heathervescent: Heather meets her Inspiration

I live my life like the movie I want to watch. I am the main character and try experience an interesting time. Today, has been one of the major turning points in the story. I will tell the story about the activities in a moment. Now, all I can say, is that from this point on I am someone different.

I jumped into the cab and said "How fast can you make it to downtown?" "15 minutes!" And we did. I tipped generously and slide out and into the theatre. I ordered breakfast: coffee and a chicken quesadilla. The Age of Aquarius was playing on the screen. Auspicious. Very Auspicious. Then the movie started. I haven't heard a Robyn Hitchcock song for a long time. And I haven't regularly listened to him for almost 10 years. The movie I went to watch was called: Robyn Hitchcock: Sex, Death, Food and Insects (or something like that). To really understand Heather, listen to Robyn Hitchcock.

I was obsessed with his music when I was 15 through my early 20's. Not necessarily obsessed with Robyn, but his music, lyrics. They soothed me through my horrible parent's divorce and living with my evil stepmother. (Yes, I did have an evil stepmother!) They inspired me, they crystallize me, and made me want to live, be, the best, most interesting amazing person I could possibly be. I took it as a challenge. I made him my mantra. And I started to mold the person I am today and will become.

Now cut to today. I'm that person. The Heather I always wanted to be (and of course I continue to want to expand and change and be better and explore and evolve.) I went out into the world and became myself. Now imagine returning to, seeing that which inspired you to be like this in the first place. And that is what happened to me today. Thank god the theatre was dark, because I was crying. Why? I am not obsessed with Robyn as a person or his music.

I was mostly reminded of myself. What the songs did and meant to me then. The crystallization of the 15, 16, 17, 18 year old Heather - cocooned in fleshy embryonic nutrient rich fluid - cracked. Right there in the theatre. I don't know what I am now. Something I can only dream of being. But the Heather that came to Austin, is not the Heather that returns to Los Angeles.

Los Angeles. I miss you so much. I know you are a city full of traffic and pollution and problems and egotistical Hollywood wannabes and assholes. But I love you. You are my home.

Update: At the end of the movie, the director was present for Q&A. Robyn was there! And came up to the front. No one had any questions. I know I only wanted to praise the film. After a long silence, I raised my hand. This is what I said.

Me: "This was an excellent film. My flight left 5 minutes after the film started. And the film was completely worth it." It took a moment for what I said to sink in. (Hell, why did I even say it in the first place, sometimes something inside me takes over.)

The Director's response: "you missed your flight to see this movie? I think that's the first time this has happened." Then he handed the mic to Robyn. He spoke to me saying, something like,

Robyn: Where were you going?
Me: LA
R: Have you been there before?
Me: I live there.
R: Then he started talking like the shadow of myself is on the plane to LA, but I'm here and all it cost was my luggage. And now that I'm here and my shadow self is on the plane back to LA, I'm free. I have total freedom to make up whatever happens next.

I don't know if he realized what the words meant that he spoke to me. It as if God him/herself was speaking directly to me. Indeed that shadow self of heathervescent has landed in LA, picked up her bags and gone along with the plan. While the person here, typing this, has split from the tree, total freedom to do it all differently.

After all this time, all this work, I've finally reached the starting line. The gun has gone off. And here now, when I can be, win anything I can possibly imagine, I no longer care about winning. I'm going to run, fly, swim, drive, harder, faster, better, longer than I have ever before. Just to see where I'll end up. And I'll enjoy the journey all the time.