Culture Shock

I should have known better and not gone at all. I just attempted to go to Drinks 2.0 Developer night - yet another geek event here in LA. But it was only 15 minutes from my house, a bunch of my friends had RSVPed and the boyf actually wanted to go.

I've had a lot of concerns about the LA tech community explosion and some blew up on me tonight. One, I really should have known better than go after spending 4 days of awesomeness with the closest group of people I've ever found in my entire life. Cutting lose and being the ultimate expression of heathervescent (minus the fire) with 100 people at the same caliber of creative expression is a hard act to follow. I've been having culture shock just getting back into the grind. Then there's the 2 week cold I've been fighting, culminating with my throat as raw as it's ever been. Then there was the questioning of my newest avatar which I can't really write about because she's secret. That's a lot in itself, without my other topic specific reservations.

I know I should be happy about all the events springing up. I know I should be happy about the people taking initiative organizing things for the community. I know I should be happy about the community growing. I know I should be happy about that LA Times article. It's all validation of my dream. It's success. And it's that's the case, why am I all tore up? Why do I hate everything I have worked for? Why do I feel like it was all for nothing. Why am I not celebrating my awesomeness and pimping up my ego for TOTAL LA TECH DOMINATION?

*sigh*

I've analyzed this to no end - and I will probably keep analyzing because I'm just not satisfied with my answers. Maybe I'm jealous? I really wish it was that simple. That would be a great answer and then I'd just let time do it's healing, or I could strike back, cause we all know "business is not about being nice." But I'm not jealous.

Am I mad because I "should have been doing those type of events?" Those types of events being ones where I make money or pimp my company. I'm sorry, I'm not interested in selling out the community I spent years building. I feel very protective, because I spent so much time creating space for it to grow. I watched it to see what it needed, to know where it wanted to grow and tried to give it that.

Maybe I'm burned out. I've been doing this for almost two years - and as anyone who knows me, I don't do anything half-assed. Look at my results, I got people to pay attention to LA's tech community. LA - a city of glitz and Hollywood and smoozing and swankiness and deals and movies and blah blah blah. And LA, what did you in return? I wanted to make something real, something that wasn't all slick and polished. I wanted to make something that was real, authentic in a city where you're always talking up the next thing.

And that's what you did. You took it and made it slick. You talked it up. You got everyone's attention. It's probably going to be as disgusting as the tech scene in Silicon Valley.

Maybe I'm not satisfied with my results. Maybe the results aren't what I expected. And when it's a community of volunteers, it's not like you can fire anyone. And who am I to know what's best anyway. Who put me in charge? I did. (Well, I do remember an email with the BarcampLA1 organizers who said there needed to be a benevolent commander and I might as well be it.)

It's because I don't like to do what other people do. I want to innovate. I don't copy. I'll borrow and steal ideas, and I'll improve upon them. Why shouldn't other do that with my ideas? The voice inside says I should take it as flattery that I have inspired people. And logically I do. I mean, that's what I want - I want people to follow their dreams, their passions. But don't follow mine. Don't copy me.

Which leads me to _my_ dreams and passions. What _am_ I passionate about? What gets me going? What excites me? Being authentic. Re-defining. Trying new things. Constant invention. Never satisfied. Un-categorizical. Culture-jamming. Pushing the envelope. I just happen to be very good at organizing groups of people. And I happen to have a lot of experience building technology products. Technology was a passion of mine. Los Angeles was a passion of mine. Where has that passion gone? And if it's gone, then there is no point to continuing down that path - no matter how many others are beating down it. No matter how many people tell me what they think I should be doing.

If it's not a path with heart, I might as well shoot myself now.

Comments

[Joe Crawford]

I know the feeling. I began the websandiego mailing list (hey, in 1999 it was *the* social networking tech that worked best!) and it continues to this day, but without me. I always got kudos for my work, more credit than I deserved, really. I loved it, but in the end, local boosterism and knowing lots of folks and even getting yourself in local media is not the endpoint. Cultivating community is hard work. You've done a good job, and I have a great deal of respect for your accomplishments. I'm not sure what my point is, but I've been in the headspace you describe, and wanted to say so.

[heathervescent]

Thanks Joe. I personally love mailing lists as community building. And yeah, community building is hard work - and more art and observation more than anything.

[Hellyweed]

One of the bad things about LA is its ability to leave one with a feeling of emptiness - moreso than other cities. Perhaps the strengths of LA - its diversity, its newness, its embrace of nearly anything - is also part of the reason for the emptiness. As they used to say about my old hometown, Miami, "a native is someone who moved here yesterday."

Weather is another blessing/problem here. We don't have the usual external signs of time passing, of accomplishment, of completion. Years don't end, they just roll into each other - one after another. That can be very difficult to adjust to - particularly if one is more comfortable with clear cyclical changes.

Despite all that, there is a beauty about LA and its vastness. There is always a new neighborhood, a new community, a new group to discover. If you don't have a navigation system, buy one, and follow it into the heart of Little (Thailand, Manila, Armenia, Odessa, Bombay, China (several different regions), El Salvador, Athens, Guatemala, Cairo, Tehran, etc.) Enjoy the diversity.

One other thing about LA is the constant need to bring the diverse communities together - either through technology or without it. Your ability to do that could be really special in that area.

For me, I always have difficulty because what I do for a living is not beneficial to the world. It is a crisis for me about 4 times a year, one that I haven't gotten around. It is part of my emptiness.

No, I'm not suggesting anything in particular - just commiserating and offering the mild suggestion to reframe the perception of what is possible and what is good.