Back in August, as I was preparing for my last trip to Europe, I had a premonition. I was driving around in my car, my beloved manual saab turbo and a weird thought popped into my head. I was going to get a new car. I thought, WTH, I don't need a new car. And besides I love this car. And then everywhere I looked, I saw my the same model my mom drives. And I felt, mom's going soon. I pushed the knowledge away.
As I was packing for the trip and talking with mom about it, I felt the knowledge again. That mom was going soon. Again, I pushed the knowledge away, after I briefly acknowledged it.
I didn't question it. I didn't deny it. I didn't tell anyone about it. I was dealing with enough shit in my life at the moment. Finishing up a film project I was proud of. Working through a crappy business situation, a disintegrating/bumpy romantic relationship all while keeping up a crazy travel schedule. I wanted to focus on the trip, finishing my commitments and exploring future possibilities.
Through all this, my emotional volatility increased. I chalked that up to my triple threat stress level. I couldn't stand my life. I almost ended it several times. I'd be fine one moment and the next, I'd flip out. While I am an intensely passionate individual, these emotional swings were exponential from any I previously experienced. Pretty much exactly what I am experiencing now that mom is gone.
About this time, I kept remembering this old boyfriend of mine. The last two weeks we were together, he was grieving for the loss of our relationship. I asked him about his behavior once, wondering why he was being like this now, before we broke up. (It was imminent that we were breaking up.) And he replied he was getting over it now, while we were still together, so he'd be done when we actually break up. Why did I keep remembering this?
There's this theory, called Retro-causality. Where the effects of an action are observed before the action occurs. Back in 2008, I attended a panel on the timing of conscious experience. This was the first time I heard about retrocausality and it was fascinating. And familiar.
I've often had an uncanny ability to know just slightly what is coming next. My timing varies, sometimes it's seconds, other times months and more often than not - years. And despite my conscious attention to understand if these were just good guesses or what, I have no conclusion. However, I to support the hypothesis of retrocausality - always wondering how one might create an experiment to test it. Even myself individually.
Despite being unconvinced of its existence from the scientific community, and myself at times; the only way I can explain my explosive emotional roller coaster the past few months, is with retro-causative grieving.
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