This morning I looked out at snow capped mountains. A lake of blue below them, a sky of blue above. The haze from a nearby fire obscures these delineations. I think, I did not need to go to Dolpo. I have found my own Phoksmudo lake here on the California/Nevada border.
The blue jays talk, play, jump through the trees. We watch ground squirrels and bunnies in the morning sunshine. I think Mr Dog would love this patch of grass in front of me. A striped ground squirrel comes within 2 feet of me, before catching my scent, stopping short, I see its breathing intensify, and then it scurrys to the safety of the bush.
I can't help but reflect on this journey. A journey of friends, new and long time. I have surrendered to what may be. I am the solo woman, among the couples. I am shown the many variations of relationship, even as I long for one of my own. I think, why is it so hard to find a partner? It's a question I've had for ages, returning to often. But I equally know, the life I live now, is much finer than my bad relationships I've had in the past. Those I had the courage to change/end those relationships that did not serve.
I am in love with my friends and the world more than before. To spend time with them is a joy. Dinner with a new family. I see the journey they're beginning, tiny baby, smiling with delight as we finish the bottle of Sparkling Rose. Lighthearted laughs and discussions. I am filled with joy to witness them. Best friends for more than a decade that tied the knot a few years ago. They are like family. I am filled with joy to have them in my life. This comfortableness. This ability to be myself, and them to be them. Along the coast, two sides of the same coin. The joy of balance after almost two decades. Remembering times I regretted, but no more as time passed as the arc of passion settled. To love as simply as one can within the parameter available. It's a good lesson to remember. Leaving San Francisco, Berkeley on one side, the Golden Gate on the other, the open road a balm on my heart. A field of sunflowers. Orchards in the central valley turn to rolling hills of gold which turn to pine and rock as elevation increases. Crisp mountain air. The Sierras. A lake of blue. After the journey, I am welcomed, again, as many times in this past week, by friends.
The view is astounding - a crystal blue lake circled by snow capped mountains. I am sitting at what seems above the mountain tops on the far side of the lake, looking down on all. Again, the joy of appreciation - of decade long friends. It is so easy here, in this gorgeous mountain meadow filled with flowers and bunnies and blue jays to appreciate and just be.
The tinge of sadness sometimes overwhelms. It's not envy or jealousy. Can one be satisfied with the bliss of life and have longing at the same time? To be present in this place of my heart, so full with love and happiness and bittersweet at what I think is missing? Perhaps it is this bitterness, the amargosa, that makes the sweetness and joy, so much sweeter. But I don’t really think so. This is just something I say to sooth myself for now.
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