heathervescent

Surrender to the QA cycle

It seems that in all parts of my life I am in a QA cycle. You know. Quality Assurance. You work out the bugs before you release the product. You pound on the software to get it to break. You test it. You test the load balancing, server, database, UI. Except that the product in question is not software (although I am actually QAing actual software) - the product in question is my life - ME.

In the past couple years, I've been retrofitting myself. It's been a fast process of upgrading, both hardware, software, connectivity, electricity. Dumping obsolete and archived files. Doing complete search/replace on interpersonal interactions stuck in memory. Finding and leaving gems, hooks and markers. A virtual scavenger hunt - except it's not just left to the realm of imagination. The prizes are in the here and now.

This is a hard position to be in. You must keep the faith and keep pounding, keep your diligence and check to make sure bugs are fixed, regressions don't happen and continue to look for bugs. It's hard for me to hold back and be patient. I want to GET OUT there and DO. But it's not time yet. Patience Heather. Surrender to the QA cycle. Enjoy this quiet, self-testing time. Because you really don't want to release software that can't handle the load. And you'd much rather find and fix it now, while you have the luxury and nice weather of Los Angeles, then in the uncertainly of the unknown.

The Future is a one-way street

Falling like never before

I consider myself to be pretty experienced in many things. More experienced than most in most things. I pay attention. I empathize. I learn. I experience. But recently the world has completely knocked me off my feet in a way that I never thought possible. I thought I knew what love was. It turns out, I had only kissed the tip of the iceberg.

All the men I've loved, I've met in extraordinary ways. I won't enumerate them and their stories, although they are amazing stories. I released their bonds earlier this year. Then, I watched my brother get married last month and cynically stood toward the back. I did not challenge what they did. I was in awe. I thought there's no way I could ever do that. Selfish, self-centered, self-serving cynical jaded Heather.

And then Mr. Jauntie wields the cast iron frying pan.

There's a fabulous story, but I can't tell it here now. I'll distill it down to: keep the faith, be careful what you wish you, you'll get it, and always, always do the "right" thing; because the universe delivers its side and it will slap your hand if you don't deliver on yours.

As the beautiful Cabalist's wife in the Sargasso Manuscript says, "All these adventures begin simply. The listener thinks it'll soon be over, but one story creates another and then another."

"Fast, slow, it doesn't matter. You know that feeling of inevitability?"

Inevitable it is. An inevitable adventure. And I should expect nothing less.

What I like

A roommate who is game to walk in Los Feliz with the dog, trying on the costumes for the weekend.

Big Deal!

....
"I am one of only two mammals in the world that lay eggs," said Duckbilled Platypus.
"Big Deal," said BeefSnakStik (registered trademark). "I have beef lips."
[moral: Just because you have a lot of stuff, don't think you're so special.]
- Squids will be Squids, J. Scieszka and L. Smith

For some reason I was feeling under appreciated and over qualified at the same time. Until Gloria reminded me of this story as I drank my mocha in the gloomy kitchen this afternoon. Big deal indeed. Maybe I'll just listen to this mash-up of Real Big Time over and over and over until I get over myself.

invention dissapointment

When I was 14 I redefined my thoughts on religion, because I realized that organized religion did not provide me what I needed in my spiritual longings. I was told, taught a bunch of rules, litany of prayer and asked to swear allegiance to one true god that had been defined to me as this white-haired-old man. Father time actually.

To that scared 10 year standing on the stage, voodoo white candle, standing before all only to please the family - knowing full well that that I didn't believe the majority of what I was agreeing to. That I was agreeing to something I didn't care about didn't register as wrong to me. I had seen the universe, I knew everything was connected, I saw the lines in the trees, felt the wind on my face, I felt the movement of something different in my synapses. Something beyond that which is defined as Heather. These agreements were agreements of the world for other people and did not register with the other committments, bargains made.

I was determined to create my own religion. My "cult" of 1. And I started a vigorous self-reflection process to understand what it was I actually believed in, so that I could distill it into a kernel that I could carry with me. The Decad came out of this time frame - the rules I live by. Eventually I defined my religion, and promptly found it had already been invented. It was called Taoism. I was beside myself. Instead of being happy at finding validation on my religious thought, a school of thought that has been chomped and pondered for significantly more time that I could if I dedicated my life to it, I was depressed. What's the point of trying with your spirit to do something new, novel, inventive, when you get to the point of invention - that spark of life on your idea, the creation has occured - only to be a duplication of effort? It makes me want to die. To give up on all ideas; except the ideas are so tasty, so tantalizing in their possibilities. In their puissance.

It happened again. The puzzle pieces of my life, current and past bargains have started to reveal themselves to me. And yet, I know what I have seen is not new. Except maybe, I actually know how to do it. Except maybe, I've got some puzzle pieces the scientists are not fully utilizing.

promises, integrity and keeping your word

I'm tired of people who can't keep their word. People who say they will behave under certain circumstances and then the circumstance occurs and they behave like jerks. They don't hold up in their self-manifested life. They can't deal with the situation they created, nor are they necessarily honest enough to admit that they can't deal with it. Rare, but it does show up, is the person who is aware that they are reacting in a way that is surprising to them self. I appreciate that level of self-observation and awareness. But more often is the case that you're dealing with someone who is completely unaware that they are reacting/behaving in a way that is different from what they communicated to you.

Or what they committed to you.

Which brings another topic which is sore of late. Commitment. Promises. Keeping your word. Situations change. Contracts must be renegotiated. Needs and wants change.  So why should I be surprised when I'm no longer the confidant? When I know exactly which position I'm in, because I've experienced the other side of it. When I know the reasons you're flaking out, and what you truly mean by your commitment. And I remember all the promises you ever made me, and how you broke them all. Why should this promise, this commitment be any different.

E tu Brutus?

HeAeon

You asked for it and I deliver. That picture over there is me in my Aeon Flux costume - which totally kicks the movie costume's ass. Gloria took this picture a few hours ago when I went on a killing spree. If you ask nicely, maybe I'll send you the secret link to the entire photo album.

Yes, I'm wearing it for Halloween. Anyone having a party?

I'm a handy homeowner

Even after three glasses of wine in my grandmother's antique glassware, I am able to decipher the crusted directions on the wall heaters of the house and lite the pilot lights. I feel so competent.

Give a little

"From what we get, we can make a living; what we give however, makes a life." - Arthur Ashe

You'll notice there's a new section on the blog called "Tip Jar" where you can leave me a monetary tip via Paypal.

This is your chance to show your support. If you've enjoyed reading my posts, found value in my observations or generally want to support the cause, please deposit a tip. For the cost of a latte, I'll know you care.

Falling off the edge

or, "even the best laid plans often go awry."

You can start with a plan and attempt to stick to it, or you can ride the tsunami the universe sends your way. This is fluidity. Against all previous plans and decisions made in moral logic, I headed north this past weekend to a place I had wanted to visit for years. The Racetrack in Death Valley. But that wasn't the first stop.

A late start from LA getting the land cruiser set up. Throwing camping gear in, forgetting the maps, no real destination in mind. We headed up the 14 to land somewhere in the desert. My original plan (well plan B of the weekend) was to head east to long deserted location in the Old Woman Mountains. But that did not come to pass. Instead the Land Cruiser veered north east into the valley of death, stopping for the night in a town of ghosts: Ballart where we had the entire place to ourselves, except for the one caretaker. We meandered around the town, watch the sun set and stars come out. Sunday we were up early with the plan to do a serious hike, but one look at the gas tank and we decided we needed to find a gas station. This took us out of hiking way but jogged my brain and I remembered the racetrack - a mysterious lake bed in the northern part of Death Valley where rocks apparently move around of their own volition. It is only accessable by 4WD. I've never had the luck to be in Death Valley with a 4WD vehicle, the time and the memory of this dream. This time the stars lined up. We filled up the butch and drove up to Scotty's Castle, passed the Ubehebe Crater and headed to the Racetrack. Pictures are for the asking (email or comment) but video is posted here:

• A panoramic of the racetrack
• A view from the grandstand top.
• The bumpy ride

motivations

My best friend can harass me for months and I do nothing, yet the boyfriend makes one comment yesterday and I am provoked to act. Lady Knight has lain sleeping below my bedroom for months. From the first day she came to the future back in February. Until today.

I charged her dead battery and choked life out of her pipes. She coughed and sputtered and yet came alive. I gassed her up, filled her tires and then we kissed the wind. I accelerated stupidly. I leaned through the turns. Left foot remembering the clutch shift like a familiar kiss. Long, sweet, with just enough friction. My rubber on the pavement. Boots, tires. Leather twisting open the throttle.

I'm glad to have her back.

surprise!

a friend reminds me

"without ME, it's just AWESO"

 

A Life in Eternal Bliss

I was rereading the blog of an old colleague, Uwe, and came across this post which I pilfer and post here:

Bluntly put: spend your life in the eternal bliss of always having something to hope for, something to wait for, plans not realized, dreams not come true.... Make sure you have new points on the horizon, that you purposely create. And at the same time, relive your memories, uphold and cherish them, keep them alive and share them, talk about them. Make plans and take pictures.

Wow, that blows my mind. To spend my life in eternal bliss, and that that's possible? Now, I'm challenged not only to realize my constantly changing dream life, but to live it in eternal bliss.

Wow. But I guess that's what I already do.

spinning wheel of adventure

Drinking coffee in the kitchen this morning I was reminded of a dream. A silver spinning globe was poised on my right index finger. It wobbled as my hand moved and then I straightened it up. I realized it was a globe, spinning, spinning, spinning. A question formed in my mind. Where's the next adventure? The globe started to slow and I started to realize it was the earth. I took my left index finger and dragged it across the spinning surface slowing it even further. Still the planet was blurred, until it stopped on a continent that will remain a mystery to everyone, except myself, until the plane tickets are booked.

books in my bed

I've always got books on shelves, in stacks on the floor, on my bedside tables and in the bed. It's not surprising for me to roll over into a pile of books. Here's what I found in my bed this morning:

• The Specter Offroad Catalog
• China Mievelle's, The Scar
• my Rio de Janeiro guidebook
• The original 8 issue series of Elektra Assassin
• The full set of Guides to Lost Wonder

The one and only Wa!

It was one of my favorite gigsvillan's birthday yesterday so we accompanied her to MirrorMask and later to the SF Saloon. Pictures of the fun are here.

Obsessing over wall coverings

I have a passion for office supplies and the apple of my office supply eye fetish is the white board. I've got one in my bedroom, but I have a problem, it's not big enough. What I really covet is a white board wall.

You've seen them in all the Internet tech offices. An entire wall covered in whiteboard material that I can draw, color, take notes on. My current whiteboard has my notes for the "Enlightenment by driving in LA" series. It's jam packed, and I need more space to note all the other things I have in my brain at the moment. Clean out the psychic RAM so I can use the space to run programs on. So yeah, I'm coveting this. Maybe I'll just go out to the office supply store this afternoon.

"Focus on your goals,
Just don't get caught focusing."

ready to jump off the cliff full throttle

I'm inspired. Just when I start to get down and sad and wondering where the magic in my life has gone, even though I manifest it constantly and write how to do it on my blog, there's a light - or more likely a reminder in the form of a thunderbolt. (51: Thunder twice, shock and awe - ha ha).

I hung out with my friend, Carmen, tonight. I am in awe with her. Mint tea at Prasadam in Silverlake, getting caught up on the recent events. Learning a new way of organizing. Reminded of ways of living. I downloaded Big Time Sensuality by Bjork last week on my radio show at her reminder of the song, but really my favorite Bjork is "It's oh so quiet" because it is just so perfect. So fucking perfect it's bittersweet.

The universe wants you to be authentic. In any situation if you are authentic to yourself, it turns out perfectly. That's what perfection is - authenticity. Why fight against the tide? Ride the wave and see where it takes you. But then the fear. What if it's not where I want to go? Ah, Heather, remember the goal in mind is not necessarily a goal of location. And you will always reach your destination. And you always reach your goals or become unimportant.

"I don't know my future after this weekend, and I don't want to."
- BTS, Bjork

And I can manifest everything I need, if I don't have it already. That's the most important thing to remember.

being #2

I really shouldn't blog about this, but it's on my mind. When you're #2 behind the x-gf, it's sometimes hard to take the relationship seriously. It is good to practice detachment. Am I really going to give it my all if I know the guy is not totally available? Then again maybe I shouldn't ask questions like "If "X" would take you back, would you?" or "What is the thing that you don't want me to know?" I want to know the answers, because I want to know what kind of playing field I'm working with. Still...

Mr Jauntie in the house

Just sending some props out to you. I'll see you next weekend, in your Mojave lair. Please be nice. Don't mix things up too much in my life. I can already see your not-so-secret footprint around current works.