The morning began early, with a dream of snakes. In my dream they were attacking me. Biting my hands over and over, not getting a grip, yet not going away. I was irritated at the terror, yet stayed calm as the biting continued. Was it a metaphor for aikido class last night?
I was practicing with a new student that was like a pillar of stone. Such strength, no fluidity. Practically impossible to move him. We were practicing an entering/irimi that made my stomach turn. Honestly, I wanted to puke, and that with the pillar of stone made for a very trying practice. However, I persevered in my fluidity. In my probing. In practicing the technique poorly. I laughed at the iron grip (which I easily flicked out of) and found how to take his balance away. I kept calm and relaxed, even in my irritation. In the end, it was a joy.
At the end of class we practiced koku-dosa. It's one of my favorite techniques. You kneel with you hand outstreached. One person offers their hands/arms and the other receives holding/pushing back on the offer. On the surface it looks like you are pushing the other person over. But it's more subtle than that. A feeling you cultivate is one of groundedness, the other person is trying to find your tension points. As my partner offered, I placed my hands on his arms. I could feel the tensions in his arms, I could feel him probing my tension spots, finding them, but I hid them with my grounded thoughts. Becoming more aware of them as he found them and then relaxing them. And over everything, I kept the feeling of hugging him. Of having abstract affection for this being in front of me.
After class we talked about ruthlessness. My sensai last knew me when I was extremely ruthless. Since then, I have gone on to explore other terms. It's time now to return to ruthlessness, with a slight tweak: Ruthless with a baby.
And here's another hint from last night:
When you're about to give in, is exactly when you are about to break through.
I've seen that happen with others and me many times. It gives me hope when I feel like giving in/up (which has been much recently). But that's ruthlessness for you. Give up, giving up.
And to bring it back full circle, when I checked on the snakes this morning after I woke from the dream, they needed water. As much as I fear them, and wish they would go away (they are big and have been trouble to take care of recently) I want them to have the best life possible. I will take care of them. I filled their water bowl and turned up the heat. I want them to have a good life.
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