A list of emotions

A list of emotions I had last night. I'm all about understanding complex emotions, so when I had a super juicy reaction last night, I sat down in the eye of the storm of my emotions and identified them. Why not post them on my blog for future reference? Because this set of emotions triggered a string of similar ones (and a bunch more) from a few months ago. And I'm actively working on de-threading all this stuff.

Here we go again.... 

1. There is nothing I can do about this.
2. DISAPPOINTMENT UBER ALLES. ANGER. SADNESS. WTF!!?!!
3. I don't want to make another effort.
4. This is totally legit. I want to be accommodating. "NO WORRIES"
   BUT I AM FUCKING PISSED.
5. No, I'm not really. I'm just sad. "Here we go again, just like with the ---- thing."
6. I don't want to make an effort.
7. Trying not to identify with things that are triggering me. Like I'm not worth it .... this whole thread of self-pity, but also laced with the fuck it double-down I have nothing to lose to try again.
8. But then there was that sparkly feeling in R's office and I told her to BRING IT! So I ALSO TRUST IN THE ME OF NOW. 
9. Good luck, bad luck, who the fuck knows.

All this while I am on the dog walk, cheerfully chatting with my neighbors, looking at the moon, breathing in the cool air.

So there. These are all the top level emotions I had roiling. You wanna know where that effervescence comes from? There. 

It's pretty amazing to feel this cocktail of emotions at the same time, and yet, with my meditation practice, to both identify and fully taste the emotion and be able to detach from it, give a name, and be non-judgmental about all these feelings I am both feeling and not feeling.

And in the end, to be kind to myself. Because I trust myself. I trust what I am doing, and good luck, bad luck, who the fuck knows. I'm not in control and I don't want to be, so I'm just gonna have these emotional experiences and watch them, feel them and learn about myself.