Deep Links

The Bitter, sweetens

Brunch today was a test. I wanted to see how I would feel in your presence. Was the levity, the laughter I made at the devastation you did to me, true? (I was just as surprised as you.) Had I forgiven myself? (I have.) You? (As much I would like to hold a grudge, I do not.) Did I still taste the bitterness? (Barely a touch a sadness truth be told.) Was there still affection? (A familiarity, but not an affection I could define.) Could I be pulled back under your spell? (Apparently not.)

I was curious. I have observed that one takes on the characteristics of certain individuals of strength in one's life. In the past year, I have noticed a ghost of you inside me. As part of me. Integrated. (We did have one of the deepest connections I have had with anyone, part of what entangled me to you so long.) I could not help to wonder, what aspects of me you might have integrated into your self?

It was nothing so much as self-reflection, or commitment or getting over your fear of death. But the purple streaks in your hair did amuse me. I am glad you finally had the courage to do that. (Does that mean you have the courage for other things?) Not that it matters. It really doesn't. I am as much a composite of my past lovers, as my lovers have integrated aspects of the Vescent.

The answers to my questions, yes, I got them. No longer am I under your spell. Yes, I have forgiven myself. And you. (Although I suspect you have not forgiven yourself. It seems not.) You looked with terror, as I laughed at what you put me through. What I allowed myself to get caught up in. I understand your confusion. I admit, I do delight in torturing you so with the echoes of what occurred, but I am not the first, nor likely the latest who has tasted... this experience. I know you never meant to hurt me, or the other women you certainly did. But you didn't learn. If there was any part of me that integrated it into you, this was the one aspect I wished for. But why bother to expect. I do not expect it. You do not strive for self-awareness or enlightenment. Bodhisattva you are not.

It's ok.

I am grateful.  For this lesson (that I cling to so that I never forget, the edge of the pain in which I paid so dearly - yes, deep down there is still that coin). In that, perhaps I will not forget you. At least not for some time. (Isn't that what you wanted?) You are the baseline upon which others are compared. Is this one like him? When do I walk away? Or perhaps, I will give it all up. Forget the memory, the lesson, give it to the sands, upon which the ocean constantly washes, to be truly unfettered by the aspect.

I have internalized and neutralized the bitterness. Like the poison a Reverend Mother might drink. The part of you, that became part of me, is me. I am free again. 

 

 

Heart in hands

Over the past couple weeks, I've had this image pop up at random times in my mind. Cradled inside a pair of hands, much like a baby animal might be cocooned, is a human heart.

Inside this image is some hard pain. I think back to someone who did not treat my heart very well. The metaphor I use is his Blendtech + Heather's heart = Kale Smoothie.  Meaning, it was pulverized beyond recognition. That might sound harsh, but so is heartbreak born of denial. Of course, I gave him my heart to pulverize, so I am not an innocent bystander. I take responsibility for my lesson.

This thing, so tender, fragile and vulnerable. Not unlike a baby animal one might cradle, caress and sooth. Precious. Divine. When you hold a tender, trembling heart in your hands; how can you not cradle it like a perfect endive from that French film? How can you, even if you do not feel the same, not approach this trembling vulnerability with compassion, respect, a reciprocal tenderness? There is more strength in that vulnerable, tender heart than all the stones in the Mojave. And it's your hands that have the power to lovingly caress it or crush it to an irrecoverable pulp.

That's the power in my hands. I'm reminded of this image, so that I might make the conscious choice. So I might be aware of my actions. I choose to caress, soothe, stroke. You can trust me with your heart.

Fear of the Unknown

I've been kicking ass on a couple really amazing projects the last few weeks. One project I have wanted to do for years. The work has been a pleasure and while there are challenges and work to be done, I have mostly completely the items plenty before their deadlines. 

But then, there is this other project. It is a p2, by necessity. Project 1 is happening first, so I have to make sure it is taken care of and have made it my primary focus. Project 2 has been given attention, but not as much, although I am more or less at my desired point in the schedule. 

However, this week (and last week) I had wanted to put in some pretty serious work on project 2. Last week's focus slid away from p2 because I was taking care of other important things... and allowing myself some delightful distractions. I told myself I'd make up for it on the weekend. But then, I took the weekend off to hang out with friends and recharge. I was feeling social and I wanted to enjoy that social feeling.

So here we are on Monday morning. I knocked off the little items that were easy. I allowed myself a sufficient distraction. And then I told myself I would get started on Project 2. All the while, I felt this growing anxiety. Unrelated things have also added to this growing anxiety, causing me to jumble up what is really causing this feeling. I want to run and hide from this anxiety. Which I did last week, without really realizing what I was doing.

So what is going on? I stepped out of the house, an excuse to take the dog for a walk under the moist overcast California sky. The air was beautiful, but I was only taking shallow breaths. I felt this tightness in my chest. Rather than run away from these feelings, run to distractions, I let my self breathe and feel uncomfortable. And wow, I felt really uncomfortable. I still do. An underlying nervous energy. Shallow breathing. A grasping for the known and comfortable. I gently understood what was going on.

I was afraid of the unknown.

This project 2 is something I really want to do. But I'm afraid. I've never done something like this before. It's new to me. I have very high standards. It's going to take work. I can't (nor do I want too either) wing it. I want to do a really good job. So I have put myself under a lot of pressure.

It's all these things that cause these uncomfortable feelings. That cause me to reach for the known and comfortable. And yet, I feel paralyzed. Stuck. Fear to take a step. Fear to begin. 

I don't think I've consciously identified the feeling of fear of the unknown. But here it is. I'm right in it. Most of the time, my bravado, my curiosity and my excitement carry me to do things others might be afraid of. But just like everyone else, I too am afraid. I still fear unknown things. Even thought they will become known in time.