heathervescent

First and fear

The first time always has an edge. It's a walk into the unknown. The fear is different.

Dark passageways reminded me of lava tubes near Mt St Helens. Pitch black, the machinery reminds me of Aliens, movie scenes, James Bond, exploration. Black dust everywhere. Strange sounds. Skuttling. Hands are covered in a fine film of black. Machinery becomes seen with a flash. Huge gears the size of my hand. Standing silent. Walking up 4 flights of stairs only to come out ground level. Wind blows through plastic strips. Big gaping mouth. It speaks to me. Tells me of eternity moments. Activity and movement. Only now Entropy. But it remembers. I remember too.

Fear kicks in. I've been keeping it at bay. I've been breathing calmly. Stepping lightly. Vacillating between calm and chaos. I kind of enjoy feeling the fear. It's real fear - primal uncontrollable - just on the edge of freakout. I ride the edge with my breath, centering and flit off the edge. Indulge in the fear. Roll it around my spinal cord. Feeling it in my gut.

Then it's time to move. The way down is 6 stories up on an amazing edifice. I'm in awe at the engineer who built this place. What an edifice. What a legacy. What a feat. A Physical Manifestation. For a time.

I'm glad I could see it, admire it. I'm glad I felt the fear.

Rocks

Usually this time of year the blog is set up on auto-post while I'm off at Burning Man. This year, though, I've taken the year off. That's not keeping me away from the desert though.

I had a lot of desert adventures under my belt before I went to Burning Man. The playa is a blank canvas and the people out there are the mixed media paint. The expression of transient creativity is beautiful. But the desert is not just a backdrop - a canvas. The silence is not a vacuum to be filled up.

I've been researching mines and off-road adventures; airwater evap systems, solar kits and well pumps. I'm dreaming of solitude. The heat rising off the floor, the coyotes at night, quail at dusk. Dust trails rising from my track deep in the rocks.

"Here is no water but only rock
Rock and no water and the sandy road"
- t.s. eliot

This is my ocean. The silence and heat feeds me. Challenges me. Delights me. I swim in the wind. I sweat in the heat. Out there I am nobody, unfettered by definitions or personal branding.

Enlightenment

I've been recently wondering if I'm enlightened. I mean, of course if you think you are - you can't be. And even if you are - you're not all the time. It's not like it's a state that can be attained and held onto. It's fleeting moments that grow longer in time as one becomes more enlightened. And there are always more perspectives, and wider understandings and unraveling of opposites along with the solidifying of specifics.

So am I enlightened? Well yeah - doh. Will I become more enlightened? again - yeah - doh. And will I become my stupid self - yes again! Hooray for being human!

Dancing with Death

This song gives me the chills. I love it. Today I visit the obsession of a younger Heather. I have almost all songs and lyrics of Robyn Hitchcock before 1996 burned into my brain. Enjoy. I am.

Lady Waters and the Hooded One
by Robyn Hitchcock

"Will you dance with me, Lady Waters?"
And a bony hand plucked her gown
"Will you dance with me," said the Hooded One
"For the plague has now reached this town."

"No, I'll never dance," says Lady Waters
"For I see that your name is Death."
And beneath her mask she was sweating
At the Hooded One's fetid breath

"Will you dance with me, Lady Waters?
For the fire dies in your grate
And your guests have gone and your lord's asleep
And the plague has reached your estate."

"Then I'll dance with you," says Lady Waters
"For the stars grow pale in the dawn
But I first must get my tiara
For I left it out on the lawn."

"Oh and if you get your tiara,"
And his eyes like coals, they did burn
"You must give me all, and must taste my breath
On the moment that you return."

"Very well," she said from behind her mask
"You must take from me what is mine:
I'll return to you and submit to you."
And the Hooded One, he said "Fine."

She came back to him and took off her mask
And the Hooded One, he recoiled
What he thought was sweat on her face and hands
It turned out to be tiny boils

"You must take from me all I have," she said
"You must take it all with good grace:
For I have the plague on my body
And I have the plague on my face."

Oh the Hooded One took her house and lands
He took every fork, every knife
And he took the plague and he left her there
Without anything but her life

Aug 11, 2008

this is the photo of the bathroom of my fav pizza place in the valley

Indian View

When ships first came to the new world, I was told a story where the local indians couldn't see the ships on the horizon. They didn't have the context or worldview to actually "see" the ships.

The indians were on their own in the "new world". While Europe had risen and burned and conquered and been conquered, tribes in the Americas grew and developed with no contact.

What if we (the people on this earth) are like the Indians? Developing in a vacuum - alone in our immediate neighborhood. Unable to see the "discoverers" from another land because our worldview does not permit the recognition of a different pinta, nina and santa maria?

What shock it would be when the ships docked in the harbor?

Morning Paradox

So just for kicks this morning over coffee I ran through the 9 timelines of Primer. It's a great movie and a fascinating read.

Rant

Why do people feel the need to block my driveway on a regular basis? Why do I feel like I enter a battle every time I drive? Why do I get cut off multiple times on my commute? Me, looking for openings to cut someone off occasionally? Rat-race-rat-race-rat-race.

Where has common courtesy gone? What about good manners? Consideration?

I'm tired. I'm tired of all the people. I hate leaving my house. I hate having to interact. Disappointment. People not holding up their side of the contract. Lack of Integrity.

Recently, I've had the thought enter my mind - is it time to leave LA? LA - the place I loved with a passion a few years ago? The place I came into a full expression of my being. I don't know. Maybe. I am tired with the lack of common manners, with minimal consideration (we're talking letting the person who was in front of you go first instead of cutting them off whether on the road or going into the post office) with no awareness beyond one's self and electronic devices.

The evils of "I".

I am done with it.

short stuffs

A list of my life of recently.

• Start-up stories. Working in a new start-up, I'm reminded of stories from my past. I may get inspired to blog about these stories and thus open a small window into the mind of the professional heather.
• Pool party / Slide
• Bootie LA // Bootie Das Bunker = new performance ideas in the mix
• I'm reading a fabulous new book called Predictable Irrationality. I can say that I've pretty much been training myself to NOT do these things since I became aware I was not in control of my life, nor did free will exist. (It exists a bit more for me now, but still tight.)
• Movements, exercises, documentations
• Time for reinvention. Time for crystallization.
• And baking cookies.
• And trips to the midwest.
• The less time to do the things I want to do = doing more of the things I really want to do.
• Oh - and more GTD videos in the works.

Coffee or peaches?