On Conflict and Clarity

The other week the boyf was accusing me of being into confrontations or liking confrontations or liking conflict. While I don't like confrontations, I don't shy away from it. (And I am actually quite good dealing with a confrontational situation.) People have disagreements and different points of views and goals, etc, and when those don't line up and are ignored conflict occurs. To pretend the conflict isn't there is to ignore an elephant in the room. Confronting the difference is not a pleasant thing - but it must be done to move forward.

I was trying to figure out a way to explain my attitude toward confrontation, when I picked up Strengths Finder a few days ago. I found my answer under "Command" one of my top 5 strengths.

"You are not frightened by confrontation; rather, you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution. Whereas others may avoid facing up to life's unpleasantness, you feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You need things to be clear between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest."

This pretty much sums up my attitude toward confrontation and conflict. Look, I'd love it if we could all get along - but when we're not or when we disagree or have a misunderstanding, we must address the issues - and it's probably not going to be pretty. I'd prefer to not bring up the issue at all - but I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist.

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Which brings up a rant of mine - about people who are unwilling to meet you halfway/face to face to resolve a conflict or avoid a confrontation. There is no way to resolve a conflict if the other party refuses to even meet. This is the most frustrating situation for me and those who pull that on me lose my respect. I know it's hard, life is hard. But I'd rather resolve and move on - then be stuck back there pretending the issue will go away. A lot of times, it doesn't. It just gets bigger.

Anyway, end rant. :)

Comments

[Joel Ordesky]

Many people confuse conflict with a lack of cooperation.

The concept of Fierce Conversations as a concept and as outline in the book by Susan Scott makes clear the value of not just agreeing for the sake of it.

Many people like meetings where they are managed to zero conflict. This is great for a cult but it really makes for a weak business. Diverse thought makes for a strong solution and a good manager evaluates all ideas not those that are close to his/her world view.

I think when dealing with conflict it is always good to have some ground rules like dealing with problems and issues and not people. Just because someone prefers another path does not make them the problem.

Also being solution oriented and not problem oriented is always a better way to deal with conflict.

[heathervescent]

Joel - excellent comment. Thanks for your thoughts!