I had a boyfriend once who did everything he could to spend every moment with me. He was constantly changing his schedule to meet up with me. I did the same. I'd take 2+ hour lunches. He's drive an extra 50 miles to take me to lunch. We call and coordinate and then call and change when something changed. He'd call when he had a moment. Email when he was by a computer. I checked my email constantly. He was devoted to the love, passion, the possibility. It made me feel important and special.
In some ways it was a great experience. But at the same time it put a lot of pressure on both of us and the relationship. On the US in the relationship. The relationship was more important than a lot of things in our lives. The gym, other friendships and relationships, business. We both were great at dealing with changes and taking advantage of the situation. But, what about the ME part of the relationship? What about the ME that was the interesting thing to get in a relationship in the first place? So much for that huh?Well, actually the ME part was very important. We had a great time, he was a major catalyst and I went through one of the most self-observing and self-learning parts of my life.
Nowdays, my life is a lot more about me. I'm not under the previous scrutiny. In fact, I feel very relaxed. I'm happy with who I am. The way my life has become. What I am doing. Who is in it. The challenges, the possibilities.
Ah, possibilities, potentials. I see trajectories. Various possibilities. Various future lives of Heather. Really it comes down to what I want to do with my life - what I want to do IN my life, and not focus on the possibilities. Although being open to the situation.
So I'm cool interacting with people with their own full lives. I'm not in any hurry to do anything. I've worked hard to feel comfortable being who I am, alone. Not part of a relationship. I'm interested to see how the bud unfolds. A new point of view. Holding judgments and sentiments that a mere year ago I would have made. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Today, I use that energy for other activities. And love as fully as I can with an abstract affection. A detached affection that can be gone in an instant and hang for an infinite moment.
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