Unraveling

What do you want?

It's a question we always ask ourselves. But do we know? Last year I got what I wanted. I achieved all the goals I had set out to accomplish - well more or less. Before I was 30. I accomplished the goals and now what? Am I satisfied with the accomplishment? For a while yes, but that while ran out. And other interests came to the forefront.

So now, what do I want? That's what I've been figuring out. The last few months have been a reconfiguring of Heather. Check off amazing marriage with an amazing person, the half million house in Berkeley, keeping it real in the face of a highly political corporate environment, making huge strides in personal and spiritual development. All that's left it to keep on building upon these foundations. Well, what I want isn't necessarily built upon those foundations. They are not just foundations, they are edifices in their own right, and some that many people never build. Mine live in past. In my memory. I am not tearing down the edifices - that would take far too much work, besides I made them all with the core of my strength. What I build cannot be destroyed so easily. But, I can unravel myself from them. And in doing so, I must tie up lose ends. I am unraveling. I am leaving who I am, yet pulling out every bit of myself from these edifices. It is the test - can they stand without the heathervescenthread? My thread is there, but it is no longer me.

The thread is spinning into some new style - to be woven into a new life - to create new edifices - which one day I will unravel again from. The additional awareness this time, is that as I create these new edifices and make my dreams real, I have the utter knowledge that I will again extract myself from what I build. The cage could be bigger, but I will grow, the cage could be modifable, but I will change in ways the cage may not. And then there is always the cage we all have: our human form. And eventually we break free of that cage and unravel ourselves from this life. Knowing all this, I put every effort into unraveling myself from my realized dreams of the past and manifesting my dreams of the future. This is work done in the present. Done every day. In every interaction.

Comments

[r@d@r]

hi, came here from george's place. speaking as an economic expatriate of b-town, i hate you. not really, i mean to say i'm insanely jealous that you actually own a house in berkeley. my dream is to win the lottery so i can afford to move back. maybe i'll just live in your garage - i could, uh, polish your bike or somethin'.

[heather]

well, i own it but don't live there. and I probably won't own it for long. oh, and I don't have a garage - or even a driveway - so, so much for a berkeley house. ;)

I'm insanely jealous of myself - and I am me. ha ha. :)