I am writing to you from my bed, back completely flat, as I recover from my second knee replacement this year. Too bad I was not blogging when I recovered from #1, earlier this year. I had so many interesting physical sensations. A few years ago, I discovered I am highly sensitive. It was no surprise, people have been telling me I was too sensitive my entire life. (And my reply that people are too selfish and barbaric.) This lead to a time in my life of untraining my sensitivity, and training myself to be ruthlessly selfish and think only about myself.
Anyway, I digress, but I can do that on my blog. Let's get back to the nerve sensations in my knee. Pain is such an interesting thing. For me, I always thought of pain as this torn muscle pain, or cut finger bleeding pain. Or stub your toe or crush your finger pain. But then there is nerve pain. I've always struggled categorizing nerve pain as pain. It's not nothing, but it not like stubbing your toe, hot and red and a flash. Nerve pain is a sensation, and for someone who is highly sensitivity, too much sensation can be overwhelming, but it's not necessarily pain.
I had all these great names for the nerve pain last time, let's see if I can remember them. There was the lightening bolt flashes, like electricity scattering across the sky, a metaphor for my knee/leg area. There was this rolling, dull pain, that I compared to the rollingness of a rolling style earthquake. That rollingness like nausea, with the pain just present, maybe increasing in intensity, but a dull, soft cottony rolling pain.
Let's see, right now, I have a deep pain in my right leg coming from a particularily tight part of my side knee area. There are subtle soft sharp threads now and then. Yesterday there was this deep hot spicy pain, coming deep inside my knee. Almost like I couldn't feel it, or I felt it far away behind a red curtain, but yet, that hot spicy deeply red pain was there. (That's when I was doing PT!)
Earlier today I forgot for a split second I had had knee surgery and my body/legs tried to grab my pillow together and bring it up to myself, only to whack myself awake with a sharpe hot green-gray pain that reminded me that, yes, less than a week ago you had that leg opened up, hacked a bit off and jammed in some augmented pieces.
Yup, this leg's recovery is easier than the previous one, but that doesn't make it easy by any means.
You know what else is not easy. Trust. I keep seeing posts from my identity colleagues lamenting the loss of trust. And that's why they do all these identity solutions that are trust less. I think they are all on the wrong path. And I want to write some things around this, so I'm collecting my thoughts, but first off, trust can not be solved by technology. Lack of trust (and believe me, I have lot of trust issues) has to do with people. There are things you can do to regain that trust, but also, there's a blog post on here from the Heather/Gloria days, a walk with Moki on Mt Washington, that talks about trust is a choice.
You chose to trust someone. They stab you in the back and you get hurt, and you get angry. You don't trust those people or the system that created them. It's like this piece I've wanted to write for years, how the private sector has a lot to learn from government. Fucking selfish private sector.
I've got so many ideas to write, but who cares? The nihilistic and pointless point of view. Then let's bring in the contradictory view, The Chicken John quote, about living in the world you want to live in. What is the world I want to live in? And what can I do now to create a delusion of that reality now?
Comments