Making Room, Getting unstuck

I've gotten stuck in a role - probably by my own making. My community validated self-appropriated title as "LA Tech Maven + Connector + Visionary" has got me stuck. I feel like a mom who doesn't like who her children are becoming and doesn't like who they are hanging out with. My passion for promoting LA tech has fizzled. I've been trying to rally myself and get excited because of all people here, I should be able to take this to the next level - and that was my dream. I am also not a quitter. I also don't shy from competition. But, I also don't do something that has no more passion for me.

There are too many cooks in the kitchen and I don't like the cooks or what is getting cooked up. I wonder, is it too hot for me to handle? Can I stand the pressure? Why not just bulldog my way through? If I had the passion and drive, yes, but the passion is gone.

Where and when did that passion go?

• It left when I got pushed out of BarcampLA leadership (yes, that story has not been publicly told) and those leaders became hypocritical.
• It left when all these tech events exploded on the scene and no one was coordinating w/ each other.
• It left when throwing a tech event became a business.
• It left when LA events were replications of SV events.
• It left when Silicon Valley came to LA looking for a red carpet stroke my ego circle jerk.

I have big big dream. I dream of a connected LA Tech community. But right now it's like a 12 course meal being prepared by 12 different chefs; competing, jostling to hit the same target market. It's a land grab, mad rush to create your event, your brand and make a stake. Ugh. Sorry, that kind of activity make me want to puke. I can't help but remember Gloria's words about how the universe is abundant. I agree with her.

I've been angsting over what I want to do for months. What is best for the community? For my dreams?  There is no good answer. And bottom line, I don't like some of the personalities in the mix. (And I'm not one of these people who dislikes people for no reason - I have to have reasons to not like you otherwise I keep giving you chances.)

I am going to take a break. Work on my metaphorical broken watches or lamps. I am going to focus on the things that have my passion - like my new desert ranch, learning to professionally stunt car drive, building my company - The Purple Tornado, and helping my clients take their companies to the next level.

I'm not leaving, nor giving up. I'm watching you LA Tech Community (and community leaders). Watching everything. And I'll keep doing what I do, to make it stay real - to make you stay real - and ultimately for us all to evolve into something bigger than ourselves.

Comments

[Joe Crawford]

It feels like this post is in part meant to smear the leadership of BarCampLA. I find that disappointing. A grievance that would be heard and understood would be a substantive one, not made of vague rhetoric about being pushed out or "I have my reasons to not like [them]."

I've been through what you are feeling. I felt it in San Diego several years ago. I came to understand that I could not control a community that in its essence is empowered technologically and ultimately decentralized. I could influence and lead, I could not control. When I figured that out, I had the moral high ground and increased my influence and credibility. It was a blast and was a blessing in my life.

I wish you only the best and hope you get satisfaction from your life and career in all things. I wish you that without irony and from a place of empathy.

[heathervescent]

Joe - the reasons I am not specific with my grievances is because I somehow don't feel comfortable naming names online on a blog. I've alluded to the situation on my barcampLA groups posts - and if you can read between the lines of those messages, you might get an idea of the specifics... actually, I'll email you the specifics, and let you make your own decision.

[Sean Bonner]

You haven't named names but you've been so specific it's pretty hard for anyone to not know who you are talking about. IMHO one of the things that makes someone look really bad is to constantly take round about snipes at other people, while never actually saying any thing they can respond to.

I think if you have issue with Jason and Crystal you should address them, publicly or privately, with exactly what you are upset about and let them respond to that. Then you've said your piece and can move on however you see fit. This nit picky back and forth shit doesn't make anyone look good.

[heathervescent]

Sean - you're totally right. But how many times do you reach out to people and give them a chance privately before giving up? I guess I'll try one more time.

[anonymous coward]

I just want to chip in... I don't know all the beef you're referring to behind the scenes.

But why are you mad that the community isn't coordinating with you over events? That's really arrogant. Who are you to say which events go or not? Who are you to say whether an event makes money or not?

You left with 'all these event exploded on the scene with no coordination with eachother'? Wow, what an amazing time that was - clearly a critical mass was forming that was beyond anyone one person to help maintain. Do other major scenes in LA have such tight management of given events?

Maybe so many events mean single personalities like yours (and egos) will be drowned out in the noise. What a refreshing and mature thing to have happen. Bring it on. I want to be part of it.

[legalyste]

I fully understand the issue - LA is a town where everyone is trying to "make the show." In that respect, it is very different from many other places - where business can be done without simultaneously trying to muscle one's way into the spotlight.

What is often missing in LA is the recognition that power doesn't have to be all-encompassing and in-your face, but instead can be subtle and generous. I understand Heather's approach - which best resembles the generous host of a party - and very much respect it. It is an approach that recognizes that if we raise the water, we all float higher. The community needs to recognize that, too.

[heathervescent]

Dear Anon Coward, I admit, it is egotistical to ask people to coordinate with me before doing their thing. That's not what I'm talking about. I do not want to hold the reins of power. I want to enable people to be successful and their success is directly proportional to the community fostering.

If you want to jump into the game - I would say go for it! In fact, I will personally support you in that - sharing my best practices and experiences to make you successful. If you only left an email address....

[heathervescent]

legalyste - thanks for getting it. It's not about climbing the pyramid - it's about raising it from the bottom. I really like the way you described it - raising the water and we all float higher. I only hope that others get that too instead of focusing on the pettiness.

[heathervescent]

Note to self/update: it's so easy to resolve things when both parties step up to the table. Just recently someone and I resolved a small tiff ending with "let's let bygones be bygones". So easy - when you respond with something other than no response. Last chance was met with this same no response. But I'll probably keep trying to reach out cause that's how I am - and that's those more enlightening would do. But at least I have the most recent reminder of certain people's way of dealing with these hard things by ignoring them. They will not resolve on their own.