Deep Links

Flawed

I am not infallible. I only pretend. I have created this shell around me to protect my (fecund loamy black) heart. The shell is cracking. The flaws in my persona are showing. Wings protrude. I only pretend to be strong. To be a bad ass. To take care of myself. I had no choice in the matter. I had to become strong. It was become a bad ass or ??? be overpowered? give up the possibility of being who I wanted to be? a possibility I never for one considered. I never had a choice to be soft. To not take (my own) power. But being who I (thought I) wanted to be and who you are, are not the same. I only wanted others to feel free in their expression. I only wanted to be free in my expression. (Free, not push the expression to the extreme.)

O Queen of Angels, I now understand. Here in the magical arms of your asphalt streets, it doesn't matter. You have wiped our slates clean, like after a Catholic confession. We come to you with our dream, our ambitions. We leave the who we were behind, in the street of San Francisco or midwest fields of grain. Here we create who we want to be. Even if that is not who we are. An illusion based in our own reality. Empowered by you. Our hearts are broken. Our hearts are lifted. Our lives changed. We change ourselves through you. We become the self we always dreamed. Our dreams come true. 

And now I am done. I have breathed your air deep into my lungs. Every cell in my body has LAified. And I am ready to change again. I have become who I wanted to be. And it is very satisfying. An achievement in itself. But perhaps that is not who I actually am. A shocking idea. Of all people, have I betrayed myself by being so true to my ideal of myself that I have missed some aspect of my authenticity? We shall see. 

Goodbye, my Queen

I never thought this day would come. Although here it is. So unknown and so clear. These years of understanding, devotion. I have loved no other, as I have loved you. Here I am, heathervescent, one of 4 million, wrapped in your asphalt paved arms, under your vanilla sky.

I have wondered, at times, where I might go, should I leave you. No city in the United States can match your tough elegance, your grit and glamour. Where in the world could I go? West Texas? Rio de Janeiro? The answer: unknown.

I shouldn't be surprised. I've been bored with my life for a bit. I've been asking for, desiring an adventure. Be careful what you wish for right? I'm never careful for what I wish for. It's what my heart desires. An adventure pulls up, a door opens, and I get in. Life is short and we all die. And life is long and has many twists and turns.

This time, you're the Queen of Spain sending me off to the new world. Except you're my Queen, La Dona, and we're already on the edge of the world. Where can I go from here? I have no idea. But I know with the same certainty that lead me into your arms, that I'm going.

The end of a chapter has begun.

A list of emotions

A list of emotions I had last night. I'm all about understanding complex emotions, so when I had a super juicy reaction last night, I sat down in the eye of the storm of my emotions and identified them. Why not post them on my blog for future reference? Because this set of emotions triggered a string of similar ones (and a bunch more) from a few months ago. And I'm actively working on de-threading all this stuff.

Here we go again.... 

1. There is nothing I can do about this.
2. DISAPPOINTMENT UBER ALLES. ANGER. SADNESS. WTF!!?!!
3. I don't want to make another effort.
4. This is totally legit. I want to be accommodating. "NO WORRIES"
   BUT I AM FUCKING PISSED.
5. No, I'm not really. I'm just sad. "Here we go again, just like with the ---- thing."
6. I don't want to make an effort.
7. Trying not to identify with things that are triggering me. Like I'm not worth it .... this whole thread of self-pity, but also laced with the fuck it double-down I have nothing to lose to try again.
8. But then there was that sparkly feeling in R's office and I told her to BRING IT! So I ALSO TRUST IN THE ME OF NOW. 
9. Good luck, bad luck, who the fuck knows.

All this while I am on the dog walk, cheerfully chatting with my neighbors, looking at the moon, breathing in the cool air.

So there. These are all the top level emotions I had roiling. You wanna know where that effervescence comes from? There. 

It's pretty amazing to feel this cocktail of emotions at the same time, and yet, with my meditation practice, to both identify and fully taste the emotion and be able to detach from it, give a name, and be non-judgmental about all these feelings I am both feeling and not feeling.

And in the end, to be kind to myself. Because I trust myself. I trust what I am doing, and good luck, bad luck, who the fuck knows. I'm not in control and I don't want to be, so I'm just gonna have these emotional experiences and watch them, feel them and learn about myself.