Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I keep seeing all these articles and tweets (and I even got a great txt) giving thanks to people and things.
That's a guilty reminder that I should probably do the same. Or at least think about it. But giving thanks and gratitude are things I am personally very bad at. (Forgiveness is the other thing.) Now, Mom, you don't need to go commenting on this post about how I can do these things. I know. I just feel no motivation. No reason.
I wonder if that is because I am a selfish person and think only about myself. On the surface, someone who only shallowly knows me, that is how I might come across. But my ego is my facade, and underneath it, I care deeply. Many of my actions and motivations are for the larger common good. I thought nothing about myself and focused on the bigger picture. But I found myself often left behind, forgotten, steamrollered or stolen from. Not just once. Many times. And each time the silver lining was my learning. More fuel for my fortitude.
It's hard for me to trust humanity with those experiences.
I can be thankful for the lessons, for my own fortitude, for my determination, for who I have become. But there are only three people I think of on a regular basis - who I could thank. And I haven't spoken to any of them in years.
I feel bad about this. I feel like I should have a long laundry list of people to thank. I worry if I did this, I would leave someone out. But this feels false. And I feel shallow and unevolved not having these feelings of gratitude. But I can not be inauthentic.
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