heathervescent

Wild Fire

Offret - Sacrificatio
directed by Andrei Tarkovesky (who directed the original Solaris)

Alexander, a journalist and former actor and philosopher, tells his little son how worried he is about the lack of spirituality of modern mankind. In the night of his birthday, the third world war breaks out. In his despair Alexander turns himself in a prayer to God, offering him everything to have the war not happened at all.

--
The change in winds being covered this morning in the LA wild fires reminded me of this movie I saw years ago. The universe does indeed make bargains.

Heart's Desire: Say Thank You

Congratulations. You've manifested your heart's desire. It was no small work. You put your all into it. You had faith. You're sitting on your fabulous new couch. Yours, all because of your hard work.

Step 6 says "Thank You". Acknowledge what you did. Savor your moment of success.

Thank the universe. Thank anyone who helped you. Most of all, thank yourself. In following the previous 5 steps, you probably did something new. Not only do I hope you have your heart's desire. But in going through the steps you got in touch with the power you have as a human to dream, define and manifest the kind of life you dream, desire and deserve.

Heart's Desire: See your Success

Carmen de Jesus, my hypnotherapist, said earlier this week when I was angsting about finding something...

"How could it be that something you imagine can not NOT exist? If you can imagine it, it is real on some level."

Carmen's quote is the perfect accompaniment for Step 5 in how to get your heart's desire.

In step 5, you change your focus from keeping your heart's desire at a distance to seeing yourself with your heart's desire up close and personal. Let's use the couch as an example.

You know you want a new couch. You've gotten rid of the old couch. You've researched what kind of couch you want and where to get it. You've made a physical daily reminder of your desire to get a new couch.

Now, see the new couch in your room. How does it look? How does it feel to lay on the couch? How are you interacting with it? Are you watching television with your roommate? Are you having steamy sex with your girlfriend on it? Is it leather? Is it soft? How does it feel? How do you feel with it?

Do this daily before you close your eyes and drift into hypnogogic dreamland. Lay on your back. Relax your body: your muscles, your stomach, your forehead, your hands, your jaw, your throat, your breathing, your heart. Remind yourself of your heart's desire. See it. Have answers to the types of questions above in the couch example. You should have a specific vision of what it is like to have your heart's desire in your life. How are you behaving with it? How do you feel? What's it like to have your dream/heart's desire come true?

In step 5, you are literally seeing the future, your future. Try it, tonight. What do you have to lose?

I wish this was true

New Favorite Song: Time Won't Wait

Is a remixed version of Jamiroquai's "Time Won't Wait" I pulled from the Funkin' Jamiroquai site. I'll be playing this on my show tonight on Theory Radio in the 9pm west coast hour. Tune in.

Change in the Portland Airport

I took this picture at a coffee shop in the Portland Airport. I really liked it.

Portland Wedding Recap

My brother's wedding was a big jumble of a series of emotions of various extremes. From being the big sister helping out to take the pressure off the wedding couple, playing interference with various family members, to losing it and a late night call to United to reschedule my flight home (to the next flight out of here) to mixed feeling about marriage, in general and personally.

Let's start with the easy stuff. Here are the photo albums from the week. I met a totally cool and amazing couple - Matt and Colleen - some of Chad and Shanon's friends from Chicago. They were totally awesome and made my trip in so many ways. I hope I don't lose touch with them.

• Portland Bliss: Pictures around Chad and Shanon's house. The stuff I like.
• Pre-Wedding: Some pics before the wedding.
• Wedding: I didn't take any pictures, but handed off my camera to Colleen, who took a few pictures.

Let's just recap my feelings on marriage to give you a feeling of the conflict in my system. I had a great marriage with an amazing person. I drug myself away from that, because of what I have to do in my life. If I wanted to have a picture perfect marriage for a lifetime with a single person, I had that chance. I walked away from it. I believed in this vision, this idea of a marriage of a lifetime, even though I knew from the beginning that I couldn't do it this time round. The possibility, the potential is there, with so many people (people I could have it with), but not for me. I was willing to try, and I had a great time, was aware of the magic and perfectness as I lived it. Knowing that perfection would end. (Maybe this is melodramatic, but whatever.)

So here I see in my brother's face, this thing that I cannot do. Their satisfaction. It makes me happy that I can see this, that they can do this. I'm not in the least bit jealous, I'm sad. And that makes me feel strange. I don't wish to have done anything different in my life. I don't regret getting married or divorced. I was aware in the experience, and in that awareness is sadness.

Then let's throw into the mix, that even with all of this, I am not opposed to getting married again. I don't know why, even with my jadedness and issues of lifetime commitment bullshit. But still, I must not be jaded enough or maybe I'm a silly romantic. I heard their vows - of the future. And I thought, I don't want to live in the future (although, ironically I literally do) I want to live in the present. So I'll never make a vow of tomorrow, I'll make only a vow of today. And for now, I can only make that to myself. And sometimes I even have trouble with that.

happiness is two heathers

It's Heather Joy and Heathervescent! Thanks to Art for taking the photo. Juxtapose these energetic ones with this one from a mere month ago.

Just when I was feeling insecure, I still feel insecure

I find this post about how cool I am. I wonder who's blog it is. Phoebe maybe? She totally rocked when I worked with her back at AOHell. Oh yeah. It turns out to be her. Blogstalking in the works.

Yes, I was just perusing the web (distracted from my QAing) thinking how I don't get many comments or random emails asking me out on dates (believe it or not, I've only gotten about 2 of these in the 2+ years of blogging here). Not that I'm asking for them. That's way less from when I did my overnight radio show. (I would get calls from random guys asking me out after I did my air breaks, just by the mere sound of my voice.) G has gotten way more comment posts and personal emails from her blog, that's been up for 2 weeks or less, than I've gotten in the last month or so. That's great for her blog and I'm happy about it, but it makes me wonder about my own. Are the majority of my readers lurkers? Is my content really so egotistical that no one finds it interesting? That depresses me. It's true, I do this thing mostly for myself. But I do get a fair amount of hits. Comparison sucks, but I still do it. Like leaving the house, I like feedback. Nothing on the current series of dream actualization. Are my posts so out there that my readers don't know what to think? Are my words vague gibberish that sounds like English but comes out crazy? Or maybe what I write is just so obviously common sense to everyone except me. Would it be better if I talk about my love of driving or something more mundane or specific?

Don't worry. I'm already working on my next series that will teach you how to be enlightened by driving in Los Angeles. It's true.

doing what I love

I'm sitting here QAing, screenshooting, editing, excelling, ctrl-tabbing, listening to Steely Dan. Thinking about the Bay Area. Cafes, conversations, bookstores. It makes me look forward to reading in the bathtub and Friday.

2000 places of pi

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459
 230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384
 460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294
 895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914
 564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631
 558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046
 652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179
 310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912983
 367336244065664308602139494639522473719070217986094370277053921
 717629317675238467481846766940513200056812714526356082778577134
 275778960917363717872146844090122495343014654958537105079227968
 925892354201995611212902196086403441815981362977477130996051870
 72113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083
 026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083
 814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823537875937
 519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989380952
 572010654858632788659361533818279682303019520353018529689957736
 225994138912497217752834791315155748572424541506959508295331168
 617278558890750983817546374649393192550604009277016711390098488
 240128583616035637076601047101819429555961989467678374494482553
 797747268471040475346462080466842590694912933136770289891521047
 521620569660240580381501935112533824300355876402474964732639141
 992726042699227967823547816360093417216412199245863150302861829
 745557067498385054945885869269956909272107975093029553211653449
 872027559602364806654991198818347977535663698074265425278625518
 184175746728909777727938000816470600161452491921732172147723501
 414419735685481613611573525521334757418494684385233239073941433
 345477624168625189835694855620992192221842725502542568876717904
 946016534668049886272327917860857843838279679766814541009538837
 863609506800642251252051173929848960841284886269456042419652850
 222106611863067442786220391949450471237137869609563643719172874
 677646575739624138908658326459958133904780275901

"A good value can be obtained by stopping the experiment at an optimal moment."

Heart's Desire: Sharpen your Skills

Step four in how to get your heart's desire is to sharpen your skills. You know what you want, you have room for it and you have a physical manifestation that you can see everyday. Now ask yourself, do you need to learn anything to get your heart's desire? Where can you sell that sofa? What about that book on debt reduction? Where's that financial planning website? Do you need to amend your soil for the roses to grow? Where you gonna find that quality guy? Who offers tango dancing lessons in the evening?

Research, research, learn, learn.

Then there is the sharpening of yourself. Pay attention to the world. To the people in the world. To yourself in the world. Take a moment to look around yourself. To look beyond yourself. To see beyond the world. Pay attention to the light that shines through the cracks. The universe speaks to you in this light (even when it is night). Through the wind moving leaves on a tree. Through all those green lights you just hit (or that series of red lights telling you to slow down). Through the synchronicity that happen. The people you run into in the airport. Sharpen your ability to see these things. To feel these moments. Hone your ability to tune in and be part of the world you live in.

works well under pressure

I work best when the world is spinning around me. When I am the calm in the storm. When I jet my hands out into the tornado only to snatch a bit of this or that. It's not multi-tasking, it's multi-whirl-winding. My x-husband used to tell me that sometimes, he just had to step back and get out of my way, lest get caught in the blaze. He also likened me to a bull plowing through the field with nothing but flowers in my wake. I think those are compliments.

Thursday my brother got married in Portland on the top of a mountain. It was also the day I had to get my biz partner a last minute document. There I was, editing away, taking screenshots, writing emails, between making sandwiches, stopping by the salon to drop off the bride, pick her up, burn cds, make ipod playlists, synch playlists, make more sandwiches, pick up flowers, send emails, take screenshots, make ipod playlists, take phone calls, get dressed, etc. Yes, it was like that. Tension was high. It was a wedding day. It was a deadline.

Everything happened as it was supposed to. Vows were made. It didn't rain. Pictures were taken. Emails were sent. Documents were faxed. Music was played. Two people got married.

Portland Fortunes

I got the following fortune in a cookie at the Thai Restaurant just around the corner on Hawthorne:

"You are in for an enlightening experience."

It's never been so obvious before. And my response was, "of course"!

Rob Bresney writes:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): "Ninety-nine percent of the world is asleep,"
Meg Ryan's character tells Tom Hanks' character in the film, *Joe Versus
the Volcano.* "The one percent that is awake remains in a constant state
of amazement." I nominate you Aquarians to be the ringleaders of that
one percent in the coming week. The astrological omens suggest you will
be shocked awake (but in a friendly way!) by a minor miracle, whereupon
you will be visited by a steady surge of beguiling ephemera, curious
teachings, and changes that inspire quiet awe, not to mention sudden
deliverances from boring evils and enigmatic delights generated by
unseen presences.

Well, I sure will be interested to see what happens over the next couple days.

dogs

Dogs are attention hogs. Or at least the ones at my brother's house. Don't get me wrong. They are great beings and the Moki dog doesn't hound for attention as much as the Mole and Meat bag (aren't those great names?!) but still....

Redesign alert

It's about time that heathervescent gets a face lift. I'm currently on the second design of this site as powered by Movable Type on Typepad. SixApart has been great at getting out new features and I've been lax at using them. There have been a lot of things I wanted to do with the site but couldn't because of Weblog authoring UI tools. (No, I shudder to go back to HMTL coding in notepad, and for some reason IBM can not fix my CD-ROM, therefore my Dreamweaver CD remains in it's plastic sleeve.

However, working on Gloria's Be Reckless blog, which uses Typepad as well, I found there are modules that offer a lot of flexibility. That's what that "Some Stuff" mish-mash over to the left under my photo is all about. All the playing makes me think back to things I wanted to do, so now I'm thinking about a redesign.

With that in mind, I'd like to ask you, my dear readers, what you would like to see. Do you think my blog is a bunch of ego-centric ramblings? Why do you read it? Are you interested in my resources around LA? Around other parts of the world/US? Are you one of those x-friend stalkers who got written off (or wrote yourself off) a few years ago when I left the Bay Area? That x-fiancee from 10 years ago? Or just some random Google search black hole? Well, whatever. Tell me what you'd like to see. Cause I want to know.

I could live here

There's nothing like a perfect day here in Portland to start my mind thinking. I'm up here for my brother's wedding. The sky is blue and the weather is beautiful. The sun is bright but not hot on the 8' tall sunflowers that frame the driveway.

Driving around Hawthorne I am looking at the many houses. It's been described as "hippies with money". That's a good description. I've thought about moving here. And there is a plan in the back of my mind that brings me north in a couple years.

But some plans are not really plans, they are instead dreams I know will change and fail their fruition. That's OK. It's still fun to dream them. Doors open and possibilities wink themselves into existence in a moment. And then, the possibility closes and another dream enjoyed it's kernel of possibility before melting into a sea of potential, only to rise again.

I can tell the difference between these two types of plans. The dreams that will manifest and the ones that are mere masturbation. Non-realities of this reality. Still, sometimes it's hard to taste the difference in the moment, when you're wrapped up in their greasy hamburger paper and the special sauce tastes so good and the universe gives you a fine day to dream it in.

Heart's Desire: Physical Manifestation

You know what you want. You have room for it. Now, manifest this in the world.

This can be done in a variety of ways, and I have my favorite. Write it down. Make a description, a list of what you want. I've recently started using a Daruma, a Japanese doll-type item.

At burning man, I made Teletubbie Darumas. They were Teletubbies with a cell phone key pad that played music and other annoying sounds and also had a flashlight. I painted their eyes white and sprayed them with glitter.

A Daruma starts with two blank white eyes. You color in one eye when you manifest your desire or wish. I also like to decorate my daruma with words or pictures or symbols that respresent my desire. Then I hang it up in a prominent place, one I will see every day. This is not only a daily reminder of my wish, but a physical manifestation. When your desire has manifested and your dream come true, you color in the other eye and then destroy (usually by fire) the doll.

If you are interested in a Teletubbie Daruma, I can hook you up. Send me an email or post a message in the comments.

Heart's Desire: Have Room for it

The second step towards getting your heart's desire it to have the space for it. Space can be physical or emotional or something else. First, you've defined what it is you most passionately want with all of your heart. So you know exactly what it is. Now, ask yourself, do you actually have room for it to manifest in your life? How would it manifest?

• You want a new sofa? Do you actually have space for your new sofa? What about the shaggy old thing in the corner with a slipcover on it?
• You want a girlfriend but are in a safe but unfulfilling relationship? What about your girlfriend that broke up with you last year? (or that wife that left you hanging?) Are you over her yet, or do you still dream of her coming back? Where's the room in your heart?
• You want to be a millionaire? Do you have a financial planner? Do you have bank accounts in good standing ready to deposit your million into? What about a clean credit card that you pay off each month?
• What about a beautiful garden? What are those weeds doing there?

Remember, picking something small and specific will prove the best possibility for success in your endeavor to actualize your dream.

If you realize you don't have room for your heart's desire, do not fret, it's time to make room. And that can be fun. Once you make a commitment to something, the universe responds in ways you cannot imagine. Reread this story on embarking for Everest.

• Remove the sofa
• Release/resolve the emotions.
• Pay off your credit cards.
• Pull weeds one afternoon.

Make making room fun and light. Because, it's all about making your dream come true. And the path towards it should be full of delight.

on predestiny

It's all predestined, until you put it all on the table. And even that, may be predestined.

marriage in portland and downtown LA

My brother is getting married in one week. It's kind of surreal and normal at the same time. I'm not surprised that he is getting married to my soon to be sister-in-law (whom I totally love and she rocks and is amazingly great). It's just that, my little brother - Chad - whose arm I broke 25 years ago is you know, getting married. I think it's great. Marriage can be a great thing. I had a great marriage for many years and even going through the divorce I did, I would still consider getting married again - abet next time with certain discussions up front. Then again, I know a lot more about myself now and what I want in my life. It's a lot clearer, but I'm sure it will change just the same. And I'll change.

All these thoughts on marriage remind me of something I saw Saturday. Patrick and I were kicking around downtown LA. Checking out the Bradbury Building, Central Market walking down Broadway and ducking into a tiny picturesque alley with eateries. As we walked back to the car, we stumbled upon the Guadalupe Chapel that offered not only weddings (casamentos) but also divorces. I was in awe of what I saw from the street and the music was spilling out. I dragged Patrick in to take a look at their 5 separate chapels to choose from. I can not tell you how surreal it was. Small rooms, with tiny sets of pews and an altar in front with roses or other floral arrangements and Jesus Maria. Ceilings painted with flowers or a fluffy cloud sky. I felt completely discombobulated and out of whack. Thankfully we left. But still, I have the memory, tiny chapels and women waiting on benches in white wedding gowns.

Heart's Desire: Know what you want

The first step to getting  your heart's desire is to know what it is.

Do you dream of flying? Having an available boyfriend? A different job? Financial freedom? A new car? A beautiful garden?

First things first, know what you want. And be as specific as possible. The universe responds more readily to specific requests that are not out of proportion. Start with small items until you have honed your own dream actualization skills. Write your heart's desire down on a piece of paper and let it percolate in your brain and body and life to see if it's really what you want or just representative of something else. The trick with this step is to listen to your heart.

sometimes it's a good night

Well, the radio show reading Faerie Tales went splendidly tonight. I was inspired and made cookies before the show. Oatmeal-chocolate-chip-hazelnut-pecan-dried-cherry yummies. Chock full of tasties. Needless to say, I didn't bring any home and they went pretty quickly. The show started out a little slow - I was solo and started reading tales from "The Stinky Cheese Man and other stupid tales." I love these little ditties. Then the show heated up a bit and I played music I like and read some other stories. Three Billy Goat's Gruff - which I hadn't heard in a long time. The Gingerbread Man. Wa's story about Santa. I read some Pippi Longstocking. And then the peeps started coming by. It was a WND at Barbara's so folks came over to get cookies. And then the next thing I knew, the studio was completely full and I was reading my favorite childhood story: Aldous Huxley's Crows of Pearblossom. I don't know if they were shocked, amused or annoyed, but I had a great time. And then the truly gruesome tales came out, when I opened up Grim's Grimmest and read a couple pretty difficult stories. Still, I love them and I hope my listeners did too. Thanks, it was a great evening.

How to get your Heart's Desire in 6 easy steps

When I was at Burning Man this year, I taught a class on how to get your Heart's Desire. It was early in the week and yet, the Moroccan Tent where I was teaching the class was packed. Not everyone who wanted to attend was able to - and I ran out of materials - primarily the Teletubbie Darumas, which were part of step 3. For those who couldn't make it, I've outlined the steps below.

1. Know what you want.
2. Have room in your life for it.
3. Physical Manifestation
4. Sharpen your Skills
5. See your success
6. Say Thank You

In the next week, I'll pick each step and elaborate on it, so you my dear readers, can have your heart's desire as well.

Introducing Be Reckless

It's finally here, it's the blog you've all been waiting for. If you haven't learned from reading this blog, how to live your life with vim and adventure then you can drink from another fountain of experience. The Reckless blog is online. And soon, you'll be able to buy the book in stores everywhere - or even from this site.  Check out my insanely fabulous roommates new blog promoting her new book - which celebrates that spark inside you, that makes you jump into the ether and feel the wind on your face as you accelerate to living your life with more passion.

head outta the clouds

but the feet have yet to hit solid ground.

words I love

"i love you, heather.  love yourself." I need to remember these when all hell breaks loose, like it has the past week.

Free wood = Fire

Free wood = big fire in the car-b-que for the annual Sunday night pot-luck at Gigsville. Seared meat = yum. More pictures can be found here.

That red neon in the back is the Uberman rising above Black Rock City. It's neon hand announces that it's time for pie. Don't you feel like a slice of pie right now?

fork in the road

I arrived back in Los Angeles a mere few hours ago. The truck is packed with playa dusted costumes, coolers full of trash. I'm home and things have changed.

There's a fork in the road. And I know which side I am taking. I had a most fantastic week. I'll give you a few highlights while I compose my mind and re-assemble my life.

- Hours in the medic clinic with the IV drip (on the second day!)
- Unicorns, unicorns, unicorns
- Rides on Dezee's flyer, Doc's cat and Splat's diner car - all amazing and wonderful
- Letting my inner pyro free and throwing pallets, butane cans, paint cans and propane into the car-b-que. Getting wild off the fire and stoking and building it over and over.
- Completely and utter defecting to Gigsville from my previously schedule camp across the street
- The Uber man. A metal man larger than the burning man that rose above Black Rock City and stood flashing neon "Time for Pie" all night. The welcome beacon home. Not to mention my face on the uberman and Thriller karoke complete with the dance.
- Fireworks
- Magic
- Talks with the wind
- Amazing fire art (dance dance immolation, synapses and things I do not know the name of)

and most of all, most importantly, connecting with a group of people and a specific one at that. In the past few months, I've been continuously impressed with my new friends as I've worked with them on the uberman and gigsville projects. As I spent time hanging out with them at the car-b-que, on art cars and around the playa I became happier and happier. I love these people. I had an amazing time. My mind was blown.

Now, I assimilate, and continue to live my life as fully as I can, with the effervescent I've always had. Oh yeah, and we're bringing back one of my old nicknames - hbomb. Pictures forthcoming of why the name returns. It's good to be home, but I do miss the playa already.