Deep Links

First date

The first date after the end of a long relationship can be a delicate affair.

It is not unlike losing one's virginity. For someone who has been dating for a bit, you're more experienced, you're used to the conversation, comfortable with the awkwardness and you might not have a lot of expectations.

But for the one on the first date, this is a turning point. This means something. There's certainly a broken heart. Or maybe an angry or sad heart. And the point of the date, and the person in front of them, is to forget that. Or get over it. Or maybe you're just taking your friend's advice and getting out of the house to meet someone and start getting over the damage your x-wife did when she left you.

I've been the experienced person on a few of these dates.

These men in front of me. With broken and damaged hearts. Trying to move on with their lives. I see their vulnerability. I know they have great lives and possibilities in their future - even if they don't see it. I know those futures are not with me. I am but a momentary stop in their lives. I try to make the experience as gentle and pleasant as I can.

Full stack vs A la carte relationships

Full stack relationships: where you get all your needs met from one person: friendship, co-habitation, sex, emotional support, etc. Typical utopian perfect partner/marriage, etc. that I and many other bought into.

A la carte relationships: where you get different aspects of relationship needs met from different people. Ps. Not necessarily poly or non-monogomous. What I'm trying to innovate in my own relationships.

I've been a full stack relationship person for most of my life. But then my relationships reached the limits of this paradigm. I wasn't particularly interested in the poly emotional noob clusterfuck. So for the past several years I've been exploring "the future of relationships" and what that means for me. 

I've focused on having deep emotional connections with people at whatever level we can emotionally connect on. I've worked to eliminate a relationship agenda e.g. having an agenda where I want a relationship to go. It's been hard at times because I've found myself slipping back into a more committed relationship expectation. Such strength is this social programming. I've had to have hard conversations with people who wanted a committed relationship and I've had to be honest with myself for the reasons I didn't want to have them with that individual. 

I still have internal conflicts. Of course there's the dream of some perfect puzzle piece that synergistically fits into my kind of crazy. A full stack relationship. But I'm scared to really dream that dream anymore. Because it's limiting possibilities. Because of past failure.

Then, there is the me of the now. Finding satisfaction with the a la carte options. Being emotionally present and deeply connecting at the level of connection that is available at the moment. But what are those a la carte options and breakdowns? I'm still trying to figure it out.

• Like what is the protocol for a bootie call? And is that just fucking? (not that anything is wrong with that.)
• What makes it a friend with benefits? I mean, what kind of friendship is it?
• And WTF does casual mean? Casual yet intimate? What kind of commitment is or is not inherent in casual?
• And how good of a communicator are you? And how honest are you with yourself, and in saying things that you know will be hard for the other person to hear?
• Or keeping your own emotions in check, being honest with yourself and your motivations? Meaning, do you have a sense of self-awareness?

And I have to wonder, am I keeping myself safe saying I don't want something serious because of past hurt? Of all those disappointments? Sure, I can be more vulnerable than ever, but I hold something back I used to share. A trusting possibility I no longer have. Not quite cynicism, but maturity?

Right now, the emotional intimacy I love best is in email. It's in this space that I can be vulnerable safely. You experience your vulnerability. I can think about what I want to say. Write out the words. And I can savor and return to yours. But the build up via email is often left un-realized due to the space-time continuum. You may be on the other side of the world, a completely different day.

Because words are not the same as lips, bodies, and messy sheets. Or a snuggle, a dog walk, a shared meal, and a laugh at YT videos. Or a shared bank account, utility accounts, keys, and a mortgage. All things you could get in a full stack relationship, that are hard to come by casually a la carte. 

I wish I knew the answer here. I wish I could even figure out the a la carte categories, but I suspect the lines are not so neatly drawn and based on individual preferences. Society doesn't allow a paradigm for messy boundaries, not to mention to navigate the honesty and consent.

What I do know, is I miss having someone to cook dinner for. I miss having an excuse to dress up fancy and be taken out. I miss waking up with coffee (that I don't have to make myself). I miss the mundane logistical conversations. I miss having a joint bank account and financial/real estate goals. I miss going on crazy adventures and knowing I don't have to always look out for myself. Things I found in a full stack relationship, but am not really sure how to go about finding them a la carte...

... to be continued.

 

Update: A friend reminded me of her post... I fucking love this line:

[Some men] think there’s some software that will get a woman to have super hot sex with you if you just have the reg key.

Cold War Dad

Dad and I have regular weekly video calls and I love our conversations. Yesterday, after talking about the latest reading - The Snow Leopard (my dad's favorite book and one I just finished), somehow he got started talking about his time in the Military - specifically his assignment in northern italy during the cold war.

I always knew he did intelligence, but beyond that, he never really shared details, and I never really asked. I knew Italy was where he met my mom (but they did not get involved with each other - my mom was married to another officer, and my dad had a girlfriend). He would tell me about intercepting and decoding Russian messages. And he was on duty when the Russians invaded Czechoslovakia in 68.

When he arrived, he was told to wear plainclothes and wait for a contact to meet him from his Milan train! He was standing there waiting, and someone came up and said his last name and they went off to the base. When in uniform, he wore tailored fatigues, jump boots and a black beret!

This reminded me of some of my own favorite high school/college clothes - black paratrooper boots (with zippers) and a blue beret (German military surplus) that my dad put some of his military pins on. I would wear black tailored pants, and was generally a trouble maker. For a hot minute I considered going into the military, and thought that since I have such issues with authority it might not be a good idea. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake.

These days, I think a lot about military service. As I've learned more about military structure over the  years, I've come to learn that the US Military is basically a socialist structure. When you're in, you can't leave of your own accord. I always saw that as a bad thing, but it changes human behavior. I'm starting to understand the positive benefit of bureaucracy and things taking time. And in the Military there are values. Values that I hold - honesty, integrity, hard work - these things are hard to find in the business world these days.

It makes me sad in ways. I'll never have the chance to serve my country the way my dad did. So instead I serve humanity, and hope that the spark of consciousness catches. In the meantime, Dad and I will keep up our video chats, and talk about life, philosophy, the universe and our memories. xxx Dad. I am your daughter.