Deep Links

Being Vescent

A few weeks ago I filed paperwork to drop aspects of my birth name. I've been known by Heathervescent for 20 years, but I still clung to my birth name out of honoring my past. Right before the election, I decided I was done with that, and I took steps to simplify my name.

The day after the paperwork was filed, I started scrubbing the "Schlegel" from my profiles, signature files, bios. I still have to wait a few months for the judgement to come through - but I am not concerned. I have been Heather Vescent for 20 years and it's not going to change. 

In the subsequent weeks since my filing, this subtle shift is more profound than I anticipated. The weight of my past, my history, that I had honored by keeping around, has been lifted. The constant question and confusion of Heather Vescent or Heather Schlegel? And what is the difference. Why go by dual names, questioning is now gone. 

I look at my email signature and it looks so light, so precise, so exactly reflecting myself. I had no idea the energy I was using holding onto my family last name. I thought filing this piece of paperwork was the period on my identity, but perhaps it is just the prelude.

Doubling Down

A few weeks ago I had a pretty bad first date. Of course things seemed promising online, great conversation, coordination was smooth. But all that human stuff is really stripped away from the online experience. That human stuff that happens instantly in person and you know if it's right or wrong.

It took me a couple days to be honest with the guy. (He was a good guy but we were not a match.) And in those days I had all those horrible feelings about online dating. How pointless and worthless it was. (And I have only done it twice in my life!) But then I thought, rather than be passive and negative, I would double down. I took action. 

I spent an evening looking at profiles. Searching for keywords. Looking at pictures, at the spaces between the images, at the words, at what they said and what they didn't say. I wrote light, thoughtful messages. I asked questions, I shared information about myself. And I did it with no expectations. 

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That's the way I feel about the world now. I was shattered after the election. Since then, I've been ungrounded, processing, trying to make sense of the trauma. I woke up this morning for the first time in a week not feeling a sense of dystopian dread. I'm ready to double down. 

Love is the strongest thing I know, so I'm doubling down on love.

Rough

Today has been rough. The stress of the past week, me behind on my work, being a perfectionist and having high expectations of myself and really really really needing to be taken care of has put me over the edge tonight. My inconsiderate upstairs neighbor clomps her fucking stompy walk waking me up before 7am - every fucking day this week. My dog is needy, never satisfied. Damn it, I'm needy too! But I don't have someone taking care of me. I'm lucky to eat breakfast before noon. (Today it was 1:30.) Or shower before 3. All week I've been reaching out to friends, checking in on them, helping them with money issues, being positive, all while juggling my very stressful things like my truck, unsuccessfully not staying focused on work, freaking out about the future of non-existent work because of this misogynistic fucking world. Trying not to get derailed by the news. Finding out this whitepaper based on research that CONFIRMS the sexism in banking might not be published. W.T.fucking.F? Oh, so we have research results that CONFIRMS what we all know based on 20+ years of being a woman in a man's fucking world, but we might not publish it because we already know it exists anyway. I am so fucking tired. I want to crawl in my bed, or curl up on my couch and lose myself in Roger Waters guitar solos forever. 

I don't need to be taken care of all the time, but I'm not the fucking superwoman that you might think I am from my external person. I am just another human with their own limitations and mine are all snapped right now.

Falling apart

I woke up this morning, similar to yesterday. Undeniably consciousness pulls me from the bliss of sleep. I feel my dog sleeping next to my leg. I'm physically comfortable in my bed, covers snuggled, darkness of my light blocking curtains. But slowly, the reality of my world dawns on me. It is terrifying.

I get up. Put on my fur lined moccasins. Go to the bathroom. Go into my living room. I see my purple couch, my rug, my things, and I'm reminded of a year of crying on that couch. A year of breathing. Of hitting bottom. And it feels like that today. That place is right here. 

My deadlines have been blown to shit. I think, how can I motivate myself to do my work - a project I worked so hard for and that I love doing. I have to re-think everything. Yes this changes the future - but for how much of a variable? That I have no idea.

To see me from the outside, I look not much different from any other day. But internally, I am desperately exploring paths and possibilities of the future. The world is dark around me. There are glimmers of light. I use the skills I learned grieving years ago. I sit here pinned in place, floating in a world I no longer know. 

I thought love was going to destroy the stability I had found in myself. I was totally wrong. My heart, and the love I have for others, new and longstanding, is the most grounded thing I have.

Updated: Casual Dating

A few weeks ago I was lamenting to my bffs in the the backyard over a few bottles of Prosecco. The topic: dating, love, and the various men I was entertaining. Something in the back of my mind kept prodding me to restart my online dating profile, but I kept balking. I am burnt out. Or rather, I'm frankly scared, gun shy, and guarding my heart. 

But I miss things about a relationship. The coziness, the person you share all kinds of things with, going out, being taken out, learning new things, stories, the companionship. 

But I am very happy with my single solomente life. I have a stability in/with myself I have never had. And I am loathe to upset this internal balance.

After the last two relationships, I have given 3 of my friends veto power. This means, in a real and tangible way, that any of them can veto a potential relationship or person to date. These three friends know me best, have been there for me in my darkest times, and have listened to me trying to make sense of my past failed relationships. They know the dirtiest dirt. I trust their opinion. This is a power I have never bestowed upon anyone, and they know to use it wisely and for my best interest.

Anyway, back to the dating profile. I had so many questions. Is it fair to be on a dating site if I am so ... ambiguous? Is it fair to this guy I am half dating? Is it fair if I have no idea what I want or am looking for?

My bffs convinced me that these questions were perfect for someone who is casually dating. In the past, I have always been a person with a relationship agenda. I was looking for a partner. Sure, I made those lists, I even did a lot more powerful things as well. I am not new to, nor ineffective in manifesting my life. And my last relationship manifesting was epic. And it failed in a more epic proportion than any previous. Yay sine wave!

Now, I don't know what the fuck I want. And I finally understand the whole casual dating thing is about. So here we go Heather, a whole new world to discover with none of the commitments. 

Update:

My friend Miko made a comment on my FB page where I posted this. (Yes, this post was a signaling, which is why I publicly posted it.). It caused me to reflect a lot on what I had written. Not all of it felt true. Specifically the non-committal comment. If there is anything, I am committed. 

It's just that I'm scared. Those two guys I dated after my last long LTR, caused a lot of growth to occur for me. AKA, these relationships were hard and I got hurt. I want a partner, oh god do I want that. Just read this blog back a few years to understand the depth of that yearning. But there is a lot of pain. I've about given up (oh I say I have, but if I am honest, I have to say there is a tiny pandora's box pedaco of hope I am wrong) on the possibility of having the kind of relationship/partnership I've been looking for.

I blamed it on culture. I blamed it on men. I blamed it on me. In myself, I have created someone who is incomparable. Why should I be surprise I have evolved myself out of possible partners? This is the place I've been in most of this year. It's not coming from an ego perspective, but more pragmatic. To stop "dreaming the impossible" because I have dreamed it for so long and it remains impossible.

To give up these past dreams, and, well, see what happens. To be conscious of my previous script in interacting with men. To release the pressure - on myself to make my dreams come true. And to maybe, just live a little, with as few expectations as possible.