heathervescent

Happy Birthday mjb

And here's an effervescent birthday wish going out to one of my longest standing, best friends - mjb. Thanks for standing by my side in my difficult times, being my friend, occasionally my adversary and always with great suggestions for books, music, media and website. Someday I will write a book about our friendship - there is no other like you. Thank you for being my friend. I hope you have a great day today.

Random Thoughts to write more on

Mr Hard Ass shows his face and wields the ax again. This time, with new and improved thick skin. Who knew I was wearing a fireproof suit?

The understanding of Trophy Wives. This is something I've always been perplexed and confused about, and I finally cracked the concept.

A fabulous birthday weekend with the pack in Santa Barbara. Margarita's on the beach, a swanky hotel and the dog dog dog everywhere - in the ocean, in the shower, in the sand, in the pedal bicycle surrey - oh so cute.  Update from my skin: SPF 70 actually works to not burn my pale pale complexion.

And now, street cleaning at 9am - must get ready to zip the commute over the Laurel Canyon and my second Monday morning.

Dog, Convertible

Top is down, a warm wind is blowing and I'm driving 70 on the 101 through the valley. Next to me is the dog sitting perfectly in the passenger seat. Nose forward, sniffing the air and looking into the sky. I've got the radio blasting and an airplane is taking off from Burbank overhead. It's just me and the dog, in our enclosed yet open to the sky bubble jetting along the flow.

Another day living the dream - a new dream.

commute thinking

I had a ton of things to write about this morning when I was commuting over laurel canyon. I was heat exhausted and slightly dehydrated from the heat. I remember thinking how happy I was that I was driving on a regular basis again. I really think about things differently when I'm in the car. I missed those deep thoughts.

I was remembering how great it felt to be back on a bike. I took the moto guzzi out on it's inaugural ride (to Lothlorian Topanga) this weekend. It's loud - oh man is it a loud bike - but the sound - is sweet sweet music to my ears. Ear your heart out Marc Bolan.

Then there was the Thievery Corporation Concert at the bowl. And thinking about imperminance and how it is just a lesson and not an end. An understanding in impermanence makes it easier to let go of things before crystallizing.

I'll leave you with these videos for inspiration. This one and this one are real inspirations. Just try to imagine what performance ideas I have running through my naughty little mind.

Also the dog ate almost 6 ounces of orange infused chocolate - and lived to tell. What is up with this dog's love of chocolate? He totally took it off my dresser to eat it.

Never on the Market

I'm one of these people that in work and love, is never on the market. My life flows from one thing to another.

One of these transitions just occurred. I had been riding The Purple Tornado, holding tea parties in the eye of the storm while juggling projects, clients and possibilities. The winds have slowed and I've found myself in a new land - one worth exploring.  (In another vision, I see the mercenary for-hire self of mine complete with guns, weapons and crusty leather armor joining a team tasked with a vision.) Oh, it's all very mythic isn't it? What can I say - I like Myths.

But it's true. The tornado has joined a crowd with a vision. I'm embarking on my next big adventure by joining Crowdgather as their Director of Community Evangelism. (Disclaimer, I have been working with Crowdgather since February of this year.) I have to say, I am very excited - my excitement is even surprising me - and I can't wait to unleash and create to ultimately improve the lives of billions of people. It's a big goal - but my dad always told me to "Aim High."

Rocking the Retrograde

A few years ago, when I wrote for Daily Mantra, I decided to learn about the star-crossed "Mercury Retrograde". I'd only ever heard of it and not believing in day to day astrology dismissed it. But I was writing for an audience that I thought would find it interesting, so not only did I learn about it, but I started to observe. What did I see happening or not happening during a merc retrograde as opposed to other times?

If you're not familiar, a Merc retrograde is when Mercury appears to move backwards in the sky due to the placement of the earth and mercury. Apparently electronics and communications go haywire and get mixed up.

But I like to think of the retrograde as taking a step back. A chance to review things. To recapitulate. It's almost like a second chance. An opportunity to go back and do something again.

I pretty much stopped paying attention to retrogrades when I stopped writing for Daily Mantra - but for some reason, this one (the one that we currently ended on Thursday-yesterday) came on my radar. And Ive had an uncanny return to my past - revisiting past activities.

I was initially concerned that I was personally digressing - what about moving forward? what about evolving? trying new things? what's this heather? return to things you used to do?

Then the truck back up beeping started. But it wasn't backing up as in "I made a mistake". It was like when I was walking on the rocks in Cambria at New Years.

When I was in Cambria this weekend I walked along the tidepool beach cliffs. The rocks had been worn away and I jumped from slick seaweed covered rock to another while the waves crashed nearby. I'd venture out on the long tendrils of rock and get caught in a dead end. It was leap of faith across a wide churning channel onto slicker rock or backtracking. I chose to backtrack - there was no need to make a leap of faith on this solo excursion. I wondered if the backtracking was worth the journey. In the end I decided it was, because it's more about the trip than the destination.

This retrograde has been one major backtrack. But it's not a backtrack. It's more like a three point turn at the end of a really interesting alley. And I've explored all I wanted for now.

Besides, I missed who I was. I missed the radio show, the motorcycle, Gurdjieff and the Heather that was relaxed and comfortable with herself. I missed the person who never had anything to prove because she always did what she was best at. I missed the heather that explored and discovered and learned and taught. I missed the part of Heather that you wouldn't expect -- the one that loves to wear suits, document process and sit behind a desk. The one that likes structure, traveling and evangelizing to  help people have a good time and improve their lives with technology.

And now I get to be that person again, benefiting from my recent adventures.

Friends, Betrayal and Trust

I've been thinking about these things a lot recently. It started with something that a friend of mine said offhand earlier this week. "You know Heather, most of the people you talk about that you've introduced me to, don't act like they're really happy to see you." Then she told me a story about how she introduced a "friend" to one of her friends and her friend pointed out the girl "friend" she introduced to her was not really her friend.

That story percolated in my mind. And then I got angry. Because I kick ass and am amazing - but I don't really have that many actual friends. I don't  consider most of the people at the many of the events I go to as friends (associates and potential friends perhaps). Yeah, I know a lot of people and we're "friends" on twitter and facebook and the like - but are they really my friends? Do they really care about me as a person? About my dreams and goals and what I am feeling?

No. I don't think many of those people do.

I don't expect to be the center of anyone's life except mine and Romeo's (and maybe slightly off-center to the boyf) - but it's fucking me up thinking that all of you are my friends - when it is so obviously you are not.

I know that you're focused on your own life and goals and climbing whatever social ladder or jockeying for positioning or doing whatever to fulfill your dreams. I get that and I don't take it personally that I'm just another step to your rise. But it hurts, being used. And I see right through it. (Stupid me, I've been pretending that I haven't been seeing it. I've been giving the benefit of the doubt, because I want to believe that people can evolve and be their better self, but really people are just pieces of shit, humming at the lowest level of evolution.) Wow - there's one from my embittered soul.

So few, so few actually care. And really, why should I be so surprised? I never wanted to be Ms Popularity. I only wanted to be authentic. I only ever wanted to be the most amazing individual I could possibly be. And I'm that. And so what. Time to move on.

An Older Lover

I've always dreamed of my classic car. Old style - been around the block and still purring. Well, I got my wish come true today when a 1973 Moto Guzzi Eldorado pulled into my driveway. It's not in pristine state - but it's running well and looks fine for being 35!

I'm looking forward to outfitting myself in brand new gear and being back out in the environment.

Too Hot to Handle: School's Out

What was I thinking? A work weekend in June in the Mojave? Out where the troops practice heat acclimation before heading to Babylon?

We drove out under the coolness of darkness. At 1am it was still reading 80 degrees. We built a bonfire and pulled out a bottle of champagne watching the moon set in the west. Coyotes howling, their singing closer and closer to our little piece of nowhere. Under the Milky way refrains. Waxing spiral galaxies. You can't help but think big deep things out there.

I awoke to the sun before 8am - tired and groggy. The sun was already blaring hot and bright. I fiddled around, pulling out trash bags and surveyed the situation. There was a lot of work. There was a lot of trash. There was a lot of probably toxic insulation to be dealt with. What the hell was I thinking?

There was nothing left to do but start - so we started. By 9 it was still getting hot, so we decided to go to town for supplies at the new mega-Home Depot. We pass a convoy of tanks on the way and drooled at the machinery. S rolled down her window and we offered a swap - truck for tank. I did not envy the guys - open to the elements with full gear on. A streak of white cord snaked from a helmet into a pocket. A soundtrack for war.

We returned in the heat of the day and S napped while I sat in a patch of shade reading about Burning Man and looking at the hot still scenery - watching reflections on the mountains. Again wonder what the hell I was thinking. I've survived Burning Man - so I can do this. I alternated these rests with raking, picking up trash, rolling up fencing. It was finally starting to take shape as the sun rode its chariot west.

An afternoon adventure at the local bar turned things to the worst. Those stereotypes you hear about, they exist for a reason. Yeah - it's authentic, but it's not necessarily pretty.

We caught the sunset - purple mountains, pink clouds and a final burst of energy before calling it quits and vowing to return in September. School's out. We packed our bags, covered in dust and sweat and sunblock. On the return to civilization - I stopped to get an ice cream. The cashier at the checkout counter had been in the Marines. I asked him what the high temp today had been - and he responded with "it's been cool - it was only probably 105 today. Usually it's about 115 this time of year." Global warming making the Mojave cooler.

So I'm shelving LL until September. Besides - I've got a big move I'm about to announce and I've been clearing my slate making room for my next adventure.

On Solitude

"We are pioneers, waves that break upon shores unvisited. Enjoy the solitude!"
- Bernard

Electron Jump

I just learned about the energy needed for an electron to jump orbits. Particle - wave. Lightening - jump. Lose energy fall back in to the lowest state. THERE ARE MATHEMATICAL EQUATIONS FOR THIS!!!! I know, I remember them from 6th grade - but back then I was too busy fending off attacks from the boys about my big tits to really focus on the math. But now, that I've finally come to terms with my pair of 36DDs, I can focus on math all I want. (How about you boys, what are you focusing on now, hmmm?) This door is just beginning to open. In fact, I may only be peering into the keyhole. But I can tell, this is one love affair that I'm going to have for a long time. And I've got my entire life to master it. I'm not in any hurry.

The Decision on Burning Man

I've been reading Brian Doherty's This is Burning Man and it's a strange lolly in my mouth. You see, I have two tickets for the festival this year, but I have decided to skip it. I don't feel the love, my life is taking a different direction and I'll have my surrogate carbque soon enough.

And then Brian gave me his book.

I spent much of the weekend reading it. I remember the early days of BM - although I didn't attend them. I worked in a SF start-up with friends that introduced me to SRL and SF Caco along with Craigslist. I remember meeting Michael Michael and John Law and Scott Beale at lush hoff brau taxidermyed Tommy's Joynt. That was back then when I had naturally blonde hair and was married. Times far past.

It's strange reading Brian's book. He describes all these people I knew or met shortly around the time I met them. Some of them I've come to know better - all of them I have immense respect and admiration for. Through Brian, I get to know these men I admire more intimately. I feel like a voyeur learning these things not from them directly. I suppose it's similar to those of you who know my intimate thoughts though we've never met.

I think back to the images of who they are in my head. I almost I wish I had been out there to experience it directly. Almost.

It is my deepest desire to create something of lasting importance to / for this world. Something beautiful, but crazy and fucked up and utterly novel and unique. Something beyond my energy - which will be gone when I am gone. For the people in this world. Something that makes people become more aware of their possibilities - and also encouraged and activated to make them reality.

That's what's so inspiring about Brian's book. It makes me want my actions to impact as many as theirs. To be as big. As secretly innovative and raw cutting edge. It's about the people - who are just people and not gods. It's about the attitude needed to do something new. It's the ugly messy early time.

But this is not the year. There is still the slight chance I will make a last minute decision and go. But for now the decision is to not go. Something's telling me there's something else in my immediate future. There's something bigger than Burning Man on my horizon.

A Fabulous Fall

The Fall by Tarsem is the best modern film I have seen. It's up there with Fellini's Satyricon and Sargasso Manuscript. The intensity and visual stimulation are mind-blowing. And the story is both mundane and fantastical. It's like the Wizard of Oz. A journey. An adventure and rehabilitation.

Although released 2 years ago internationally, it's just been released in the US. Go see it.

4 Years Tomorrow

I remember when first heard the word "Jacaranda". It was in a Marisa Monte song in the Southern Hemisphere in a Northern Brazilian Beach town.

Four years ago I subletted a writer's cottage in Venice Beach. A light blue house with a wide grass lawn and a hammock in the back. Across the street from my home office (her office) was a beautiful tree with purple flowers. I learned this was a Jacaranda tree.

I had no reason to come to Los Angeles. I knew no one. I had no job. I had just this one month sublet. I did not come here for boy or job or to run away from my life or join a cult. I came to Los Angeles because it told me I needed to be here. That this place - this city - my birthplace - was where I needed to be. To leave the NorCal Elitist Snobbery and take a chance. Jump into the unknown. I had the guts and I jumped.

I remember these things because Friday is my 4 year anniversary of moving to LA.

Ah what times we've had Los Angeles. What we've learned from each other. What we've brought each other. The opportunities and challenges. I maintain my service to you - to uncover - to bring to light that which others ignore. To see what other can not - do not see - until I point the way - the Primer Inter Pares - threshold to the mainstream.

"My first duty is to sacrifice to the gods and pray them to grant me the thoughts, words and deeds likely to render my command most pleasing -- and to bring myself, my friends and my city the fullest measure of affection and glory and advantage."

I raise my glass to you - to another year of success - new opportunities, new friends and new adventures - always breaking new ground.

Funny Voices

Remembering reading the Libertarian tome (filled with minor characters), Burning Man books, comic books and MySpace emails in my Monster Truck, British and normal voices. I really love reading outloud in my Monster Truck voice.

Costume Change

I'm an actor as I go through my life. I have many roles. I've been many roles. And there are many roles in my future.

I was wandering my past today. (The main reason I write this blog is to facilitate these past wanderings - remember who I was, what I was thinking and all that.) A couple years ago I started taking the spotlight challenge. I decided to stop playing in the wings - and to take on a new role - one of being in the forefront of technology and Los Angeles. I was reluctant and awkward.

Water flows down - catching in the low places and fills them up, until it overflows - and moves on.

I've been thinking about this image a lot recently. I've missed the person I used to be and I've been thinking about her often this past week. My mind travels back and picks out the gems from my past self. I'm stagnant. I've been stagnant for a while - caught in someone else's dream that attached itself to me.

I'm ready for something different. I'm ready to revisit some roles of the past.

* photo by Ike Unson

Poolside in Hollywood

It's a Hollywood story. Text message. Convertible on Sunset Blvd. Valet park @ the Standard. I'm wearing my puking clown t-shirt from threadless as I take a seat in the Joshua Tree room. I'm looking at the wall paper and thinking about the ranch and how I might build a wall in the middle of the desert only to plaster it with this wall paper.

Then I'm drinking a mocha poolside while I listen to a director and two other folks talk about the movie deal. At the table next to me two sunglass clad metrosexuals enjoy their yogurt and berries. I'm tempted to order a drink but I'm trying to hit Rachel's Cardio Funk at Noon to get these abs into show off state.

I pull out my yellow book and three coins and offer a birthday gift of enlightenment to my friend. He throws the coins and the reading is one for us all. "Do not be that which you are not - be authentic - follow your true path." We talk about the things we usually talk about. Which is not politics (we're both libertarians) or burning man (much) or art or technology. We talk about the things our minds toy with. Relationships, processing. I make fun of the name he gave me "Mr Hard Ass." And I am. This time we talk about wolf packs, writing, motivation, conflict, relationships and an obvious asset. I suppose that's what we talk about most of the time. A phone call interrupts us - we have fun with it.

It's been a while since I've lived these typical LA stories. I immediately wonder why is that? I've gotten stuck in a groove. I've become more serious than usual. (All weekend the boyf was joking with me that I'm soooo serious - especially when I am joking. That reminds me that humor is not something I strive for, but rather the absurd and eccentric.)

I'm returning to things from the past. Returning to past mindsets, my internet radio show, my twisty drives in the Santa Monica Mountains. I consider Aikido, exercise, my desire for that "malibu mansion**" (I knew even then it was going to be in the Hollywood Hills). I think about which things I may cut, how I've stopped using GTD and the flow and flux of friends.

I long for those days. The vanilla sky. When LA was new and undiscovered. However it is still new and undiscovered. I've just gotten stuck in my habitual ruts. Time again, to break out.

* Image by Sam Newman

** This is joke with a friend. I'm referring to the mansion I'd buy once I was famous in Los Angeles, from back when I was only considering moving here.

ps. Remember "stealing the novelty"

Returned

I returned to the Internet airwaves tonight with a 4+ hour set on Theory Radio that is just wrapping up. I'm not sure when I'm going to get a regular slot - but I'll be back DJing. I'm mostly focusing on mash-ups and my eclectic mix of ambient and bad 80s. I hope you'll tune in sometime.