Deep Links

The Crystal Lake

This morning I looked out at snow capped mountains. A lake of blue below them, a sky of blue above. The haze from a nearby fire obscures these delineations. I think, I did not need to go to Dolpo. I have found my own Phoksmudo lake here on the California/Nevada border.

The blue jays talk, play, jump through the trees. We watch ground squirrels and bunnies in the morning sunshine. I think Mr Dog would love this patch of grass in front of me. A striped ground squirrel comes within 2 feet of me, before catching my scent, stopping short, I see its breathing intensify, and then it scurrys to the safety of the bush.

I can't help but reflect on this journey. A journey of friends, new and long time. I have surrendered to what may be. I am the solo woman, among the couples. I am shown the many variations of relationship, even as I long for one of my own. I think, why is it so hard to find a partner? It's a question I've had for ages, returning to often. But I equally know, the life I live now, is much finer than my bad relationships I've had in the past. Those I had the courage to change/end those relationships that did not serve.

I am in love with my friends and the world more than before. To spend time with them is a joy. Dinner with a new family. I see the journey they're beginning, tiny baby, smiling with delight as we finish the bottle of Sparkling Rose. Lighthearted laughs and discussions. I am filled with joy to witness them. Best friends for more than a decade that tied the knot a few years ago. They are like family. I am filled with joy to have them in my life. This comfortableness. This ability to be myself, and them to be them. Along the coast, two sides of the same coin. The joy of balance after almost two decades. Remembering times I regretted, but no more as time passed as the arc of passion settled. To love as simply as one can within the parameter available. It's a good lesson to remember. Leaving San Francisco, Berkeley on one side, the Golden Gate on the other, the open road a balm on my heart. A field of sunflowers. Orchards in the central valley turn to rolling hills of gold which turn to pine and rock as elevation increases. Crisp mountain air. The Sierras. A lake of blue. After the journey, I am welcomed, again, as many times in this past week, by friends.

The view is astounding - a crystal blue lake circled by snow capped mountains. I am sitting at what seems above the mountain tops on the far side of the lake, looking down on all. Again, the joy of appreciation - of decade long friends. It is so easy here, in this gorgeous mountain meadow filled with flowers and bunnies and blue jays to appreciate and just be.

The tinge of sadness sometimes overwhelms. It's not envy or jealousy. Can one be satisfied with the bliss of life and have longing at the same time? To be present in this place of my heart, so full with love and happiness and bittersweet at what I think is missing? Perhaps it is this bitterness, the amargosa, that makes the sweetness and joy, so much sweeter. But I don’t really think so. This is just something I say to sooth myself for now.

Dog walk meditation 2

As Mr Dog and I walk the neighborhood, barks come in fits and spurts. Perhaps the yap yap yap of the small dog in the upper window. The big woof from the bay window, of a dog we never see. Mr White Snow, a big white dog that likes to quietly sneak and then snarl before exploding into a cacophony of barks that Mr Dog always delightfully replies. His fur raises, tail wags, pulls at the leash. I stand grounded in my jeans and flip flops. We slowly, quietly withdraw. Across the street we are taken by surprise with ferocious barks, a dog we haven't heard before.

And I think this dog walk, these barks, these attempts at raising our hackles is not unlike our emotions in meditation practice. They come, with such intensity, we sometimes get on the rollercoaster ride. Or sometimes we let them go. We watch them. We stay grounded. We laugh at them. Maybe we snatch the energy and snarl back, barking with the delight of faux conflict. Sometimes too, I shush them. Bay window dog knows me and quietens his mind when I shussh him. This morning he merely chuffed twice when we walked by his window. Perhaps to say hello, I see you.

DD and I walk our neighborhood. We know the dogs. This is our turf, at least for this moment, he sniffs the grass, I breathe the air and look to the sky, for a glimmer of the waning moon or to watch the airplane that has just taken off at LAX. 

Last morning snuggle

Last morning snuggle is bittersweet. He knows I'm leaving today. I can tell the new supplements are working well. His coat is silky smooth and he's jumping on the bed with less joint hesitation. This new thing of his, sleeping right in front of the ac with his head on my pillow, is the latest in having a dog that is not a dog. He, like us humans, are trapped in our form. There is another part of us that longs to be free, to have the constraints of flesh removed, to transcend. But that is not our lot in this reality, these moments in this current flow of time. The constraints define us. We can only find the feeling of that freedom in other ways. For me, one of them is the open road. The unfurling ribbon of possibility that leads to a destination, but the point is not to arrive, but rather be.

Goodbye

I came across the letter I wrote my x-husband today. I was looking for a contract template, but somehow a draft of this letter ended up in the search results. The temptation to read it was too great, so I did. 

It's the me of the past. I'm reading who I was. I remember her. Boy she was such a badass. Had so much still to learn. Still, I understand why she made the decisions she did. I've lived by them. But you know what I forgot? I forgot how wonderful that relationship was. How it worked. (Certainly he didn't let me walk all over him all the time.) How it was fucking perfect, until it wasn't anymore. It really was fucking perfect. 

Of course, I remember why I left. I don't regret leaving. But let's just say that the kind of relationship I pine for, that I say I want, that I dream of, I had. With him. I didn't realize that. Or more likely, I forgot. Because I traded that relationship to be the person I am today. Yes, the price was high and certainly I owe him his half of a broken heart. But I am who I am, and I wouldn't trade being me for anything in the world. Such is the price to be heathervescent. 

My next thought, after realizing that I had the dream relationship I always wanted, was to stop being so fucking greedy. I mean. Who am I to think I can possibly replicate that? Now? In this world? It's impossible. Plus I already had it. Achievement unlocked. And for a damn good run. I knew what I was doing having that relationship be the first one out the door.

So goodbye dream of having that kind of relationship.