The past few days I have spent in a hospital room with my dying grandmother. She is the one person in this universe who I am the closest to and because of our connection some very interesting things have occurred. I have been dreaming of her, even before I took a flight to the Midwestlast Tuesday. In my dreams, I saw her in a hospital room, I saw myself in the room with her. And I now have experienced being in that room with her in the linear time we call reality.
I arrived on Tuesday evening and went straight to the hospital from the airport. Everything was as I had dreampt it. I sat down and held her hand. She looked as I had seen her in my dreams. She expressed some things and I immediately recognized them. I knew exactly what she was experiencing and what she was trying to communicate.
I was a bit shell shocked and went home to sleep. That night I had many dreams, dreams from my grandmother’s side of the mirror. In the morning I was left with tiny fragments of the dream, however in the course of the day, the fragments became pieces of a broken mirror.
As I spent time with my grandmother; talking, listening to music, feeding her, taking care of her, I had an interesting déjà vu feeling. I felt like I was living the same experience, but from another point of view, from another person. In my dreams, I was my grandmother. I knew the difficulty of focusing, trying to communicate, the pain, the release of pain. I was her in my dreams and heather during the daytime. It’s not that I knew the future when I awoke, my activities during the day triggered my dream memories and the mirror fragments slowly reformed. The difficulty of coughing, eating, giving up eating, being moved, the pain, giving up on living, but not knowing how to die. The enjoyment of music, listening to someone reading, the frustration when not being understood, frustration of body unable to respond.
Then there was the glimpse of respite. The crack opened with light: unknown, and the fear and recoil into the difficulty of pain, color, the world, the known. The light was such a respite, a calm, coolness from the fiery heat of my life. But still the fear and the preference in the known. And then the …moment... when death arrives or comes or I go into the light. And the calming feeling of, why was I afraid?, why didn’t I go sooner and trust? and the compete acceptance of everything I was as I flew into the crack and something completely new expanded and ... and I have no words for what I saw.
I know not how to express what I saw, but I experienced my grandmother’s upcoming death in my dreaming. I experienced it viscerally, physically as she will experience it in the next few days. It is a distinct reminder that we are all beings about to die. And I thank the universe, my grandmother and my energy for this wonderful view.
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