I'm second guessing myself again. I'm trying to come up with all kinds of reasons to debase my feelings of negativity about the growing focus on "causes" and "saving the world" and "doing good" and being sustainable and green and blah blah blah hippy bullshit.
I've blamed my contrarian nature. I blame negative associations with supposed save the worlders. I blame myself getting old and curmudgeon and turning into someone that I would despise. I blame my inner troll. Really, I'm just trying to understand why all these so-call supposed good and green things make me want to go out and start dumping oil into the fucking ocean or exploding nuclear waste in flames or something equally stupidly retard and self-destructive in response to all the green save the world energy.
Tonight, as the boyf and I were cooking dinner, I asked him if I was really some shallow red-neck uneducated person who doesn't give a shit about the earth, the world? And he shot right back at me without a seconds breath - it was the self-righteousness. He of course hit the nail on the head. There is this holier than thou, this, I am doing such good to/with/for the world - and you should too - or if you're not I am a better person. It really turns me off.
This self-righteousness is used as marketing, as a ploy to go "green". It's another way to stupidly compare/value yourself to someone else - and shore up that perceived lack with our easy green products! Lucky for us Americans, we can buy our way into not feeling bad that we live in the nation that uses the most resources. Yay!
This week I have been doing a lot of thinking about values - mine and the worlds. These two filmmakers /save the world types grabbed me in the TJs parking lot yesterday. I don't usually bother talking to anyone with a clipboard, but last night I was feeling ... I don't know... more open than usual. So I chatted with them. They were doing a "noble" job of getting people to sponsor children's clean water or education. I started grilling them on why they were doing this gig since both of them were in the film biz. They responded that it was a way to spend a day they weren't doing anything else doing, make a few bucks and feel good about helping these kids. I questioned them, couldn't they do better, more effective work applying their craft to this mission? But that did not fly. (I still think they needed the cash and yes it did make them feel good, but I bet they wouldn't do what they were doing for free!)
I admit, I baited them with some radical thoughts (why not let these children die? The world is too overpopulated as it is? Isn't it better for these kids to die young and allow a sibling a better chance of survival? I admit, it's a harsh line, and not one that I necessarily believe in. But I tried the idea on for a moment to see what it was like (and hear there responses).
Walking home, I thought about our conversation, and what I really believed. I know from my recent grad school studies that it's the underdeveloped nations that have the worst time of it - overpopulation, disease, lack of education. And to decrease world population you have to improve conditions through health and education before you see birth rate go down. And even then, I question whether with education and health improvements, population really does go down?
But back to values. I realized that I operate under a different value set from the one those guys were operating under. I didn't want to save every life possible. I mean, I used too, but that was too stressful and didn't matter that much in the long run.
I thought about my plants, and how sad I get when one plant is not doing as well as another. When my tomatoes last summer got infested with aphids it pained me to throw them out after I tried for weeks and weeks with natural and finally chemical pest treatments. My aunt remarked upon this, you have to always plant some for the insects. Now I'm not necessarily comparing these children to my plants, but why do I have more empathy to these growing/non-human things and not children. (Well, I do think children are alien energy suckers, but that's a different story.)
It was my values of saving every pedaco of life in my tomato plants that gave me stress. I was stressed out that I wasn't a good plant mom. That I did something wrong to attract the aphids. That I should have caught them earlier. That I felt bad they were suffering by having their energy literally sucked out their stems. If I had not tried to save the one plant that was infested first then all my others would not have ended up in the trash. (Well, not as fast at least.)
And is that so bad? I mean, a tomato plant is going to die eventually either from aphids or something else. Who am I to interfere with the world flow? Am I some God that thinks I can bestow immortality on my tomato plants or at least a longer growing cycle via Miracle Grow?
I don't _want_ to save the world. In fact, I don't believe the world needs saving. It's humans that need saving. (Oh Jesus, you were right!) The world will to continue to exist, whether or not us humans continue to exist. And some day, us humans will cease to exist - completely. Everything that exists now will no longer exist. All so-called artifacts or buildings or anything that is created by any of us will cease being in the form it is in. (I sometimes wonder what kind of oil our refuse will create.) Humans are some pretty fucked up animals. But then again, we're pretty amazing too.
Which is why I believe that to truly "change the world" you have to (and I quote Michael Jackson) start with the man in the mirror. Clean up your shit at home. God only knowns that's what us Americans need to do right now. Stop saving the world - and start saving yourself. But if you don't want to do that, that's fine with me too.
Personally, I'm rooting for the world. I don't think us humans can do it, although I'm trying my best. When it means the end of humanity as we know it, well then, it's been nice knowing you and living in the best of all possible worlds. I'll see you on the flipside of eternity either way.
