I'm driving the truck on the 91, it's taking me to Orange County. I haven't been to the OC in decades. I watch the rolling hillsides, merge on new freeway segments, pull up to the valet parking at the Vet's. I've come empty handed, my heart pounding.
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In December last year, I decided to focus my practice on the tantra. Specifically bliss and emptiness. Tantra is not all sex and orgasms. But rather, as I am practicing, the observation of something (bliss) from nothing (emptiness) and then the return to emptiness. Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.
Death gives so many opportunities to practice. My heart is raw again. Grief is so many complex emotions. I'm starved of love and touch and the need to be needed - but I'm too scared to venture out much. The journey to self pity and back is deep with the bliss and emptiness of free fall. I'll never have this opportunity again. I fall. Fall in bliss and emptiness. My runway has finished, the road has ended, I'm in free fall? or maybe it's flight?
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Back on the 91, I'm suddenly hit with a choking sob. A glob of emotion is working its way up my chest. I can't even attempt to unravel the complex set of emotions. It sits there. I sit with it. It's like the shedding of a reddish wound, still fresh raw skin attached. I want to hang on to the memory of Mr Dog. Our time together. The importance of him to me. I don't want to forget. I cling. I hold on. To the memory. To the bliss. I cling to his emptiness. Se eu nao tenho meu amor, eu tenho meu dor.
But here on the seat next to me is a new guy. He's been through some rough times. He doesn't know who I am. But he trusts me. He's surrendered. (He has no choice really.) What guts me is the movements he does that are just like D. Snuggling into the bed snoring. Banging his conehead around trying to get into my lap. When we get home, and I show him around. In the bedroom he goes straight to the mirror and looks into it. Then walks over to where I kept Mr. D in a box under my bed. I try to take these things with detachment.
This kind of emotion situation, while challenging is easily addressed. Grief is a topic I have quite a bit of experience with. And while it's painful to walk through it again, I know it is strengthening and healing my heart.
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But this is not the only situation requiring/causing the expansion of my emotional capacity. Dog bliss and emptiness is just the easiest one to publicly talk about.
In work and human interactions there is the same practice... bliss and emptiness. Hope and fear. Perspective and misunderstanding. My own hopes and fears. The past, the future, the present unfolding Now-Here.
All I can do is surrender. Surrender to me. Surrender to the situation. Surrender to this dog. Surrender to the bliss. Surrender to the emptiness.
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