Deep Links

First date

The first date after the end of a long relationship can be a delicate affair.

It is not unlike losing one's virginity. For someone who has been dating for a bit, you're more experienced, you're used to the conversation, comfortable with the awkwardness and you might not have a lot of expectations.

But for the one on the first date, this is a turning point. This means something. There's certainly a broken heart. Or maybe an angry or sad heart. And the point of the date, and the person in front of them, is to forget that. Or get over it. Or maybe you're just taking your friend's advice and getting out of the house to meet someone and start getting over the damage your x-wife did when she left you.

I've been the experienced person on a few of these dates.

These men in front of me. With broken and damaged hearts. Trying to move on with their lives. I see their vulnerability. I know they have great lives and possibilities in their future - even if they don't see it. I know those futures are not with me. I am but a momentary stop in their lives. I try to make the experience as gentle and pleasant as I can.

Full stack vs A la carte relationships

Full stack relationships: where you get all your needs met from one person: friendship, co-habitation, sex, emotional support, etc. Typical utopian perfect partner/marriage, etc. that I and many other bought into.

A la carte relationships: where you get different aspects of relationship needs met from different people. Ps. Not necessarily poly or non-monogomous. What I'm trying to innovate in my own relationships.

I've been a full stack relationship person for most of my life. But then my relationships reached the limits of this paradigm. I wasn't particularly interested in the poly emotional noob clusterfuck. So for the past several years I've been exploring "the future of relationships" and what that means for me. 

I've focused on having deep emotional connections with people at whatever level we can emotionally connect on. I've worked to eliminate a relationship agenda e.g. having an agenda where I want a relationship to go. It's been hard at times because I've found myself slipping back into a more committed relationship expectation. Such strength is this social programming. I've had to have hard conversations with people who wanted a committed relationship and I've had to be honest with myself for the reasons I didn't want to have them with that individual. 

I still have internal conflicts. Of course there's the dream of some perfect puzzle piece that synergistically fits into my kind of crazy. A full stack relationship. But I'm scared to really dream that dream anymore. Because it's limiting possibilities. Because of past failure.

Then, there is the me of the now. Finding satisfaction with the a la carte options. Being emotionally present and deeply connecting at the level of connection that is available at the moment. But what are those a la carte options and breakdowns? I'm still trying to figure it out.

• Like what is the protocol for a bootie call? And is that just fucking? (not that anything is wrong with that.)
• What makes it a friend with benefits? I mean, what kind of friendship is it?
• And WTF does casual mean? Casual yet intimate? What kind of commitment is or is not inherent in casual?
• And how good of a communicator are you? And how honest are you with yourself, and in saying things that you know will be hard for the other person to hear?
• Or keeping your own emotions in check, being honest with yourself and your motivations? Meaning, do you have a sense of self-awareness?

And I have to wonder, am I keeping myself safe saying I don't want something serious because of past hurt? Of all those disappointments? Sure, I can be more vulnerable than ever, but I hold something back I used to share. A trusting possibility I no longer have. Not quite cynicism, but maturity?

Right now, the emotional intimacy I love best is in email. It's in this space that I can be vulnerable safely. You experience your vulnerability. I can think about what I want to say. Write out the words. And I can savor and return to yours. But the build up via email is often left un-realized due to the space-time continuum. You may be on the other side of the world, a completely different day.

Because words are not the same as lips, bodies, and messy sheets. Or a snuggle, a dog walk, a shared meal, and a laugh at YT videos. Or a shared bank account, utility accounts, keys, and a mortgage. All things you could get in a full stack relationship, that are hard to come by casually a la carte. 

I wish I knew the answer here. I wish I could even figure out the a la carte categories, but I suspect the lines are not so neatly drawn and based on individual preferences. Society doesn't allow a paradigm for messy boundaries, not to mention to navigate the honesty and consent.

What I do know, is I miss having someone to cook dinner for. I miss having an excuse to dress up fancy and be taken out. I miss waking up with coffee (that I don't have to make myself). I miss the mundane logistical conversations. I miss having a joint bank account and financial/real estate goals. I miss going on crazy adventures and knowing I don't have to always look out for myself. Things I found in a full stack relationship, but am not really sure how to go about finding them a la carte...

... to be continued.

 

Update: A friend reminded me of her post... I fucking love this line:

[Some men] think there’s some software that will get a woman to have super hot sex with you if you just have the reg key.

Cold War Dad

Dad and I have regular weekly video calls and I love our conversations. Yesterday, after talking about the latest reading - The Snow Leopard (my dad's favorite book and one I just finished), somehow he got started talking about his time in the Military - specifically his assignment in northern italy during the cold war.

I always knew he did intelligence, but beyond that, he never really shared details, and I never really asked. I knew Italy was where he met my mom (but they did not get involved with each other - my mom was married to another officer, and my dad had a girlfriend). He would tell me about intercepting and decoding Russian messages. And he was on duty when the Russians invaded Czechoslovakia in 68.

When he arrived, he was told to wear plainclothes and wait for a contact to meet him from his Milan train! He was standing there waiting, and someone came up and said his last name and they went off to the base. When in uniform, he wore tailored fatigues, jump boots and a black beret!

This reminded me of some of my own favorite high school/college clothes - black paratrooper boots (with zippers) and a blue beret (German military surplus) that my dad put some of his military pins on. I would wear black tailored pants, and was generally a trouble maker. For a hot minute I considered going into the military, and thought that since I have such issues with authority it might not be a good idea. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake.

These days, I think a lot about military service. As I've learned more about military structure over the  years, I've come to learn that the US Military is basically a socialist structure. When you're in, you can't leave of your own accord. I always saw that as a bad thing, but it changes human behavior. I'm starting to understand the positive benefit of bureaucracy and things taking time. And in the Military there are values. Values that I hold - honesty, integrity, hard work - these things are hard to find in the business world these days.

It makes me sad in ways. I'll never have the chance to serve my country the way my dad did. So instead I serve humanity, and hope that the spark of consciousness catches. In the meantime, Dad and I will keep up our video chats, and talk about life, philosophy, the universe and our memories. xxx Dad. I am your daughter.

 

The Snow Leopard

If the snow leopard should manifest, then I am ready to see the snow leopard. If not, then somehow I am not ready to receive it. And in the not-seeing, I am content. 

That the snow leopard is, that it is here, that its frosty eyes watch us from the mountain -- that is enough.

- The Snow Leopard

And for anything your heart desires, you can swap with the snow leopard. 

It's hard to be a man

For some time, gender roles have been changing. I've actively followed this trend all my life as a woman, and for at least 4 years from the male perspective. For much of this time, I was focused on getting equality - being paid the same as men, having the same work opportunities, being promoted. I have always thought that men and women are different - I see humans as individuals. Making decisions based on gender seemed archaic. So seemed basing pay and promotions on whether I had a piece of flesh hanging between my legs. Please note, the following is based primarily on US men - from US culture. I have different experiences with European, Australian and South American men - from my limited experience.  

Assimilating male characteristics

I never wanted to call myself a feminist, because I was not interested in taking anything away from men, or to diminish them. In many ways, I self-identified with men and male characteristics. I was not a girly girl. You can't pick your gender, although with today's technology you can change it. In the business world, I learned quickly I had to act like a man to be "successful". But the female double standard in business resulted in much fewer successful results. I left that business world when I realized I wasn't being true to myself. I didn't want to become a man in woman's skin to be successful in the business paradigm.

But still, women have it relatively easy compared to men when comes to expressing integrated gender characteristics. Yes, women have a double standard in the workforce, and are criticized for expressing male characteristics - but we can express them. And for the most part, it is socially accepted by both men and women for women to express male and female characteristics. You can not say the same freedom of expression is allowed for men.

(Gay men have a bit more leeway in expressing integrated gender characteristics, but they still get discriminated because of their sexual preference. I've always seen lesbians as the most badass women I knew. I loved how they didn't give a fuck and plowed ahead. But there were even fewer lesbians in my workplaces, despite me being in the Bay Area. The few that were around almost got a pass for expressing male characteristics - meaning they got less backlash for being a woman, but likely more for their sexual preference.)

The Male Catch 22

In today's world, if men express characteristics that have been ascribed to women, they are seen as less than men by other (alpha & alpha aspirational) men (and the media). This is not a catch-22 women have. Women's value is not attacked when they express male characteristics. But men's value is attacked when they express characteristics that are traditionally identified as female.

This is a big problem. For me personally, because I love "beta" men - men in tune with their emotions, capable, intelligent, confident, strong and caring. (Alpha men want to boss everyone around, and fuck that authority shit.) This is a big problem because we need these "beta" men to take their place in the world. We need more men with integrated gender characteristics, that can express their emotions, understand the complexity of the world without wanting to dominate it. The alpha male is not the only powerful male archetype. 

Men as Caretakers

And let's talk about this men as caretakers thing for one moment. There's this idea that women are the traditional caretakers, with the unsaid story being that men are not good caretakers. And some of the reasoning for this (false) belief is understood that men don't know howto or aren't trained to take care. I call total bullshit on this. One of the largest institutions in the world - the US military - does just that. It trains men to take care of other men. (Ok, so I am totally ignoring the female military cohort for this argument, but I know militaries are not only male.)

Sure, war is about killing the enemy. But to do so, there is a lot you need to know - much of it logistical. Men are taught to be a team, and to take care of that team. (Yes, I know this is simplistic, but stay with me.) This is important - when sometime happens to someone in the team - physical harm - it is their immediate team that deals with the initial wound. 

In my own life, I am shit caretaker (except for Mr. Dog, who has taught me so much). As my mom fought cancer for almost 4 years, it was my brother who took her to doctor appointments and was her advocate. I failed miserably and had several of the worst fights of my life with her when I attempted to help her recuperate from several of her pre-cancer surgeries. Part of this is a I have a very robust belief in my own self-reliance, not needing to be taken care of, which might not be so healthy at times.

A deep wish

Over the past year or so, several research projects have caused me to circle around this topic from opposing viewpoints. I spend time on troll forums, subreddits, stalk instagrams of new Marines in boot camp, read research papers. I equally feel the heat of their testosterone, the young badass ness, and at the same time I feel this deep pain in my heart. Such empathy and compassion for these young men, aspiring to the alpha males archetype. Seeing behind the troll posts and camo uniforms to the heart of these men.

Youth and power. And possibility and pain. I think about these men a lot.  They have no idea how I sit and meditate on them in my living room, touching a piece of their collective unconscious - so foreign to me and so vulnerable. It deeply pierces my heart. I wish I knew the answer for them. But in the next instant I know they will be fine. I shrug off my compassion, feeling embarrassed, self-conscious, even in my secret meditations. They will grow older and stronger, and I hope for them, I hope they gain wisdom in honoring, understanding and expressing their emotions. As they go to war, or troll the next woman on twitter. I put my emotional shields up again as I go about my day.

But I still dream for them. I want these men to unlock the power of their emotions and add it to the power of their bodies and minds. To step into a this realm of power.

I see the possibility of this future for them, and it hurts so much to watch it unfold as the opposite. To watch alpha men undermine us all. My heart breaks for the future that struggles to unfold these possibilities.

Mojave Morning

8am is ungodly late in the desert. The sun has been up for hours and I have ignored it streaming through the slats covering my window. I pray that it not 6:30am, and refuse to get out of bed. I lay here, snuggled in comfort, feeling the warmth of my dog along my leg. The pain I feel in my knee seems absent for a moment. I am snuggled in soft sheets, fluffy pillows, cozy comforters and soft blankets on top of me. I can not say it is silent, because I hear a chorus of birds outside. But they are not the sounds of humanity. Back in the city, my upstairs neighbors clomp their clomp, the baby next door cries and the leaf blowers blow.

I lay in bed, half meditating, revisiting a favorite emotion. Sensuous, longing, melancholy. I'm certainly addicted to it. It's safe, here in my visions. To be faced with it in the world is what I deeply desire and must be also terrified by. Maybe I have not the courage to manifest it really. Certainly, I do not lack the power.

I finally pull myself out of bed. Make the coffee and take my place on my front slab. What is there to do? Sit, breathe, watch, drink coffee. Mr Dog sits and watches too. Being here, in the silence. The desert air - so clean, cool, a touch of the coming heat of the day, the lingering scent of the creosote. I can not breath it in enough. 

We suit up for our morning walk. This means I exchange my leather moccasins for tennis shoes and D puts on his harness. I love the sound of my shoes crunching on the rocky sand. The sun is rising, gaining height and heat. It feels good to move my body. To stop and smell the wind. I feel my blood quickening, my heart beating. 

Upon returning, it's a full chorus birds singing. I sit for a while. Water some plants. Do a bit of manual labor, enjoying the quietude of my mind. It's good to be in the Mojave. I have missed it so.

The Emotional Flow

I'm drifting in and out. I feel my body. I'm in liminal space. I drift with intention in the ebb and flow. I watch around me, my body an instrument to feel. There are a millions flows. Each flow a taste. Metal in my mouth. Bitter sweet burnt. Salty, buttery crunch. Where are the soft lips. Opening mouth. Wet tongue? Hands on my body. I feel the energy of them. But they are not here. I bask in the momentary bliss and swirl into another flow.

Like a mote in the wind, I am pulled and blown. Hands moving the tai chi. I swirl in my own effervescence spiraling, looping forward and back toward my destination. Dancing between the force of the pulling and the object which is pulled. I am only in the now-here. I can only surrender to the power that is both inside and outside of me.

Sunlight Discombobulation

I awake in the ever present Los Angeles. Sun shining bliss. Even the coolness of an overcast day, like today, is paradise. I breath the cool air. I walk the dog. I look at the trees and grass and sky. And sometimes I think. I think about what is going on in the world.

It feels at odds. I wonder what the impact will be. To the real, physical, outside of our heads, reality. The one with trees and cars and plants and animals and humans and rocks. It an emotional cataclysm that is not reflected in the world of planet earth. In the living and dying of plants and trees and birds and humans. 

There is the fear. It is contagious. Like a cancer. It pulls the spiral down. Concrete shoes in the ocean. Pent up energy, forced through a nozzle, compressing it into a weapon. Killing slowly from the inside.

How will I change?

I'm working on my activism strategy and I thinking about the actions I am considering taking, willing to take and will take. I know even just thinking about these actions will change me. And as I do them, I will also be changed. 

What one focuses on, grows.

So I know if I focus on the negativity, the fight, then that is what will grow. It makes me consider, how can I "fight" the "fight" without focusing on the fight? Without increasing the fight? To be conscious in knowing the ways, or at least the direction in which I will change?

Here is where I need to use my Aikido teachings. How can I take this adversary, that is aiming to hurt not just me but a lot of other people, and take their energy, cradle them so the stop being a harm both to others and to themself?

It's a tough thing to think about. And I don't have the answer... yet.

Remembering Mom

I was going to write something about remembering my mom, but then I found the eulogy I wrote for her - and it really says it all. 

All I can say, is I'm thinking of her this morning. I'm drinking strong coffee. I'm listening to Bossa Nova. Remembering my trip to Brazil. How scared she was for it and advocated me to go to Portugal instead. No way mom, I said. I'm going to South America! How exciting! I loved it so much. And how much it influenced me and my life, and my jeito! 

While I live a very different life from the one she would have, I know she was proud and inspired by me. And I was proud and inspired by her. One of her biggest gifts to me, her last gift, was her death. 

Through her death, she caused me to unlock, revisit a part of myself. To face what I feared most of my life, mainly, my emotions. In doing this, I embarked upon a new research direction, and my life changed dramatically. I unlocked and let free a part of myself, a part that has allowed me to unfold further aspects of my self. I think about that from time to time. Her last gift. How can I not feel joy in the loss, which is a gain?

Thank you mom. For the times when you were alive, and for the times now that you are my memory. I love you.