I want the world to know what happened. Not that it would care. I want their reputations tarnished. I want people to know what kind of small minded, egotistical people they are. Their fake concern for the benefit of a larger group, when it was about their own bruised egos, their lack of experience. And to not let those people hold roles in well known companies, or leadership roles, or board positions or even x-board positions.
You see, I was stabbed in the back. Betrayed. It wasn't the first time. And it won't take me 10 years to get over it this time.
For some reason, I was thinking of a European colleague who confused me when ignoring the fresh California artichokes, that I knew were her favorite, that I had just brought across the Atlantic for her. I didn't recognize her hate then. Her older sidekick, who couldn't be fired due to European law, so they parked her in this division I had just joined, when she point blank said to my face, "I didn't set out to sabotage you." 10 years later I recognize their jealousy, masked as hate. Things were stacked against me from the start, even more when I was taken to meet the CEO. No one else had been asked to meet him. It's not like I asked to meet him, either. I was being shown off. I would have preferred to be at Burning Man like I had planned to be, but I wanted to make an impact and I thought I might have a better chance if the CEO knew my name and face. It ended up not mattering. I should have declined and gone to Burning Man.
I know life isn't fair. But damn, do I wish the world knew what these people are really like. That they can't be trusted to do anything that won't benefit themselves. And they do not have the capacity to think outside their own self centered desires. And why do these self centered people, rise to such levels of leadership and power? I know, I know - capitalism. Luck being misinterpreted as having skills. As much as I love the power of capitalism, too much of it destroys the world. Because Adam Smith was wrong with his aspirational invisible hand.
(My bodhichitta course, hits me over and over the head from this perspective. The self cherishing, self centered, person, who is unable to think about others, consider others, or even see that they are connected and exist due to others. I am so over it. I was so over it years ago when I moved to my Mojave lair. But when I came back out into the world, it is it's exact same shitty self - worse in some ways.)
Recently, someone said to me, to IDK, guide me in understanding my latest back stabbing, that I had to expect that all my actions would be interpreted as self-serving, egotistical. This really disturbs me. Because it's not the way I work, or my motivation - at least not these past 10-15 years. I would rather not live than not live authentically. When you are willing to put your life in the line in that way, the world shifts. The motivation of everyday people falls away.
I am reminded of a strange question in a board call, asking how something I wanted to do impacted my bonus. I was so taken aback. It impacted my bonus 0%. In fact, by focusing on it, I took effort/time away from actions I would need to do to achieve my bonus. I should have realized then, that was the way that person saw the world. And she was incredulous that my actions had 0% - until others chimed in and we showed her evidence. What a poor pitiful person to be limited to such a small worldview. But I was focused on improving our bottom line, and solving problems I had inherited.
Yet, I resent being crammed into such a limited and incorrect world view.
But what can I do? Something like 99% of humanity has this worldview, so maybe my friend was correct in advising me to make these undeveloped, immature assumptions, assumptions. Does that mean I now have to think through how every action or word will be interpreted through these selfish colored glasses? Assuming that I will be judged incorrectly? Should I change to adapt to the incorrect judgement?
But that would be a step back. A shrinking of who I am. Of all the work I have done to become the person I am today. A key thing I learned from Cacophony, was to do what you wanted to do, create the world you wanted to experience, because that is the world you wanted to live in. Not because it would be successful. Not because anyone else wants to live in that world. Not because it is the world the last board I worked for wanted to live in. (No, they live in the world of corporate handcuffs, lacking real world leadership and whole lotta imposter syndrome, not to mention a lack of experience - which results in not knowing how to solve their problems and not listening/empowering anyone to solve them either.) Oh well, whatever, they will probably fail up, like those people always do.
I look for soothing in my systems thinking books and spiral dynamics tiers. It was my exposure to these concepts that facilitated my transcendence to Tier 2 thinking. Tier 2 being the second tier of spiral dynamics, of which systems thinking, integral thinking, tolerance and acceptance become the baseline for operating. I remember the feeling of coming home I had when I learned about these concepts. There were words, explanations of things that were so inherent, core to me, that I had never been able to express -- and everyone looked at me funny when I would try. According various numbers (which I think would be hard to actually calculate) there is like 1% of the population in Tier 2. I consider myself as being in that tier for at least some of the time.
So what's a Tier 2 leader like me, doing in Tier 1 organizations? Being fucking frustrated, I'll tell you.
Can a tier 2 leader even be successful with tier 1 bosses? (It's a struggle. And at some point, some Tier 1 leader with power will ax it.)
As I figure out what I want to do next, I wonder, what is even possible. I want to lead people out of Tier 1 thinking and into Tier 2 leadership. Ideally, practically applied. Maybe I just need to invoke Vaclav Havel again and dream of impossibilities.
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