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"Have you ever thought about the mountain lion and the wolf, and even the smallest and apparently fragile little bird? They don't know where their next meal will come from, neither when and how...yet, they wake up in the morning, happy and confident that... they'll go get it. Why? because that's the nourishment they need to be alive."
Do you want to be tame or wild?
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A lush oasis in the desert. Gardens filled with roses, orchards, flowers. Lush carpets of wine. Salads. The full moon. A top bunk.
Another wonderful weekend in the desert with colleagues I had lost touch with.
The silence of the desert. My leather moccasins sinking into the plush sea of grass.
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Life has seemed to explode again. In these times of activity I take a moment to pause and remember my summer by the beach. When the biggest issue was to decide what to do and the hardest motivation was to get myself down to the beach on my bicycle. In those days, I reminded myself to do as much as I would ever want to do in those days, so that I could remember back on those times fondly and gain the refreshment of the relaxation even in the memory. My awareness has paid off. I remember my afternoons in my apartment, the sunlight streaming through the blinds, the plants growing happily and the sweat on my arms from a recent bike ride. The tan on my face and the complete lack of work clothes in my closet. I remember those feelings, I remember that time. I remember the space of time and it's a breath of fresh air to rat race heather. It's not that I want to return to that lifestyle, I remember it fondly and use it as a gulp of water from a canteen. But the memory is a good reminder to a different lifestyle. I've gotten completely caught up in the rat race again and it's driving me crazy.
Which makes me enjoy all the more a lonely Friday night, on the couch with a book, my laptop and a dog licking his paw nearby. Quiet. No onslaught for the moment. At least until the alarm goes off tomorrow at 6 and it's time to pack for another weekend in the Mojave. This time, it's intense.
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I've posted photos from my recent Joshua Tree camping trip. Check them out here.
It was a great 3 days in the desert. I earned a new nickname and if you camp with me, you'll find it out. We saw all kinds of wildlife (and heard them too) and I did plenty of rock pile climbing.
Since I just can't get enough of the desert, I'll be back out there this weekend. I need to invest in a 4x4, so if you know where I can get one cheap, let me know.
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When I studied Aikido, I was always more comfortable with Tenkan. It was the clever turning away in response to an attack. Irimi gave me the willies. It was entering fully into the situation. Death or partial destruction always seemed in front of me. But I was always intrigued with irimi. It was my preferred movement, but I didn't feel I had the power to throw these huge guys who were my ukes. When I got over my vision of these huge guys I had a fleeting moment and would successfully catch the feeling of irimi and throw my partner. Not because I could overpower them, but because I had successfully felt the feeling.
Irimi is not only an entering, it is a jump, it is a warrior's stand, fully and completely, grasping at the ethereal knowledge, gaining strength, power, chi, ki. It's a jump into the unknown - it's a jump into presence - moment by moment - fully surround awareness.
It was this feeling that I loved. This entering into the moment with everything that I am - all the power, the knowledge, the raw, the flaw, just me, heather, in the moment. Alive.
I feel that way about many things in my life. Instead of turning away and rolling with the waves, blending and adjusting, I am entering. Fully who I am. Slicing the moment with my arm and entering - the moment holds in the air and is timeless, and in that moment, anything is possible.
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I sit here at my desk. My passport, my Chanel sunglasses, my cell phone charging. The faint smell of paint and still boxes everywhere. I've returned. There's nothing like a few days in the desert, no shower, the rare campground with running water, no journal even to record my thoughts. The silence of the desert. The sounds of quail, coyote, buzzing insects at noon. The wind bobbing the heads of the flowers. The rough surface of eroded rocks. Pressing and stemming up eroded mountains. The hiss of a rattlesnake in a small meadow filled with grasses. Swallows imitating the nearby airforce airplanes buzz runs as I sit in a slight indentation of the rock. Inhaling the wind at night as I look in awe at the soup of our universe. Pinpoints of light, the moon long set. I'm sucked into the night. The wind, the flowers, the plain. I take no light, no water, nothing but myself. I walk into the desert at night, alone with no supplies. I have everything I need. I climb the rocks. I listen to the wind, but her voice is elsewhere. The power of this place has gone. It is a wonderland of rocks. A delight of wildflowers, but the raw desert power, the stuff that makes one wild and mad is not here. The power that pushes one to experience beyond the known experience. Or else, that raw wild power is like a familiar caress on my cheek, as the wind blows my hair into my face. And I feel that caress whether I am in the desert late at night or on the Los Angeles freeway.
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I took some really great footage of the LA SRL show last weekend. It was great to run into old friends from previous life (the 3d VRML SOMA SF life). Be aware, these are fat video files, but of excellent quality. I took these myself on my sony cybershot digital camera. Go to the SRL site to get the URLs and more info or check out links here:
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I had a really great time DJing on Theory Radio last night. I arrived all hurried and rushed and worried and somewhat scared. Would I be able to do the handoff? How do I kick the stream? Would I remember all the mixer slides? Therm stopped me after about 2 minutes and said, you know, you don't have worry about starting on time, it's on robo. Doh, I knew that, but for some reason I stepped right back into my radio persona. I started out the set with a nice mix of electronica: orbital, plone, some classic fripp and eno (which lead us to come up with a new nickname for a resident of Theory Labs Eno: Frippin Eno!) Then it was time for my first break. I put the headphones on and hit the mike mute button and started to talk. I was shy (it has been years since I spoke on the radio) and then started to remember it all and the radio voice came out. The only comment I got was that I sounded like a "real" DJ and my level of professionalism was going to raise the bar and if that's the case then I couldn't DJ. By the end of the show I had repented. Here's what Therm had to say:
For the record, Heathervescence got off to a bit of a rocky start with her show - she transitioned smoothly between songs, announced everything played, and was cool and confident when speaking - but by the end of the 3 hours she was thoroughly indoctrinated into "the Theory Way": Saying she'd played "something else, I forget what", not having songs queued up in time, hesitantly announcing what she was about to play and then
playing something else entirely, and so on.Fear not, fellow DJs, we have successfully prevented the bar from being raised.
Anyway, I'm going to work on getting a regular show and until then I'll fill in and probably join Lucky Dave on a couple of his shows. I'll keep y'all updated and post shows as I know they happen. Rock on!
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I am very upset about some things. A few days ago I was happy to be who I am. Today, I want to kill myself so as to not ever have to interact with .....idiots.... ever again.
I used to think I was not patient. I know I am very persistent. I know how to stay focused. I know how to get things done. I get them done. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to give people the chance to do what they say they will do. I say my word and keep it, I _expect_ the same of others.
This is a fallacy. And I need to learn it.
Many people do not keep their word. Many people forget from one day to the next. If you expect someone to do what they say they will do, prepare to be disappointed. From returning a couple books you borrowed 6 months ago, to moving out, to a cube with a window. I have been patient. I have been waiting for people to do what they say they will - but they don't. Maybe they forget. Maybe they procrastinate. They just don't do what they say they will. So I get upset. I get REALLY upset. And I take it out on myself. Why do these people expect you to keep your side of the bargain or at least act civilly, when they have not kept their side of the agreement? This is what makes me want to cease to live. This is what makes me want to kill myself. Remove myself from this world so as to never have to interact with these selfish centered fucks.
I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am disappointed over and over and over. It's all talk. It's all to calm you down. I'm not asking for much: the return of my books, time spent with you when you're available, money that supports my talents (and the ability to use them) and a work environment that does not suck my soul. But obviously that is too much to ask for. It's more important to sit around and watch TV, to order lunch for the executives, to "pretend" you are part of a life that you're really not. And it's "inappropriate" or "an outburst" or "emotional" to express anger, or sadness about it, because, "Heather, you're just going to have to get over it."
I'm disappointed with my fellow humans. I expected more of them. I expected them to do what they said they would. I'm sad they failed, because in their failing, they have shattered my worldview, which is upsetting.
I've realized I'm extremely patient. I wait until I am over my edge to let someone do what they say they will. I attempt to remedy the problem before it becomes a problem for me to no avail. But I'm not quiet. I don't let you forget. I remind you of the things you said to me. I'm persistent in the patience.
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Last night I joined Lucky Dave of Theory Radio on his show. It was like walking into a memory when I arrived at Theory Labs Radio studio in the Brewery. CDs, electronic equipment, a boom mike, mixers, all things I know and love, with an addition - the Internet and computers. When I did radio about 10 years ago the Internet was just beginning to be know in my college set and although I had an account and a web page, the station didn't do much with it. I originally started using a web page to post my top 10s of my radio show to CMJ about 11-12 years ago. Coding in typepad and uploading files manually. Ah, the good old days of monochromatic monitors.
Anyway, I had a great time hanging out, talking on the radio and helping pick out songs. It felt great to be back and I'm hoping to be "on air" more in the future.
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I've finally gotten around to posting a couple photo albums. New are:
Future Housewarming
Suzanna and Heather in Mojave Desert and Joshua Tree (includes fashion dress up)
and some pictures of us in Vegas by the pool. The water was freaky cold.
Still I need to post my video of the SRL show I attended. I'm in this picture by Scott Beale. (I'm looking directly at the camera, wearing a black jacket and about 2 people back from the guy in Orange - next to Pinky and behind the two asian women.)
I got some kick ass video and need to post it somewhere. I gave it to Karen Marcelo, an old colleague from the VRML days, who will eventually post it to the SRL site. Until that happens, enjoy these pictures.
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If you like the skirt, you should buy some stuff from Da Lata Designs.
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Suz and I spent the day yesterday tooling through the desert. We sped down the 10s carpool lane with the top down, blonde hair blowing in the wind. Heated seats blasting as we observed the snow capped Mt Baldy and Big Bear sky areas. The wind blew most of the trucks and huge-ass SUVs all over the 4 then 3 then 2 lane freeway. We watched it blow the powder on the top of the mountain and then sweep down the side only to be caught in the electrical windmills. So much for that long haul across the Colorado and Mojave.
We headed north to Yucca Valley. I wanted to do a drive by of Joshua Tree. I've been holding my horses to get out to the desert and it's finally paying off. I'll spend 3 weekends out here in the next month. Enough to get my fix, but still I dream of a big old crusty 4x4 with high clearance to visit a certain special place.
Before entering the park we stopped at my favorite internet cafe in the world - the Beatnik cafe in Joshua Tree. We tanked up on espresso drinks and I attempted to write a blog entry (that apparently did not get posted.)
Then it was the winding road. We stopped and climbed around on some rocks. We looked at the high peaks around the Salton Sea. My worldview started warping as I looked upon valley upon valley of Joshua Trees. They are so strange and wonderful and beautiful. The wildflowers were in full array. Near 29 Palms the desert floor was full of yellows and whites and some purples. I stopped in a wash and found a coyote melon, but decided not to take it, as I have never done anything with previous coyote melons.
Then it was the long winding road to Vegas, baby. I took a wrong turn (only noted until much much later) and we headed straight east out of 29 Palms. It was time for top speed testing. Well, not really. I'm sure the saab didn't hit her top speed, but there is only so fast I will go. The road was empty. The desert silent and gorgeous. We skirted the southern edge of the Old Women Mts and I saw Danby Lake. We found a burned out gas station with cars upon appliances upon a skeedoo smashed and trashed and burned up. We stopped and played desert dress up donning high heels, ribbons, lace and rhinestones. Yes, there will be pictures uploaded.
We jellybeaned big rigs on 95 making good time in the black bubble of my car, the desert lights falling and red and purple yellow highlights on the mountains as we made our way to the city of lights. A split second through Searchlight and a memory. The dream. The desert.
Unlike any other time I have visited Vegas, I have left my disgust of consumption and consumer culture somewhere. Why bother despising the place. I get no value out of that. As we drive down the strip looking for our Hotel's entrance, I am amazed. Yes, in these facades there is enlightenment. It's truly amazing that Las Vegas has become what it is.
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