RANT: on patience and persistence

I am very upset about some things. A few days ago I was happy to be who I am. Today, I want to kill myself so as to not ever have to interact with .....idiots.... ever again.

I used to think I was not patient. I know I am very persistent. I know how to stay focused. I know how to get things done. I get them done. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to give people the chance to do what they say they will do. I say my word and keep it, I _expect_ the same of others.

This is a fallacy. And I need to learn it.

Many people do not keep their word. Many people forget from one day to the next. If you expect someone to do what they say they will do, prepare to be disappointed. From returning a couple books you borrowed 6 months ago, to moving out, to a cube with a window. I have been patient. I have been waiting for people to do what they say they will - but they don't. Maybe they forget. Maybe they procrastinate. They just don't do what they say they will. So I get upset. I get REALLY upset. And I take it out on myself. Why do these people expect you to keep your side of the bargain or at least act civilly, when they have not kept their side of the agreement? This is what makes me want to cease to live. This is what makes me want to kill myself. Remove myself from this world so as to never have to interact with these selfish centered fucks.

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am disappointed over and over and over. It's all talk. It's all to calm you down. I'm not asking for much: the return of my books, time spent with you when you're available, money that supports my talents (and the ability to use them) and a work environment that does not suck my soul. But obviously that is too much to ask for. It's more important to sit around and watch TV, to order lunch for the executives, to "pretend" you are part of a life that you're really not. And it's "inappropriate" or "an outburst" or "emotional" to express anger, or sadness about it, because, "Heather, you're just going to have to get over it."

I'm disappointed with my fellow humans. I expected more of them. I expected them to do what they said they would. I'm sad they failed, because in their failing, they have shattered my worldview, which is upsetting.

I've realized I'm extremely patient. I wait until I am over my edge to let someone do what they say they will. I attempt to remedy the problem before it becomes a problem for me to no avail. But I'm not quiet. I don't let you forget. I remind you of the things you said to me. I'm persistent in the patience.

Comments

[yoko]

Good post. When pushed to the edge, I feel much the same way. I'm trying to develop ways to remind people before I lose patience.

[Thogek]

Agreed, all around. Patience is indeed good, and can help one achieve much over time. I see too many kids growing up today with none of it, and fear what they'll grow up into.

But as I've myself been recently re-realizing, patience does have to have its limits, else the mind and soul begin to weather and waste, and *that* extreme is simply not acceptable.

Defining those limits and protecting oneself against them seems to be the elusive trick. And in most fiefdom-driven business environments, these days, this is sadly a very important trick.

In the meantime, persistance is indeed the spine of patience. And a spineless patience is little more than acquiescence.

[Susan Mernit]

hang in there--and keep being persistant.