heathervescent

Baking Stats for the week of April 27, 2009 (so far)

2: Number of Pies Made
1: Number of Pies with Coconut
2: Number of Pies with Mango
1: Number of Pies made with Fresh Mango
2: Number of batches of Rice Crispie Treats (with dark chocolate) made
2: Bags of Marshmellows used
1: Jar of Marshmellow fluff used
5: Number of dishwasher runs this week (so far)
4: Number of individual serving pudding cups made
3: Number of pie slices eaten (so far)
1: Number of times dinner has consisted only of pie (so far)
3: Number of people consumed pie with
0: Number of slices of pie the dog has eaten
2: Number of snakes
0.5: Number of recipes used
5: Times Joy of Cooking reviewed
30: degrees of heat the oven is off
3: Number of Rice Chrispie Treats I have eaten today
45: Number of Rice Chrispie Treats sent to work with the boyf

The Challenge of Freedom

Most of the struggle around freedom is to attain it. This struggle is the easiest part. The hard part is what you do with/in your freedom. Imagine being able to do anything. What would you do? Most people are not prepared to handle this question. Even those who were told about the connendrum before. It is a strange position indeed. And one I am returning too. The question I ask myself is what is worthy of my energy. What direction do I want to take. I'm looking at some new radical directions. The fear creeps in. I'm new to those potential industries - I don't have the years of professional/academic experience/pedigree. The motivation drops. Failure before I have even begun. But what else would I do, since I can do anything. That's the challenge of true freedom.

Crossing the Bar

CIMG1484
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

Yesterday, my family had a very small funeral for my grandfather. His last wishes were to be scattered in the Ocean. He lived in Dana Point for as long as I can remember and always raced a sailboat. He was an engineer at Ford and had a huge temper.

I am created by the clay of the past. The DNA and characteristics were passed onto me by nature and nurture. Out of this raw material I created myself. Clarified myself. It's always good to know where the materials came from, as you shape them in you.

I wasn't close to my grandfather, but in his death, I feel much closer. I don't regret that we didn't spend time together while he was alive - that is not the point. The point is moving forward, onward, and paying due respect and gratitude to that which contributed to create me.

It was a grey overcast morning, but the sea was calm. I wore white. My mom and I had brought many vibrant flowers. We embarked from the harbor. The boat was lovely and we were mostly in high spirits. A few words. The flowers thrown. A last drink before the basket was passed and ashes blossomed.

Crossing the Bar by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Sunset and evening star,
         And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
         When I put out to sea,

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
         Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
         Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell,
         And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
         When I embark;

For through from out our bourne of Time and Place
         The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
         When I have crossed the bar.

The music swelled, the flowers laid out behind us. A few tears shed, good stories. We cracked the champagne and passed it around and toasted the sea and the sky. It was one of those movie moments. An utterly perfect California funeral. Epic. That's what I will remember when I think of Norm.

Bon Voyage Grandfather.

death - a family celebration

there hasnt been a signifigant amount of death in my family - but the death there has been - has been a celebration of their life. when my grandmother died several years ago she requested we throw a party with champagne and tiramisu. that there should be no mourning or sadness. a celebration of her life - which was a very full one. so why am i not surprised that we are doing it again - this time with my grandfather. gpa norm was a sailboat racer, so it is fitting that tomorrow a small group of us are going out to sea on a chartered boat to set norm free in a place he loved so - the ocean. we have brought along flowers and i made sure to bring along a big quantity of vodka to help him on his journey. i very much believe in giving the newly departed what they love. i cant wait until tomorrow. its going to be a blast!

A Heavy Week

I'm juggling Jury Duty this week along with the job/what to do next search, the 3 year anniversary of the Geek Dinner and my Mom's upcoming visit to OC to scatter my grandfather's (her Dad's) ashes.

Last night I went to a sweat lodge. It was my first time. I had always wanted to experience a sweat lodge and I arrived last night with a bunch of heavy stuff. I went to pray for my grandfather, for my mother and for myself. Although I wasn't close to my grandfather, I just really feel the need to send him off good on his next journey. Although I won't get anything from his estate (nor do I want anything) I have asked him for something much more important to me - his metaphorical slide rule.

Before the lodge began, I spoke to Wolf, the leader, and told him about my mothers cancer. I wasn't going asking for a miracle - just her hope, faith and comfort. After he heard my story - he gave me permission and encouraged me to ask for the miracle. He explained that this world - and each and every one of us - was created by the creator - the great grandfather - with a prayer. This was exactly what we were going to do tonight. Anything was possible with prayer.

In the hot darkness, the rocks glowed. I heard the steam sizzling, I smelled cedar. I heard the prayers. So many with cancer. So much pain. So much gratitude. Was it my sweat or were those my tears? The cool air swirled around my body like an old friend. I felt the spirits circle around me and the pressure of their hands on my back - looking deep deep inside me. I surrendered to the heat. The drums, the songs took my energy, my prayers deep out of this world.

I remain here.

I would drive 1000 miles

Heather ...
Originally uploaded by k-dj

to get to Austin in one day. And I did. This is me telling the Fray Cafe the story. Next year, I hope to be showing the movie.

The Nobel Prize

Do you know how the Nobel prize started? It was the dream of a dead man.

"The whole of my remaining realizable estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind. The said interest shall be divided into five equal parts, which shall be apportioned as follows: one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery or invention within the field of physics; one part to the person who shall have made the most important chemical discovery or improvement; one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery within the domain of physiology or medicine; one part to the person who shall have produced in the field of literature the most outstanding work in an ideal direction; and one part to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses. The prizes for physics and chemistry shall be awarded by the Swedish Academy of Sciences; that for physiology or medical works by the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm; that for literature by the Academy in Stockholm, and that for champions of peace by a committee of five persons to be elected by the Norwegian Storting. It is my express wish that in awarding the prizes no consideration be given to the nationality of the candidates, but that the most worthy shall receive the prize, whether he be Scandinavian or not."
 - From here.

Remember to Live

This is a great video to watch again - and remember.

Goodbye Grandfather

Death has been hitting me with the left punches recently, so I wasn't entirely surprised to get the phone call from my mom earlier today telling me grandfather passed away. Not the grandfather I just visited in Iowa. Here's the "funny" part.

As I was driving out to my Aunt's house in Riverside Saturday morning I thought of Grandpa Norm (who lived out in Palm Springs). I was not close to him and had not been close for some time. In the car, while driving on the 60, I heard his voice. I saw him in the hospital room. I saw things about his life I had never seen before. I understood his pain. His life challenges and why he drowned himself in alcohol in his later years. Silent tears ran down my cheeks as I forgave him and told him he could go. That I held no more grudges and I wished him peace.

It was 10:26am and I noted the time, because I knew his passing would be soon if it had not already happened.

Updated: The American Dream is not Greed

Americans have gotten greedy.

We used to be a bunch of hard working, honest, big dreaming individuals. There were a few snake oil salesmen, a few manipulators, but the majority of people came to this country to escape preconceptions and make something for themselves. To work hard. To make a better life.

What happened? I've recently felt like the default American (at least here in LA) is going after a get rich quick scheme - and will fuck and screw and step on anyone who can help them or gets in their way. Used. Manipulated.

What can you sell? What can you do for me? How can we conspire to get people to buy into our hobbled together whatever so we can blow it up big and sell it to some huge company we can fleece for millions? Inflated value.

Look at this example. When I was in Iowa, my dad gave me a book to read. It was about Chief Blackhawk of the Sauk Indians. Blackhawk dictated his story to explain why he made war on the new settlers. The short story is the Americans stole his village from him so he fought to keep it.

American agents in St Louis said that some people from his tribe had signed a treaty giving their tribal lands east of the Mississippi in the area known as Illinois to the US, when there was no authority for this land to be sold. The Americans maintained this had been agreed and never allowed renegotiation with the Chief and leaders of the Sauk. There lots more backstabbing and badness and general miscommunication in the story. But the Native indians were trying to live. They weren't doing anything wrong. The local agent (who was supposedly friendly with the indians) bought all the land in the village and sold it off to new settlers, who encountered resistance when the local indians were told to leave their land.

The thing I took away in this account was how manipulative the Americans were. They really stole the land from the Native people. Americans were not the first white people to interact with native people. The French and British both traded and had good relations. I understood why the British asked the native indians to help them defeat the colonists. I think what would have been different if Napoleon had not sold the Louisiana Purchase. (Sold because N needed some cold hard cash because of his unsuccessful Russian campaign.)

So, where does Greed come from? And how did we get so greedy?

A few greedy assholes ruin it for everyone. Mostly because others see what greedy people are doing and want a piece of it. That's why/how the SoCal Real Estate bubble got so big. That's how come many stupid internet ideas get millions of dollars. Hell, that's the whole reason VCs exist - it's not to fund, support and launch the most cutting edge innovative what will make humans happy and improve our world. It's greed that keeps mashups illegal. It's greed that Brazil fought when it broke laws to produce overpriced patented HIV medicine. 

What does it take for people to do the right thing? (self-awareness and personal evolution) And if I'm surrounded by people who are not doing the right thing, how long will I hold out? (or get de-motivate, depressed and go into hermit hiding.) how long until it all goes to shit? (or we move the cards around on the table.) And what a long hard path to humility and setting things right.

Do we have the balls to even do that anymore - or have we found ourselves in a cage - pets in the American hegemony?

Update: I just watched Dan Ariely's TED talk and he does a great job explaining exactly why my complaint occurs.

Preparing for Death

I traveled to Iowa to visit my grandparents who are in their late 80s and starting to have a few problems. I wanted to spend time with them as you never know what might happen or when they might go. I wanted to see them while I still could. But the universe gave me a punch out of left field.

In a cafe in Austin, my mom told me she had been diagnosed with a rare very deadly form of cancer: primary peritoneal cancer. Everyone who has been diagnosed with it has died from it. Average lifespan after diagnosis is 2 years - maybe 5, 10 at the max.

The heaviness of this has been sinking in the past couple days. All this mental preparation to say goodbye to my grandparents, to see them, tell them things, hear things from them, spend time with them, my possible last goodbye - I am re-adjusting to my mom. The good thing, is that I feel very good about my relationship with her. There is nothing unsaid, nothing I am concerned about. But damn, I thought there would be more time.

I have seen death, so I'm not afraid - for myself or her or anyone.

But thinking about the end, is making me think about certain things differently. I often consider my own death, and what I want to be doing when it visits its final kiss. If I died today, sure there are a lot of things I will miss out on doing, being and accomplishing - but I've had a good life, I've done everything I've wanted to up to now. But moving beyond today - priorities shift.

The Open Road

The Open Road
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

En route to Goblin Valley, Utah. Sky, Mesas, Blacktop. See you on the other side of the vanishing point.

Wet Road - Dixie National Forest Utah

Wet Road - Dixie National Forest Utah
Originally uploaded by heathervescent

My favorite type of road - one that is empty. :)

Roadtrip Stats

• 3 weeks
• 5277.5 miles
• 12 states: CA, AZ, NM, TX, OK, KS, MS, IA, NB, CO, UT, NV, CA
• 1 lost wallet
• 2 car casualties (fog light chip and lost my rear wheelwell plastic protector in CO snow)
• Countless national and state parks, monuments and forests
• Reconnecting with old friends, making new friends
• My faith in humanity regained