heathervescent

Rumble, Gurgle

So there was an earthquake today. Just before noon. I'm sitting in the high tower (literally - the 4th floor turret of a 3 story building) and the floor starts shaking like a truck has hit the building or a huge washing machines is bumping around and I look over at Gaurav (my officemate) and say - "It's an earthquake."

I immediately look up at our beamed ceiling. Wondering if I should move. As I watched (and felt) the building shake, I waited. I waited to see how bad it would get. It subsided and then started up again, stronger than before. I kept seated. I tweeted the earthquake and I waited to see what would happen. Calm and open and receptive in the moment.

It finally finished. The electricity was still on. I was still calm. it was only after a minute or two that my heart started beating. I was not panicked. I was amped up. I had lived through my first big LA quake. Sure, I felt that 3 or 4 pointer back in El Cerrito when I lived in Berkeley. Sure I felt the little 3 pointer earlier this year while I was working in my home office. And yeah, maybe this was not the big one - but I was in an office and the building was moving, and everything was fine. I didn't mind the rumbling - I only watched in anticipation with how strong it was and was the building going to break. Was I in danger. I was not.

I enjoyed the ride. Just like those turbulent flights. Just like landing in the lightening storm in STL back back in the day. Nature, you gotta love her. You gotta respect her and you gotta go with the flow. She's boss.

sorry

I love this. Although this is old to many - it delights me. Perhaps it will delight you too.

On Desperation

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change / dramatic acts. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
- William Burroughs

Land of Confusion

I was reminded of this video yesterday when a friend sent me a puppet link. I loved this video when it came out (I was in HS). I really dig the old Genesis, even with the Phil Collins. Really, you only need to replace a few heads for this video to be applicable today.

The Success Mind

This is a great article about visualization. Goes right in line with some of my current thoughts. (Not so sekret tip to a blogreader - try regarding your current deadline. I dare you to see yourself talking, writing, interviewing and getting it done just under the wire - as perfectly as it can be.)  For everyone else (and my own blog history) here's some good reminders:

Imagine success. Enjoy the sensation. Fill in details, either in your mind or in writing.

Work backwards from that image to where you are now: create a roadmap. Identify the goals required at each stage and write them down.

Anticipated problems are opportunities in disguise: they are alerting you to a need for information, skills, or resources. Identify what you need and incorporate obtaining it into your roadmap.

Do not be derailed by negativity. Everyone has moments where they feel they cannot possibly succeed. Bruce Lee liked to imagine writing down negative thoughts on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, and throwing it away.

Manage stress. Allowing stress to get out of hand limits creativity, imagination, persistence, and energy. It doesn’t matter whether you meditate, exercise, listen to music, cook, or engage in some other relaxing activity: give yourself a break and a chance to think about something other than the problem at hand.

Get enough sleep. This may seem obvious, but I have found that the biggest “duhs” come from the people struggling to stay awake. Lack of sleep will very quickly interfere with creativity, judgment, and motivation.

Celebrate successes. Periodically review your progress and see how far you’ve come. We are motivated more by seeing how much we’ve accomplished than by how much we haven’t. Seeing progress increases optimism and motivation. Dwelling only on how far we’ve fallen short does just the opposite.

The Success Mind is not the province of a few top people. It can be developed by anyone who puts in the time and effort. To someone who has truly developed a Success Mind, even major failure is merely a temporary setback.
- Source

This morning I sit with a cup of coffee at my table. In front of me lies a stack of history. It is a precious gem. The record of the past. I have merely flipped through it, but my mind is spinning. Still stimulated by a conversation on Saturday in San Francisco. The wicked witch stares up at me - a photocopy cut out and typewritten words - some of the most creative events I have ever read about, participated in and remember.

My trip north was very productive. Well, productive is not actually the word. I spent about 5 hours total at blogher. I wandered around the city, sipping from my favorite haunts. I re-connected with several and forged deeper connections with few. I am constantly amazed at how amazing my life is - and how my relationships surprise me with their authenticity, newness and impeccible timing. I could expect no less.

I have much to digest. I am gathering data. I am creating something new. Phoenix rises from the flames. What will that phoenix be? What green thing will I grow from the ashes? I turn to history - to the past - for inspiration and guidance. I turn to the future to see the possibilities and outcomes and I inspect the present - to understand which path to take and in which way to make what is begging to be manifested.

Off to 'Frisco in like 15 min

I'm headed north to San Francisco for Blogher (and meeting up with some people). I've packed lots of black and grey sweaters and my winter coat, so I should be all good. I haven't really told anyone I'm going to be up there - I've been busy - but if you see this and want to meet up - call, text or email me. I'm staying in OaktownBootiville and will be downtown at the Westin sporadically.

63 - the universe speaks

Today sucked. For whatever reasons I hated everyone. It's times like this that the first solution that comes to my mind is to kill myself. I just don't want to live in a world filled with the kind of shit this one is filled with. I know that sounds like a cop out. I know I should focus on the positive good things. But I just want to cease to exist. I am too good, even with my flaws, to continue to exist in this shithole called reality. I feel death for myself or I want to destroy the world. Fucking bomb everything and kill everyone (metaphorically, of course). It's strong emotions for my little frame probably wracked full of chemical hormones. Fight or flight. Mad Max road rage.

This mood only worsened on the drive home, behind sheeply drivers (20 mph max up coldwater) behind sunday driving potty mouth cursers law breakers on mulholland and retarded gridlockers. I am driving a weapon, but where is my battering ram?

I know in these times, the times I hate my fellow stupid race, that I just need to get home as fast as possible and not leave. Heather, the introvert, needs massive rejuvenation. Alone. Solitude. Leave me the fuck alone with my thoughts and my books and my ideas and my notebooks. Leave me alone with my crackpot theories and understandings of the universe and why we all exist.

Sometimes the simple nourishment of this fragile ethereal temple called my body is much of what it takes to calm my torrid 3rd world Armageddon vision. But an hour wait for the pizza delivery was too long. Might as well blow my head off. (Yes, I can be a bit extreme at times.) The boyfriend convinced me that it was better to go to astroburger instead and to live another day.

I flipped my unicorn hair and off we went - me sulking and vomiting venom through words. He's telling me to use the power of my mind, but what in my mind is not pleasant at all. We're walking in and waiting in line. I'm still grumpy, pondering what I might want. And then, someone walks in who make me re-think about destroying the world in fire and ice: David Lynch.

I do a double-take. He looks just like his picture. He's wearing a suit. A young unshaven man is with him. They are right behind me in line. I think, hmmm, I guess David Lynch is a pretty good reason to let the world continue in my mind. I'm thinking about my banana costume and syd who makes tesla coils. I think of Iowa fields, the gothic house and TM. For some reason these are the things that are loosely associated with David Lynch in my brain.

I'm not even going to say a word. I'm playing it cool - with my rainbow dyed unicorn hair of course they would stare. Just another day in Hollyweird. What would / could I say to him anyway? It's the universe's little reminder - it's that glimmer of hope. It's the memory that even in all the shit of this world, there are diamonds.

Then my number is called - except it's not my number, and I already have my food - but it's the final wink, that says... what is said without words.

It's a moment. Something changes. And it matters, and yet does not. Because all this will be played out again tomorrow and the day after, and has been each day from when time began. The world is destroyed every day and rebuilt again.

Hi

Hey Blog, just thought I'd say hi. I've got some new friends I want to introduce you to soon. Some bodybuilders, fashionistas, motorcyclists and aquarium lovers. I've also got some gamers and emo-goths and moms. And when you blow off steam, there's the NSFW forum that I'm trying out my new flame-proof suit in.

Today at lunch, I quipped with my colleagues that my work is NSFW. I think I've found my dream job mom. And I just refreshed the purple and added turquoise. Muholland drive calls and the wheel turns one more time thanks to Steppenwolf and William Burroughs.

The Private Life

Weekends, I had forgotten you. Having freelanced/runmyowncompany/consult for the past 3+ years - a weekend was no different from any other day. Except the boyfriend was home and usually I was out on an adventure or holed up in the house reading/cleaning (I love to clean).

It was a great time. I remember back when I decided I would live each day like I was on vacation - and I did - for a very long time. But just because I was always on vacation, work was "optional" I lost the meaning of work segmentation. I could do work anywhere, anytime and I did. I always had my GTD notebook with me. I was always returning calls, email, doing the Biz Dev, going out and being seen and networking. All the time. To the detriment of my true interests, my varied passions.

I didn't think having a day job increase the time I would spend doing the things I love - but it has. Because I have less time to do my private things, I spend that the way I truly want to.

The only negatives to the day job in my book are having to get up, shower, get dressed and attempt to leave the house before 9am and not being able to write off as much on my taxes (OMG - I've paid more in taxes already this year than the past one!). This cutting back, this decrease requires discernment. I don't want to juggle all those balls in the bucket. I only did it because I could and no one else was. Now, I'm done with these balls and oh wow, thanks universe, here's a whole bunch more of brand new exciting things to do and learn and share and experience.

What a relief I no longer have to share my micro experiences with everyone electronically and that I am content to experience them directly with a select minority.

Burning Bridges, Burning Ships

There must be conflict in the air. That or I'm not longer taking bullshit. In actuality, I know exactly what is going on. I'm making room. I'm an integrator. I wield a sharp ax. I'm a bit insane. I follow logic, my heart and the direction of the universe.

I am a tool. I get used. (I don't always like it.) In the using I am often sharpened and hope I become a better tool. It's hard to get attached to anything with a life like that.

Recently though, I have gone through a baptism of fire. I passed the test. My armor is strong enough for my next task. For the Army I have joined. The ships are already metaphorically burned. I have nothing more to lose. Neither do questions of doing right or wrong go unanswered in my head. Only what the universe asks of me. And if it's to burn it all to hell - (and don't get freaked out mom, I'm still talking metaphors) - I'll do it. You'd better watch out when you start a firestorm with someone with "hbomb' as a nickname. I'm not known as someone who backs down.