I'm coming up on 10 weeks post-op, and there is still pain. It is mild, but constant, growing through the day or with activity. My body fatigues, my mind, frustrated at the limit, refuses to find anything worthwhile to do.
This is an annoying place to be in. I'm still dealing with the pain and recovery, I've made progress, but I'm unable to do even as much as I could before surgery. My default is to be active and do things. I gave myself permission to do nothing and just recover, but this is harder than I expected.
Because I also feel like I'm revisiting what I want to do with my life. Conscious Life Design. Create the who, I want to be. And that changes. That's the thing with living your dream life. There is an initial striving and the work to "get it" and then there is the living practice and changes that happen once you "have it."
I think so many people are starting from a place of not being happy with their life, that this initial journey to "find themselves" or "figure out what they want to do" or "achieve some dream" is a very straightforward (although often difficult) task. My book, How to Get Your Heart's Desire is a process I discovered for this. But I've gotten caught up a few times with, what to do after you have achieved what you want. Do you want to just keep achieving things - growth mindset - that is not necessarily sustainable. Is there a gratitude practice where you acknowledge and appreciate everything you have done? But you're not dead yet, so what is there to do?
For me, this is where I have become open to things I previously would not have considered. Like working for other people, when I got tired of entrepreneurship. In all things in life, it's about the people you are around. In a workplace, you don't necessarily have as much control over that. It's where you have to deal with the coin-operated self serving sales person. Or the on the rise career tech person who still believes in the promise of corporate ladder climbing. There's more insulation from those kinds of people when you have a entrepreneurial relationship and of course, the power balance is different.
In other news, the Oriels are back in the desert. Their yellow bodies and black heads flit around the palo verde trees, and they hang off the hummingbird feeders. We've also got a desert woodpecker sipping the sweet nectar along with our pack of hummingbirds. It's nice to have some warmer weather in the Mojave. Spring comes early here.
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