I woke up this morning, similar to yesterday. Undeniably consciousness pulls me from the bliss of sleep. I feel my dog sleeping next to my leg. I'm physically comfortable in my bed, covers snuggled, darkness of my light blocking curtains. But slowly, the reality of my world dawns on me. It is terrifying.
I get up. Put on my fur lined moccasins. Go to the bathroom. Go into my living room. I see my purple couch, my rug, my things, and I'm reminded of a year of crying on that couch. A year of breathing. Of hitting bottom. And it feels like that today. That place is right here.
My deadlines have been blown to shit. I think, how can I motivate myself to do my work - a project I worked so hard for and that I love doing. I have to re-think everything. Yes this changes the future - but for how much of a variable? That I have no idea.
To see me from the outside, I look not much different from any other day. But internally, I am desperately exploring paths and possibilities of the future. The world is dark around me. There are glimmers of light. I use the skills I learned grieving years ago. I sit here pinned in place, floating in a world I no longer know.
I thought love was going to destroy the stability I had found in myself. I was totally wrong. My heart, and the love I have for others, new and longstanding, is the most grounded thing I have.
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