I came across the letter I wrote my x-husband today. I was looking for a contract template, but somehow a draft of this letter ended up in the search results. The temptation to read it was too great, so I did.
It's the me of the past. I'm reading who I was. I remember her. Boy she was such a badass. Had so much still to learn. Still, I understand why she made the decisions she did. I've lived by them. But you know what I forgot? I forgot how wonderful that relationship was. How it worked. (Certainly he didn't let me walk all over him all the time.) How it was fucking perfect, until it wasn't anymore. It really was fucking perfect.
Of course, I remember why I left. I don't regret leaving. But let's just say that the kind of relationship I pine for, that I say I want, that I dream of, I had. With him. I didn't realize that. Or more likely, I forgot. Because I traded that relationship to be the person I am today. Yes, the price was high and certainly I owe him his half of a broken heart. But I am who I am, and I wouldn't trade being me for anything in the world. Such is the price to be heathervescent.
My next thought, after realizing that I had the dream relationship I always wanted, was to stop being so fucking greedy. I mean. Who am I to think I can possibly replicate that? Now? In this world? It's impossible. Plus I already had it. Achievement unlocked. And for a damn good run. I knew what I was doing having that relationship be the first one out the door.
So goodbye dream of having that kind of relationship.
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