heathervescent: Portland Wedding Recap

My brother's wedding was a big jumble of a series of emotions of various extremes. From being the big sister helping out to take the pressure off the wedding couple, playing interference with various family members, to losing it and a late night call to United to reschedule my flight home (to the next flight out of here) to mixed feeling about marriage, in general and personally.

Let's start with the easy stuff. Here are the photo albums from the week. I met a totally cool and amazing couple - Matt and Colleen - some of Chad and Shanon's friends from Chicago. They were totally awesome and made my trip in so many ways. I hope I don't lose touch with them.

Portland Bliss: Pictures around Chad and Shanon's house. The stuff I like.
Pre-Wedding: Some pics before the wedding.
Wedding: I didn't take any pictures, but handed off my camera to Colleen, who took a few pictures.

Let's just recap my feelings on marriage to give you a feeling of the conflict in my system. I had a great marriage with an amazing person. I drug myself away from that, because of what I have to do in my life. If I wanted to have a picture perfect marriage for a lifetime with a single person, I had that chance. I walked away from it. I believed in this vision, this idea of a marriage of a lifetime, even though I knew from the beginning that I couldn't do it this time round. The possibility, the potential is there, with so many people (people I could have it with), but not for me. I was willing to try, and I had a great time, was aware of the magic and perfectness as I lived it. Knowing that perfection would end. (Maybe this is melodramatic, but whatever.)

So here I see in my brother's face, this thing that I cannot do. Their satisfaction. It makes me happy that I can see this, that they can do this. I'm not in the least bit jealous, I'm sad. And that makes me feel strange. I don't wish to have done anything different in my life. I don't regret getting married or divorced. I was aware in the experience, and in that awareness is sadness.

Then let's throw into the mix, that even with all of this, I am not opposed to getting married again. I don't know why, even with my jadedness and issues of lifetime commitment bullshit. But still, I must not be jaded enough or maybe I'm a silly romantic. I heard their vows - of the future. And I thought, I don't want to live in the future (although, ironically I literally do) I want to live in the present. So I'll never make a vow of tomorrow, I'll make only a vow of today. And for now, I can only make that to myself. And sometimes I even have trouble with that.