A fun time last night, but I'm reminded of the pre-programmed hard/soft-wired stuff in my body/brain. Eating, drinking, dancing, driving. I love listening to the music and go where it takes me. Pretend to be various roles. I am fully these personalities that come out. I was the jerk with the door guy doing his job. The somewhat drunk girl. Detachedly checking out the scene and people in the scene. Talking to guys, yet trying to appear unavailable. That is somewhat difficult being single and new and friendly and wanting to make connections, but not really in that way. Which causes me to ponder about relationships. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't want a relationship (although there's that one in the background - the third staircase). It's strange though, because, the part of a relationship role is one I've been in for a really long time. It's been a great role, because it has sheltered me from the sexual "onslaught" (whatever) with my unavailability. Now, I've got to create that for myself. And self-subterfuge exists. It's not about control - controlling or "weeding" out these hard and soft wired programming, it's about awareness. Being aware of the pre-programming and knowing what I want to do.
More than anything, I wish I had been more aware.
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