I am in control

I know that just by typing up this post, my life will go into a completely unbeknownst to me direction, but I type it none-the-less. The past few days and weeks I've had this feeling of ... I don't know... complete control over my life. That I am living exactly the life I dreamt of. And yet, I am not in control. And yet, I am in control. I don't know every little thing that will happen. Nor am I necessarily upset by things happening in life. Perhaps it's because I know I can change my perspective or attitude and be fine with various situations. But it's also because of a new view based on my experience with my Grandmother's death. Everything in my life pales to that experience. Because of seeing death, I know that I can accomplish anything I could possibly want in my life. There is a series of steps and there you go. You do it. You align your self, your attitudes, your power, your energy and (like Nike has trademarked) Just. Do. It.

This is a liberating feeling. I look at the goals for this year and how I am on track with them. Then I think about the biggest challenge I currently face. Getting my company funded. (A big secret I don't really talk about on the blog.) But even that is doable and I will succeed. So what next. What huge big goals can I put in front of me like a carrot for the adventure that is my life. It took a mere walk in the woods on Mt Wilson yesterday to solve that problem. To allow my mind to dream really really big. Of course I have dreams of property and building houses and community and being an artist in a warehouse in Tuscan. And all those things used to be pie in the sky dreams. However now, I can see the direct path to making them my reality. A very clear, yet twisted, tangled, turned back upon itself path, but a clear one none-the-less.

So beyond that. What can I dream? Walking around Mt Wilson, I dreamt of a desert mountain with a dome, hammocks and telescope. How cool would that be? What about a scientific discovery that would change the course of humanity or science or the way we see our world? Now, that's a worthy lofty goal. A challenge to change the world scientifically in a significant way. So there dear world. That's the new challenge for Heather's adventure of life. Not one that I will start on anytime soon, but a kernel in the back of my head to percolate and gather energy, as I pay attention to the world in which I walk.

Comments

[Chad]

Was your grandmother your first experience with death?

[Thogek]

"And yet, I am not in control. And yet, I am in control."

This argument has likely gone on in many a head since the beginning of thought. To me, it is worth a great deal to recognize and accept that I am *not* in control of my own life; no one truly can be. However, I am (or, at least, I should be) in control of my own self -- my decisions, my actions, my reactions, etc. -- and as such, I have the ability to be a (if not the) major driver in my own life.

There are far too many variables in one's life to claim to be able to control them all. But to be able to master one's self, one can become, if not the infallable commander of the winds and seas, at least the captain of one's own ship.

Not that I claim to have mastered myself, by any means. But that would seem the immediate goal, the platform on which everything else can be discovered and built.

[deathovescent-answervescent]

I have experienced death before, but not the death of the most important person in my life.

--

I suppose control might be the wrong word. Being in tune with the ebb and flow of the world. Knowing when to dive into the wave or jump over or deciding which one you want to do at that moment.

Mastering oneself is merely the first step. Awareness makes living infinitely interesting.

[Thogek]

True. Mastering oneself (IMO) isn't just about self-control. I think awareness/mindfulness -- a.k.a. being "in tune" -- is a necessary part of such mastery. Listening to the inside as well as the out, and the harmonics between the two.

Something like that.