous. Faces forward to the spotlight. I'm trying to enjoy myself, but failing. I feel like my time would have been better spent working on my forecasts at home. But then I remember I have friends here. It's just the stage takes the spotlight. I never liked art in museums. I preferred them in the grungy artists studios, painting stacked against the wall.

I like individuals. The people. You meet. That's why I'm here. To eat at a different table. To expose myself. To bullshytte like that coquettish asian chick. To remember the world is more than that I create in my mind. That the future is not up to me.

---

I'm turning over rocks. I'm rolling thought experiments on the backburner. I've recently had a break-though.The trend: the world is flat, the earth is the center of the solar system (universe). Those are concepts that were well believed - before science proved them incorrect. I've been looking for these incorrect current beliefs/understandings all my life. I love thinking about what we believe in today - the truth so hidden - but will be so obviously false and untrue in the unveiling. I found one of those the other day. It's revolutionary and radical and yet, I can look back and see the pathway glimmers. The outer edges of the concept. It has to do with view, perception, reality and the world. 

The understanding and concepts of energy will have dramatic breakthroughs and shifts.

---

I'm enjoying the cool air. The tobacco smells strange to me. I miss the smoke of cloves. The evening has passed. I'm speeded down the Hollywood freeway. And as angsty as I've been tonight I realize, I'm really happy with who I am. I am exactly what I want to be. And I wouldn't change places with anyone.

Energy Cornfield

I've been doing a lot of thinking about green energy and environmentalism. I hate to admit it, but when someone starts talking to me about green business, sustainability or green energy, my eyes glaze over and I stop considering them a serious individual (with a few very rare exceptions for a few of my extraordinary friends). The whole green energy/conservationism/savetheworldbandwagon makes me sick. It's hard for me to see it as something other than a bunch of white $$shame trying to save the world but only from their worldview/valueset.

I've felt very conflicted (and wrong and bad) about this attitude, wondering if I'm anti-conservation/green? Maybe it's just my contrarian tendencies. Is it about control? (I don't want anyone telling me how or where I should get my energy or how to use it, thank you very much.) But here's the thing - I actually think conservation and reducing energy use is the exact opposite direction that we as a human species should be going.

It hit me this week. Energy conservation and the development of solar and wind energies is akin to caloric restriction. Sure, it has been scientifically proven to help you live longer, but you certainly can't be a body builder on it. Nor can you express your human potential on it. (Unless that is living long enough for the Singularity - a noble cause in it's own, but one I care not to achieve.) Sure solar and wind will give us some energy, but they just help us put off dealing with peak oil. The amount of energy in oil is so highly concentrated and it is so easily chemically manipulated. We are not going to stop using oil and coal before we use them up no matter how much solar, wind and bio-fuel energies are available.

Based on my studying and my gut feelings, it is CRITICAL that we have excessive amounts of free/cheap energy to evolve to the next level. It is the difference between hunter/gatherer existence, and the Iowas cornfields I drove through this afternoon. With excessive amounts cheap energy many many things will become possible and be invented that can not possibly exist today.

It is the difference between an outdoor cooking fire and the electric plug in your wall that your electronic device "breathes" from.

I'm not saying we shouldn't develop wind, solar or vegetable based energy: we should, but I do not believe that these methods of energy capture/harnessing will be the difference between the metaphorical hunter/gatherer and cornfields of Iowa. Those energy models will merely maintain the existing paradigm. (And they will only prolong our dealing with peak oil. We're gonna use all the oil in this earth sooner or later.) Which is fine, but not something I am particular interested in. I'm focused on blowing past our current place in time/space/culture/history (not maintaining it) and creating the path to the future.

Analogies:

• Caloric Restriction is to Solar/Wind/Bio Energy as Best Life Possible is to Human evolution/paradigm shift
• Fire is to Hunter/Gatherer as Electricity is to Agriculture as Cheap usable Energy is to the next human paradigm shift (space? singularity?)
• Solar/wind energy is to aspirin as Energy is to broken arm

Ps. Lainie, Evoamo, Hippy Steve - forgive me for this post. I still love you all and your greening ways!

Friends

I remember when I had friends that didn't try to sell me anything. They didn't promote anything. They didn't make me buy tickets to their parties. I wasn't a target market. They didn't want to teach me anything. There weren't photos on the web. Everything wasn't marketed.

What happened to that time? What happened to my "friends"?

Weekend Recap

I felt like I didn't get a lot done this weekend. I hate feeling that way. But when I enumerate what actually happened, I apparently was very busy. Is it effortless living, an integrated life or lack of satisfaction? Or all three? I enjoy finishing things, but my real satisfaction is in planning them and then the moments of creation. Finishing leaves a hole, a gap, a vacuum.

• Awesome pow-wow helping crystallize where I want to go, and questions to ask myself to get there.
• I finished the unicorns.
• I thought a lot about Carmen and the pod.
• Puppets! and Uni!
• Unplanned midnight neighbor hang time. (Dog walking at midnight can improve neighborliness)
• Business meeting at Zuma Beach in Malibu, which included boogie boarding! (I have really missed swimming in the ocean.)
• Topped off with a visit to a magical Topanga hilltop compound. I'm still reeling from the reality of it. It was the location of dreams, but for real. I dared not take a photograph, but the memories are etched in my mind.

Today was a strange day. Too many things going on, started out with this 2 hour philosophical discussion about science and magic - both horrible words to describe what we were describing. Sometimes I just want to live with my worldview in peace - or blow my head off. But today, there is still work to be done and I continue to feel like I've accomplished nothing.

ps. save this post for the next LA Angst.